Bare All

by L M Allen

  “Thank you. I’m looking forward to working with you all.”

  “Me twoo!” Summer says seriously, and everyone laughs. She frowns.

  “Do you want to introduce yourself?” I ask, trying not to giggle. She nods and pushes her hair from her face with her free hand.

  “Heweow. My name is Summer. I’m four, and I can climb vewy twall trees.” There’s a big “awww” as all the women melt. The staff is mainly female. And it’s instantly obvious which of the few men are fathers.

  “Will you be working in the office, Summer?” one of the organisers asks. I’m going to need name badges.

  “No.” Summer eyes her. “I’ll be at pwescwool.”

  “Of course.” The woman nods seriously.

  “I was poorly yes-erday, so I got to stay with my mum.” She looks up at me, and I give her a wink. “Are we done now?” she asks.

  “I think so, unless anyone has any questions?” My gaze travels around the room. The expressions range from curious, to dubious, to thankful, but everyone shakes their heads and declines to ask anything further.

  Summer and I say our goodbyes after a quick chat with Glenn, and head out into the afternoon sun. “Let’s go eat, sweet pea.”

  Chapter 9

  The weeks have both dragged and raced by. Every time I open my bedside drawer, I’m reminded that I have one more big decision to make. A life-changing decision. But I usually just push it aside, grab my clean underwear and race into work.

  For the last four or five weeks, I’ve had to make sure I’m there to collect Summer, which has also meant either taking her with me to appointments or working from home. It’s an issue. I know it. I know I could solve it by asking Mum to have her, but I just can’t do it. Not yet. And I need to find another solution.

  So, when Daisy’s dad asks if Summer would like to go over for tea one evening after preschool, I almost bit his arm off, and it has left me with a few precious hours extra to play with today.

  “Hey, Eva.” Scott smiles at me as I emerge from my old office with my laptop and a box full of stuff that needs to be relocated.

  “Hey.” I smile too, and then stop. “Did we...did we have a meeting booked? I...”

  “No. No, I just dropped by on the off chance.”

  “Oh. Good. Okay.” He looks at my box and jerks his head in a ‘give it here’ way. “Thank you.” I shuffle the box into his arms.

  “You’re moving out?”

  “Relocating. Come with me.” My eyebrows jump up and down, and I lead Scott to the lift. “New office,” I tell him as I hit the button for the top floor.

  The lift doors slide apart to reveal a buzzing, open-plan workspace. And it’s mine.

  Gone is the dingy glass box I originally viewed. I’ve added lots of tall potted plants, and Richie has jazzed up the walls, including a reproduction of the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole, with a new company logo that leads the eye in. The floors are polished oak, the many windows have been cleaned and now it feels like I’m floating over London, and there is a busy person at every sleek, new desk.

  Scott looks around as I grin. “Come, I’ll show you my office.” I lead him through the workspace, everyone glancing up and nodding or saying hello.

  “This is yours?”

  “It is. It’s about time I moved up here too. Just chuck it on the desk, please,” I tell him, indicating the box in his arms.

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah, it’s growing on me.” I smile, looking around. “So, what can I do you for?”

  “I wanted to run through some ideas for the DOTD Carnival, but if you’re busy...?”

  “It’s fine. I have a whole fifteen minutes to spare. In fact...” I walk around my shiny new desk and press a button on my shiny new phone. “Hi, Alyssa. Could you come in here, please?” She’s my recently appointed office manager.

  I motion for Scott to take a seat as Alyssa makes her way over, and I move the box to the floor. She taps on the door and pops her head around. “Hi, Eva.”

  “Hey. Take a seat.” Scott and I watch her walk over. Her cheeks flush under our scrutiny, and I look away, busying myself with rearranging my chair. “This is Scott. We’re launching his new salsa club in two stages. There will be a soft launch, mid-August, and a full-scale party on the second of November, which is The Day of The Dead. He’s just come in to run through some ideas for the second one.” Now that she’s all caught up, I look at Scott for his input.

  I can’t help noticing the way Alyssa is ogling Scott as he speaks. She’s hanging on his every word. I turn my attention back to him, studying him too.

  I suppose he’s a good-looking bloke. I can see why she’s drooling. He has nice eyes. Dark green. And his arms are toned without being bulky. But I’m not sure I want my staff dating my clients. I know how badly that can go. Maybe I should have a word? But as my eyes move between them, I notice that Scott has barely looked at her at all. That’s probably for the best.

  “So, you do lessons?” Alyssa asks, almost on the edge of her seat.

  “I do. Me, and another couple of instructors I hire in.”

  “Wow. I’d love to learn to salsa.” Hmm.

  “Sounds good, Scott. I need to run so I’ll leave you guys to it. Feel free to stay in here. And, Alyssa?” I wait until she tears her riveted gaze from Scott’s. “Maybe arrange a staff session? Could be a good team builder.”

  “Oooh! Yes,” she gushes. I grab my bag and raise my hand in half a wave, as I rush out the door to my next meeting with cocktail-bar Chris. Rebecca is already waiting for me, her bag in her hand and her sunglasses on her head.

  “Let’s do this!” I smile and gesture for her to go first.

  “Have you managed to read through the file?” I ask as I step into the lift behind her and hit the button.

  “I have. Sounds like it’ll be a cool, classy event.”

  “That’s the plan.” I give her an excited look. “And you’re happy to take over?”

  “Sure.” I’m trying to offload as much work as I can. The long school break is coming up, and with no babysitting options, or none that I’m willing to take, I need to not be here twelve hours a day.

  When Rebecca and I arrive back at the office a few hours later, I head for the ladies and am so glad just to sit down for a bit. I’m feeling it. The never-ending office hours. The sluggish body.

  I sigh, pull at the loo roll, wipe and freeze. The paper is bright red. I grab more and wipe again, only to get the same result. My underwear is bloodstained too. My brain is split right down the middle. It could be nothing...a miscarriage in the first trimester is extremely common...It’s probably nothing...You didn’t want this baby anyway, did you? One in four...

  My baby! Holy fuck! My baby!

  I redress, wash my hands, and head in a daze for the emergency gyne clinic. I know where it is, and call them on the way. First trimester bleeding, no pain, plenty of stress. Classic mis... No! It could be nothing. But I know the odds aren’t in my favour.

  ***

  “Eva Adams?” The sonographer calls. I stand, and she looks at me with that professional kindness the NHS trades on.

  “I’m Sonya. I’ll be doing your scan today.” She directs me into a room with a bed and an ultrasound machine. “Just lie back for me. Lift your top and unbutton your jeans, please.”

  I do as she asks, and she tucks blue tissue in around my rolled-down waistband, and squirts the freezing-cold gel over my tummy.

  “Can you tell me what’s brought you in today?”

  “First-trimester bleeding. No pain.”

  “Okay, Eva. You just relax and let me have a look at what’s going on in here. Don’t worry if I go quiet, I’m just taking some measurements.” She moves the device over my lower belly, tilting her head and pressing hard.

  “When was your last period?”

  “Nearly five years ago. I had an implant.”

  “So you have no idea how far along you should be?”

  “No more than twelv
e weeks, at a guess.” She nods, and continues clicking and moving the device around. It’s taking a while. Longer than it should.

  She turns the monitor to face me. “Here is the baby’s heartbeat.” I look at the tiny, pulsing blob on the screen and choke on my breath. “Heartbeat? It’s...?”

  “You’re six weeks and two days, making you due on the sixteenth of February.”

  “Huh!” I gasp, unable to draw a full breath. “I thought...I thought I’d miscarried.” The tears I’d denied well up and spill from my eyes, before I can stop them.

  “No.” She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “But the doctor will want to see you.”

  “But...it’s okay?”

  “Yes. Baby is doing well.”

  “I...I thought I didn’t want it...”

  “But now, you’re not so sure?” A soft wave of serenity settles over me. I could never kill my baby. I’m having another child.

  “No. Now, I am sure.” For the first time since taking that test, I am really sure. And I have to tell Will. He has the right to know he’s going to be a father, even if he doesn’t want me.

  “Here.” She hands me a wad of blue tissue. “You can clean that gel off now, and go and take a seat back in the waiting room.” I reach for the tissue in her hand, as she hits another button and prints me out a picture of my baby.

  “Thank you.”

  As I leave the hospital, after having stopped by the chemist to pick up prenatal vitamins, I feel like I’m floating, the picture of our baby clutched tight in my hand. I can finally see a path ahead. It’s been a long time, or it feels like a long time, but now I can see which way I need to go. And my first stop has to be Escape. Maybe we can still fix this. Will is a devoted father, and after what happened with his own parents, I know he’ll do the right thing by our baby.

  ***

  When I enter the foyer, I wave to Stefan in the coffee bar. He almost drops the cup he’s filling. Nothing ever changes, huh? I smile as my hand goes to my belly, and hope surges in my heart as I turn down the corridor to Will’s office.

  I tap on the door, and he barks, “Come in!” So I push the door open and stop short. The blonde is sitting in his chair. He looks like he’s pacing or something, his cheeks flushed and his hand gripping his hair.

  “Oh, sorry. I...” He whirls around and stares at me. The blonde gets up, walks over to him, wraps her arms around his waist, and kisses his cheek.

  “Eva...” Will chokes. His wide eyes sweep over my face.

  “Do you want to tell her, or shall I?” she purrs, and my organs freeze. I can’t even ask. I don’t want to. But she continues so I don’t have to. “We’re having a baby! Isn’t it exciting?” she squeals, and moves closer to Will. For a few seconds, I’m completely numb.

  I look at Will, washed out and pale. He’s thinner. I can’t make this harder for him. Above all else, I still love him. I still want to protect him from pain...in any way I can.

  “Congratulations.” I even manage to smile. I keep my gaze on Will, standing motionless. Speechless. “I hope you’re happy, Will. I really do.” And I turn around to leave, but quickly spin back again. I need to say this. I’ll probably never get another chance. “Thank you. Thank you for the best few months of my life. I know you’re going to be amazing.” My heart is aching, broken; my smile is bittersweet. Tears trickle down my cheek, but I swipe them away.

  I really hope he finds his happiness. Whatever that looks like. Now, I need to find mine. But it’s not here, so I leave him to his future and walk towards my own. Whatever that may be.

  Chapter 10

  Six weeks later.

  “Muma! Muma!” Summer calls out and waves to me from high, high up the huge bumpy waterslide. I wave back, both arms stretched above my head. From my spot poolside, she looks as if she could be floating in the deep blue Mediterranean sky.

  I watch her squeal and laugh her way over the humps and bumps and land with a splash in the shallow pool, before she scrambles out to do it all again. “Two more, monkey. We need to eat.”

  The mention of food is all that’s needed for a happy agreement from my girl. Summer has made full use of The Blue Diamond’s five-star, all-inclusive facilities on our Greek island-hopping adventure, but particularly the many eateries. She is a firm favourite with all the chefs here. I think a lot of them may want to adopt her.

  We’ve been in Greece for three weeks now, which means we only have one more left before we have to fly back to England. We have had many a difficult discussion while we have been here, including why we won’t be living with Will and Mae when we return home.

  I pull out my phone and reread the email thread from my estate agent.

  To: EvaAdams@E:Vents.com

  From: SallyRichards@countryproperties.co.uk

  Hi Eva,

  I’m pleased to tell you that we have a cash buyer at full-asking price for both The Nook and Eden.

  Please confirm you are happy to proceed.

  Thanks,

  Sally

  From: EvaAdams@E:Vents.com

  To: SallyRichards@countryproperties.co.uk

  Hi Sally,

  Great news. Thank you.

  Can you please put in the offer we discussed on Lilac Cottage?

  To: EvaAdams@E:Vents.com

  From: SallyRichards@countryproperties.co.uk

  Morning Eva,

  I’m pleased to tell you that your offer on Lilac Cottage has been accepted. As you know, the property is currently empty so I’ll liaise with your solicitor to move forward with the purchase.

  The buyer for Eden would like to know if you’re willing to sell the woodlands at the back of the property too? If so, I’ll do some research on an appropriate asking price.

  Best regards,

  Sally

  I’ve been putting off answering her, because I know there’s only one answer I can give. I could never set foot in those woodlands again. They will always be the place Will proposed. It will always be attached to what should have been our family home. Where we could have had it all. But we don’t.

  I could never go there and find peace again. So, I tap out the quick ‘yes’ I have been dreading and hit send.

  I haven’t told Summer that we’re moving yet. I know I have to, I’m just not looking forward to it. We have both cried and laughed and eaten small mountains, but she is really excited about the prospect of being a big sister. I told her the day I was twelve weeks and out of the danger zone.

  “Okay!” Summer declares as she skips along to our table, her skin a deep bronze and her hair wavy with sea salt and bleached white by the sun. She looks like a little surfer baby. “I’m weady.”

  “Good. Me too. What do you fancy?” I hold out her cover-up, and she shrugs it on.

  “Joe’s.”

  “Huh. Again?” Joe’s is an Italian-style restaurant that does the most amazing meatballs. I’m not complaining, but she’s had them three times in the last two days. Summer sits down on the ground to put on her sandals.

  “Yep!” When she jumps up and slips her little hand in mine, and we walk around the pool and across the wooden bridge towards the bulk of the resort. Joe’s is in the main complex.

  We’re greeted with warm smiles of recognition and are quickly seated in a booth near the window with menus.

  “Ahhh, beautiful Eva. What can I get for you today?”

  “Hi, Gino. A large spring water please. Lots of ice and lemon.”

  “And for you, my angel?” he asks Summer.

  “Lemonade, pease.” And Summer gasps. “Angel Davey!” she squeals and jumps up, running to the door and calling out. I look around, my eyes sweeping the area. And then I see him. Davey.

  “Ahhh, your man?” Gino asks.

  “Worse. My brother.” Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. If he’s gone to the trouble of tracking me down, and came all the way here, he must be realllly pissed off with me. I wonder if he’ll listen? Give me the chance to talk before he tears into me, or if I should just
tack his name on the bottom of the list of people who hate me?

  I watch Davey scoop Summer up and twirl her around before his eyes hit mine. I have no idea what to expect as he prowls towards me, his gaze refusing to release mine.

  He sets Summer down on the booth seat and holds out a hand to me. I take it cautiously. He pulls me up, and his embrace swallows me whole. A sigh leaves my lungs in a woosh, and I press my cheek to his chest, wrapping my arms tighter around him. It’s been so long since someone’s arms were around me. Summer’s don’t reach.

  After several minutes of holding me tight, Davey slowly releases me but grasps my fingers as he sits and pulls me down beside him.

  “How far along are you?” he asks. I take a sharp breath. “I can feel it.” He reaches out a huge hand and places it lightly on my belly.

  “Thirteen weeks.” His eyes fill with pain, and I look away fast. I don’t want any more of that.

  “We need to talk.” I nod and glance at Summer. “But let’s eat first. I’m bloody starvin’!” He grins at Summer and swipes her menu.

  “I’m having mweat-balls,” she tells him and picks up her lemonade for a long drink.

  ***

  Davey sits beside me on the terrace that night, a cold beer in his hand, a tan already deepening the tone of his olive skin.

  “I need to tell you something. And I need you to listen. To everything I have to say, before you react. Okay?” I swallow hard and nod.

  “Eva...Will...”

  “I know,” I interrupt. I don’t need him to tell me that Will is with someone else.

  “I guarantee that you don’t know shit. Listen. And don’t talk.” I scowl but keep my mouth shut.

  “Will was targeted. Emotionally tortured, by an ex-associate. This man, he made Will think that you and Gary...” I gasp, shaking my head, and Davey glares at me. I squeeze my knees together and press my lips into a thin line, trying to sit still and not talk. “I knew it wasn’t true but I couldn’t prove it.” His steady gaze holds mine. “Will got drunk. Pass-out drunk and a woman, linked to the man, made him think they’d had sex. They hadn’t. And if she is pregnant, which I sincerely doubt, but if she is, it can’t be Will’s. He couldn’t even stand, let alone...