Surrendering to Us

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  It made my stomach twist when I thought about Ryder. About what he’d done to land himself here. It also made me feel like absolute shit for what I’d said about him, and thought about him. I’d made judgments and assumptions without understanding where he was coming from. It could have just as easily been Lucah in his place, and what then?

  I shook the thoughts from my head and walked back toward Ryder’s room just as April and Tate burst out of the elevator.

  “Rory!” April said, seeing me.

  “Where is he?” Tate said, his head whipping up and down the hall. I wondered if that was what Lucah and I looked like when we’d first arrived. Probably.

  “This way,” I said, hurrying down the hall and trying not to spill the coffee. We found Lucah sitting in a chair, with his head resting on one hand and Ryder still asleep.

  “How’s he doing?” Tate said as Lucah roused himself and got up to give Tate and April a hug.

  “Where are the girls?” Lucah whispered.

  “They’re with the neighbors,” April replied. Tate went to check on Ryder, and Lucah motioned with his chin for us to leave the room so we could talk.

  He gave April the details, even more than we’d heard initially. A nurse must have come in while I was searching for coffee.

  “I can’t believe this,” April said, hugging herself and shaking her head. “Did you have any idea, any warning?”

  “No. He’s been avoiding me for the past few weeks, but Rory saw him the other day.” I recounted my interaction with Ryder at the restaurant, leaving out the part about Sloane.

  But as soon as I thought her name, there she was, walking with purpose down the hallway.

  “I called her,” I said to Lucah as I walked to meet her. Her face was red and streaked with tears and mascara. I was always telling her to buy the waterproof kind, but she said it didn’t give her as much volume.

  “Is he okay?” she said, holding her bag in front of her as if it was going to protect her.

  “He’s going to be okay.” I got some tissues from my purse and started blotting her face.

  “I’m a wreck. I couldn’t stop crying on the way over. I think the cabbie thought I was crazy.”

  “A crying woman is probably not the craziest thing he’s ever had in his cab, babe.” That made her laugh and she grabbed one of the tissues to blow her nose.

  Lucah approached us.

  “Thank you for coming, Sloane.” He gave her a hug and patted her back.

  “I didn’t know if I should or not. If it was my place.”

  “No, no. I’m happy you’re here. The more, the, uh, merrier. That doesn’t really work in this situation, does it?” We all sort of laughed, and I looked around, afraid that someone was going to yell at us for laughing in a hospital. Like when you spoke too loudly in a library.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Sloane said and we walked closer to Ryder’s room.

  “This is Rory’s best friend, former roommate and the woman she will eventually leave me for, Sloane. Sloane, this is my older brother Tate and his wife, April.” Tate and April both hugged Sloane, and said how much they’d heard about her, and how lovely it was that she was here. We all stood outside of Ryder’s room, a precipice Sloane had yet to cross.

  “Do you want to go see him?” Lucah said.

  “Oh, no. I don’t know. It would be weird. I mean, I barely know him.” She was saying the words with her mouth, but her body was inching closer. It didn’t matter that she barely knew him, because of the way she looked at him, the way she laughed when she talked about him, and the fact that she’d put everything else aside to be here.

  “Go on. I’m sure he’d like to see you,” Lucah said, nearly pushing her into the room. He didn’t have to push too hard.

  We all hung back as she walked inside, rolling her shoulders back and taking a deep breath. Despite her tear-smudged face, she looked fabulous, in a black dress with cherries all over it that looked like it was made in the 1940s. She’d done waves with her hair and pinned it back. Add red lipstick and she was an updated version of Lauren Bacall or Ginger Rogers.

  “Ryder?” The four of us, me, Tate, April and Lucah stood and watched, which we probably shouldn’t have, but we wanted to see what would happen.

  “Sloane?” His cracked voice said her name like a wish. Or a prayer.

  “Hey, how are you?” She kneeled down next to his bed and reached for his hand, but it was covered in tubes, so she moved upward to his tattoo-covered upper arm.

  “Been better,” he croaked. He tried to say something else and coughed. Sloane reached for the pitcher of water on the table next to his bed and poured it into a plastic cup, then held it to his lips. He took a few sips.

  “Thanks.” His voice was a tiny bit stronger after the water. She put the cup down and reached out to stroke his forehead. That was when we all stopped watching. It was too intimate a moment to intrude on.

  While Sloane talked to Ryder the four of us stood around. And waited.

  We ended up eating dinner at the cafeteria. I’d heard all these horrible things about hospital food, but it wasn’t as awful as I was expecting. It was hard to eat, but not because of the quality of the food.

  April got a call from her neighbors, saying that Gracie had thrown up and was running a fever.

  “Fuck, this is just perfect,” April said, putting her head in her hands. I’d never heard her swear before.

  “If you need to get back, go ahead. We’ve got this here. You can come back tomorrow,” I said. I didn’t know if I could miss work, but I knew Lucah would need to.

  “Okay, we will,” Tate said, taking April’s hand. They said goodbye and left, so it was just me, Lucah and Sloane, who was just poking at the food on her plate.

  “I should probably go too. I’m pretty sure my interns are crying and screaming in agony at the amount of work I left them. They’ve been blowing up my phone.” Sloane went and tossed her tray.

  “You can stay, if you want. It’s completely up to you. Don’t feel as if you’re intruding.” This was the first time Sloane was actually cautious about overstepping boundaries, which showed me, again, how much she liked Ryder.

  “I’ll come back tomorrow, if that’s okay. Have a good night.” She hugged both of us. And then there were two.

  “Hey, how are you holding up?” I reached across the table for Lucah’s hands. I felt like I needed constant contact with him, to show him I was here, and I loved him.

  “I’m doing okay. Sorry about earlier. I kind of lost it, I guess.” His face went a little red.

  “You can lose it any time you want, Lucah Blythe. I lose it on you just about every day. In fact, I think I’ve filled my yearly quota of losing it. So never apologize for that.” My words made him smile, so we were getting somewhere.

  “Do you want to stay all night? Or go home?”

  “You can go home. I think I’m going to stay. Sleep isn’t really going to happen, and I can always crash in the chair in Ryder’s room if I have to. Oh, shit what about work?”

  I held up my hand. “First of all, don’t worry about work. I have connections and I can get you out of it, second, I won’t be able to sleep if you’re here and I’m at home. So whatever you do, that’s what I’m doing.”

  He nodded because he knew there was no point in arguing with me on this.

  “They’re probably going to try and kick us out. I’m pretty sure visiting hours end in a little while,” he said as we dumped our trays and went to take the elevator back up to Ryder’s room.

  “We could always bribe the nurses. What do you think they’d want?” I leaned against Lucah. I was exhausted, but not the kind of exhausted where I wanted to sleep. No, I knew sleep was far away, in a place I couldn’t reach.

  “I could offer sexual favors,” he said, sticking out his tongue. There was his sense of humor.

  “Yeah, I’m sure they would love that, but I’m not good at sharing.”

  Ryder was awake when we got back to his ro
om, and flipping through the channels on the small television mounted on the wall. He’d also propped his bed up and had pushed the sleeves of his hospital gown up so everyone would have full view of his tattoos.

  “Feeling better?” Lucah said, and Ryder nodded.

  “You here to watch me?” Ryder said, his voice still ragged.

  Lucah opened his mouth, probably to say something about him needing to be watched, but then he changed his mind.

  “Do you need watching?”

  Ryder lifted one shoulder.

  “You tell me.”

  They weren’t going to get anywhere like that.

  “I’m not playing this game with you, Ryder. We don’t have to talk about it right now. But we will talk, understand? There will be lots and lots of talking and you won’t be able to avoid it. We’re going to talk so much we’ll probably lose our voices and then we’ll talk some more.” Ryder was silent after Lucah’s speech.

  I half expected him to throw a tantrum like a child, but he just turned his attention back to the television and kept flipping the channels.

  Lucah found an extra chair and brought it into the room so there was one for each of us and then got out his phone.

  “Visiting hours end at nine,” Ryder said after several minutes of complete silence.

  “Good to know,” Lucah responded, looking up from his phone. I’d been reading a book on mine.

  “Which means you will have to leave.”

  “I’m not a visitor. I’m family. And I’m not leaving,” Lucah said, giving Ryder a smug smile.

  “They’re going to kick you out.”

  “No, I don’t think they will.” He said it without looking up from his phone. I didn’t know how strict the policy was, but if anyone could get the nurses to bend it, it would be Lucah.

  I shivered and brought my feet up on the chair.

  “Are you cold? I’m sure there’s an extra blanket here somewhere.” Lucah got up but Ryder’s voice stopped him.

  “Take one of mine.” There was an extra blanket folded on the bottom of his bed. Lucah unfolded it and draped it over me, tucking the edges in. I pulled off my shoes and let them drop to the floor. I wished I would have thought to bring a change of clothes.

  I was trying to get comfortable on the chair with the scratchy blanket when another nurse came in.

  “Someone left this for you at the nurses’ station,” she said in that hushed voice. She held up a bag and I realized that my other friends (Chloe and Marisol, judging by the note left on the top) had come through. Sloane must have called them and asked if they would bring us some clothes. I was beyond blessed in the friend department.

  “And how are we doing?” She gave Ryder a bright smile. He gave her an icy stare in return.

  “Fucking fantastic,” he said in a deadpan voice. The nurse’s sweet demeanor didn’t falter. That probably wasn’t the worst thing someone had ever said to her. Not even close.

  “Good to hear,” she said, and went to take his blood pressure and check his meds and ask him a few questions. I headed for the bathroom to change. I’d been given comfortable sweats and a baggy shirt and sweatshirt to go over it, socks and even a pair of slippers. It was the outfit I wore when I was sick, or so exhausted from work I didn’t want to wear real clothes. I took my hair down and put it back up in a messy bun to go with the messy outfit. When I came out, the nurse was gone, Ryder was still looking surly and Lucah was staring at his phone.

  “Chloe and Marisol left you a change of clothes too,” I said, handing the bag to Lucah. They’d left him pajamas and a suit for the next day.

  “Good women, your friends. Especially Sloane,” Lucah said, taking the bag and going to change in the bathroom. He glanced at Ryder when he said it, but Ryder was staring at the television again. I curled back up in the chair and pulled the blanket over me.

  “You don’t have to be here. I know you’re not my biggest fan.” He didn’t look at me when he spoke, so I didn’t when I answered.

  “I’m not here for you. You’re my boyfriend’s brother. And he wants me here, so I’m here. Deal with it.” I’d expected a retort, but Lucah came out of the bathroom and stopped Ryder from saying whatever it was that he wanted to say. Lucah would put up with Ryder saying whatever he wanted to him, but saying it to me probably wouldn’t go over well.

  “Everything okay?” he said, looking from me to Ryder, who was still concentrating on the television as if he was trying to blow it up through telekinesis.

  “Fucking fantastic,” I said, using the same tone Ryder had earlier. I was rewarded by a stifled chuckle from the guy in the hospital bed.

  Lucah shook his head and came over to give me a kiss on my forehead.

  “You’re pretty fucking fantastic.”

  “Same to you.”

  He went back to his chair and pulled out his phone again. I watched the television flash from channel to channel. It was probably going to give me a seizure.

  “Why don’t you pick something and stay on it?” Lucah said from his corner.

  Ryder just kept clicking, and Lucah sighed. I was getting a view of what their childhood had been like. Some things didn’t change, no matter how old you got.

  “Sunshine, wake up,” Lucah said, kissing my cheek. I woke slowly, and as soon as I was back in the world of the awake, I wanted to go back to the world of sleep.

  The chair I’d gone to bed in had left cricks and kinks and bad spots all over my body. My neck was completely torqued to one side. I moaned as I stretched. I was definitely going to have to make an appointment with my chiropractor.

  “Oh my GOD,” I said, opening my eyes and greeting the horrible bitch known as morning. I hated her almost as much as I hated Mother Nature for her little monthly gift.

  I tried to stand and my legs wouldn’t support me because they’d been too cramped all night. But Lucah was there to catch me.

  “What time is it?” I looked around the room, and finally found a clock on the wall. It was six thirty. Fuck me. That was probably the worst night of sleep I’d ever had in my life and now I had to go work. Without Lucah.

  I sat back down in the chair and pulled my hair out and ran my fingers through it. I didn’t want to take a shower here, but there really wasn’t time to go home and bathe before I went to work. This would be one of those days when Lucah’s hair skills were invaluable.

  Ryder was asleep, curled on his side with the lines for his IVs all tangled up like balloon strings.

  Lucah handed me a cup of coffee.

  “You found the nurses’ station,” I whispered, taking it from him. He looked as terrible as I felt. Dark circles etched themselves under his glorious blue eyes and his hair was nearly standing on end. Probably from all the times he’d run his fingers through it with anxiety.

  “I did. I’ve been patronizing it all night, but no one said anything. I also got some muffins from the vending machine down the hall, if you want one.” My stomach was churning and upset, so I stuck with the coffee at the moment.

  “I wish I could stay here with you,” I said, and he pulled his chair over so it was right across from mine and put my feet in his lap, pulled off my slippers and started rubbing them. He was so good to me. To everyone he loved.

  “I know, but you need to go to work. I’ll be fine here. Now that he’s getting back to normal, I’m better. Besides, Tate and April are coming up again. And I have the sneaking suspicion that Sloane is going to drop by as well.” I knew she would.

  “I probably look like shit.”

  “You’re beautiful no matter what.” He switched to my other foot as I sipped my coffee. The hospital was bustling. There was never an “off” time. The lights were always on, and someone was always there. It was comforting, actually, to know that when you needed someone, the good people of Mass Gen were available.

  “You’re biased, Mr. Blythe. But I’ll let it slide.” I finished my coffee and then went to the bathroom to try to get myself somewhat presentable. I turned
on the light and almost screamed. It was that bad.

  I took a deep breath and started with washing my face and untangling my hair and dressing in the clothes the ladies had picked for me. I loaded on the makeup and went for bold lips so people would look at them and not my eyes.

  I slipped into my shoes and walked back out. Lucah whistled quietly.

  “Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Can you help with this?” I pointed to my head. Lucah patted his lap. I sat down and he worked on my hair, French braiding the sides back into a bun. Ryder mumbled something in his sleep and turned over. The machines picked up for a moment and then settled back to their steady beeping.

  “Done,” Lucah said, patting my hair. I got up and checked it in the mirror. Perfection. I munched on one of the muffins and had another cup of coffee. And then it was time for me to get my ass to work.

  “I love you. If anything happens, or you need ANYTHING, and you don’t call me, you’re going to be in a bed next to your brother. I will be texting you throughout the day to check in, and as soon as I can leave, I’ll be here.”

  “Yes, Miss Clarke.” He gave me another kiss and I waved goodbye to Ryder’s sleeping form. He’d probably flip me off if he were awake. With one last look at Lucah, I headed off to work without him, for the first time in a long time.

  I called Dad on the cab ride over to the office to ask him if he could call Lucah’s department and tell them that he wasn’t going to be in. I didn’t explain the details, just said that Lucah was under the weather. I didn’t know what to tell Dad about the Ryder situation, but I wanted to talk to Lucah about it before I told anyone else. It wasn’t my story to tell.

  “Good morning,” I said to Lilia, trying to smile as if I’d had a full night of restful sleep.

  “Good morning,” Lilia said, and then looked up at me. “Are you okay?” She kept her voice down, which I appreciated, but my makeup job apparently hadn’t been good enough, which I did not.

  “Just had a long night. Couldn’t sleep. Thinking about too many things.” She nodded in understanding. I leaned closer.