Perfection

by Gianni Holmes

  “What? I know I didn’t overstay my lunch.”

  “It’s. Look.”

  He pointed to a corner, and I followed his direction. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of Ashton sitting next to the wall. He sucked on the straw of one of the fancy coffees, tapping away on his laptop, which was covered in stickers I’d never seen before.

  He looked damn good. He felt like air for this drowning man. The urge to go over to him was so strong that I had to tear my eyes away from him.

  Shit. He was here.

  “Phil, can you make Dane a cup to go, please.”

  Before either could respond, I bolted to the back room. I scrubbed my hands like a germaphobe. My skin tingled when I finished. I clutched the sides of the basin and inhaled deeply, reminding myself that I was in control here. I had a say in what happened to us at this point, and I could always walk away.

  Bullshit.

  Just seeing him was enough to reduce me to this mess. Was this going to be a repeat of Mario, or could we take the rubbles of our previous attempt at a relationship and build ourselves a shrine for our love?

  “You okay?” Phil quietly entered the room, his voice full of concern.

  “I’m fine. Has he been here long?”

  “Came in a few minutes after you left for lunch. I didn’t know if I should ask him to leave. Do you want me to escort him out?”

  I patted Phil’s arm. “Thanks for having my back, man, but I think I got this.”

  “If you need me…”

  I nodded, then went out to see Ash but stopped short. Dane was still there.

  “You fine, man?” he asked.

  The support of both men meant a lot to me. I’d found this in Battersea—friendship where it had been fleeting in New York. None of my so-called friends there wanted anything to do with me after my life crashed and burned with Mario.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Got your coffee?”

  “Yes, and Phil makes it better. If he wasn’t married…”

  I chuckled. “Catch you next week Tuesday.”

  Our regular day when we went out for lunch. I wouldn’t give that up even though Ash was back.

  He glanced over to where my…ex?…boyfriend?…still sat, pretending he wasn’t watching us. I saw the cursory glances being thrown our way. Ash was never good at being subtle. “We can skip a week, you know, or something.”

  “Don’t be a chicken. We’re going, and you’re asking the cute food truck owner out.”

  He just shook his head. “Call me if you need to talk.”

  I walked over to Ashton’s table and took the seat across from him. He immediately shut down his laptop and picked up his coffee, but he didn’t drink it. Just wrapped his hands around the cup.

  “You look great.”

  Not exactly the first words I wanted to tell him, but they came out anyway. They were true. His cheeks were full of color although that could be a result of the nature of this meeting. Was he as keyed up as me about what would happen now?

  He smiled, and it seemed different. I tried to pin down what changed, but it eluded me. I couldn’t stop looking at him.

  “Thanks, I feel…better.” For six weeks I’d listened to that voice speaking to Mario, discussing his recovery process.

  “That’s good.”

  “Except I can’t let feelings dictate my life,” he said, biting into his bottom lip. “Callum, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

  “It’s okay, you don’t owe me an apology, Ash.”

  “I’m not sure that’s true. I owe you more than an apology, but I’ve had legal matters to take care of with my case since I’ve been back.”

  Like I said, he didn’t owe me anything. He didn’t even have to come and see me if he didn’t want. But I was damn glad he came.

  “How’s the case coming?”

  He grimaced, his shoulders drooping a bit. “I’m not really looking forward to it. I even thought about just letting it go, you know, but what he did was hurtful, and I honestly don’t think he’ll stop until I get the law involved.”

  Just like old times, I reached across the table for his hand to comfort him, but I stopped short. Before I could retreat, he covered the distance and placed his hand over mine.

  “Jeanine says it’s okay to be scared sometimes, and it’s okay to ask for help and support.”

  “Jeanine sounds like a wise woman.”

  He flashed me a grin. “She sure is. She’s my therapist.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Yes, she’s been really good for me.” He stroked the back of my hand, and just like that I fell right back under his spell. “I know I don’t deserve to ask anything of you, but I could sure use your support at the upcoming trial. The judge granted our request for a speedy trial.”

  “Is that good?” I frowned at him, worried that all the stress of the trial would be too hard for him.

  “Yes, I don’t want this to drag out. I just want to forget it.”

  “It won’t be so easy to forget.”

  I knew him. He was the guy who still carried stuff around from his childhood. Even when the case was tried and hopefully that scumbag was put away, it would more than likely bother him.

  “I’ll have to try.” His eyes had fallen to the table, but now he glanced up at me, a determined look in his eyes. “It’s not my fault what happened.”

  “You’re right, it’s not.”

  The door to the café opened, and I glanced up at the group of people that entered. As much as I wanted to stay there and talk to Ash, to find out where we stood, right here right now wasn’t the right time. Maybe not until after his trial. He needed to focus on that.

  “I have to go help out at the counter,” I said, getting to my feet reluctantly. “But it was good seeing you. I mean it, you look good. Healthy.”

  “Callum.” His soft call stopped me in my tracks before I move off.

  “Yes?”

  “Can we talk?”

  “Ash—”

  “I just want to make things right between us. Please, Callum.”

  I glanced over at the counter where Phil was trying his best to cope alone. This was the reason I had moved to Battersea. To work this café. Then came Ashton to distract me away from all that.

  This uncertainty when it came to him drove me nuts. I was used to being in control, and then came Mario to test that. I gave up the idea of ever being in control of anyone again then Ashton waltzed right into my life, giving me a taste of what it used to be like. Of what it could be like. Before he took it away.

  “I need to get to back to work,” I said firmly, not about to be swayed by him anymore. Not like before. “If you want to talk, you’ll have to meet me when I close shop.”

  I walked away from him but not before my heart did a somersault in my chest at the grin he gave me. I finally knew what was different about his grin. His eyes. They smiled right along. The haunted look in his eyes was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Ashton

  Café Crave closed at ten on the dot. Callum was a stickler for time even when it had to do with business and making an extra buck. He’d explained to me that they worked hard to keep the place functioning, hardly taking any time off, so he respected closing hours just as much as he did opening hours.

  I arrived at the café with almost thirty minutes to spare. I needed to make a good impression, so no way would I be late. Usually, I would get Callum’s key and go upstairs to get comfy while I waited on him.

  Not this time.

  I had no right to expect his key. I had no right to expect anything from him period. But still he’d given me the time I’d asked for to convince him that we belonged together. That I should call him Daddy once more.

  I didn’t expect him to change his mind overnight, but I was in this for the long run. Callum needed to know that his two boys didn’t fail him. He needed to know that I’d fought for me just as much as I’d fought for us.

  I remained in the car, listening to an addic
tion recovery podcast. Jeanine had recommended this channel, and I found it entertaining but also real. Given AA never worked for me, the podcast kept me up to date with other recovering addicts. I didn’t feel so alone with them talking about their day-to-day life avoiding alcohol.

  What I found interesting was how much I learned about their life. The podcast didn’t just focus on the alcohol addiction. It didn’t give me the sense that these individuals were just waiting for a relapse. They had lives. Married. Kids. They had moved on with their lives, and I wanted that too. With Callum.

  The podcast ended, and I smiled, feeling at peace. So much of my anxiety disappeared when I logged out of my social media accounts. I hadn’t deleted them, but I hadn’t been on any of the sites in over a month. I had no desire to find out where the next party would be and where I could have an anonymous hookup.

  Frankly, I didn’t miss it. Maybe the socializing a bit, but that would get better as I made healthier friends whose habits wouldn’t put me directly in the path of alcohol. Until then I had to get used to being alone.

  Jeanine had been right to prepare me for that. I would need it now more than ever if Callum ended our relationship for good. I couldn’t rule out the possibility of this happening given the way I’d wrecked us both before I went into treatment.

  I was just learning to trust myself again. I couldn’t expect him to trust me.

  Eventually the final customers emerged from the café. I glanced at my watch and grinned. Exactly ten. I missed this familiarity of Callum and being able to predict his every mood. Just as I knew he would allow Phil and Brayden both to leave while he finished cleaning up on his own.

  The two drove from the parking area, and as soon as they were gone, I unlocked the car door and stepped out. I pushed my hands deep inside the pockets of my coat, the heels of my boots echoing on the pavement like an ominous sign.

  The damn little bell I hated so much rang when I pushed the door open.

  “Sorry but we’re closed.” Callum rubbed at a table vigorously and answered without looking up.

  “Need some help?” What else was I supposed to say? It sounded a lot better in my head than “want to talk about whether or not you still want to be with me?”

  Callum’s head snapped up at the sound of my voice, the initial genuine pleasure on his face replaced with the stoic man who was trying to keep his heart from me.

  “I’m almost done here,” he said, returning to his task of wiping down the tables. “You can go up and wait for me if you want.”

  I would normally take him up on that offer. Now I peered around the coffee shop trying to find something to do. This was Callum’s work. He put his all, time and money, into this place. It meant a lot to him, so it meant a lot to me too.

  “Seriously, there’s nothing I can do to help out?” I pressed.

  “The garbage in the back needs to be taken out,” he replied.

  I pulled a face. I couldn’t help it. That had to be one of the stinkiest jobs around here.

  “Great.” I swallowed my distaste and rolled up the sleeves of my jacket. Might as well get to it. “I’ll be right back.”

  “I was just kidding, Ash.”

  I shook my head at him. He didn’t think I could do this? He was so wrong.

  “I don’t mind.”

  I didn’t mind at all. Twenty-one wasn’t too late to learn to do chores, right?

  I knew the ins and outs of the café like it was my own. The hard part was already done and the garbage tied off in a huge garbage bag. I took a deep breath—a bit of exaggeration since it didn’t really stink—then grabbed the bag and pushed my way out the back.

  I walked the short distance to the huge iron dumpster and almost squicked out at having to even approach it. Another deep breath and I tossed the bag. Which slammed into the dumpster, burst open, and showered me with used cups and other stuff.

  I yelled and tried to dodge it all, but I was too late. I ran away from the garbage rain, brushing at my hair like it was suddenly infested with rats.

  “Ash?” Callum’s footsteps hurried toward me. “What happened?”

  I glanced from the ground scattered with garbage to Callum. Then I grimaced at the mess I’d made of my clothes. I needed to get out of these clothes ASAP. I needed a steamy shower to rid myself of whatever germs might have upended on me.

  “I took out the garbage,” I replied. “It’s harder than it looks.”

  “You’ve never taken out the garbage before.” Callum shook his head at me as he surveyed the ground. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

  “I’m sorry I made a mess of everything.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll clean it up.”

  It was my mess. He shouldn’t be the one to clean up after. Even though I was covered in filth and desperately needed a shower, I swallowed my disgust and raised my eyes to his.

  “No, I’ll clean it up.”

  “Have you ever picked up garbage before?” Callum asked me.

  “No, but how hard can it be?” I picked up a used cup and aimed it at the bin. This time it landed inside.

  “We need gloves,” he said. “You sure you don’t want to go up and take a shower while I handle things?”

  I did, but…

  “I want to at least help…please.” I bit my tongue at almost calling him Daddy. It kind of went with the territory of the pout I gave him, but I’d promised him I would earn that right. It wasn’t up to me to decide when I’d earned it.

  “All right, you can help, and then we can go up and shower.”

  Together? The question got stuck in my head. Hopeful. I’d pick up garbage all night if it meant showering with him later. I’d never thought I’d be that happy picking up garbage, but I was in full spirits by the time we were finished.

  “That’s all of it.” He reached out for my hands to remove my disposable gloves, and I hid my smile. He didn’t even realize what he was doing. Being a Daddy in the gentlest of ways. Didn’t he know that him being a caregiver was a part of him? “Just let me double-check the place is secured for the night, then we can go up.”

  As grossed out as I was, by the time Callum and I marched up the stairs and he let us inside the apartment, memories of our intimacy within these walls made me hyperaware of how turned on I was by this man. I wanted Callum in the worst way, and being apart had done nothing but make my heart grow fonder of him.

  It wasn’t my fault for wanting him to fuck me against the door. I had good intentions in coming here tonight. To talk. The sexual chemistry pinged back and forth between us in the small hall as we accidentally bumped into each other.

  Completely accidental. It had nothing at all to do with how close I stood to him. Or how he reached for the hem of his T-shirt and pulled it over his head, baring those delicious abs I liked to lick.

  Oh god, I wanted to lick him so bad.

  “You can have the bathroom first,” he said. “Don’t take all night.”

  I tried not to show how disappointed I was that we wouldn’t take a shower together. With a nod, I scampered off to the bathroom and didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. Everything was exactly like I’d left it. My favorite shampoos, conditioner, shower gel, the towels, my wash rag. He hadn’t moved a single thing.

  Surely if he meant to end our relationship, he would haven’t kept all my things around him. Way more confident in us that I had been when I arrived, I undressed, dropping my clothes to the floor at first before I backtracked, scooped them up, and tucked them away in his clothes hamper. I’d left dirty clothes inside, but they were gone.

  Had he laundered them and folded them away in the space of his closet that I’d occupied while I was here?

  I slipped into the bathroom and scrubbed my body thoroughly. I didn’t mean to dawdle, but some habits really were hard to break. Before I knew it, the hot water ran out. Feeling guilty and selfish for using it all up, I wrapped up in a towel and walked out into his bedroom.

  Jeans and T-shirt were laid out for me
on the bed along with a fresh pair of underwear. Those tighty-whities he loved seeing my ass in so much.

  “I’m starving, so I ordered a pizza,” Callum announced, walking into the bedroom. He shucked his jeans, and I just stared, holding my breath for his boxers to follow. “Get the door when the delivery guy is here.”

  He marched right by me toward the bathroom without giving me the chance to say anything to him. I sighed and dressed before I went to hang out with Lulu and Lola, who I had yet to see since I returned. Their tank was clean, and they looked well. Not that I expected any less since they were in Callum’s care.

  A knock on the door distracted me from the fish. I paid for the pizza and tipped the delivery guy. Callum had ordered Hawaiian pizza even though he hated pineapple on his.

  It was my favorite pizza. He’d even called in to my favorite pizza place even though they were a little bit pricier than the usual. Although I’d had dinner with mother earlier, my belly rumbled now at the mouthwatering smell.

  We always had pizza with a side of salad, and I went about quickly putting one together. I hated croutons, but I was adding them to the salad plate when he entered the kitchen, smelling of clean man and raw sexual energy. If desire had a smell Callum would be the fountain of its perfume.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” he said, nodding at the salad. “You hate croutons.”

  “And you hate pineapple on your pizza.”

  He got my point and brushed by me to grab two glasses from the cupboard. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

  “What’re you doing?”

  My eyes popped open, and my face heated up at having been caught sniffing him. I could lie or…

  “I missed the smell of you.”

  “It’s just soap.”

  But it wasn’t. It was the way the soap mixed with his own natural scent, but I didn’t want to seem too obsessed with his smell.

  “Maybe. We eating here or before the TV?”

  “Here’s fine. You said we needed to talk.”

  Right. The very difficult talk ahead.

  We moved by rote and familiarity that not even six weeks apart could erase. He gave me my customary two slices because I didn’t dare eat more especially at this time of the night. Oblivious to what the calories could do to his physique, he piled slice after slice on his plate, devouring four while I was still working on my one.