by C. P. Watson
“I guess I’ll just go,” Saskia huffs and leaves, but not without checking out my son first. He gives her a smile, but quickly looks away and walks in. He stands awkwardly in front of my desk, seemingly trying to find words to say.
“I’ve missed you,” I decide to just hug him, because I indeed missed him alot. He’s my baby boy, and I hate that he’s been so upset with me.
“Yeah, me too,” he barely hugs back. I step away, and run my thumb across his cheek. He seems so miserable, making me wonder how everything at school is going.
“Come here,” I take his hand and lead him over to the couch. It breaks my heart to see so much pain in his eyes, “tell me what’s wrong.”
I assume that it has to do with Petah, but I’m hoping it’s not. There’s a lot of things that I’m willing to sacrifice for my children’s happiness, even my own.
“I never got over the divorce I guess,” I lower my eyes and trace the back of his palm with the tip of my index finger. Giving Petah another chance is a lot to consider, especially with Bethany in the picture now. I just don’t know if I can attempt to ignore what my heart wants. My heart? I close my eyes for a moment.
“I see that,” my eyes fail to meet his, and he places his hand in mine, tightening his grip, “Ethan, I really don’t think I can—“
“Just one dinner, please? She deserves at least that,” but what do I deserve? Don’t I at least deserve the choice to say no?
My heart… is at so many odds right now, “did she put you up to this?”
“No,” I know better than to believe that. One dinner will never just be so simple. They’ll expect me to fall into Petah’s arms, for me to remember the love that I once felt for her. I’ll be expected to go on another date and another, and date my ex-wife. Till I’m suffocating and…
This is something I wanted up to seven years ago. Damn. Petah and I don’t want the same things at the right time. When I wanted her, she didn’t want me. And now that she wants me, I don’t want her.
“Ethan, I really don’t think it’s a good idea to reopen these wounds,” he shifts away from me, and I can see the anger in his eyes.
“It’s one date, mom. If it doesn’t go well, I promise to never bring this up again,” I really want to refuse, I need to. But he’s making it so fucking hard.
“Fine.”
* * *
After Ethan leaves with a big smile on his face, I grab my things and leave my office. My brain’s so fuzzy and when I’m driving, I end up at the doorstep of the last person I should be sharing these emotions with.
“Xo, Xo,” when did he learn to open the door? I kneel down and pull him into my arms.
“I missed you too,” I whisper against his ear and take a deep inhale of his blonde curls.
“Mommy’s not, Mommy’s not—“ he’s trying to find the word.
“Bethany’s at a gig,” someone walks forward, and I stand with Blue clinging to my shoulders.
“Oh, hi,” I stretch my free hand out, as I make sure to steady Blue with the other, before he falls down.
“Xiomara, right?” I nod, “I’m Angie, Bethany’s aunt.”
I shake her hand before walking inside and closing the door, “it’s nice to meet you,” I look around, and notice that some things are rearranged.
“Eat winner with us?” He yawns against my chest, as he leans back and looks into my eyes. I wish that my kids could be babies again. It’s so simple when they’re toddlers, and they’re yet to understand what everything means. I bet he doesn’t even know that his mom likes girls. Things like that don’t matter when they’re so young. But then you have to have the talk with them. And let me tell you, I’ve done it four times, and it never gets easier.
“Not waiting for your mommy?” He shakes his head.
“Bethany won’t be back till late, and this little one has to eat,” she tickles his belly, “you can wait here for her though. I bet she’ll love coming home to you.”
I swallow and almost blush. Angie raises a brow and winks, before walking into the kitchen. Bethany’s aunt seems younger than me even, that’s such an ego boost. I sigh and take Blue over to the couch. Turning on the tv, he snuggles closer in my arms, and sucks on his thumb. I’m already feeling better from just being around him.
“The horsies are pwaying,” he points and giggles. I look at him and can’t hold back a smile. Even though I’m so stressed, he manages to lighten my mood and make me feel so much better.
“Bethany will be back before midnight. I have to do some stuff. Will you two be okay?” I nod as she places a plate of chicken nuggets on the centre table in front of us.
“Yeah, of course. It was nice meeting you, Angie,” she smiles at me and places her hand on my shoulder.
“Take care of them,” I bite down on my bottom lip and nod. She grabs her purse and overcoat from the recliner and makes her way to the door, but not without Blue springing out of my arms and running over to her.
“Bye, auntie,” he hugs her leg, and she runs her fingers through his hair.
“Bye, buddy. Be good, okay?” She kisses the top of his head before opening the door. Blue rushes over to me and jumps onto my lap. When the door closes behind Angie, I let out a sigh and caress his cheek with my thumb.
“Are you going to keep me company while I wait for your mommy?” He nods quickly, but I know that his eyes won’t stay open for much longer.
“I don’t want nuggets,” he frowns, as he looks at the plate. I don’t like processed food either.
“What do you want to eat?” He rubs his chin and leans back against my chest.
“Pancocks!” He bounces in my lap and waits for my answer. I haven’t made pancakes since Mary moved out. My breakfast consists of coffee and toast most days.
“Chocolate chip pancakes?” He shakes his head.
“Banana,” he intertwines his little fingers with mine, and takes me into the kitchen. Everything is so spotless that I’m afraid to touch anything, “I help?”
I look through the cupboards for a frying pan, and find a really tiny one, deciding to make myself a sunny-side up egg.
“How many pancakes do you want?” I lift him up to sit on the counter, as I open the fridge. I’ve really made myself at home here. But it’s nice.
Taking out the tray of eggs, Blue lifts three fingers up at me, “tree. A star, heart and moon,” even with four kids, I never learnt to shape pancakes manually.
“Does your mommy use something special to make them?” He points to a cupboard, and I open it, only to find pancake shapers of all sizes and shapes. Damn.
“What swape you want?” I grab the necessary ones, and decide to make myself a heart too. I hold up the heart and he places his hand against his chest, “you like heart?”
“I do,” he lifts up his hands in the air, making his t-shirt rise above his tummy.
“I help,” he attempts to get off of the counter, but I rush over to him, “I’m tunning tree on, on,” he huffs, “is the,” he begins to count his fingers.
“Tomorrow?” Blue shakes his head, “the twenty-first?” He pouts.
“It’s the… the uh… wenty, wenty,” he rubs his forehead, his cheeks becoming red.
“Twenty-second, twenty-third, twenty-forth, twenty-fifth?”
“Tort!” He shouts.
“Twenty-forth?” He smiles widely, “that’s in two weeks,” I place him on my shoulders and walk him around the kitchen, as I get everything in order.
“You come?” I’d love to, but your mommy has to invite me too.
“I’ll ask your mommy, okay?” He begins to tap his hands on top of my head like he’s beating a drum.
“Okay,” he helps me pour water into the pancake mix, and gets some on both of us. By the time we’re done cooking, I probably look like a snowwoman, and he probably looks like an angel. I even made a heart-shaped egg, and he looks at it in awe.
“Hey,” Bethany enters the kitchen, looking at us with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t even h
ear the front door open with the racket going on between us.
“Mommy!” She picks him up and sprinkles kisses on his pancake-batter covered cheeks.
“I missed you too,” he shows her his hands, and the egg whites that are dripping off of his fingers, “how did you two get so messy?”
“Xo, Xo’s wault, mommy,” he blames me completely and I frown. What happened to teamwork?
“Oh, yeah?” She gives me those playful, narrowed eyes, “think she needs a time-out?”
Blue gasps and places his hand over his mouth, “no, no, don’t.”
I wash my hands and dry them with a dishtowel. Placing my hands on my hips, I watch him give me an apologetic pout.
“I think cleaning this mess is punishment enough,” I sigh, the smile on my face making her smile too, “you’re back early, the gig was postponed?”
She holds Blue to her hip, as she walks over to me, “things got wild, and the cops shut the party down,” she picks up a sliced strawberry from my plate, and pops it into her mouth.
“Oh,” the way her lips purse is so sexy. I refocus my eyes on Blue, knowing that my thoughts will become pure, “I’ll clean up while you feed him,” she looks at the untouched plate of chicken nuggets on the counter.
“Feed me,” Blue gestures to his opened mouth, “I’m hungry.”
“So bossy,” she places him on the counter and grabs the roll of paper towels, “and you promise to take a long bath after?”
He shakes his head, “mommy, is too cole for bath time,” he shivers and wraps his arms around his torso.
“Do you want the ants to sneak onto your bed while you’re sleeping?” His eyes widen, “you don’t want them to crawl on your face, right?”
Blue furrows his brows, “no, mommy,” he answers defeatedly, as she cleans his hands and face.
* * *
After dinner, and Blue’s bath, I’ve finally finished cleaning up, and I’m leaning against the counter trying to catch my breath.
“He’s alseep,” Bethany walks into the kitchen, in only her boy shorts and bralette. My eyes nearly fall out.
“Okay,” I swallow and bite down on the insides of my cheeks.
“I’m going to take a shower,” she heads towards her room, making me frown. I kind of expected her to make a move on me, but she didn’t.
Running my hand over my dirty blouse, I realize that I need to shower too. Without thought, I head into her room, only to find her pulling down her boyshorts. Stumbling back, I place my hands over my eyes like a baby would, almost falling down.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” the heat that rises to my cheeks makes my entire body tremble. I’m such an idiot.
“That was so on purpose,” her footsteps move closer, and she moves my hands away from my face, admiring my hot red cheeks, “you’re that embarrassed?”
My eyes don’t leave hers, even though I really want to see if she’s naked or not. Are her panties gone? Did she also take off her bra, just to tease me? I wouldn’t know, because I can’t bring myself to look down.
“I wasn’t thinking, I—“ her lips meet mine hastily, catching me completely off guard. I don’t reciprocate and step back, shocked and turned on, making me so nervous.
Her eyes search mine, and she seems disappointed. Why did I reject her? My skin tingles for warmth, and my mouth waters to taste her lips.
“You’re terrified,” she takes my hand in hers, and kisses the back of my palm. That calms me down instantly and she pulls me in, but doesn’t kiss me. Instead she wraps her arms around my torso, hugging me. My eyes close and an immediate comfort washes over my tense muscles, “I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.”
I hate that she’s apologizing. Am I stupid enough to not kiss her back? Moving my hands up to her cheeks, I cup them and lean back, looking into those perfect blue eyes. There’s no denying that I want her, but only I know that, right? I should show her… she deserves to know how I really feel—how I desperately want her.
“Bethany,” I caress her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, getting lost in her eyes. She’s so beautiful, and my heart tugs to meet hers, metaphorically of course, “I really want to kiss you.”
My confession makes her blush, so at least I’m not the only one with red colored cheeks tonight. I lean closer, allowing the essence of her presence to fully envelope my body. I haven’t felt so at peace in so many years, where someone’s body can make me feel so at ease.
“Then kiss me,” she whispers, almost silently. She’s doubtful and afraid that I’ll move away, I can tell. I need to tuck my fears away, and show this woman that I do want her. I don’t want her to feel rejected anymore, and can’t keep ignoring my feelings for her.
She deserves to know the truth—of how much I adore her, how much I care and want to be with her.
Leaning even closer, I hear a soft gasp escape her lips. She grips my waist and await my lips to meet hers. I know that I’m taking my time, but I want this kiss to be perfect. I want it to express every ounce of feelings that I have for her.
Breathing in, my lips brush against hers, my insides screaming with anxiety. Her hands tighten around my waist, as my tongue enters her mouth slowly. I love kissing her. Since that night, I can’t get her soft lips out of my mind.
Without our lips parting, she leads me over to the bed, and pushes me back, making me fall onto the bedding. Her knees are on the bed, as her hands run up my sides and over my shoulder blades. My hands move onto her chest, before she intertwines our fingers and lifts my arms above my head, pinning me down.
“Fuck,” her lips trail from my lips, and onto my jawline. She’s intensifying our moment into much more than a kiss, and I can’t say that I’m not enjoying it.
I look down at her body, realizing that she’s indeed completely naked. Oh fuck. How many orgasms is she going to give me tonight? Two? Ten? I gulp and flip her over, slowing things down and simply looking into her eyes.
As much as I want to taste every inch of her body, I don’t think we should have sex yet, well again.
“Is everything okay?” I smile and kiss her forehead, then her lips one last time.
“Yes, it’s great,” she places her hands over my ass, and that wicked grin on her face is turning me on so much.
“I’m so horny,” she admits, causing my heart to speed up. Damn, if my panties aren’t soaked, I’m definitely going through menopause.
“Me too,” that reply gives her enough motivation to begin sucking on my neck. My head flings back, and the moan that escapes my lips makes me worry that I’ve woken up that sleeping angel, “babe,” I’m panting for breath as she marks me, “I want to take you on a date first,” my breaths are so heavy, “please, I—“
“I’m not a traditional girl, Xiomara. We can have sex then go on a date,” I swallow as the spot where her lips leave pulses.
“We’ve already slept together, but,” I find her eyes, “I don’t want to mess this up. Let me date you?”
She’s smiling widely, and I’m struggling to not move my hands over her nipples, “I’d love that actually, but are you ready for that?”
I roll over and lye on my back next to her. She pulls the covers over her naked body to my dismay and turns on her side.
“Ethan wants me to go on a date with Petah,” I close my eyes, knowing that her reaction might be bad.
“Your ex?” I nod, and she lets out a deep breath, “when will this happen?” I shrug and sigh, and hopefully she notices my distraught.
“I just said yes so that he’d shut up basically. I don’t know how to make my kids happy without making myself sad,” she places her hand on my stomach and leans forward.
“When I adopted Blue, my aunt thought that I was crazy. Why would a single, twenty-three year old adopt a baby?” I turn on my side too and continue to listen to her, “and don’t ask about how I had to bend over backwards for them to give him to me.”
“What did your parents say?” We’ve never discussed anything much about her family, o
nly that her aunt’s a fan of the show.
She tenses and I immediately intertwine our hands, reflexively comforting her, “they both died,” her voice is low and sad in tone. I pull her into me, so that her head’s on my chest. She wraps her arm around my torso, and softly breathes.
“I’m so sorry, babe,” I sense that it’s a really sensitive topic, why wouldn’t it be? When my parents died, I had a mental breakdown both times. I can be an extremely emotional person, even though I have a rock hard exterior.
“The day I saw Blue in the hospital’s nursery, is the day my mom died from a heart attack,” she presses her nose against my collarbone and inhales deeply. Is she really smelling me? Fuck, I reek of eggs and flour. Hopefully she doesn’t notice, “while my mom was in surgery, I stood behind the glass window of the nursery, staring at this beautiful baby boy, who’s teenage mom abandoned him after birth. It’s like I was meant to be there, even though the circumstance was awful.”