by Erica Lee
Faith was still giving me the same look as I popped back into reality. I shrugged my shoulders. “They are just a bunch of girl crazy boys who are obsessed with playing video games. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
A sly grin spread across Faith’s face. “I have a feeling we’ll get along just fine.”
Before I could respond, she hopped out of the car and then ran over to my side to open my door. The smile on her face made me smile in return. I couldn’t seem to help it when I was around Faith.
She danced around me as we made our way toward the boys’ apartment and I had to laugh. She really did love life. As we got to their door, I took one last deep breath before opening it, knowing I would be entering an area that smelled like pot and dirty socks.
When we walked in, I immediately noticed the old pizza boxes from the pizza we had ordered when I was over the week before. There were also piles of dirty laundry scattered around random spots in the apartment. I couldn’t understand how any girls could actually prefer the opposite sex. I loved these guys, but they were disgusting.
“It was so nice of you guys to clean up for us,” I joked.
My friend Paul shrugged his shoulders. “We don’t want to give your new friend the wrong impression. She needs to like us for us. What you see is what you get.” He then reached out his hand toward Faith. “I’m Paul. It’s really nice to meet you. That’s Frank and Tony. They aren’t gentlemen like me so they probably won’t stand to greet you.”
Faith smiled politely at all three guys and then her eyes went to the tv. “Call of Duty, huh? How pumped are you guys for the newest one to come out this summer? My dad and I are planning to be waiting at the store at midnight to get it. We already plan on camping out if we have to.”
Silence filled the room as all three guys looked back and forth between Faith and I. Their expressions were asking where in the world I found this girl.
“What can I say? I’m daddy’s little boy,” Faith joked.
We all laughed, then got right into playing. We stopped after about an hour because we were all tired of getting killed by Faith. Literally.
“So, where did you say you guys meet?” Tony asked. “Church, right?”
“We’ve been doing a meal delivery thing for the church on Chestnut. It was my punishment for the track party I wasn’t at. I don’t go to church, but Faith does.”
“So you’re a Christian?” Paul asked Faith. “So am I.”
“What?!” I questioned, feeling shocked. “You never told me that.
Paul shrugged his shoulders. “You never asked.”
He was right. I guess I really hadn’t ever taken the time to truly get to know these guys. It made me wonder what else I didn’t know about them.
I didn’t have to wonder for long since Faith spent the next hour asking them all about their families, childhoods, and life goals. When there was finally a lull in conversation, I said that we should probably go since I had agreed to eat dinner with Faith’s family again.
“Hey Joey, do you think I could talk to you in private really quick before you guys go?” Paul asked. I looked to Faith to make sure we had time and she nodded approvingly.
Once we were in Paul’s room, he pointed out toward the living room. “Ok. Faith is absolutely amazing,” he said with excitement in his voice.
“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed,” I lied.
“Oh shut up. You’re absolutely glowing. I’ve never seen you like this.” When I didn’t respond, Paul took that as a cue to keep talking. “So what’s the deal with you two? Are you dating?”
I shook my head. “We’re just friends.”
“Oh,” Paul replied, looking confused. “Do you like her though?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I like her. She’s perfect. But that’s the thing. She deserves better than me.”
“Why do you always do that?” Paul asked, sounding irritated.
“Do what?” I sighed.
“Assume you’re not good enough for anyone.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Years of experience.”
“Listen. I don’t know what kind of crap you went through in the past to give you that idea because honestly you’ve never opened up to me about anything. And I realize that we always talk about how we’re just ‘bros’ who like to ‘chill’ together, but you’re one of my best friends. I think you’re amazing. Honestly, until today I really thought you were the coolest girl in the world. Now you’ll have to settle for number two. But whether you believe me or not, you deserve to be happy.”
I stared at the floor, unsure how to respond. Todd let out a frustrated growl and turned around to leave the room.
“Paul...” I muttered just loud enough for him to hear, causing him to turn around. “I may not believe that I deserve her, but I want to be someone who deserves her. She makes me want to be better.”
Paul’s lips curved into a smile. “Then do it.”
Chapter 9
Faith and I laid opposite ways across my bed, each reading our respective books. After dinner with her family, I had asked if she wanted to come back to my place to do homework and she had readily agreed. We had been silently working for the past hour and a half. I had actually gotten a lot done, which was surprising since I kept taking breaks to steal glances at Faith. She was so mesmerizing to me. It seemed crazy to admit it, but the way she chewed on her highlighter between using it in her book made a whole swarm of butterflies enter my stomach.
As I stared at her this time, she looked up from her book and caught me. I quickly looked away, hoping she wouldn’t notice.
“Bored?” Faith asked nonchalantly. “You must be if you find watching me do nothing to be more interesting than whatever you’re reading about.”
I cleared my throat. “Believe it or not, I actually do find you more interesting than business ethics. It’s pretty close though.”
Faith closed the book in front of her titled Counseling Strategies for Loss and Grief. Now that I knew everything she had gone through, it made sense that she wanted to go into counseling. I had to imagine it couldn’t be easy though to read textbooks talking about grieving families when that had literally been her family at one point.
“I’m down to be done for the night if you are,” she announced.
I quickly shut my book and shuffled myself around so I was laying right beside her. As soon as I had made myself comfortable she started to laugh.
“Well, that didn’t take much convincing,” she said through giggles.
“Like I said before - you are much more interesting than ethics.”
“Oh yeah? I have an idea. Ask me anything and we’ll see how long it takes you to decide to go back to your reading,” Faith challenged.
“Ok,” I accepted. “Was there ever a time when you didn’t believe in God?”
I’m not sure why all of my questions for Faith always seemed to revolve around her beliefs. For a subject matter that I believed to be purely fiction just two months ago, I was strangely curious about it now.
Faith considered the question thoughtfully. “Ok, this is going to sound really strange so bare with me. There was a really short time period when I questioned whether or not I believed in God. It probably lasted about a week or so, but that ended up being the same time that I truly accepted God into my heart.”
“Go on…” I pressed. I was really curious to see where this story was going.
“Oh, so you’re not bored yet?” Faith joked. “It was actually right around the time my brother died. I was going through all of the emotions I told you about before and it hit me - if God was real, why was I going through this? So one night I knocked on my parents’ bedroom door and told my mom that I had decided that I didn’t believe in God anymore. It was kind of a strange revelation since I was young and honestly hadn’t thought too much about my faith before that. Sure, I had gone to church my whole life and had certain bible stories memorized, but it’s not like I really understood what all of it meant. But
anyway, my mom told me she understood, but then challenged me to say one more prayer and read my Bible one more time. She said that if I didn’t find anything to make me believe at that point, she would never ask me to go to church again. So I went back to my room and said some half hearted prayer about how I was only talking to Him to make my mom happy and if He truly loved me He would send my brother back to me. After saying the prayer, I found my bible which I had shoved underneath my bed. Instead of actually opening it, I fanned through the pages and suddenly a piece of paper fell out onto the ground. The side that was facing me was written in my brother’s handwriting and it said No matter where I am, I’ll always be with you kid. Now before you go thinking I’m telling some science fiction story, let me explain. My brother and I used to pass notes in church. A few months before he passed away, he had just finished his junior year and I was upset because I had recently heard him telling my parents that he was thinking about going to college on the west coast. As we wrote back and forth, I asked him what I was supposed to do if he moved far away from me and that was his response. But in that moment in my room, I took that as my sign. It may have been an old note, but to this day I still believe that my brother and God both played a part in that falling out of my bible. I started to cry hysterically and told God that I believed. From that day forward, I dedicated my life to Him.”
“Wow…” was all I could get out as I stared at the ceiling. “That’s intense.”
“What can I say? I was an intense fifth grader.” Faith stuck her tongue out at me when I looked over at her, then added, “Do you think I’m completely crazy now?”
I shook my head as I stared into her eyes. “No. It’s a lot to wrap my head around since I’ve never experienced anything like that, but I don’t think you’re crazy.”
Faith closed her eyes and a satisfied grin entered her face. Instinctively, I reached out my hand and ran it through her hair. She sighed softly and I thought my heart might explode. It was crazy that someone could make me feel like this. I thought about how easy it would be to lean in and kiss her, but I knew I shouldn’t. We had never had a discussion about being more than friends. Although, it sure felt like we were. I hoped the feeling wasn’t one sided.
My thoughts were interrupted when Faith opened her eyes to look over at me. “Can I ask you something?” She questioned.
“Sure…” I hesitated. “I can’t promise to give you a good answer, but I’ll try.”
“Did you ever believe in God?” Faith asked.
I blew out a breath. That was quite a loaded question, more so than Faith could realize. “It’s complicated…” I admitted.
Faith searched my eyes for answers. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” she reassured me. But something about the way she was looking at me made me want to tell her everything.
“No, it’s ok,” I whispered. “Just bare with me. I’m not used to talking to other people about… anything.”
Faith reached out and grabbed my hand, gently rubbing her thumb over mine. “Just tell me as little or as much as you want.”
I took a deep breath. “I actually grew up going to a private Christian school. My parents were really religious so they thought I should go to a school like that so I was ‘protected from the world.’ I guess growing up, I didn’t necessarily believe, but I also didn’t not believe. It was just kind of always there. It was like math or reading or science. It was just another part of my day.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Sorry. That’s really the only explanation I have for you.”
“So, what changed?” Faith asked. “What made you so against believing?” Coming from anyone else, I would have been annoyed with the question. It sounded like something my guidance counselor would have asked me in grade school. It was different coming from Faith though. It was sincere.
I laughed sarcastically. “Oh I don’t know. It could have something to do with the fact that my parents disowned me when they found out I was gay.”
Faith closed her eyes tightly as if my words were painful for her to hear. When she opened them back up, she reached out her free hand to wipe away the tears that I didn’t realize had fallen from my eyes.
“Can I tell you something?” I asked shyly.
Faith kept one hand on my cheek and the other tightly wrapped around mine as she answered me with more sincerity than I had ever experienced from another person. “You can tell me anything Joey.”
I closed my eyes as I tried to figure out how to say it. What I was about to tell her I had never admitted to anyone, not even to myself. “Sometimes I see or hear certain things and it makes me believe that there is some sort of higher power. But it’s so much easier to not believe. It’s so much less heart breaking. Because if there is a God, why would He let my parents do that to me? Why would He allow such terrible things to continuously happen in this world? Why would He take your brother from you? Why would He ever make someone as absolutely amazing as you go through something like that?”
At this point the tears were streaming down my face. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw that Faith was crying too and I felt guilty. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her.
Faith removed her hand from my cheek to wipe away her own tears before speaking. “I honestly don’t know why terrible things happen sometimes. I wish I did. I wish I had all of the answers, but I don’t. All I do know is that the only reason I’ve gotten through the hard times in my life is because of God.”
There was so much I wanted to say in that moment, but I couldn’t formulate any words. Instead I leaned in so my forehead was resting on Faith’s. We stayed like this for a few minutes before Faith spoke again.
When she did speak, her words shocked me. “Come to church with me on Sunday.” When I didn’t respond, she continued. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I would never force you to. I just thought you might want to give it another chance. Plus, since it is the last day of meal delivery, Pastor M asked me to share my testimony about how it went. The extra support would be nice. But again, no pressure.”
The words that left my mouth shocked me even more than Faith’s had. “Ok. I’m in.”
Chapter 10
I stood at the starting line with nerves coursing through my whole body. I didn’t know what had me the most worried in this moment - the race I was about to run, how close the points were in this conference championship so far, or the really pretty girl who was sitting in the stands watching me compete. Or maybe it was the fact that I had agreed to go to church with said pretty girl the next day. Whatever the reason, I needed to calm down and focus. As the starter told us to take our marks, I took a deep breath and looked at the row of hurdles in front of me. As I got into the blocks, I stared down the five obstacles standing between me and another conference championship. When I heard the gun, I immediately took off. Everything around me faded away as I made my way over the hurdles. I leaned across the finish line ahead of all the other runners, then looked toward the clock, anxiously waiting for my time to come up. I pumped my fist when I realized I had run a personal best, which meant I hadn’t only broken my own school record, but also would definitely be going to nationals with that time.
I shook the hands of the other runners, then made my way off the track. I got a few pats on the back and a high five from coach, but that was it. I was used to it by now. I had secluded myself from the rest of the team so much over the years that my victories weren’t celebrated nearly as much as some of my teammates. I always tried to blow it off and act like it didn’t bother me, but I had to admit that it would feel nice to actually be acknowledged once in awhile.
I was making my way toward the other side of the room, where I had my water and Gatorade stored, when I suddenly felt a thump against my body. Arms wrapped around my waist and goosebumps covered my body as I heard Faith’s voice in my ear.
“That was amazing,” she exclaimed. “A personal best, a new school record, and a ticket to nationals all in one race. Not to mention being
the conference champion for like the billionth time. I’m so proud of you.”
For the first time that day, I smiled a genuine smile. I never knew it could feel so good to have someone tell me they were proud of me, but coming from Faith those words meant everything. Faith squeezed me tight again and I melted into her touch, this time hugging her back. After a few seconds, I felt a strong hand on my shoulder.
“Awesome race kiddo,” Mr. Hopkins beamed.
“Yes. It was wonderful. We were all cheering so loud,” a female voice chimed in.
I looked up to see Mrs. Hopkins standing beside her husband. For a moment, I wondered if this was how it felt to have a supportive family, but I quickly shook those thoughts from my head. This was Faith’s family, not mine.
I thanked them all and even allowed Mrs. Hopkins to wrap me in a tight hug. After spending some time talking to them, I excused myself so I could cool down and rest up before I had to run the open 400 meter dash. Normally I dreaded this race since I didn’t particularly enjoy any race where I wasn’t jumping over hurdles, but I felt extra energized for it today. It was also nice that there wasn’t as much pressure on me in this race. Since indoor season didn’t have my main event, coach was constantly switching what I ran from week to week, so the time I was seeded at had me scoring just one point for our team.
As I lined up for the race to start, I decided that I was going to do everything I could to finish in the top five. I kept hearing Faith’s voice in my head telling me she was proud. I wanted to make her proud again. When the race started, I focused all of my energy into it. With just 100 meters left I had made my way up to that fifth place position, but I decided it wasn’t good enough. I passed my competitor running in the lane beside me and caught a girl from our biggest rival out of the corner of my eye. I leaned as far as I could across the finish line, trying to pass her. Everyone stared at the clock to see who had taken the third place position, and to my surprise, my name popped up. This time more of my teammates ran over to congratulate me. I guess that’s what happened when you exceeded expectations and increased the chances of the team winning. I wasn’t paying any attention to my teammates though. My eyes immediately went to the stands where they locked with Faith’s. She was cheering and jumping up and down and as soon as our eyes met, a wide grin spread across her face.