Surrendering to Us

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Nope, that would probably kill me. I was going to need at least a day or two to recover. My poor ladyparts were exhausted. They needed a vacation from fucking.

  Lucah held my hand on the walk back to work, and I got one more kiss before we got to the doors.

  “Never forget.”

  “I won’t.”

  “You look happy,” Lilia said as I walked past her desk. “Any reason?” Sex. Lots of sex.

  “Nope. Just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning.” I gave her a bright smile and practically skipped to my desk. I was still on my sex high, and it felt like nothing could bring me down from it.

  And then I got an email from Violet, asking me if I wanted to have lunch with her. Obviously, I had made myself open to her, but that didn’t mean I was thrilled about it. Still, I was probably making a big deal out of nothing. Once I got there, I’d be fine.

  So I sent her back an enthusiastic acceptance and she agreed to make reservations at a place just around the corner. It was much fancier than any place I’d usually go for lunch, but maybe the formal atmosphere would keep the conversation formal.

  The rest of the morning I buried myself in work, but every ten or so minutes let my mind wander to the night before and a little of shiver of delight raced down my spine.

  Lilia brought me a few things to sign and look over and halfway down the stack, there was a sticky note with one word written on it.

  MINE.

  I took it and stuck it on my computer. No one but Lucah would know what it meant, which made it even better. Just one more little piece of Lucah in my life.

  I also found another of the notes in my purse. I bet he saved them all somewhere and they were going to randomly pop up in my life whenever I needed a reminder, which would probably be frequently.

  Time before the lunch date sort of flew by and then it was time to meet Violet. I was trying to think of her as her own entity, separate from Lucah—as the woman who had rocked the interview, and I thought might be my new friend. It wasn’t her fault that she had a past with Lucah. I was NOT going to let that come between what might be a burgeoning friendship. At the very least the two of us had to work together and be able to make small talk.

  So I practiced as I strode to the elevator, my clicking heels giving me comfort.

  Violet was down in the lobby looking fabulous in a charcoal-colored fitted dress, yellow heels, and her hair in a twist. I looked her up and down, searching for a flaw, but I couldn’t find one, and then she turned and nearly caught me staring. That would have been awful.

  “Violet, hi.”

  “Hi, you look nice today. Love the shoes.” The more I learned about her, the more I wanted to like her.

  “Same to you. So, shall we?” She nodded and we walked the short distance to the restaurant. It was quiet, despite the fact that it was the lunch hour. It even had a guy playing the piano. Did we have to tip him? Could we make requests? The hostess led us across the room and seated us at a table for two.

  We sat and ordered drinks. I got a white peach sangria and she had the same. I needed a drink to get through this.

  “Is this place okay? I wasn’t sure where you normally went. I’m still trying to get used to the city.”

  “No, it’s great. I normally just go to the place across the street, actually. So, where did you live before you moved here?” I knew, since I’d seen her employment history, but this was where you started with small talk.

  “I was in Springfield working for a small cable network. I loved it, but this was always where I wanted to be.”

  She talked more about moving to the city and the perils of finding a decent and affordable apartment and roommates, and by the time our salads came (a Waldorf for me and a cobb for her) I was telling her the best places to go to get decently priced shoes.

  In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that she and I had more in common than just shoes. We had both fucked the same guy. That was the thought I had to keep shoving aside and trying to forget. But it would only be shoved aside for so long.

  We both ordered dessert (I was thrilled that she went for the molten chocolate cake and not the vegan gluten-free and probably taste-free cookie topped with soy ice cream), and it finally came up.

  “I’m sorry about the other day, and being weird about Lucah and coming into your office and confronting you about it. I’ve felt funny about it ever since. I mean, it really has nothing to do with anything. That’s the first thing you’re never supposed to do, bring your personal life into the office, but I did and I’m sorry. Again.”

  “No, no. It’s fine. We had to address it, or else things might have been weird and then both of us would have had to walk on eggshells and five years down the line, one of us would get drunk at the Company Ball and things might get out of hand. Wow, that sounded like the plot of a terrible reality show. But you got the point, right?”

  She laughed, and it hit me how beautiful she was. No wonder Lucah had fallen for her. And just as that thought ran through my mind, I wanted to stab it and pretend it had never existed.

  “Yeah, I figured out what you were saying. So anyway. This is the last time I’ll bring it up. And I’m done.” She pressed her lips together and pretended to seal them.

  “No big deal.” I hoped I was playing off my nonchalance, because I was still freaking out on the inside. “We’re both professional women, right?”

  “Right,” she said, opening her mouth. “Oops, I wasn’t going to talk, but it’s kind of hard to converse without words. If only I knew sign language.”

  “I know a few signs, but none of them are complimentary.” Sloane had dated a guy once who had a deaf sister and he’d taught us every dirty sign we could cram into our brains.

  We both laughed and finished our desserts and I thought that maybe this was going to be okay. We’d gotten past the minefield that was Lucah and we had a lot of things in common. This was going to work. This was no big deal.

  “Oh, I meant to ask you about those cute shoe notes you had on your desk. Where did you get them?” she said as we walked back to the office.

  “They, uh, they were a gift.” From Lucah, I didn’t say.

  “Darn. Well, they are adorable.” I just smiled as best I could while she opened the front door for me and we took the elevator back up to our floor.

  “So we should make this a regular thing,” she said. “This was nice.”

  “Yeah, definitely. Just let me know.” We sort of waved goodbye to each other and I walked back to my office, with Lilia watching me the whole time. I knew she knew. I was just waiting for her to come to me and tell me she knew. It was the quiet ones you had to worry about. Always.

  I texted Lucah when I sat back down at my desk.

  Had lunch with Violet. All is well.

  It took him a few minutes to respond.

  Good. Never forget.

  I wouldn’t.

  We ended up staying another night at the hotel, but we just slept in the gigantic bed and watched movies and ordered more room service. It was an absolutely ordinary evening after the previous one. Both of us were still recovering from that.

  On Friday night we went out as usual, and then Saturday was another day with Lucah’s family. This time I didn’t bring anything. I thought better safe than sorry.

  “Good plan,” Lucah said. It was raining when we got to his brother’s house, so the girls didn’t run out to meet us, but as soon as we walked in the door, they were dashing across the floor.

  “Rory, Rory!” Gracie yelled.

  “Roar!” Fiona added as they both threw themselves at my legs. I looked down at their sweet faces and I kicked myself for not bringing something.

  “Girls, let Rory get her coat off,” April said, looking a little more frazzled than last week. Her hair was carelessly thrown back in a ponytail and her jeans had floury handprints on them.

  “Hey, you.” She smiled and hugged Lucah and then took my coat and gave me a hug as well.

 
; The girls jumped and frolicked at my feet and then Tate came out, looking like he’d emerged from a trance.

  “Sorry, work call.” I got a hug from him as the girls kept bouncing.

  “Where do they get their energy from? I wish I could bottle it,” April said with a sigh.

  “Rory?” Gracie said, pulling on my pants leg.

  “Gracie, what have we talked about? You say, ‘Excuse me, Rory,’ remember?” Gracie thought about it for a moment.

  “Excuse me, Rory?”

  “Yes, Gracie.” I crouched down so I wasn’t towering over her. I didn’t have to crouch too far. I was the closest adult to her height-wise.

  “Can we play princess again?” Her big eyes were so sweet that my heart melted a little.

  “Yes, we can absolutely play princess again.”

  “Me too!” Fiona yelled, raising her hand.

  “You, too,” I said, messing with her red curls. She laughed and hugged me around the neck. I picked her up and carried her into the living room and sat down with her on my lap.

  “They’ve been talking about you non-stop, asking when you were coming back. I think you’ve got some new best friends,” Tate said, picking Gracie up and throwing her in the air. She screamed for him to stop, but once he did, she begged for him to do it again. Fiona sat on my lap and tried to touch my earrings.

  “Pretty,” she said.

  “Thank you.”

  “Does anyone want anything? The girls and I made cookies.” At the sound of the last word, the girls both perked up. We all agreed that we wanted cookies, so she brought them out. They had obviously been made by little hands and weren’t uniform in size, but they were delicious. I’d have to ask April for that recipe so I could badger Sloane into making them.

  Speaking of Sloane, I was going to start paying her back for bringing the clothes over to the hotel tomorrow at the spa and then again when I bought her brunch. I didn’t know how long she was going to milk it, but knowing Sloane, pretty long. I was going to let her, because I missed her and I did need some girl time.

  The conversation flowed easier this time, and Lucah and I started talking about hiding our relationship, the early days, and the job interviews. The girls were quiet because they were stuffing their faces with cookies when their mother wasn’t looking. Or maybe she just pretended not to see.

  “I’m shocked you didn’t file a restraining order against him,” Tate said as I recounted some of the things he’d said in the interview. I left out the part that Lucah had pretty much set my panties on fire when he’d walked in the room. They really didn’t need to know that.

  “I thought about it. He was just so sure of himself. I didn’t find out until later it was because he already had the job and the interview was just a formality. I couldn’t understand why all these people were telling me I should hire him. I thought he’d either paid them off or slept with all of them.” I could say that in front of kids, right?

  “Who’s to say I didn’t?” Lucah said, grabbing another cookie, breaking it in half and giving me part of it.

  “Even Hal Marksman?”

  “Never underestimate the power of older men,” Lucah said, winking. I could feel myself blushing as Tate and April watched.

  “Well, I hope he called you the next day and didn’t just ditch you.”

  “I’ll never tell. Ours is a special love that you can’t understand.” I shook my head and contemplated shoving a cookie in his mouth so he’d stop talking.

  “And this is a topic that isn’t for little ears,” I said, poking him. “Sorry. I can’t control him now that I’m no longer his boss. Not that I could control him then.”

  “You tried.” He patted my arm as if he was consoling me.

  “I did.” He crossed his eyes at me. I did the same. Sometimes that was all you could do.

  Then the girls saw us doing it and they wanted to try, so we spent the next ten minutes trying to explain it to them with hilarious results. There were more tantrums when the cookies were taken away, but then April got out her iPad and started a show for them to watch in a corner.

  “That should amuse them for a few minutes until they fight about who gets to hold it. Two is a lot, but I have no idea what I’m going to do when it’s three.” Wait, what? April’s eyes went wide and she clamped her hand over her mouth.

  “Oops. That wasn’t supposed to be public knowledge yet. I just took the test two days ago. We always wait until the second trimester, just in case. But I guess I already have baby brain.” Lucah got up and gave her a huge hug and I did the same.

  “That’s so exciting,” I said, and I meant it, even though I couldn’t imagine having three under the age of five at once. God bless her.

  “It wasn’t exactly planned, but it wasn’t exactly avoided, so I guess that’s what I get,” April said in my ear. “Just gotta roll with the punches life doles out, right?” No wonder she looked frazzled. She and Tate went to get more drinks and I went and sat on Lucah’s lap.

  “Congrats again. Unkie Lu.”

  “Thanks, Sunshine.” He gave me a soft kiss and then motioned for me to let him up when the girls started fighting with the iPad and Gracie tried to whack Fiona with it. He broke up the fight and got them resituated and propped the iPad up on a pillow so they could both see it.

  Watching him with them made me wonder all kinds of things. About us, about our future. About our potential ginger babies.

  I kept wondering the rest of the visit, even when the girls covered me with glitter again, and yanked out half my hair with a brush, and stole my shoes and tried to walk around in them again.

  “You should come out to the city. We could take the girls to the museum. Or we could watch them and you could have some time alone.”

  “Alone time? What is this alone time you speak of?” April said. Tate laughed and kissed the top of her head.

  “It was what we had before children, baby. Remember? Sleeping late? Staying out late? Sex without being interrupted?” He whispered the last part so the kids didn’t hear.

  “I vaguely remember something about that, but it’s been so long I think I might have imagined it. But I think I’d like to try and see if we could have it again. Sure. How about next weekend?” So we made plans to take the girls to the museum while April and Tate went to lunch and did some shopping and maybe snuck into a hotel for the afternoon. I heard Lucah suggesting that to Tate, and recommending the hotel we’d been at.

  I just pretended I didn’t hear as we hugged everyone goodbye. I almost forgot my shoes because Gracie was still wearing them.

  “So do you want kids?” I said on the way back. We’d never really discussed this part of our relationship. I didn’t know if it was because I was afraid of it, or he was. Either way, neither of us had ever brought it up.

  “I do. Why?”

  “Just asking. We’ve never talked about it, and I see how you are with the girls so I was just wondering.”

  “Do you?”

  “Of course. Eventually.”

  “What do you mean?” He downshifted as we drove through another neighborhood.

  “Oh, I always planned on having them later. You know, when my career was established.” Then I could have more time with them and I wouldn’t resent them for taking time away from me building my career. I’d also have more money to afford them.

  “How much later?”

  “Like, at least thirty or later.”

  “Huh. That surprises me. I would have thought you’d say in the next couple of years.” He glanced over at me.

  “Well, when I decided I didn’t want to have kids until I was thirty, I was also single and there was no Lucah Blythe in my life. So.”

  “Soooo. That number could change?” Why did he want to know?

  “Are you saying you want kids right now? Jesus Christ, we just moved in together.” That was WAY too fast for me. And I think my parents would like it if I was married before I had kids anyway. They hadn’t said boo about me moving in with
Lucah before marrying him, but I knew my mother wasn’t thrilled about it. But I had a man and she was happy about that, so it was a trade-off. Plus, she adored Lucah now. He’d replaced Fin in her affections, at least for the time being.

  “No, no. Not tomorrow. But I think you’d make an amazing mother.” He took my hand and kissed the back of it.

  “You know my parents would probably want me to be married so I don’t have a child out of wedlock.”

  “‘Child out of wedlock’? Who even says that anymore?”

  “People in my parents’ generation. It was to be a cardinal sin.” My mom used to tell me stories about girls who got pregnant in her high school that were sent off to relatives to live for nine months and they’d come back with a few extra pounds and a new baby “brother” or “sister.”

  “Well, I’m glad it’s not that way anymore. People were way too uptight.”

  “Amen.” I waited for him to say something else about the marriage thing, but he didn’t. Part of me wanted to bring it up again, but part of me wondered if he’d avoided it on purpose. That was the other thing we’d never talked about, but which I knew, without her even having to mention it, that my mother was thinking about. It was the next logical step.

  But Lucah and I had never talked about it.

  “So where do you want to eat?” I was suddenly so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

  “Do you mind just having something at home? I’m too tired to stop.” I closed my eyes and leaned the seat back so I could lie down.

  “Sure, whatever you want.” I closed my eyes and we were silent for the rest of the way home. I didn’t fall asleep, but I pretended to be.

  I was a fucking coward. I wanted us to talk about our future, but I didn’t at the same time, because it scared the shit out of me. My parents were still happily married, but it had been a different time when they got together. And I’d started dating Lucah when I didn’t even know his real name. No relationship that started that way, and also started with no-strings-attached sex would lead to happily ever after. Right? I didn’t know anyone who had been able to make a one-night stand into something more.