by Liz Hsu
At least she was coming back today, which made me euphoric. I could almost taste her on my lips, feel her nestled against me, and hear her chiming laughter. Sometimes I could get so caught up in what I was doing I didn’t even notice the passing of time, but Ray made me feel alive in a way I never had before. She made my heart speed up and filled me with deep contentment at the same time—a calm. And I’d never wanted anyone like I wanted her. It was like I’d been living in black and white before she moved here and now everything was in color.
I glanced at the calendar above my desk with a sigh. Our family wedding celebration was next weekend and I didn’t want to spend two weekends in a row apart. My weekdays were so busy. My second or third cousin—Wàipó’s brother’s daughter’s son, John—had gotten married. It was family, so of course, we’d go. But I didn’t want to leave Ray again. I was so stressed by the college application process, I just wanted to lose myself with her: to practice the piano and be able to glance up at her contemplative profile as she drew dangerously captivating scenes. Or kissing her, because I could certainly lose myself that way too.
An idea formed, but I wasn’t sure about it yet. Maybe she could go with us. I knew Ray had never been to Niagara Falls and wanted to see it. When I’d described it, her whole face lit up. When she looked like that, I’d swear she was the most beautiful girl in the world. So alive, so joyous. Bracing myself for a no, I stood from the computer chair and paced toward Ma’s office.
I pushed the door open. Ma paused, her hand hovering over her grading pile.
“Ma, do you think Ray could come with us to Toronto?” I asked in a rushed breath.
“You want Ray to come to the banquet?”
“Yes, maybe we can take the car that day and see Niagara Falls because she’s never seen it.” I couldn’t get the image of her smile out of my head.
“Actually, Charles, this is a really good idea. Dr. Hashimi was asked to be a speaker at the Innovations in the Social Sciences and Humanities conference at Northwestern next weekend, and Nils was disappointed he couldn’t go to support her. But he couldn’t leave Ray alone, and we were going to be out of town. I will discuss with her dad tomorrow.”
“Um, great,” I said, surprised, but now breaking out in a sweat over the thought of actually asking Ray.
Hopefully she’d want to go. It was a lot of driving with my parents. She knew them well, but they could be intimidating, especially Baba. And we hadn’t told them we were dating. I just didn’t talk to them about those types of things.
I called her that night a few hours after her flight landed. When I heard her sweet Southern “hi,” “I missed you” slipped out.
“I missed you too. I missed Michigan.” She paused. “I wish I was there with you now. I’d show you just how much.”
My breath hitched. “Oh yeah?” I said, and it came out hoarser than I intended.
She giggled. “I could think of a few ways.”
My insides warmed at her words and flirting. “Um, Ray, we have a family event in Toronto this weekend.”
“Noooo, another weekend apart. It’s okay, but you’ll have to make it up to me. I like mango fro-yo.”
I laughed. “Actually, I asked my parents if you could come. Mom said she’d talk to your dad. Would you want to come? We could see Niagara Falls.”
“Niagara Falls? You really think my dad would let me go?” I heard the excitement in her voice. “He caught us kissing. He knows we’re dating.”
“Maybe? You’d sleep in my cousin Megan’s room. You’d like her. She’s a senior. There’d be four adults there.”
“Oh my gosh, that’d be so cool!” The staccato beat of my heart exploded to a crescendo at her words. “Shoot, is that the time? Charles, I have to go to church—well, youth group. Let’s talk tomorrow.”
We said goodbye, hope running through me at the idea of a whole weekend with her. With a sigh, I turned back to my mound of schoolwork that never seemed to end.
The week between the trip flew by, especially after her dad agreed, with us both trying to get as far ahead with our studies as possible. Things between us were going well, but even though it was clear we were dating, every day after math class Greg still flirted blatantly with Ray in front of me. Ray always tried to make a point of holding my hand or giving me a quick peck on the cheek if no teachers were around, but still, Greg was annoying. And the thing that really got under my skin was I could tell despite his flirting that Ray enjoyed his company. They both wanted to study architecture, after all. And they were both juniors. I just wished he’d take the hint that they were just friends.
Finally, Friday afternoon rolled around and, armed with our bags and a notarized letter stating Ray had parental permission to enter Canada, we loaded into the car bound to Toronto.
The over-four-hour drive had a few tense moments, with Baba saying incredibly awkward things. Sometimes I honestly wondered if they talked at all in his lab. However, for the most part, my parents were nice, if a little overeager, to help Ray with her Chinese and ask about her classes. Eventually, they fell into a conversation about what they were doing tomorrow too rapid and advanced for Ray to follow. I discreetly threaded our fingers together under the coats in the middle seat. I rubbed my thumb back and forth over her satiny skin. She blew me a quick kiss before turning back to the window.
I hoped she was looking forward to tomorrow, our almost-whole day together, as much as I was. Between the band and our schedules, we had too little time for just the two of us.
At almost eight thirty, we pulled into the restaurant where we were meeting my cousins. I heard Ray suck in a deep breath after my parents exited the car.
I leaned in and whispered, “They will like you,” before placing a quick kiss under her ear and slipping out of the car.
My cousins, Er Jo Jo and Er Jo Ma, sprang up when they saw us and exchanged hugs. Ray hung back, but Ma introduced her to everyone as a family friend. She shook hands with the adults first and then the twins, Megan and Marcus. We asked if they wanted to go with us to Niagara tomorrow, but they politely declined.
After dinner, I helped get Ray set up in Megan’s room and made sure she was okay before saying goodnight. She and Megan were talking up a storm when I escaped.
I paused on the landing, hearing Er Jo Jo and Ma talking. “Ma will come live with us. I’ll work less,” Ma said.
“Da Jo Jo says she can’t be left alone. You need to hire someone when you aren’t there. It’ll be expensive,” Er Jo Jo said in a hushed whisper.
“We’ll have to make it work. We can’t ask Charles not to go to Caltech. He’s wanted to go forever, and we always said we’d pay for it. We make too much for him to get aid. Maybe we could refinance the house, but the economy isn’t so good for housing right now. It’s okay, xiǎo dìdì, we’ll make it work. I’m the oldest. Ma is my responsibility.”
My heart hammered in my chest. Was Wàipó that sick? Tuition and board at Caltech cost $75,000 a year; Michigan’s in-state tuition was less than $15,000. I might even qualify for a scholarship there. Suddenly, I wanted to hear back from them more urgently than I ever had.
I slid back to Marcus’s room silently, not wanting Ma to know I’d heard.
“Charles,” Marcus whispered. “Is Ray your girlfriend?”
“Yes,” I mumbled as I got ready to shower. I needed to think.
“No offense,” he said with a laugh, “but that is not what I pictured your girlfriend looking like.”
“I’m going to shower. I don’t need the light,” was all I said back.
Just like Kevin still thought Ray was too pretty to be smart or have any personality, Marcus thought she was too pretty for me. I was quickly realizing Ray was judged on her stunning looks, and not in a good way, too often.
My shower didn’t do anything to ease my anxiety about next year. Even when I crept back into Marcus’s room
, I found I couldn’t sleep, not right away. Eventually, I pulled out my phone and, with crushing disappointment in my chest, looked up the robotics program at U of M. It was still top five in the country.
I tossed and turned, glad I had months to make a decision. How could I choose something that would hurt my family? But also, how could I give up my dream?
The morning was busy with everyone going their own ways and confirming what time we needed to meet back at Er Jo Jo’s for the banquet before we hit the road. I was glad we had a busy day lined up. I didn’t want to think about the conversation I’d heard last night. I’d asked Megan to discreetly give me a change of Ray’s clothes because I’d bought us tickets to take the boat under the Falls and I knew sometimes, despite the gear, you got wet. Er Jo Ma reminded us three times to dress warmly, because Niagara would be colder, before we headed out the door.
After sitting in way too much Toronto traffic and passing ten-dozen wineries around Lake Ontario, we finally arrived. The look of delight on Ray’s face at her first glimpse of the Falls might be forever seared into my brain. Fingers threaded, we walked along the pathway high above the water. Holding her hand made me feel like I could forget the conversation I’d overheard. Like it was just Ray and me. I couldn’t resist stopping and kissing her when we got to a turn in the walkway without many people. She simultaneously burned and soothed me. She still seemed like a dream. Like I might wake up and none of it would be real. Like my dull, colorless life would be all I had.
“Come on,” I said as I led her down to the boat area at our designated time.
Her eyes sparkled like sapphires in the afternoon sun. “You didn’t.”
“I did,” I said, flashing her a grin.
She squealed and threw her arms around my neck. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
We were still smiling as we boarded, hand in hand. Like I’d been told, despite our best efforts, we were generously soaked. The northern autumn breeze was cuttingly crisp. I drew Ray against me and she snuggled into my arms as if it was the only place in the world she belonged.
Our lips couldn’t seem to resist each other. Then I was drowning in her kisses and stroking her chilled, wind-brushed cheeks as her loose hairs tangled around us as intertwined as we were. Her mouth was hot and demanding, but given we were in public, we eventually broke away but kept each other’s gaze.
Maybe I still felt a bit lost, but being with Ray also made something warm and home-like spread through my chest. I couldn’t resist tucking her drenched, slightly knotted hair behind her ears and slipping her protectively back against my chest. I turned us toward the retreating Fall with a sigh on my lips. If there was a heaven, it must feel something like this.
As we climbed the ramp back toward the carpark, I tried to mask a yawn as I nestled deeper into my coat, but Charles caught it.
“Tired?” he asked quietly, concern flicking across his face.
He saw me.
I was.
We hadn’t gone to bed until late last night—Megan talked more than Gracie Mae, and we’d been up early to make this drive so we could be back before the banquet tonight. I tried to hide my exhaustion with a smile. The Falls had been devastatingly beautiful, the day magical. Charles had made today so special, and I didn’t want him to think I was bored.
“A little bit. Maybe we can grab a coffee before driving back.”
“Sure,” he said stepping forward and pulling me against his side and heat. “I had Megan get me a change of clothes for you too. Why don’t we change and go back? If you’re tired, you can nap on the way back to Er Jo Jo’s.”
I snuggled in as a blast of frigid wind whipped down the river, making me shiver. We both picked up our pace.
“No, I’d feel bad if you had to drive and I just slept,” I said. We looked at each other a moment and I turned my face into his shoulder. “Okay, maybe a little nap.”
He just squeezed my shoulder, making something close to love flutter through me. Charles really tried to understand what it was like for me. In dealing with my lupus, he had been thoughtful and kind, more than I’d ever hoped for in a friend or boyfriend. He and Dad were more patient with me than I was with myself. I nuzzled my face against his shoulder again, feeling grateful—feeling loved.
When we got in the car, changed and dry, I put my head down for a minute and woke to the stop-and-go of traffic. I smothered a yawn as I stretched and muttered, “How much longer?”
Charles jolted a little. I must have surprised him. “It’s only an hour-and-a half drive, but with this traffic, I think we have at least another thirty minutes.”
I nodded, even if he wasn’t looking at me. He seemed worried, and I hoped he wasn’t thinking he’d given up some school project for me.
I yawned again. “I’m still confused about what we’re going to. Is it a wedding? A reception? A dinner?”
He chuckled, his face softening. “John and Mei already had a wedding, but we have a huge family. My wàipó was the second youngest of seven, so these are my mom’s cousin’s children. But we do this banquet just to celebrate, eat, and get together as the entire family. And so they get the red envelopes—money is typically given to help them start their family. It’s tradition. And a whole lot of food.”
“If it’s just family, I don’t have to go. I could just do some homework or read at the house.”
He didn’t risk taking his eyes off the road but simply patted my leg. “It’s fine. Don’t you want to see Wàipó?”
“I do.”
“Good. Plus, I want you there. She isn’t—” he stammered. “She’s, um, Wàipó hasn’t been doing well. She lost her English and she called me and Marcus my uncle’s name last time.” His voice was brittle in a way I’d rarely heard from him.
I put my hand on his thigh. I didn’t have words. I was an accident, so my grandparents were younger than his parents. His mom had been in her forties when she’d had Charles, so Wàipó was somewhere in her seventies. It seemed early for Alzheimer’s, but it was as old as my great grandparents. It was still hard to believe; she’d always been so vibrant.
He took one hand off the wheel and threaded our fingers. “It’d mean a lot if you were there. She’s almost like a mom. You know how she lived with us for a long time when I was little. It’s hard to see her so fragile. I can’t imagine…” His voice broke, but I could guess what he would have said.
I kissed his shoulder before straightening in the seat. “I’ll be there. Charles, you’ve done so much for me. I’m glad I can do something, too.”
“Thanks, Ray.” He squeezed my fingers, and we rode in silence, our fingers intertwined until he needed two hands to get off the highway.
I was glad to support Charles, but I was still nervous later when I hopped into the shower and lathered my wind-tossed hair with extra conditioner before I rushed to get ready. Charles’s family had always been nice, but I’d always felt so ordinary next to him.
I fussed over my dress. Dad had helped me pick out a conservative but form-fitting Ferrari-red sleeveless one. I’d thought it might have been a little too bold. Yet Dad had assured me I wouldn’t be the only one in red, and it was a polite and respectful color to wear. When I strode into the hall, Charles was already dressed in a suit, his tie the exact shade of my dress. My breath caught at the sight of him all dressed up. He looked good—really good. The way he gazed at me said he felt the same.
“Wow,” he said. “That dress is something else. You look…” I stared up into his eyes, hoping it wasn’t too much. “You look gorgeous.”
We shared a brief smile that pinched my heart. Then he glanced down the hall and pulled me close for a quick, scorching kiss.
I touched his chiseled cheekbones and whispered, “I’m here,” before I turned to Megan’s room to grab my shoes. A few minutes later, we were piling into two cars, with Marcus driving us and the adults in the ot
her.
“Charles, I can’t believe your parents let you bring your girlfriend for the whole weekend,” Megan said from the passenger seat. “My mom never would have agreed.”
Charles chuckled. “I’m not sure she’s realized we’re dating.”
Megan turned around, eyes widening. “Really?”
We both nodded. “Ray is an old family friend,” Charles said. “And she did really want to see Niagara. And her dad did have an obligation this weekend.”
“Okay, but does she not see the way you look at each other? I’m kind of jelly. You two are cute together. You shouldn’t keep it a secret.”
“It’s not a secret,” Charles protested, threading his fingers through mine. “Mom just hasn’t caught on yet. And it’s not a cancerous cell, so Baba would never notice.”
“Am I going to be the only non-family member?” I asked, suddenly horrified.
Three maybes filled the car, and my stomach felt like it might revolt. Charles squeezed my fingers again, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. It was nice, but I felt almost like vomiting from anxiety. No way I could back out after Charles had asked me so emotionally to come.
But the nerves didn’t dissipate as we moved inside the beautiful banquet hall. Crimson—vibrant red roses, garnet chair and table covers, and scarlet paper decorations—filled the enormous space. There were also beautiful golden adornments, like the double happiness symbol, spread throughout. It was truly a humongous gathering, unlike anything I’d ever seen. Not only was I likely the only non-family member, I was clearly the only non-Asian too, and certainly the only blond. Charles and his family were all fairly tall, but still, with my near white-blond hair and high-heel-boosted height, I stood out. Or at least I thought I did. Dad hadn’t led me astray with my clothing, though. Many people were in shades of red, and most of the decorations were, too.