Perfection

by Gianni Holmes

  “Go, Ash. Be better for you.”

  He gave me a smile I thought was sad at first, but on second thought, it really was full of hope.

  “Thank you, Daddy.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ashton

  The decision to leave Callum was one of the toughest I’d ever made in my life. I wasn’t convinced it was the best thing to do for me. I still needed him like the air I breathed, but I needed to hurt him less.

  So I left without having a real plan of what to do and where to go after.

  The door closed to his apartment I’d come to cherish for all we’d shared within the four walls. I panicked, almost returning inside and begging him to take me back. He would without a second thought, and perhaps that was what prevented me from ruining his life more than I already had up to this point.

  I rested my forehead against the door and cried. How could I do this without him?

  But you aren’t doing so great with him either.

  That was true. I was still just as fucked-up as the night I’d first met him. Maybe even more so now, given I now had one more sin to add to my list. I was an abuser. I’d punched my partner in the heat of an argument.

  It hadn’t been intentional, but that didn’t excuse the horror of what I’d done. I was spiraling out of control, and I needed help. Professional help.

  “Master Ashton, are you ready to go?”

  I couldn’t answer Rue. How could I ever be ready to walk away from the one man who’d ever really cared a shit about me? How could I reject the love, patience, and care he offered me?

  My knees buckled, and I would’ve hit the ground if Rue’s arms hadn’t come around me.

  “It’s going to be fine, sir.”

  But I was terrified that it wouldn’t. What if I never got better? What if the process took too long and Callum fell in love with someone who deserved him?

  With Rue’s arm around my waist, I managed to make it down the stairs and to the car. My mother had shunned me, so he wasn’t here on her behalf. He wasn’t here because she hired him to drive me around as Rue always claimed. I was no longer a part of his job description, and yet he’d come when I called.

  “Did you have things you wanted me to collect, sir?”

  From the back seat of the car, I burrowed into myself, not bothering with the seat belt. I had a lot of clothes at Callum’s. My laptop was there too. Practically everything I used on a daily basis, but I didn’t want them back. I didn’t want to rid Callum’s life completely of me. I wanted him to remember that for a time, brief as it was, there was a boy named Ashton who loved him too much to stay.

  “No, leave it all.”

  Rue didn’t question my decision. He rarely ever did. Beyond looking out for my best interests, he was sympathetic and helped me the way he could.

  “Where to, sir?” he asked me after we’d been driving for a while. “Your parents’ home?”

  “No. Anywhere but home. I don’t care where.”

  My wounds were still too fresh to have my mother pour salt into them. She only knew how to make the situation worse and not better. She would rejoice at my breakup.

  I hadn’t slept any at all tonight. I’d lain in the empty bed, reliving the horrors of the night. Of how quickly I’d spiraled out of control and attacked Callum. The reason forced me to revisit that night Dad and Jake lost their lives. Because of me.

  It should’ve been me instead. The world had more use for a man of Jake’s caliber than my wasteful existence.

  Along the way, I fell asleep. I had no sense of place nor time when Rue roused me. I had no interest really besides going back to sleep and blocking out the world.

  I vaguely registered him helping me inside some kind of a house. When I encountered a couch that looked comfortable enough for me to sleep, I headed in that direction, but Rue grasped my arm.

  “You can use the guest room.”

  “Okay.”

  I stumbled beside Rue, but before we could get to this guest room, someone stepped in front of us. I raised my head to find a tall attractive black guy wearing nothing but a pair of shorts before me.

  “Rueben, what’s going on?”

  “He needs somewhere to stay for the night,” Rue replied.

  “Who’s that?” I asked Rue, not really interested in the answer.

  “Couldn’t you have taken him somewhere else?” the man asked, scowling at me.

  Rue shook his head. “Not now, Jos. We’ll talk later.”

  The man mumbled something I didn’t hear, especially with Rue pushing me ahead. He opened a door and gently shoved me inside.

  “You can stay here for the night. Get into bed and try to sleep.”

  “Who’s he?”

  “We’ll talk in the morning. The bathroom is down the hall to the left if you need to use it.”

  He left, and I was alone again. I didn’t even bother to undress. I kicked off my shoes, climbed onto the bed, and tucked the pillows under my head. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t get comfortable, twisting and turning until I eventually fell into a deep sleep.

  The next time I woke up, bright sunshine filtered into the room. I was disoriented by the unfamiliar bedroom. Then I remembered what had happened with Callum and Rue bringing me here. An ache rested in my heart, and I swallowed the lump lodged in my throat.

  I had to get up. Had to do something. I couldn’t just lie here and stare up at the ceiling. I’d promised Callum that I’d earn the right to have his love.

  But where to begin?

  I stayed put until my bladder had enough. Then it was either venture out to find the bathroom or pee the bed. As a guest in what I assumed was Rue’s home, I didn’t expect him to appreciate that.

  Vaguely I remembered Rue giving me directions to the bathroom. I couldn’t recall exactly what he’d said, though, so I wandered the hall and knocked at the first door to the left. The door opened, and I found myself staring at the man I’d encountered when Rue brought me in.

  He still glared at me with open hostility. Did I know him? It was rare I found such a hateful stare when I didn’t know someone.

  “Rue’s sleeping because someone pulled him out of bed at the ass crack of dawn,” he said, arms crossing over his chest. “What do you want?”

  “I’m just looking for the bathroom.”

  “It’s the other door.”

  With a firm thud, the bedroom door closed in my face. I got his point loud and clear. Rue’s roommate didn’t want me around. I could fix that problem. Just needed to use the bathroom and call myself a cab.

  I had no toothbrush, so I made do with mouthwash, then returned to the guest room. I tried making the bed, but I sucked at it. Callum used to tease me about my pathetic attempts before he did it all over again. He’d given up on me getting it right.

  Was he at this moment giving up on me getting better too?

  I spent almost half an hour on the bed, and it still didn’t look right, but it was the best I could do. With a sigh, I grabbed my phone and wallet.

  “After all he’s done for you, and you’re about to sneak out on him like this?”

  I jumped at the sharp, disgusted voice, my hand on the knob of the front door. I looked over my shoulder at the man who hated me for some unknown reason.

  Who the hell is he?

  “I’m making things easier.”

  “For whom? You or him?”

  I fully turned toward him now, annoyed at his insinuations that I didn’t care about Rue.

  “Look, asshole, I don’t know what you have against me, but you don’t know shit about me.”

  “Don’t I?” He folded his arms across his chest. “I know enough. I know he crawls out of my bed every single time you get yourself into something stupid and need rescuing. I thought we were done fighting about you when you started dating that coffee shop guy.”

  I blanched, speechless at his words. Did he just intimate that he and Rue were together? That wasn’t possible. At one point, I’d ev
en thought Rue was secretly into my mother.

  “Look at you, completely clueless about what’s happening with everyone else because the world revolves around you.”

  “Jos, that’s enough.”

  Rue glared at his…boyfriend/roommate? I still wasn’t convinced Rue was sleeping with this guy. I didn’t even know Rue was gay. This had to be a recent development.

  “I’m just telling him things you’ve been too sweet to tell him, baby.”

  Baby? So boyfriend, then.

  “Still not your place, and we’ve talked about this before.” Rue walked up to his guy, and they kissed. They shared an honest-to-goodness hot kiss that probably would’ve gone interesting places if I hadn’t been there.

  Once again, I was ruining somebody’s experience.

  “Jos, go. Let me talk to him.”

  “Cool, but come back to bed when you’re done. You have the day off, and we got interrupted this morning.”

  At 3:00 a.m., they were busy doing it? From the redness of Rue’s face, his guy wasn’t just trying to make me feel guilty. I had interrupted his time with his Jos.

  “Sorry about anything offensive my husband might’ve said. He’s—”

  “Husband?” I squeaked out. “You’re married? But you don’t wear a ring.”

  “Not everyone wears a ring.”

  “How long ago was this? A few months?” And he didn’t even invite me to the wedding?

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  Only it totally did.

  “Tell me how long.”

  “Josiah and I have been married for eight years.”

  I gave a short laugh, convinced he was fucking with me, but he looked serious. Rue was married to a guy for eight years, and I never knew?

  “Oh my god.” I leaned back against the door to hold up my weight as unease churned inside my stomach. What kind of selfish prick was I? After all Rue had done for me, and I didn’t even know he was married?

  “All these years…” I shook my head at him. “I swear I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay. I work for your family. No reason you need to know my personal history of who I’ve dated.”

  “But he’s your husband. You’d think I would at least know that. You’ve been more than just my driver, and I’ve not even considered you had a relationship all this time.”

  “It really is okay, Ashton. I didn’t expect anything from you.”

  I groaned and swiped my palm over my face. “Don’t you get it? That’s the problem. No one expects anything from me. It’s like everyone already accepts that I’ll be a useless son, a failing college student, and a shitty friend. No wonder your husband fucking hates me.”

  “He doesn’t hate you.”

  “I really do, though,” his husband called out “You’re self-centered and—”

  “Jos, I swear if you don’t stop intervening!”

  “Sorry.”

  Only he didn’t sound sorry at all.

  “He’s right,” I agreed. “I’m self-centered. That’s why I left Callum.”

  Rue frowned at me. “You left him? But he was the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  I scoffed and glanced down at my feet. “But I was the worst thing that’s ever happened to him.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  “I was abusive, Rue.” Tears welled up in my eyes at the memory of Callum’s swollen nose. “I hit him.”

  “He’s a big man. I’m sure he can handle himself against you.”

  I shook my head at him, for the first time unable to trust his words. “No, that’s not the right attitude to have. It doesn’t matter if he’s bigger. I had no right to put my hands on him in such a violent way. I had to leave.”

  “And what are you going to do now?”

  “I wish I knew. I want to get better for him.”

  “You’re still doing it for the wrong person, Master Ashton.”

  “I know, but I can’t help it right now. I’m afraid I don’t care enough to do it for me, but I love him so much.”

  “Are you going back to your mother’s?”

  “God, no. She’d only drive me straight back to the bottle. I’ll stay at my brother’s place for now, then decide what to do after.”

  “You sure that’s wise?” His face rested in a frown of concern.

  “What else am I supposed to do? It’s time for me to face the demons, Rue, and to stop running.”

  “Well, let me take you there.”

  “No, you should enjoy your free day with your husband.”

  Rue rolled his eyes. “Seriously, don’t listen to a word Jos says.”

  “I can’t blame him. It’s clear he loves you. He’s only upset on your behalf. I hope your life will settle down now that you don’t have to keep rescuing me.”

  “It’s been my pleasure being there for you when you needed me. Now I insist. Stay right here and let me get dressed. I’ll take you to your brother’s.”

  I waited by the door while Rue went to his bedroom. After a minute, Jos returned.

  “This time when you leave, try to stay away from my husband,” he said softly. “It’s about time he starts getting some decent sleep without your interruptions.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Callum

  “Did you take a break?”

  I shrugged off the hand Phil placed on my arm and pretended I didn’t see the look of concern on his face. All week he’d been like a mother hen pecking at me about one thing or another.

  I didn’t look well rested. I wasn’t eating enough. Had I lost weight? The last one just made me roll my eyes. Seriously, Ash had left me only a week ago. How much weight could I have lost in that time?

  Not that I agreed I’d lost weight. I looked the same whenever I bothered to stare at my reflection in the mirror. These days I tried avoiding my image after seeing the hollowness in my eyes, the frowning pinch of the flesh between my brows.

  I missed Ashton something terrible. I always suspected I would but never like this. We hadn’t even been going out for long. Under two fucking months and I was a complete wreck. Thank god he had the common sense to walk out on us when he did, or I wouldn’t have. It had taken me over a year to be this knotted up about Mario.

  “Place still has customers,” I mumbled to Phil, moving forward to greet our next customer. It got my friend off my case for a few minutes while I distracted myself with work.

  Work was all I did before Ashton had come along. I was used to it. Getting up at dawn to ready the coffee shop and then checking out at night when we closed up. It never bothered me before, but now it did.

  There was no more Ashton to distract me by walking into the coffee shop when I was working. Giggling and scrolling through his phone while he waited for me to take a break so we could head upstairs to fool around.

  Damn. I missed the way he wrapped his legs around my waist when we made love. The way he curled his arms around my neck and clung to me…his cries when I fucked him so hard and deep I was convinced I was embedded inside him forever.

  Fuck. My hands shook, and I spilled the cup of coffee on the countertop. I apologized to the customer and did a quick refill, then handed over the cup. She frowned at me, paid, and hurried away.

  “Brayden’s here,” Phil announced, and I glanced up. The high school senior waved at us as he took the side door with the Employees Only sign.

  “I don’t want to hear a word from you right now, Callum. You look like shit. You haven’t shaved, you move around like a zombie, and that’s like the fifth fucking cup of coffee you’ve wasted. Do I have to remind you how expensive this shit is?”

  “I’ll pay for them,” I said.

  “It’s not about paying for the coffee, you ass. I need you to focus and forget about him.”

  My head snapped around, and I glared at Phil. “Don’t mention him.”

  “How can I not? It’s like you’re thinking about him every single minute.”

  “I’m taking a break.”r />
  I didn’t have time to listen to his bullshit. Fuck, didn’t he know how hard things were for me right now? He should. If Noelle left him, he’d lose his damn mind. I was still sane with Ashton gone, wasn’t I?

  I still hauled my ass out of bed every day, even though I was exhausted from the lack of sleep. Ashton’s side of the bed had gone cold. BA—Before Ashton—I could easily sleep on either side of my bed, but I couldn’t bring myself to occupy his side.

  I grabbed a fruit cup on my way to the office to take my fifteen-minute break. Intent on spending every minute of that time going over a spreadsheet I had been working on, I ended up sitting at my desk, smiling sadly at the memory of Ashton teasing me about my office view.

  What I wouldn’t give for him to be back here, scrunching up his face at my dumpster view. I groaned, scrubbing the scruff on my chin at the memory of Ashton sprawled over my desk, his lips wrapped around my cock, the apprehensive look in his eyes turning to pleasure.

  “Fuck.”

  I was fucked. I should be relieved he was gone. My life could return to normal. There was no need to worry about caring for an alcoholic. I didn’t have to deal with the lies anymore. His disappearing act.

  It should’ve been easier, considering this was the right thing for both of us, but my heart ached anyway.

  Untouched, the fruit cup mocked me, but I couldn’t work up an appetite for eating anything, really. Instead, I placed my head on my arms on the desk and waited for some of the intensity of the moment to leave. If I kept this up, I’d need to call my therapist, who I hadn’t spoken to since moving to Battersea.

  She’d supported my move from New York to be around people who cared about me. She’d thought the different environment would do well for me to heal, but she’d disagreed with me for taking Mario along with me. He was a part of my baggage that once I had him around, I’d never be free from.

  I agreed with her, but still, I couldn’t leave him behind. Under normal circumstances, I would, but he had no one else who gave a damn if he ate or survived.

  “Callum.”