Kindling for the Heart

by Karen Legasy

  Fresh sheets and clean blankets on the bed, Sam looked at her phone and began to scroll through the messages. Trish had left many, starting with the polite ones the previous evening and ending with her rants. Sam threw her cell onto the blankets and cried.

  Why did she have to bring out the worst in people? Is that why her mother really became a drunk? Was it that her daughter was such a disappointment?

  No, Sam. Stop. She needed to get a hold of herself and calm down. Work would be starting in two days and she had to pull herself together before then. She dipped a cracker in the jar of peanut butter. A swig of cranberry juice was sour on her taste buds.

  Memories of their lovemaking the night before tormented her, and she flopped back against her empty pillow. Eyes closed and breathing even, Sam meditated with pleasant memories of time spent alone with Jo and how complete she felt. It was as though she’d finally found where she belonged, a place to call home, a heart to meld with hers.

  Two hours later, Sam woke scrunched and shivering. She pulled a blanket up and her phone banged on the floor. “Fuck.” Sam tried to reach it without getting off the bed, straining her arm and dragging it closer with her fingertips, when it suddenly occurred to her that maybe Jo had seen her messages from Trish.

  Her phone had been in the kitchen while she was in the shower. Trish had started sending them early this morning, her tone sweet and making it sound as if they were still together. There had to be a reason for Jo’s rapid change in behavior, and it happened while she was in the shower.

  Sam rolled off the bed and sat on the floor examining early morning messages on her phone. She read the ones Jo might have seen.

  Jo’s phone went to voice mail after the first ring. “Hey, it’s Sam. Can we talk? I can explain. I love you, Jo.” She ended the call and sent a text then an email, pleading with Jo to hear her out.

  After three hours of repeated messages, there was no response. Sam knew what she had to do to get through to Jo. She got under the covers, turned out the light, and tried to get as much sleep as possible before morning.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Traffic picked up in the daybreak drive as Sam headed north for another long ride. She’d woken at four in the morning, showered, and was on the road before five. She planned to be back in Timmins by early afternoon and would head directly to Jo’s to plead her case.

  If she was guilty of anything, it was of falling in love. Something she never expected would happen with anyone. Now, she couldn’t imagine her future without Jo.

  Daylight brought gray clouds and mist as Sam motored on toward Timmins, determined to make things right. She’d have one night only to reignite the extinguished passion, and then the rest of their lives to sort out the future.

  A promise to attend a meeting with the senior partner in her law firm on Thursday morning meant she’d be back on the road again tomorrow. She couldn’t let the office down, too, especially since they’d accommodated her request for an extended leave when things were insanely busy. Her future career depended on keeping in good standing with the firm, and she always kept her word. Now was not the time to let them down, especially since her personal life was falling apart. She needed to at least preserve her professional self.

  Sam stopped to refuel at the same gas station in North Bay she’d visited the day before. This time her only pit stop was a bathroom break before leaving with a take-out coffee and blueberry muffin. An urgency to get to Jo as soon as possible forced Sam to rely on setting her vehicle’s cruise control, or risk getting a hefty speeding ticket. Most of the drive was a blur. Sam longed to turn back the clock to the previous morning when she was still cuddled in the sheets with Jo and their future was full of hope.

  Sam stopped to refuel again just outside of Timmins, where the sun was starting to peek through the clouds. She wanted to arrive at Jo’s with a full tank of gas and enough energy to do whatever necessary to fix things between them.

  It was just after the lunchtime rush when Sam entered a restaurant and ordered herself something to eat. She fought the urge to leave before her bowl of carrot soup arrived. As much as she wanted to wolf something down and get on her way, Sam knew she needed to relax and a comforting bowl of soup would force her to recalibrate anxiety levels before meeting with Jo.

  A south-facing window captured the midday sun and warmed the room as Jo worked in her home office. She’d spent the night at her mother’s place, not wanting to be alone after her attack on the bamboo flooring, but insisted on returning home after breakfast to get some work done. Surprisingly, the morning had been productive, and Jo checked off another item on her to-do list. Mollie was sprawled in the middle of the room, right where the sun warmed the floor, and seemed content to have things back to normal.

  Jo paused to look at her furry friend and shuddered at how close she’d come to losing her the other night. She could have lost her heart and her dog all in one weekend. Never again would she let her guard down. Wounded, but still intact, Jo knew she’d survive. A best friend in Mollie and undying family support from her sister and mother, she could get through this.

  Mollie suddenly jumped to her feet, her tail wagging. She barked then rushed down the hall toward the kitchen door.

  “What do you hear, Mollie?” Jo got up and followed, then gasped when she saw Sam’s black SUV parked behind her truck. A knock at the door set Mollie into a fit of yelping and Jo’s heart pounding.

  “Jo, are you there?” She needed to calm down and show Sam she was going to be okay. “I need to talk to you Jo. Please? Can you just open up?”

  “I’m busy working right now.” Jo held onto Mollie’s collar and unlocked the deadbolt, but kept the door closed. “What do you want?”

  “To have a chance to explain.” Sam’s voice was muffled through the closed door.

  “Explain what?” Jo inched the door ajar, but kept herself and Mollie wedged behind to prevent it from being pushed open. “How you were playing me and finally got what you wanted before going back to Toronto and Trish?”

  “It’s not like that, Jo.”

  “My ex lives in Toronto now.” Jo was still so angry whenever she thought of Jan. And now she’d have Sam to think about too. “Maybe you should look her up. The two of you would make a good pair.”

  Sam stuck her fingers between the door and its frame. “I love you, Jo. We need to talk. Please let me inside. It’s cold out here and I want to stop draining all the heat out of your house.”

  “You already did that.” But Jo backed off and let the door swing open as Mollie jumped toward Sam. She just had to see her, look her in the eye and let her know any charm she ever had was gone. “You can step into the kitchen, but that’s all.”

  “Hey, girl.” Sam stepped inside and dropped to her knees to greet Mollie as Jo closed the door. “She still likes me.”

  “Of course.” Jo leaned against the kitchen sink, wanting to keep Sam’s focus away from the living room with its destroyed bamboo flooring. “She’s a dog and very forgiving.”

  “Please tell me what happened yesterday morning.” Sam’s voice was soft, pleading.

  Jo folded her arms and crossed her ankles, keeping herself together even though she was crumbling within. “You tell me. What kind of game were you playing? Did you think I’d be okay with your ex still in the picture?”

  “You have it all wrong. I don’t love Trish. I kicked her out of my room as soon as I got home yesterday.”

  “Yeah, right. Like I’m going to believe you drove all the way to Toronto yesterday and are back in my kitchen today. Where did you stay last night? No, forget it. I don’t want to know.”

  “Jo, please.” Sam started to take off her boots. “Let’s sit down and talk.”

  “Oh no, you’re not staying.” Jo shook her head, looking away from Sam’s sad eyes before her resolve really started to waver. “I want you out of here right now and you might as well head back to Toronto again, because the next time I won’t open the door.”

&n
bsp; “I have to be at work on Thursday morning.” Sam’s voice shook. “We need to fix things before then.”

  Jo opened the door, gripping Mollie’s collar for support. “There’s nothing to fix. My life is fine the way it is and thankfully the fire in my heart has smoldered out.” She forced a smile, holding back tears. “Meeting you was a good lesson for me. I wish you all the best. Have a safe drive home. Maybe we’ll run into each other this summer if you come up to the cottage.”

  She practically shoved Sam out the door and clicked the deadbolt back into place.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  On the long drive back to Toronto, Sam resolved to give Jo some space and find a way to fix things. Optimism was the only thing that kept her going, as it had so many times before when her choices could have been much different if pessimism prevailed. Such as going to university and getting a law degree when money was tight.

  A haircut, two new business suits, and East Indian takeout for dinner on Wednesday, Sam set her alarm for six the next morning then climbed into bed. Trish had been out for the evening and the house was empty. Sam lay back on her pillow and stared at the glass light fixture in the middle of her bedroom ceiling. It was off, but the soft glow from her salt crystal lamp illuminated the outdated fixture in the 1960s house that didn’t feel like a home. Not the way Jo’s house had. Sam reached for her computer and pulled up the job ad seeking a criminal lawyer in Timmins.

  Sam immersed herself in her work at Stanford and Associates over the next week. The firm regarded her expertise on legal analysis as invaluable. Her colleagues especially esteemed her ability to recite case law in the areas of criminal negligence and homicide.

  A high-profile case involving an impaired driving conviction causing death and a possible life sentence was about to get underway. The senior partner defending the drunk driver was going through his own personal crisis of a divorce and a child custody battle. Sam’s early return to work was much appreciated as she led preparations for defense during the upcoming trial.

  Her first week was a blur of meetings, gathering information, studying case facts, conducting legal analysis, and building a defense for the trial that was scheduled to start the last week of January. She had support from the senior partner and his team, but Sam took the lead on pulling things together. It was how she was able to keep herself sane when all she could otherwise think about was how much she longed for Jo. Regular visits to the gym, sometimes twice a day, also helped her cope.

  Contact with Trish was minimal. Sam left the house before sunrise each day and returned in time to crawl into bed for a short night of sleep to appease her exhaustion. They rarely saw each other and even then, their interactions were usually less than a minute as Sam dashed out the door or to her room. That is, until the second Saturday night when Trish was entertaining a date in Sam’s living room.

  The two women were entwined on the couch, kissing and half-dressed when Sam came home from the gym. Blond hair and fluffy curls flowed on the cushion as Trish planted kisses on the woman. She tried to sneak by unnoticed and rush directly to her room, but Trish called out.

  “Hey, Sam. Sorry, but I didn’t think you’d be home for a while. Come meet Jo.”

  “Jo?” Sam swung around.

  “Hi.” The young blonde pulled on a black T-shirt and sat up. “This is embarrassing.” She looked at Trish. “I thought you lived by yourself.”

  “I might as well, because Sam’s never here.” Trish adjusted her sweater and got up. “Now that you’re here, Sam, I’d like to introduce you to Jo.” This wasn’t Jo. Not the mature and refined Jo Sam knew, and loved.

  “Hi.” Sam turned to leave, just wanting to get to her bedroom.

  “Wait, Sam,” Trish said. “Why don’t you join us for a glass of wine?”

  “Thanks, but I’m tired and heading to bed.” Sam closed herself in the bedroom and leaned against the door, her breathing uneven as tears welled up.

  Jo. What was she doing? Sam looked for her phone then realized she’d left it in her coat pocket. It was hanging in the front closet. She needed to touch base with Jo. Her Jo. Hear her voice and talk long into the night. She swallowed back tears and found the courage to venture back out to get her cell.

  “Great to see you changed your mind.” Trish handed Sam a glass of wine when they almost bumped into each other in the hallway. “You look like you could use a good binge.”

  “I’m just getting my phone.” Sam tried to push by.

  “Forget your phone.” Trish shoved another glass at Sam. “Here, take one for Jo and go talk to her while I get some for me.”

  “I don’t want to talk to her.” Sam whispered, but Trish bounced back into the kitchen. “I’ll be right there. Go on in and sit down.”

  “This is for you.” Sam handed a glass of white wine to the girl on the couch and sat in the recliner on the opposite side. She needed to keep calm, confident, and ready to chat even though her insides were falling apart. “What is Jo short for?”

  “Joanne.” She gulped her wine. Her blue eyes were nowhere near as deep as Jo’s. “You looked surprised when you heard my name was Jo. Do you know anyone else called Joanne?”

  Sam sipped the sweet wine that tasted more like juice than the dry chardonnay she was used to. “No. The only Jo I know is Josephine.”

  “Who’s that?” Trish plunked onto the couch. “You never told me about a Josephine.”

  “No, I didn’t.” Sam played with the stem on her wineglass, struggling to keep it steady.

  “Josephine sounds French,” Trish said. “Did you meet her up north?”

  “Tell me about yourself, Joanne. What do you do with your life?”

  “I’m a university student, a third-year undergrad in political science. I’m thinking about law school after that.” She flicked a curl off her face.

  “I see,” Sam said, cutting in just as Trish opened her mouth. “How long have the two of you been dating?”

  “I don’t know if I’d consider us dating,” Joanne said, her cheeks reddening. “It’s more like we’re getting to know each other.”

  “How long have you been getting to know each other then?” They were so young.

  “Sam, it sounds like you’re cross-examining her.” Trish straightened and took a swig of her wine. “This is our living room, for fuck’s sake. Not a courtroom.”

  “She’s a lawyer?” Joanne’s eyes widened.

  “You’re right, Trish,” Sam said. “It’s none of my business and I don’t care anyway.”

  “What’s going on with you?” Trish leaned forward, her long brown hair hanging in front of her face. “Ever since you got back from up north, it’s like there’s nothing else in your life but work. What happened to you up there?”

  Sam stood. She’d had enough. “It’s time for bed. Nice meeting you, Joanne.”

  “It’s Jo.” Trish put a hand on the young woman’s leg. “Get used to it, because I’m confident Jo’s going to be around for a while.”

  “No, she won’t.” Sam headed to the hallway. “Not here, anyway, because you’ll be moved out soon.”

  Sam retrieved her phone and dialed Jo as soon as she shut her bedroom door. Her heart pounded as she counted the rings. One, two, three, then silence. She expected it to go to voice mail, but heard breathing instead.

  “Jo, are you there? Please say something.”

  “There’s nothing to say.” Jo’s voice shook. “I should just hang up.”

  “Please don’t. I want to fix things.”

  “There’s nothing to fix.”

  Sam wanted to keep the conversation going, listen to Jo’s voice all night long if she could. “Can we just talk then?”

  “About what?”

  “How’s Mollie?” Sam sat on the edge of her bed, clutching the blankets with her free hand while trying to hang on to whatever conversation they had.

  “She’s fine.”

  “That’s good. Is it still cold up there?”

  “Yes, fre
ezing.” Her tone was softening. “And we got more snow, too.”

  “I really enjoyed snowmobiling with you. Have you been out again, making tracks in the fresh snow?”

  “No.” There was a long silence.

  “Are you still there?”

  “Sorry. I have a cold and had to blow my nose.”

  “I wish I was closer to make you some chicken noodle—I mean, vegetable soup.”

  “I imagine you’ve been eating lots of meat to catch up from being deprived at my place.”

  “I feel more deprived here. I’d give up meat for you anytime. I—”

  “My battery’s running low.” Jo cut her off. “I should go.”

  “Plug it in. Please?” Sam leaned forward, wishing she could reach out and touch her. “I’m lonely and want to keep talking.”

  “Are you at home by yourself?”

  “Sort of.”

  “At home or by yourself?”

  “Both.” Sam flopped back on her bed, so relieved she’d tried calling tonight. “I’m at home, locked in my room.”

  “Who else is there?”

  “Trish and…”

  “I should have figured.” Jo ended the call.

  “No.” Sam redialed Jo’s number and reached voice mail. “Please call me back, Jo. Please.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Jo sat on the floor, hunched over Mollie and ignoring her flashing phone. Why had she answered in the first place? She was curious, of course, and wanted to hear Sam’s voice on this lonely Saturday night. Their conversation was promising until Sam mentioned her ex being there. Jo lost it and hung up, cutting off Sam before she’d had a chance to explain.

  Thirty minutes later, she reached for her cell and dared to dial voice mail. Half expecting to hear a cocky Sam, Jo was astonished to hear her crying, words barely audible. The sobs sounded sincere, as though just maybe there was some truth to them. What if Sam really did love her? Was in an uncomfortable living situation with Trish, like she had with Jan?