by Holly Rayner
Chapter 11
Joanna
It was amazing the degree to which life had returned to normal in the two weeks since Joanna had been home from Al-Yara. She had fallen back into her routine, traveling for a few days for work and then returning home for a few days’ layover. It was surprisingly easy to put everything else out of her mind. It felt almost as if her time in Al-Yara had been a dream, and now, she was awake.
There was only one thing that could jar her into remembering, fully, how real it all was, and that was the sight of the boxes of pregnancy tests lined up on her sink.
She knew it was foolish and wasteful to take them as regularly as she had been. The doctor had specifically said three weeks, that nothing would show up before then. And every time she saw that little negative sign, her hopes fell a little bit further. The idea of co-parenting a child with Ahmad—an idea that had seemed so tangible and real when she had been in Al-Yara—seemed farther and farther away.
On today’s flight home from Portland, she had been in a particularly gloomy mood about it all. Flights from the west coast to Kansas City were ordinarily some of her favorites—long enough to allow her time to relax while they were in flight, but not so long that the passengers started to become badly agitated.
Today, though, she hadn’t been able to relax. Thoughts of her time in Al-Yara were intruding much more than they had over the past two weeks.
Even Jill had noticed.
“What’s with you?” she’d asked. “You’re not sick again, are you?”
“I think I’m getting my time of the month,” Joanna had said, hoping that it wasn’t true, but suspecting that it might be.
This unexplained moodiness was always a telltale sign for her.
“Sucks,” Jill had said sympathetically. “Do you need something? I have painkillers in my bag.”
“I’m good, thanks.”
Joanna had loaded the drink cart and started out into the aisle, even though it was a little early for the beverage service. Ordinarily, talking to Jill would have been a relief, but today, it was causing her anxiety to spike.
The plane had landed, and Joanna had taken off before Jill could suggest going for a drink. It felt urgent, suddenly, that she take a pregnancy test. She felt as though the window Dr. Franco had told her about was slamming shut.
It didn’t work. I’m not pregnant. And when Ahmad sees that, he’ll give up on me altogether. He said he would stick with me, but he’ll feel differently when it’s actually happening.
She was frustrated with herself for being so negative. It wasn’t like her. But she felt emotionally on-edge right now, as if the slightest bit of bad news could send her into a tailspin.
To cheer herself up, she tried to think about the money Ahmad had promised her. Five hundred thousand dollars. That would be enough to change her life forever. Never again would she have to worry about whether she would be able to afford the rent. She would be able to get herself out of debt. Everything would be different.
But only if I actually get pregnant.
That had been part of the deal, part of the contract she had signed in Al-Yara. If she was able to report a positive pregnancy, she would be paid two hundred and fifty thousand, and the rest upon the birth of the child. But if there was no pregnancy, there would be no money. Joanna would be compensated for her travel and the time she had taken off work, nothing more.
She let herself into her apartment, feeling sick and exhausted. Maybe she was coming down with something. Her period symptoms weren’t usually this noticeable.
Or maybe I’m just depressed because this doesn’t seem to be working.
Logically, she knew that it was far too soon to be thinking in those terms. It was normal that her pregnancy tests had all been negative so far. Nothing was expected to show up on them for three weeks, and it had only been two, for God’s sake.
Things would be easier if I was allowed to talk to someone about this.
Things would be easier if she could have gone to her mother or to a friend with her anxieties. She knew that whoever she chose would have laughed gently, told her she was being silly, and helped her find some kind of distraction.
But she couldn’t tell. How could she? No one but her mother even knew about her fertility problem. And what would her mother say if Joanna called her and announced that she had decided to try to have a baby with a man she barely knew?
This was exactly what she advised me not to do.
Joanna didn’t regret her choice. But she knew that she couldn’t confide in her mother. Not until she knew the outcome, one way or another.
In a way, it reminded her of Ahmad’s situation. He had no one to talk to about the airline he was planning, no one to share the news of his meeting with. So he had emailed her, not because of any special closeness between them, but because she was the only person who knew what he was going through.
The idea of emailing Ahmad about this particular stress was laughable, though.
Of course she couldn’t complain to him that she was afraid she would never become pregnant. What if he stopped trusting her again, the way he had in the doctor’s office when he’d learned about her declining fertility?
She was just going to have to wait it out, alone, and hope for the best.
With a sigh, she headed to the bathroom. She had gotten in the habit of taking a pregnancy test every time she came home from the airport, giving herself a status check every couple of days. It was a silly thing to do, and Joanna knew it wasn’t going to make her feel any better to see yet another negative. But until she had done it, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to stop turning the question over in her mind.
She tore open a new box of tests, pulled one out, and read the directions, even though she had done this six times already, and it was just about as simple a task as you could ask for.
There was no reason not to make absolutely sure that she was getting it right. There was a lot at stake here, after all.
When she had finished, she set the test on the counter by the sink and glanced at her phone. You had to wait two minutes for the result, and Joanna could never stand to sit in the bathroom watching the lines come up. It was too stressful. She went to the kitchen instead and filled a pot with water to make herself a cup of tea.
She looked at her phone. One minute had gone by.
It was always so impossible, passing this stretch of time.
She wandered around the apartment, absently cleaning up, stacking the mail she’d received while she’d been out of town. All of it was junk—grocery coupons, applications for credit cards she didn’t want, catalogs for things she didn’t need. Just one more reminder of how little she really had in her life. This pregnancy was the only thing she had going on.
How could she have been so content for so many years? How could she have let so much time go by and never realized what she was missing out on?
If she had missed her chance, if she couldn’t make this last opportunity work out, she knew she would struggle to forgive herself for the rest of her life.
Two minutes were up. She returned to the bathroom, her body already beginning to register the disappointment that would come along with seeing that the test was negative, her heart fluttering—as it always did—nevertheless.
She picked up the pregnancy test and looked at the symbol in the window.
Plus sign.
For a moment, Joanna felt nothing but confusion.
But plus means positive, she thought. I can’t have a positive pregnancy test.
But she was holding one in her hands.
Shaking, she set it down on the sink, half afraid that if she moved too quickly, she would scare that precious plus sign away. She reached for another test.
After all, there is such a thing as a false positive.
This time, she stayed in the bathroom, unable to bring herself to walk away. She looked over at the test every few seconds, dreading the moment when the minus sign would reveal itself and confirm that
the whole thing had been a mistake.
After a few moments, a sign began to resolve in the window.
Joanna turned away. She couldn’t help it.
I wish someone was here with me right now.
And she couldn’t help wishing that that person was Ahmad.
She turned back to the test, her heart in her throat.
Positive.
Instinctively, Joanna’s hands moved to her belly. It was hard to imagine that something—someone—was growing there, but with two positive tests, she had to believe it. It was real.
I’m pregnant. I’m actually going to have a baby.
She reached for her phone, thinking she would call Ahmad right away and tell him the good news… and stopped short.
Three weeks.
The doctor had said that nothing would show up on a pregnancy test for three weeks. He had been definite about that.
Joanna had been taking these pregnancy tests, allowing her hopes to rise and fall with each one. But in the back of her mind, she had always known she was being foolish. She had known that she couldn’t get a positive result yet.
And yet, she had.
A week early.
The math didn’t add up. A pregnancy that had implanted on the date of her IVF procedure shouldn’t have shown up on the test yet. What did that mean?
But she knew already, even as she asked herself the question.
Because there was one other way she could have gotten pregnant, wasn’t there?
Something that had happened a week before her procedure.
Something that, in the midst of all the awkwardness, she had never even thought to consider as a possible source of a pregnancy. And right now, that was feeling extremely foolish.
We slept together.
They must have conceived the baby that night. It was the only thing that made sense, mathematically speaking.
That night was a mistake.
But had it been? Could she really call it a mistake, if it had led to this result? Joanna had been regretting the night she had spent with Ahmad, but now, she was forced to admit that it had been worth it if it had led her here.
She just hoped he would feel the same way.
She picked up her phone, found his number in her recent contacts, and dialed.
“Joanna?” Ahmad answered quickly, as he always did. It was as if he was attuned to the sound of his phone ringing, constantly alert for her call.
“You sound sleepy,” she said, instantly feeling bad. “I didn’t think to check what time it was in Al-Yara.”
“I was sleeping. But that doesn’t matter,” he said. “You’re back from… where was it?”
“From Portland, Oregon.”
She couldn’t help smiling. She enjoyed his curiosity about American cities. It made her feel worldly.
“And how was Portland, Oregon?” he asked courteously.
“Pretty boring,” she said. “I’m not calling about Portland.”
“I imagine you just took a pregnancy test.”
He was accustomed to her habit of taking them when she returned home, accustomed to her calling him to report the negative results.
“Yes,” she said. “Ahmad… it’s positive.”
There was no answer. She couldn’t even hear him breathing.
“Ahmad?”
Another moment of silence.
“Are you sure?” he asked finally.
“Yes,” she said. “I took the test twice, just in case. I got a positive result both times.”
“Then… we’re going to have a baby?”
“We’re going to have a baby,” she confirmed, unable to keep the smile off her face.
To think that just a few weeks ago, she had been coming to terms with the knowledge that she would never share a moment like this with someone. And now, here it was. It felt surreal.
“But wait a moment,” Ahmad said. “I thought the doctor said there was no way we’d be able to find out this early. Did I misunderstand something?”
“No,” Joanna said. “You had it right.”
“Then, what’s going on? How could you have tested positive?”
“I don’t think I got pregnant that day at the doctor’s office,” she said. “I think I was already pregnant by then.”
Another long silence.
“Oh,” Ahmad said, his voice slightly strangled.
“Is… is that okay?” she asked. “I know you thought that night was… ill-advised, and I did too, and we don’t have to make a big deal out of it or anything—”
“No,” Ahmad interrupted. “I was surprised, that’s all. But I can’t regret what happened between us, can I? Not if it gets us what we both wanted. It could only have been right, even if it did seem misguided at the time.”
“I feel the same way,” Joanna said, warm relief seeping through her.
“How are you feeling, otherwise?” he asked her, his voice tense.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean physically,” he said. “And emotionally too, actually. Are you feeling all right? Any sickness or symptoms at all?”
Joanna was surprised and touched. This was a business arrangement, after all, and she hadn’t anticipated feeling so cared for. Of course, he would want to make sure that nothing was wrong with her physically, but asking her how she felt emotionally… he didn’t have to do that.
It was kind.
He cares about me.
She wondered why that thought made her feel as if her lungs were filled with helium.
“I’m okay,” she said. “It’s been kind of an emotional day, and I guess now I know why. But I’m all right. I’m about to make some tea and maybe watch TV for a while.”
“Would you like me to stay on the phone with you?” he asked.
“It’s the middle of the night for you!” she protested, flattered nonetheless.
“You don’t have anyone to talk to about it,” he said. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re on your own.”
She felt like her cheeks must be radiating heat, her smile was so big.
“It’s okay,” she said. “Send me an email when you wake up. We have a lot of plans to make.”
“We do,” he said. “I can’t wait to get started.”
Joanna hung up the phone and went to prepare her tea. Once again, her entire world had shifted, leaving her racing to keep up.
Chapter 12
Ahmad
Ahmad,
I’m about to board a plane to Toronto, which isn’t one of my usual flight plans, so that’s exciting. I haven’t been to Canada recently. It’s going to be nice. And I have a whole day and a half before I come back home, so that will give me time to relax and look around.
Anyway, I’m just writing to tell you that I had a visit with my doctor yesterday. Everything’s still looking good with the baby. We’re both coming along well. No health concerns. I got some new vitamins, and the doctor encouraged me to go ahead and eat anything I’m craving—as long as it’s food. Did you know some pregnant women get cravings for things like dirt and soap? Wild. Not me, though. All I’ve wanted so far is to drink shots of pickle juice.
I’ll keep you informed about anything else that happens. I know you’re interested in the details.
Talk soon,
Joanna.
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for your last email. How was Toronto?
Please let me know how much the doctor visit cost, as well as the new vitamins, as both are expenses I would like to cover. And if there’s anything else I can do for you right now, do let me know.
I visited a space that might be a suitable airline hangar today. It depends on how many planes I’m hoping to have in my fleet. I’m not sure I know the answer to that yet. I’ll have to do more research before I can make a decision.
I hope you’re well. Please continue to keep me updated on your progress.
Thank you,
Ahmad.
Ahmad,
A kind
of crazy thing is that I feel like I’m bigger already. I know it isn’t true. It’s only been a month. But in my head, I feel like people can see that I’m pregnant. I’ve actually been keeping a string on my bathroom sink so that I can measure my own circumference. There’s no difference, of course.
I was wondering today whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. Then I wondered what kind of difference that would make to their place in Al-Yara. I know this baby is far enough down the line of succession that they’ll never have to worry about sitting on the throne—and thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could deal with raising a ruler!—but they’ll belong to the royal family. What will it be like for a boy versus a girl?
I’m jumping the gun even thinking about that, I’m sure, but it feels as if I need to be making plans all the time, and any minute I’m not thinking about the baby’s future is a minute wasted. I suppose this is when other parents set up college funds.
But I’m never going to be like other parents. Not given how unconventional all this is. Our baby will always have college ready and paid for, thanks to you.
Sorry to unload on you. I’ll do this less once other people in my life know, I promise.
Talk soon,
Joanna.
Ahmad stared at his computer screen for several long minutes after he had finished reading Joanna’s latest email. It had occurred to him that she had no idea what it would be like for her child to grow up as a member of the royal family, no idea of the privileges that would be extended and the responsibilities that would be undertaken.
Would she ever really know? Her home was so far away. They had agreed that the baby would spend the school year in America—Ahmad had taken no issue with the idea of a western education for his child. It might even be a good idea to have someone who could bring that kind of perspective to the royal family. The summers, meanwhile, would be spent in Al-Yara, learning the ways of royalty.
Which meant that he would see Joanna—and she would see the palace—twice a year. She would come at the end of spring to drop the child off, and she would come again to collect them in early fall.