Perfection

by Gianni Holmes

  “Uh, that was amazing,” he said when I wiped him down and helped him to his feet.

  “You’re amazing,” I said, and his eyes opened from the half-mast state they had been in. A serious look overcame his features.

  “You mean that?”

  “I mean that,” I said with equal sincerity.

  “But I’m far from perfect.”

  “Where did you get the idea that you had to be perfect?” When he didn’t respond, I chucked his chin upward. “Ash, I just want you to be you.”

  “But I’m a mess.”

  “No, you’re not a mess. You have challenges, and to have those is to be human. We’re working on it, right?”

  For a minute he looked doubtful, but then his eyes met mine, and I willed him to believe that everything would be fine.

  He slowly smiled and nodded. “We should get back to your friends before they figure out what we’ve been doing.”

  Chapter Ten

  Ashton

  “All the kids are bunkered down for the night,” Noelle announced as she walked out to the patio, where the rest of us sat.

  Almost half an hour ago, she’d disappeared with one of the two mothers who had agreed to let her kids sleep over to settle down the kids for bedtime.

  The day had been crazy good. I was pooped from playing with the kids. I’d found them better company than the adults. Not that they were rude or anything, but they stared, and every so often, I caught someone watching me.

  I could’ve asked Callum to leave with me at any time, and he would have, but he looked relaxed, and he had fun with his godchildren. He was at ease in a way I rarely ever saw him, laughing without abandon, and I quite enjoyed seeing this side of him.

  “It’s your turn to tell them the bedtime story you promised, Phil.” Noelle hugged her husband from behind, her eyes tired. She’d done a lot today for her little girl to have the best birthday party.

  When I turned six, my parents had thrown me an elaborate birthday party. They hadn’t been there, though. The mountain of gifts they’d left behind was supposed to fill in the gap for them but never did. I hated those stupid formal parties where they invited equally stuffy boys from the wealthy families in Battersea.

  Phil groaned and hit Callum at the back of the head. “Come on, dude. You know you do the sound effects better than me.”

  I sat up from my position beside Callum. Apart from Phil, Noelle, and me, the two guys from earlier remained with us and the two women I assumed were their wives.

  I’d have been pissed if Callum treated me the way they treated their wives. They completely dismissed the women as if they lived separate lives. Other than that time Callum went upstairs to set up the castle for Kaylee, I’d been glued to his side.

  That had earned me side-eyes from the guys as well, but as long as they said nothing, I didn’t give a damn. Phil and his wife were sweethearts, the other women too, and if I came out of this making at least one friend, then I’d consider this night a success.

  “You coming?” Callum leaned toward me and whispered in my ear. “Or you’re fine to hang out here with them?”

  I wanted to tag along with him, but maybe I was too dependent and clingy these days. I could handle fifteen minutes without him, right?

  “Will you be gone long?” I whispered back.

  “Nah, they usually check out before the story is even finished.”

  I chuckled and kissed his chin. “All right. I’ll stay out here, but don’t leave me with them for long.”

  “Cool.”

  He ruffled my hair and trailed his finger down the side of my face, then went after Phil. I glanced up to find one of the guys looking back at me with a smirk on his face. I couldn’t figure out his deal at all.

  “Whew, this was some day, huh?” Noelle flopped into a chair and sighed.

  “It was great.”

  I focused my attention in her direction. She was like the little ray of sunshine you wanted to keep in your pocket. I legit liked her so much, and her kids were great too. I’d snuck in some game time earlier with her boys. I’d watched Callum play with them too, and it made me look at him in a different way.

  Did he want kids someday? I did, but I didn’t see myself becoming a fit parent anytime soon. To take care of a human being, provide for them, raise them, was a huge responsibility. I didn’t want to fail any future kids like my parents had done with me.

  Everyone would’ve thought the first kid was the experimental one. The second provided an opportunity to get things right that went all wrong with the first. This couldn’t have been further from the truth than in my case.

  “I don’t know how you manage three kids all the time, Noelle,” one of the ladies, Susana—maybe—said. “Justine is enough to give me a headache most days.”

  “No shit, and Phil wanted more kids.” She got to her feet. “Sue-Ann, help me bring out some drinks from the kitchen, will you? The kids had their fun, and now it’s our time.”

  I scratched the back of my neck, my skin prickling at the word drinks. She didn’t mean anything alcoholic, right? With the kids around all day, we’d only had soft drinks, and I never thought this was a possibility.

  I should find Callum and leave, but it was just a drink. I could handle being around people drinking.

  Noelle and her friend came out laughing with bottles of wine in the buckets they each carried. Sweat rolled down my back, my shirt sticking to my clammy skin. My stomach tightened in excitement, and my mouth watered with a need that carved a hole out in my belly.

  It’s been so long.

  The chatter went over my head. My eyes followed the glasses. The popping sound when they uncorked the wine was music to my ears. Everyone was so relaxed. Just down for a good time after a long day. Nothing was wrong with the picture, except I wasn’t supposed to be around alcohol.

  I wasn’t strong enough yet.

  “Here you go, Ashton.”

  Noelle thrust a glass into my hand. Didn’t she know alcohol was my kryptonite? Could Phil really not have told her? I was certain, given the newspaper with that article, that everyone in Battersea and their mother knew that Ashton Keyes, heir to the billion-dollar Keyes fortune, was a drunkard.

  Among other things.

  “Here’s to a day well spent!”

  Everyone cheered at Noelle’s words and tipped back the glass. A drop of sweat trickled into my eye, stinging like a bitch.

  “Something wrong?”

  It was the smirker who addressed me. He took the seat Callum had vacated while the others chatted around us, oblivious. Before I could answer, his friend sat on the arm of the chair on my other side. I was caged in and nervous as hell.

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “You’re not drinking.”

  “I shouldn’t be drinking.” I looked for a place to put my glass before temptation really got the better of me and I ruined everything I was working so hard to build.

  “What? You not old enough? I didn’t think Phil’s friend would fuck someone underage?”

  “I’m legal.” I frowned at him.

  “I must say I’m surprised,” he continued. “I got the impression Ashton Keyes was a party boy, more often drunk than not, more often on his knees or back than not.” His voice had lowered considerably.

  “What the fuck do you mean?” I was irritated at the knowing look on his face. I was pretty sure he and his friend were fucking with me to have their fun at my expense.

  “It’s just a glass, Ashton Keyes.” I didn’t like the way he said my name or raised my hand with the glass. “If you’re not really the drunk people say you are, you’ll be able to stop at one glass. What’s the harm in that if you know when to stop?”

  “I don’t need to prove anything to you.” I jumped to my feet and mumbled an apology when I startled the women. I bolted for the door back inside the house, running into Callum, who walked beside Phil, chuckling softly.

  “Ash?” His face morphed into a frown when he saw me. “W
hat the hell’s that in your hand?”

  “Shh, the kids are sleeping,” Phil shushed him, but like Callum, he stared at the drink I didn’t even realize I still clutched.

  “Take it away, please.” I thrust it at Callum, getting some of the liquid on his good shirt. My hands shook, and my stomach churned bile into my mouth. If I didn’t get out and into some fresh air right now, I was going to hurl.

  “I’m sorry. I think we should go.”

  “Ashton!”

  I didn’t wait to find out if he was following me. I ran out of that house like the hounds of hell were after me. I raced down the steps and along the driveway, my legs pounding on the concrete.

  “Ashton, wait!”

  I couldn’t wait. Couldn’t afford for my demons to catch up with me. I wanted that drink. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to turn to Callum and suck the liquid from his shirt.

  I wanted that first bitter drop to hit my tongue and to savor the expensive taste. To have that liquid burning down the back of my throat, warming my belly and spreading the cocktail through my blood.

  I craved the out-of-body experience of no longer being Ashton, who was responsible for killing his father and brother. Ashton, who could never please his mother. Never meet their expectations. Never fill his brother’s shoes.

  Strong arms wrapped around me, jerking me to a stop. I fought like hell, clawing at the hands that restrained me. I had to get away. I had no idea what I was running toward, but the unknown was less scary than what I was running from.

  “Baby, shh.” Callum’s arms tightened around me. “It’s fine. You’re fine.”

  “No, no, no.” I pried at his arms, which kept me restrained. “It’s never going to be fine. It won’t. Ever.”

  “I promise it’ll get better.” He kissed my temple, my hair. “You did good, baby. Daddy’s so proud of you saying no to that drink.”

  He was proud of me? Didn’t he know that I just ran several blocks just to get away from one glass? It wasn’t fine. I wasn’t good. I was so pathetic I’d just run out of a simple gathering with exposure to moderate liquor because I couldn’t handle it.

  Pathetic.

  Weak.

  “You’re not pathetic and weak.” I gasped at Callum’s arms tightening around me. “You are strong and brave for what you just did.”

  “I’m not.” A pitiful sob tore from my throat, and once it was out, I couldn’t hold back. “Oh god, I’m not okay. I am not okay. I’m not okay.”

  Another sob racked my chest. My legs gave out, and I went down, bringing Callum with me. He steadied us both before we could hit the streets, holding on to me tightly. His weight was the only thing that supported me, or I would be sprawled out on the ground, bawling my eyes out.

  “I swear you did good, baby.” He whispered into my ear over and over. Kisses landed in my hair, the side of my face, my temple, my brow. “I’m so proud to be your Daddy right now. So proud of you being my boy. You were strong, and you didn’t give in.”

  My laugh was an ugly sound that tainted the night. “I ran because I wanted to drink it,” I admitted, the sobbing halted for now, but tears coursed down my cheeks. “I wanted that drink so badly, Callum.”

  I spun around and buried my face into his shirt, the scent of the liquor enticing me. I moaned, licking at the material.

  “Ashton.”

  What the fuck was I doing?

  I jerked away from him, stepping back. “Stay away from me.”

  “I just want to comfort you, baby boy.”

  I whimpered, wanting the comfort his arms brought but so scared that I’d maul him just to get a whiff of his shirt. What kind of demented fuck was I?

  “Your shirt.” I shook my head at him, an arm up to shield him away from me. “It’s on your shirt.”

  “Shit.”

  At least he seemed to understand and made no attempt to touch me again.

  “I can’t bear not to touch you when you’re hurting.” He reached for the buttons of his shirt, and right there on the street with cars passing by, he took off the shirt. He wore an undershirt, but it was sheer, and in seconds the cool night air had his nipples forming pebbles.

  Callum marched over to the nearest mailbox for the house we were standing in front of and stuffed the shirt inside. I stared at him as if he was mad, sobering up a little at how stupid I was acting right now.

  “Callum, you don’t have to do that.” I rubbed at my arms. “Put your shirt back on.”

  “No.” He came over to me and placed his arms on my shoulders. “You’ve been doing great, Ash, and I don’t want you relapsing because of me.”

  He hugged me, and I didn’t bother to tell him some of the liquor must’ve soaked through his shirt. He still smelled faintly of it, whereas his shirt had reeked of it.

  “Let’s get to the car and back home.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Callum

  Ashton’s sniffling all through the ride home tugged at my heart. Attempts to pry what had happened out of Ashton proved futile, so I left him be, but his frenetic energy had dropped to levels that worried me. He barely responded as I helped him out of the car and up the stairs. He rested against the wall, staring down at his feet while I unlocked the door.

  This was all my fault. I shouldn’t have left him alone as long as I did. Ashton had sat in the car for a few minutes while I went back to Phil’s house to inquire about what had happened.

  “I don’t know what happened,” Noelle said. “We were all drinking, and then he just freaked out.”

  “Shit, Phil, didn’t you tell her?”

  Phil shook his head. “No, I didn’t. I figured I was in your business enough as it was. Didn’t want it to get around, you know.”

  “What am I missing?” she asked, glancing from me to Phil. “It was just one glass. Hardly anything to freak out about unless…” She covered her mouth with her hands as she stared at me in horror. “Callum? Not again.”

  I’d hastened out of the house before she could give me the third degree too. Her husband already did the whole nine yards, and that was enough.

  Once inside the apartment, he went straight to the bedroom, fell on the bed, and pulled the pillows over his head. With a sigh, I locked up, changed, and joined him. I reached for his shoes and took them off for him. They left smudges on my sheet, and I stared from them to Ashton’s still frame on the bed.

  How to get through to him? Everything I tried with Mario had failed miserably. Why the hell did I think I was good enough to help him anyway when the one boy who’d been in my care was now in hospice care and barely recognizable?

  I sat beside Ashton in bed with my back against the headboard. Before I could say anything to him, beg him to talk to me, let me know what was going on in his head, he scooted over to rest his head in my lap. Some of my tension eased that at least he wasn’t pushing me away.

  “How are you feeling now?” I stroked a hand through his hair the way he liked. He arched into my touch.

  “I’m disgusted.”

  I heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry I left you alone.”

  He snorted. “You were just inside the house. If I can’t handle fifteen minutes away from you without freaking out when someone’s pressuring me to take a drink, how the hell am I going to get over this thing?”

  All the tension returned full force. “Someone tried to pressure you into drinking?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does to me.”

  He shook his head. “It really doesn’t. He’ll be the first of many who will make fun of me for turning down a drink because I’m too afraid that I may not be able to stop.”

  “When I take you into a hostile environment, it matters to me.”

  “I’m less worried about him.” He scrambled up to sit in my lap, arms around my neck and his head under my chin. “I’m more worried about me. I wanted that drink so badly.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “Don’t you see, Callum? I’m weak. I had to
get out of there before I caved in.”

  Hands on either side of his face, I raised his head. “Now listen to me, Ashton. You recognized your limit, and you did what you had to stay sober. That’s success, if you ask me.”

  “Then why don’t I feel good about it?” His eyes filled with hardness. “I thought I was supposed to feel better. To feel good about myself. I don’t feel good about myself at all, Callum. I still feel like a worthless piece of shit.”

  I covered his mouth with my hand, blotting out the ugly words. God, it hurt hearing him speak about himself this way. It scared me. If he didn’t think he was worth it, what hope did I have that he’d do better?

  “You will not talk about yourself that way, do you hear me?”

  Tears welled in his eyes. “Not even if it’s true?”

  “You can’t trust yourself right now, Ash.”

  “Then who do I trust?”

  “Me.” I traced his lips with the pad of my thumb. “You do trust me, don’t you?”

  “You’re the only one I do.”

  “Then trust me when I tell you that you did a good job tonight. In fact, Daddy wants to give his boy a treat for how good he’s been. Going to your meetings. Saying no tonight. Those are great steps many never take, and I am proud of you.”

  His face softened, and some of the panicky look left his face. “What kind of treat?”

  “You choose.”

  “Hmm.”

  He licked his lips, and I was convinced it would be something sex related.

  “Can you spank me again with the spatula?”

  I couldn’t say I was surprised. I leaned forward and kissed his lips, partly in apology for slapping him.

  “One spatula coming up.”

  I untangled myself from him and grabbed the spatula from the closet where it now remained. When I returned to the bed, Ashton lay facedown, his jeans and boxers down his thighs.