Bucking the Sarge

by Christopher Paul Curtis

  I handed him three hundred-dollar bills.

  “How many suits are we looking at?”

  “Six. No, wait, you better make it two for Sparky, and I might as well get one for me, too.” I mean if Darnell Dixon got ahold of me I wouldn’t have to let Shayla’s dad decide what I’d wear in the end. “So make it eight of ‘em. All Armanis.”

  “Eight Armanis?”

  “She’s lost her mind.”

  “Hold on. I’ma guesstimate the cost of some sharp accessories and shoes.”

  He punched a bunch of numbers into a calculator.

  “How’s fifteen percent off sound?”

  “Not as good as twenty.”

  “You are definitely your mother’s son.”

  “Ouch.”

  “All right, twenty percent off will kill me, but let’s do it.”

  I said, “Two other things. First, I need the alterations done now, and second, I want you to handle everything, no commission to Miss Thang out there.”

  “I got no problem with that, Luther, but the tailors can’t possibly—”

  I peeled another hundred off the roll.

  Ricardo smiled and said, “How’s two hours sound? But nothing beyond cuffs and waists, you can bring them back later for anything else.”

  “Sounds like a winner.”

  “How are you paying?”

  I waved the Happy Neighbor Group Homes Inc. checkbook at him.

  “Ooh, I thought you were going to peel some more cash off that roll, Luther. I’m afraid company policy is that I have to get an OK from ChekChek on anything this large, looks like we’re talking somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty, twenty-five thousand dollars.”

  “Ricardo, I’m crushed. You know that check’s good. ChekChek away, my brother.”

  The check cleared.

  “Didn’t doubt it for a minute, Mr. Farrell, but you understand.”

  Sparky decided he was gonna be troublesome. Since the Crew had picked Armanis he had to have something by someone else. He picked out a bad double-breasted Canali.

  I said, “Wait, you remember that 1-800-SUE-EM-ALL brother?”

  Sparky said, “Yeah, now when I find me someone to sue and go to court I’ll be looking good!”

  I said, “Not as good as you will with this.” I’d found a suit just like the Versace that Dontay Gaddy was wearing in the commercial, it had been reduced thirty-three percent.

  Sparky said, “Oh my God! Oh yeah, put this Canali back!”

  “Why should we put it back? Get both of ‘em.”

  Sparky was truly touched.

  Two hours later me, the whole Crew and Sparky’d all been fitted and Ricardo started putting their suits in garment bags.

  I told him, “Hold on a minute, Ricardo.”

  I opened the two black permanent markers I’d bought from the drugstore. I handed Sparky one. The Sarge would’ve brought so much pain on Ricardo that he’d had to take these clothes back, so I had to close this one last door.

  Right in front of Ricardo, I started writing everyone’s name in big black letters on the inside of their jackets and slacks.

  He laughed and said, “Thank you so much, I just knew she’d’ve figured out some way to make me give her a refund, but looks like that’s out now!”

  That got Sparky’s attention. Quick as he could he wrote “Property of Sparky and the Flint F.D.” on the inside of both of his suits.

  They all wanted their names on their new gym shoes too so after I’d taken care of that we squeaked, squealed and ran another beautiful fast break back to valet parking.

  The bus was at the front door. After we got in I told Sparky, “You know how everything’s got a price?”

  He hugged his suit bags closer to his chest. “Go ahead, I been expecting this.”

  “Here’s the price of three pairs of shoes and a Canali and a Versace suit. When we get home I’m not going to stick around for when the Sarge gets back. I’m heading out, I took all this cash out of her safety deposit box.”

  “You did what!” Sparky jumped out of his seat, threw the suits on the floor like they were on fire, kicked at the boxes of Air Jordans like they were three pit bulls attacking him and shouted, “Oh no. Turn this bus around and take me back to the mall! How was I supposed to know you stole this from your momma? I thought you stole it from a civilian! Are you crazy? Don’t you know what she’s gonna have Darnell Dixon do to you?”

  I said, “I took it from her safety deposit box but it’s what she owes me, it’s my education fund. Besides, remember what we used to say, ‘Womb to tomb, birth to earth.’ ”

  “Uh-uh, you turn this bus around now! I’m giving all this stuff back!”

  “Like they’re gonna let you return something with your name all over it in permanent black ink.”

  “Aw, naw, Luther! What I ever do to you that you’d put me in something bad like this?”

  “Hey. You said you wanted a suit.”

  “But I swear on a stack of Bibles I didn’t know it was your momma’s money. I never would’ve done it.” Sparky started breathing real deep. “This just ain’t right, bruh, what am I gonna do?” He flopped back into the seat and covered his face with his hands.

  “You’re gonna listen to what I’ma tell you. Like I said, when the Sarge gets home I’ma be gone.”

  Sparky took a deep breath and said through his fingers, “Now that’s the first thing you’ve said that makes any sense.”

  “Yeah, I’ma be gone, but you’re gonna be there.”

  Sparky jumped to the front door of the bus and started trying to pry the doors apart. “Open these doors now!” There was no way in the world he could get them open. When I ordered the bus I got the No Tamper Front Door Locking option.

  “Listen, Sparky, I gotta have someone watch the Crew while I take care of some business. I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’re my boy. Who else can I trust to do this for me? And you know you look G’d up in those suits.”

  “Naw, Luther, she’s gonna go Flint on you when she sees what you bought these folks, and who knows what’s gonna happen when she finds out you stole from her. I don’t know about you, but I ain’t got no plans to be spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for Darnell Dixon.”

  I took my wad out and counted ten hundred-dollar bills.

  “This is a down payment, you do what I tell you and I’ll give you another two thousand later. I’ll call Mr. Foster to make sure you stayed till the Sarge and Darnell got back, then I’ll drop your cash.

  “I’ve thought the whole thing out. All you gotta do is tell her I called you and asked you to watch the house while I took the Crew out. Little Chicago is going to be coming over later on and he’ll take over. You can claim you don’t know anything about any of this, and I’m not gonna tell you where I’m going because I don’t want them to scare it out of you.”

  Saying “scare” sounded a lot better than what I meant, “torture.”

  I said, “Come back tomorrow morning at eight and stay until midnight, then come back on Friday till the Sarge gets back. That’s all you gotta do for three thousand dollars cash. That’s it.”

  He looked at the little pile of suits and shoes and then at the cash in his hand and I thought my boy was going to break down.

  He said, “It’s like you said, no one’s gonna take any of this back. I guess I could have all your crew hide their new threads till I got away. If they ever did call me out on it I guess I could say I don’t know nothing about none of this.”

  I said, “The way I’m gonna handle this you won’t have to worry, no one’s gonna be calling nobody out. I wouldn’t leave you hanging.”

  Sparky looked very serious. “Yeah, I did look sharp in those suits, didn’t I? Especially that double-breasted Versace. Dontay Orlando Gaddy didn’t have a thing on me, did he?”

  “Not a thing.”

  “Huh,” Sparky said, “this just might work out after all. Two thousand more dollars, you say, and all I gotta do is
stay there till your momma gets back?”

  “Soon as Mr. Foster tells me you stayed the whole time I’ll mail it. Besides, when you known me to lie?”

  Sparky sighed as he bent over to put the shoes back in their boxes and pick up his garment bags. I guess hanging out with me had had some kind of effect on him. He sounded almost philosophical when he said, “You know, you go through your days kinda wondering what you’re really worth, wondering what you’d risk your life for. Now I know; a Canali, a Versace, three pairs of Air Jordans and three thousand dollars cash.”

  He sounded depressed when he said, “If you’d’ve asked me before I’da swore up and down that I was worth a lot more than that.”

  “Don’t look at it like that, look at it like you’re getting paid something around nine thousand dollars for two and a half days’ work.”

  He smiled again. “I guess that does make me sound a whole lot more valuable, doesn’t it? I guess you got me over a barrel, let’s make this work.”

  “You’re my boy, Sparky.”

  Sparky turned around and pointed a finger at Mr. Baker. “Now, I ain’t as unreasonable as Luther. If you want a smoke we can work something out. You keep your drawers clean until Little Chicago gets home, you hear me?”

  Mr. Baker said, “Hey, buddy, I’m feeling a strong urge to smoke.”

  Sparky said, “You be cool. You’re gonna have all the cigarettes you can handle, I swear ‘fore God.”

  The countdown had started to get serious. The Sarge and Darnell would be back from Washington in no time at all. So far, so good.

  I used one of the last pages in my student planner Musings section to make another one of my Luther T. Farrell lists. I had to knock this one out real quick to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

  I wrote across the top of the page “LUTHER’S LAST LIST,” then put:

  The Happy Neighbor Group Home for Men bus.

  Quickee Print.

  Back to the bank.

  Whittier Middle School.

  Transcripts.

  Award pickup!!!

  Farewell, My Love. Part One.

  Dealing with Darnell Dixon.

  Halo Burger.

  Chester X and Luther T ride again.

  Farewell, My Love, the Sequel.

  1. THE HAPPY NEIGHBOR GROUP HOME FOR MEN BUS.

  Getting rid of this bus was going to be easy for me.

  A lot of the time people get real attached to their rides and have sick feelings for them. Like the perverted love Darnell Dixon has for his Riviera. But for some reason me and this bus had never bonded. I was so excited when I first got it because I thought I’d have to be fighting the women off, but that never happened.

  I think the brothers at school haven’t been giving the young women of Flint enough credit and respect when they say most of them are materialistic and nothing but sack-chasers. I can tell you from personal experience that not one girl from Whittier Middle School was the least bit interested in being seen in my bus.

  Even though it cost over $85,000.

  Even though it’s got a DVD player in it.

  Even though it’s got the No Tamper Front Door option where the most berserk person in the world couldn’t bust out.

  Even though it’s got a bunch of red flashing lights.

  Even though it’s got HAPPY NEIGHBOR GROUP HOMES INC. written across the sides and on the back in big black letters.

  Even with all that going for it there was no way you could call my bus a honey magnet. You have to give the young sisters of Flint their props, they weren’t so shallow that all they wanted from a brother was a cool ride. I’m living proof of that.

  I got the Sarge’s spare keys, moved Darnell’s Riviera and drove the bus back to Big Bob’s Camper and RV World.

  An hour later me and a cashier’s check for $47,543 were headed back to the home. Big Bob had really stuck it to me, but I figure this was a quick way to get a bunch of cash together. They gave me a ride back to the home and I started wheeling in Darnell’s Rivy.

  If the Sarge wanted to be paid back for the bus and the metal box cash she could just deduct them from my education fund, wherever that figment of my imagination was hanging out these days.

  One down, seven to go.

  2. QUICKEE PRINT.

  This was easy too. An hour after I walked in with the weekly receipts briefcase I walked back out with two copies of every document, deed, bankbook, and ledger that the Sarge had hidden in the secret safety deposit box.

  Two down, six to go.

  3. BACK TO THE BANK.

  I took the safety deposit box key and went back to see Elaine. I put back $25,000 of the $50,000 I’d taken and left one set of the Xeroxed copies of everything in the Sarge’s safety deposit box. I opened a safety deposit box of my own and put the other set of Xeroxes and the originals in it.

  Three down, five to go.

  4. WHITTIER MIDDLE SCHOOL.

  Transcripts.

  Award pickup!!!

  I wheeled Darnell’s Rivy into Whittier’s parking lot. How come there was no one to see me now? It seemed like anytime any kids saw me in my bus, they’d always laugh and point.

  I went to the office and asked Mrs. Vickers if my medal had come in.

  She said, “You’ll have to check with Mr. Brown, he was handling that.”

  I said to her, “I need to get a copy of my transcripts, too, I’m transferring to another school in another city next September.”

  She went to a file cabinet and thumbed through some folders.

  “Sorry to hear that, young man. By the way, I saw you on the news.”

  I made a face.

  She looked up from the cabinet and said, “Now, that’s strange, I can’t seem to find your records. I’ve got a Luther T. Farrell here, but according to this there’s no Loser T. Farrell enrolled in the school.”

  All the rejects and lowlifes who worked in the office and all the fools that had been sent down here to get disciplined died laughing.

  Mrs. V said, “Sorry, sweetheart, I just couldn’t resist.”

  She started Xeroxing my transcripts.

  “That’ll be twenty dollars for this copy and twenty dollars for the copy we’ll have to send directly to your new school, Luther. What’s the address?”

  “I’ll have to email you when I know it. Can I talk to Mr. Brown now?”

  She said, “Just a minute, he has someone in there.”

  I peeked over her shoulder into Brown’s office. Some poor soul was stuck in that tiny chair while Brown pretended to be on the phone.

  Finally he held his hand over the mouthpiece and said to the student, “You should’ve thought of that before. Enjoy your time in detention.”

  Some stupid seventh grader came mumbling out of the office.

  Brown signaled to Mrs. V.

  As soon as I got into the office he pointed at the chair.

  He must be crazy. I just stood there.

  He finally looked up to see why I hadn’t followed his orders.

  He put his hand over the mouthpiece again and said, “Right there, it just came in. Congratulations.”

  I picked up my medal and couldn’t help smiling.

  4. WHITTIER MIDDLE SCHOOL

  c. Farewell, My Love. Part One.

  I kind of floated down to Ms. Warren’s class. I knew this was her free period and I hoped she’d be in her room correcting papers or something.

  I knocked on her door.

  “Come in.”

  I walked in and there she sat, looking like she just fell out of the pages of Essence magazine.

  “Luther!”

  “Hey, Ms. Warren.”

  “Is something wrong? Why’d you and Sparky skip my class?”

  “Everything’s cool. I just wanted to come say goodbye. I’m going to be moving to another city today.”

  “You know that’s the trouble with you ninth graders, you all grow up to be tenth graders and leave us like we meant nothing to you.”

&nbs
p; “No, Ms. Warren, it’s not like that. I just wanted to come and tell you that you really helped me a lot, you got me using lists and I can see how helpful they are with everything. That’s one of the things that got me organized for the science fairs.”

  “Luther, you don’t have to thank me, it was a pleasure having you as a student. If I didn’t think it would embarrass you to death I’d give you a silver star to put on your forehead.”

  We both laughed.

  She said, “I saw you on TV the other night.”

  “I know. I looked like a real idiot. They cut all the good parts out. The only good thing about it was that it was only on for a hot second.”

  She said, “On channel twelve?”

  I nodded.

  She said, “At eleven o’clock?”

  “No, I saw it at six.”

  “They must not’ve shown the whole thing. At eleven they did a very good report and you sounded very intelligent. You seemed a little nervous at first, but who wouldn’t? They even had a statement from the mayor’s office saying that because of you there was going to be a full investigation. He even thanked you for bringing this problem to light. You didn’t see any of that?”

  “No, all I saw was me licking my lips and saying, ‘Nope,’ ‘yup,’ and ‘uh-huh.’ ”

  Ms. Warren laughed. “Too bad you missed it, you were most impressive.”

  “Really?”

  She laughed again. “I was overcome by your brilliance.”

  I can’t believe how fine Ms. Warren is! If I was a little older or she was a little younger she’d be in some deep trouble.

  “Anyway, Ms. Warren, I gotta go. Thank you for all of your help and for making me feel like I can do anything.”

  She said, “Luther T. Farrell, you get out of this room before you make me cry.”

  She stood up and hugged me. I don’t know how long I held on to her but after a while she started doing that squirming that women do when they want you to know that you’re making them uncomfortable and if you don’t quit pretty soon there’re going to be hurt feelings involved. I let her go and left her room and her life.