He looked at her matter-of-factly. “Once is enough. I think we should do a pregnancy test.”
* * *
* * *
Julie had entered the Mystic Creek Internal Medicine building with a virus and walked out pregnant. Still feeling as sick as a dog, she sat in her car with her forehead resting on the steering wheel. Pregnant. She didn’t want a baby, not now, not when she’d fallen in love with a man who didn’t want children. And how would she ever tell Blackie? He’d be so upset, and she couldn’t blame him. He was fifty-three years old and had bypassed the time in his life for starting a family.
Julie leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes. She had friends who had found themselves in this situation and had considered all of the options, even ending their pregnancies. She placed a hand over her abdomen and felt a sudden rush of maternal protectiveness. Whether she’d planned on this baby or not, she couldn’t contemplate getting rid of it. Not for Blackie. Not even for herself. Only, with a business demanding so much of her time, how on earth would she manage? And if Blackie bailed on her, she’d have to raise the child alone. That wouldn’t be a walk in the park, for sure. But she would do it. Her baby would never grow up thinking that he or she was unwanted.
* * *
* * *
That evening after supper and working with Firecracker, Erin walked down to the log by the creek. She wanted some time to think and sort through her childhood memories, which seemed to be slipping back into her mind with alarming frequency now that she’d been working with Firecracker every day. It wasn’t a pleasant turn of the leaf for Erin.
She was startled when Wyatt suddenly swung a leg over the log and sat down beside her. “You need to stop sneaking up on me like that,” she said with faux aggravation, hoping to make him laugh. She loved the deep, natural sound when mirth caught him by surprise and he just let go. “I came down here to think.”
“Oh, wow,” he said with a grin. “Erin, thinking. What did you come down here to contemplate?”
“My childhood,” Erin confessed. “You were right, Wyatt. Working with Firecracker has helped me look at things and see them for what they really were instead of the way my father painted them.”
“And what are your conclusions?” he asked.
Erin tried not to notice the heat that radiated from his body and warmed her arm. “I’ve concluded that my father is a male chauvinist pig.”
Wyatt chuckled. “Okay. I’m listening. Well, not really. That’s a figure of speech. But unload it on me.”
Erin took a deep breath. “I don’t know why it took me so long to see him for what he is, because the signs have always been there. My mom, for instance. My dad doesn’t respect her or appreciate anything she does. I don’t know how it is between them behind closed doors, but outside the bedroom, their relationship is pretty much a dead zone. My mother hyper-focuses on being a housewife. My father couldn’t care less how hard she works to keep his world perfect. He reads the paper while he eats, barely speaking to her at the table. Then he watches television. She’s a fixture in his life. As a child, I would have been ignored as well if he hadn’t decided to turn me into a boy. Remembering those days makes me so angry.”
Wyatt looped an arm around her shoulders and drew her snugly against him. Erin wanted to make love with him so badly that a tremor coursed through her body. When he bent his head to kiss her forehead, she knew he felt desire, too.
“You have every right to be angry with your father,” he said, his voice gone husky. “What he did was wrong. Eventually, you’ll get beyond the anger, though. I was so angry in my late teens and early twenties, but I finally came to realize none of the people in my life who made me feel broken had intentionally done so. They truly were trying to help me.”
“My father wasn’t trying to help me. He was trying to change me into the son he wanted.”
“True, and I won’t argue with you. He’s definitely a misogynist. But at this point in your life, Erin, holding on to anger will get you nowhere. You need to see your father for what he is and realize he was probably raised to have that mind-set. The next thing you should ask yourself is if your father can help being the way he is.” When Erin stiffened, Wyatt tightened his arm around her. “Just listen for a minute. I’m not making excuses for the man. But I am pointing out that childhood experiences do play a part in molding us into the adults we become. Look at me. Look at yourself. Do any of us reach adulthood without having some hang-ups? I seriously doubt it. Some people want to wallow in misery and complain about things they endured as kids, but are they ever really happy and content with themselves? That should be our aim as adults, to move forward and create our own lives. If we live in the past, we can’t move on.”
“I’m not wallowing,” she said. “I’m just starting to realize most of this stuff.”
“I know, and I’m not trying to rush you into getting past your anger. Eventually you’ll come to realize other things as well, such as the fact that your mother did nothing to protect you from your dad. Why was that? I’m guessing she reached adulthood with some hang-ups of her own. What I’m basically saying is you can’t change either of them, and you certainly can’t go back in time and change your childhood. At some point, you can’t allow it to have power over you any longer. Does that make any sense?”
Erin sighed. “Yes. But I want to be pissed off for a while before I get all saintly and forgive either one of them.”
At that, he did laugh, and she enjoyed hearing the deep rumble. “Fair enough. Stay mad for a while. Then move on.”
“I think my mom saw my dad as her ticket off this ranch. She hated it here. Hated the dust and the mud and the manure. As an adult, she’s never liked animals. She let me have a kitten once, but I didn’t have it for long. Her marriage to my father gave her the life she always wanted, and then she couldn’t give him the son he wanted. I don’t know why she never had another child, but isn’t it possible that she lived in fear that he would divorce her and marry another woman who could give him a son?”
“I think that’s entirely possible.” He straightened and tightened his arm around her. “And you’re thinking she sacrificed you to keep him from leaving her.”
“Yes, that’s exactly it, and I’m furious with her for that. How could she stand aside and let him make me act like a boy? Even worse, whenever I was alone with her, she was constantly riding me for not acting like a lady. I couldn’t make her happy, and I couldn’t make him happy. And when a child never gets any praise, it becomes all-important. At least it did to me. Only now do I understand what I really wanted was to be loved. Instead they made me feel like a disappointment they’d both been saddled with.”
“I am so very sorry that they hurt you so deeply and in so many ways.”
The husky timbre of Wyatt’s voice caught Erin’s attention, and she glanced up to meet his gaze. Her breath caught, and her heart skittered, because she saw tears in his eyes. And there was no doubt in her mind that those tears were for her. He wasn’t merely commiserating with her and saying what he felt was expected; he truly felt sad for her.
But that wasn’t the only epiphany for Erin. She saw something else in those laser-blue depths that sent a shock wave of emotion through her chest. He loved her. She read it in his gaze and the tender expression on his face. How had she missed that? This man was looking at her as if she were the center of his whole world.
For a moment, his features blurred in her vision as he bent his head. She felt his warm breath, scented with coffee and mint, caress her lips. She realized that he intended to kiss her, and every pore of her skin tingled with sudden awareness and yearning. Yes. She’d dreamed of this. Longed for it. And finally it was going to happen.
Only just as his mouth brushed hers, the brim of his Stetson poked her on the forehead. He jerked away, held her gaze for a long moment, and righted his hat. Then he stood and smiled sadly down at her. �
�You definitely have a lot to think about. A lot to work your way through as well. Just don’t stay down here too long. It’s about to get dark. I don’t want you to trip and fall going back.”
Erin wished he would stay and enjoy the evening with her for a few more minutes. She also wished that he would throw caution to the wind and kiss her. Apparently he wasn’t of the same mind, because after giving her a thumbs-up, he walked away.
Trembling and unsettled, Erin wrapped her arms around her waist and stared at the creek. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Wyatt spoke from somewhere just behind her, his voice once again gravelly with emotion.
“Given your past, I can’t just walk away without making sure you know something, Erin, and I hope you never forget it. I think you’re the most beautiful and wonderful woman I’ve ever known.”
Hope welling within her, Erin twisted on the log to look over her shoulder at him. The last, lingering rays of sunlight cast his face in shadow, so she couldn’t read his expression. Even worse, she couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
“If I could see my way clear, I’d wrap both my arms around you and hold on for dear life. I’d go down on bended knee and beg you to marry me. I’d ask you to have at least one of my babies and pray it would be a girl just like you. And you know what else, Erin?”
She could barely speak. “No. What?” she pushed out.
“I’d love that baby girl with every fiber of my being. If she turned out to be a tomboy, I’d support her all the way. If she turned out to be a girly-girl, I’d buy her frilly dresses and pretty little shoes. No matter what, I’d be proud to be her father.”
Erin’s eyes filled. When she blinked, tears spilled over onto her cheeks. She didn’t bother to hide them. Voice shaking, she asked, “Why can’t we make that happen, Wyatt? There’s something special between us. I feel it, and I know you do, too.”
He nodded. “Some things just aren’t meant to be. There are things about me you don’t know. Things I don’t want to talk about, things I never even want you to know. However, I do think you need to know that my reasons for walking away have absolutely nothing to do with you. You’re beautiful, and you’re special. There isn’t a single thing about you that I’d ever try to change.” He bent his head and dug at the forest floor with the dusty toe of his boot. “As you move forward and try to heal from the craziness of your childhood, I hope you’ll remember that one man in this messed-up old world thinks you’re damned near perfect.”
When she tried to speak, he held up a hand. “I’m walking away now, and if you ever refer to anything I’ve just said, I’ll pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about. Friends only, Erin. That’s all I can offer you. I know you don’t understand why. I know you have questions. All I’ll say on that score is that I try never to hurt the people I care about, and you’ve become one of them.”
Erin’s whole body shook as she watched him vanish into the charcoal shadows of the forest. She wanted to scream his name. To call him back to her. To tell him she already knew his dark secret. She wished now that she had made that confession weeks ago. Maybe then he might have listened to her and considered how they could make an intimate relationship between them work. Only she’d been afraid to tell him that she’d used her badge to invade his privacy. Of all the wrong things she’d ever done, she regretted her actions that evening the most.
He was one of the most honest and straightforward men she’d ever known, and she had betrayed his trust. If she ran after him now and told him what she’d done, would he still think she was damned near perfect? Erin felt fairly certain that he’d never look at her in quite the same way again.
Chapter Twenty
Julie waited three days before she decided to tell Blackie she was pregnant. He had stopped in at her shop. He’d asked her if she was upset with him about something. She’d tried to reassure him and pretend nothing was wrong, but she’d never been an accomplished liar, and something was very wrong indeed. She’d needed time to think. About the baby. About how much she loved Blackie and how this pregnancy might destroy her relationship with him. And in the end, when she had completely assimilated that she was going to have a child, she was glad she’d waited. It had given her an opportunity to realize she and her baby had become a package deal. If Blackie hated her for that, she would have to accept it. As deeply as she loved the man, she would allow no harm to come to her child if she could possibly prevent it.
She called Blackie from her shop and asked him over for dinner that night. She still wasn’t sure how she should broach the subject. She knew it would come as a shock to him. It had certainly come as an unpleasant surprise to her.
She fixed a pot roast and all the trimmings for their meal in her Instant Pot, but she decided that eating outdoors would be silly, even though Blackie loved dining al fresco. Once she dropped this bombshell on him, he might walk out, and then she would have to carry in all the dishes and stuff by herself. Her morning sickness lasted well into the afternoon and sometimes even the evening. She’d also been on her feet for twelve hours. In her condition, she needed to pamper herself just a little and rest as much as she could.
When Blackie arrived, he noted how pale she was and asked if she was sick again. Looking up at his sun-darkened face, Julie’s heart broke, because she truly did love this man, and she wished she could be with him the rest of her life. But the child they had created together made that very unlikely.
“I am feeling a little sick,” she confessed. And once she’d said that much, she saw no sense in waiting for a perfect moment to tell him the news. No matter how she delivered it, it was what it was. “When it first started three mornings ago, I thought it was the virus coming back and went straight to the doctor. Only it’s not a virus. I’m pregnant.”
“What?”
Julie braced her shoulders as if for a blow. “I’m sorry. Believe me when I say I didn’t intend for this to happen, but since it has and I can’t do anything to change it, I’m happy about it.”
“Julie, I’m too old to have a baby. I was honest with you from the very start about that. How could you have been so careless?”
Julie flinched as if she’d struck her. “Careless?”
A flush rose up his neck. “Yes, careless. Unless, of course, you did it intentionally. Is that it? I know you yearned to have children during your marriage. Did you decide to get pregnant with my baby on purpose?”
Insulted by his suspicions, she knotted her hands into tight fists. “Don’t be a complete ass, Blackie. Of course I didn’t do it on purpose! If you’ll recall my bout with the flu, I was unable to hold anything down for two days. The doctor says I undoubtedly vomited up at least one, if not two, birth control pills when I was so sick. And apparently one or two missed doses is all it takes sometimes. I never thought about that or the possible risks. I was just as shocked as you are when I found out.” She straightened her spine. “But now that I know, I won’t lie to you and say I’m sorry. I’m not. I’ll have this baby. If you think you can make this go away, you’re wrong. I won’t end this pregnancy even though it was an accident and is, in your mind, a disastrous mistake.” Julie flung her hand toward the archway that led to the front of her house. “Get out and take your small-minded insults with you.”
For a long moment, Blackie just stood and stared at her.
Wanting him out of her sight so she could burst into tears, which she refused to do in front of him, she screamed, “I said get out! And I mean now! My disastrous mistake and I will be better off without you!”
He took a halting step toward her. “Julie, calm down. It’s not good for you to get this upset.”
“Then stop upsetting me and get out! I won’t come after you for child support. You’re free of all responsibility. Now get out of my life!”
* * *
* * *
By the time Blackie got back to his shop, he was devastated. On the way out of
Julie’s house, he’d heard her sobbing and knew he’d broken her heart by saying what he had. He’d handled that all wrong. What had he been thinking to accuse her of getting pregnant on purpose? Okay. The thought had crossed his mind. He’d known how much she’d yearned to have children during her marriage. And, if he was honest with himself, he knew his feelings of insecurity in the relationship had probably prompted his suspicions, too. He was so much older than Julie, and sometimes he wondered why a beautiful young woman like her would want anything to do with a man like him. He was twenty years her senior. Fighting a daily battle against the middle-age bulge. Going gray at the temples. Julie could crook her little finger and have her pick of all the young, single guys in town. Why would she settle for an old junk heap with so many miles on him?
Blackie locked the street door of the shop and went upstairs to think. He collapsed on his recliner and closed his eyes. In his mind’s eye, he pictured how insane it would be to have a kid at his age. Walking the floors with a crying baby at night. Dirty diapers. Colic. Diaper bags, car seats, baby carriers. He was too damned old for all that.
Or was he? Blackie remembered how panicked he’d felt when Julie had gotten so upset that she was shaking, and he suddenly realized with numbing clarity that his concern had not been only for Julie, a healthy young woman in the early stages of pregnancy. He’d been worried about the safety of their baby, too. Most miscarriages occurred during the first trimester. He worried that Julie getting so angry wouldn’t be good for their baby.
Blackie’s heart squeezed with concern for the woman he’d come to love so much and for the child she now carried. He remembered how sad he’d often felt during his forties when he’d yearned to be a father and knew he never would be. And Julie. God, she was a dream come true in his life, one of the best things that had ever happened to him. So what if he was fifty-three? It was only a number. He was still active and in good physical shape. His own father was still alive and almost ninety. If longevity was passed down, Blackie should have a lot of good years left in him. And like it or not, he’d finally gotten his wish and was about to be a father. He couldn’t let Julie go through this without him. She hadn’t gotten pregnant without him, and she shouldn’t have to deal with this pregnancy and raising the child alone.
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