Isolde

by Irena Odoevtseva

“I don’t mind. I’ll drink this one.”

  He sat down beside her.

  “You know, I’ve been thinking about you for days, calling out to you in my mind. I’m so happy that you made it, that you’re not too late!” he was speaking quickly, in a rasping, hushed voice.

  “Not too late for what?” she wanted to ask, but fear stopped her.

  Andrei took her by the hand again.

  “Where have you been all this time?”

  “In the countryside. With Cromwell’s cousin.”

  Andrei registered no surprise.

  “Did you like it there?”

  Liza shook her head.

  “Not really.”

  He asked no more questions.

  He just said: “But you’ll have to go back to him in the end.”

  “Why?” she wanted to ask, but again she was too frightened.

  By now she had grown used to the closed shutters and the electric light. In essence, nothing had changed here, save that it was in greater disarray, dusty everywhere, and the air was stagnant and damp.

  Liza looked at the old familiar divan. How many evenings she had spent here, just like this—with Andrei, under this light. And Andrei was almost the same as he always was. Only he was a little thinner, a little more anxious. In essence, everything was very nearly the same as always; she was trying to convince herself, knowing that nothing was the same.

  “Liza,” said Andrei, pressing his cheek into her shoulder, “I’m so glad that you’ve come back, that you caught me in time.”

  He paused briefly. A twitch contorted his face.

  “What was that?” she thought, frightened. “Where did that come from? He never had that before.”

  Andrei closed his eyes.

  “I feel so calm with you here. I could sleep like this. You know, I hardly sleep now.”

  She stroked his hair.

  “Where’s Nikolai?”

  “He’s in Brussels.” Andrei lifted his face to hers. He was excited. “Brussels was splendid. We went to Ostend to try our luck. I had some luck at first, but then I lost everything. That’s when we went back to Brussels. Brussels is splendid.”

  “So why did you come back?”

  He cast a glance over his shoulder towards the door.

  “We left his coat here.”

  “Coat? What coat?”

  “His coat. We forgot to burn it. It might have been found. We burnt his suit, but we forgot the coat.”

  He held her tighter, as if wanting to protect her.

  “Don’t worry, they won’t do anything to you. You didn’t know anything.”

  She shook her head slowly.

  “It’s not me I’m worried about.”

  “When I left,” he hastened to continue, “Nikolai ran out of cash. He wanted to sell the pearls and that’s when they caught him. I read about it in the papers.”

  He paused for breath.

  “It’s all over now.”

  “It’s all over,” she repeated quietly, neither confirming nor questioning what he’d said.

  They sat at the table, holding each other closely. His head rested on her shoulder. After a sleepless night on the train, she wanted to lie down and stretch out. The electric light shining in her face was blinding.

  “Liza,” he said, squeezing her hand in his, “I should send you back to him right away, but I can’t. Please. Be kind to me. You’re my angel after all, my angel of solace. Stay with me today, until the last train.” He pressed his lips to her hand. “Unless you’re afraid, Liza?”

  She covered his mouth with her hand.

  “Hush. I’m not leaving you.”

  He leant over her and looked at her with his bright begging eyes.

  “You’ll stay with me until the evening? Do you promise?”

  “I promise.”

  His pale cheeks flushed pink. He got up and took down a guidebook from the sideboard, the same one that Cromwell had leafed through on the last night.

  “What’s the name of the station you need?”

  “Vieux Rouen.”

  The pages rustled.

  “The last train is at ten-thirty.”

  Andrei turned his anxious face towards her. His lips were spread in a smile. He looked at the clock.

  “It’s ten now, Liza. We have the whole day ahead of us, Liza. A whole day!”

  He was choking with excitement.

  “Just don’t think about anything. Forget about it all. We’re going to spend the whole day together!”

  He began pacing the room feverishly.

  “I’m sorry it’s such a mess here. You must think it’s a disgrace. And the light’s on, as if it were night-time. Hold on, I’ll make us comfortable.”

  He opened the windows, pushed open the shutters and switched off the light.

  The grey light of morning flooded the room. Andrei winced.

  “What a miserable rainy day! But wait…”

  He pulled the yellow silk curtains together and the light filtering through them became sunny and warm.

  “And here’s the sunshine! Can you see it? The sky is blue and the sun is out. Out there in the garden the lilacs are in full bloom and the larks are singing.” He spoke rapidly. “You can’t see it, because the curtains are drawn, but if we were to open them, it would get too hot.”

  He turned to look at Liza, smiling.

  “What a wonderful day it is today! It’s our day. We have to be happy and carefree.”

  Liza made herself comfortable on the divan.

  “That’s right, completely carefree. Come and sit with me. Today is just as wonderful as the day we first met. Do you remember it?”

  He sat down beside her.

  “Of course, I remember! You were wearing a white dress and your hair was down and your eyes were big and blue. I didn’t like you that much, you looked too much like a doll. We were playing tennis and the ball hit your breast and you cried out, and I thought I’m going to fall in love with this girl—and then I was angry with myself.”

  Liza smiled.

  All of a sudden she could believe in the sunshine and skylarks outside the window. She felt happy and carefree. There was nothing—no past, no present. Nothing but happy childhood memories.

  “It was a Thursday in September, in the Bois de Boulogne. I was twelve,” she interrupted him. “I liked you straight away. You were so serious. I even grew to respect Kolya when I realized he had friends like you.”

  But Andrei wanted to speak, too, to prove that he too hadn’t forgotten anything.

  “By the time I was first invited to your house, I was already in love with you.”

  They were sitting on the divan, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes, speaking over one another.

  “I thought that you lived in such luxury! You entertained me and served me hot chocolate, just like a little hostess. I was so embarrassed. And Jim almost bit me then!”

  “Jim? You remember Jim?”

  “Do you remember when I told you I loved you?”

  Liza raised her eyebrows.

  “Of course I remember! It was when Lindbergh landed, it was a Saturday in May.”

  “That’s right! It was so windy and everyone said that he’d break his neck, that he was a madman. We couldn’t get to Le Bourget, we had no money. We walked up and down the boulevards that night. You were so worried! And then do you remember what happened when the news spread that he’d landed, all the celebrations? I said, ‘Congratulations, Liza.’ Everybody was cheering, and so were we.”

  Liza smiled again.

  “Yes, we cheered so much!”

  “I was shouting, ‘I love you Liza’—and you heard me and you shouted, ‘I love you, too, Andrei.’ Do you remember? And that’s when we shared our first kiss. Do you remember?”

  “And the very next day we bought a huge portrait of Lindbergh and hung it over my bed, so I should always be reminded of you. How silly we were!”

  “Were? Aren’t we still silly?”


  Liza embraced him.

  “Well, yes, we’re just as silly now. And I love you just as much.”

  “I love you even more, Liza. You know, you’re the only one I’ve ever loved. It’s just that sometimes… How can I explain it?… Sometimes I wondered whether I hadn’t dreamt it all up—you and my love for you. As if you didn’t even exist. I would look at you, but I wouldn’t see or hear you. Do you understand me?”

  Liza frowned in concentration.

  “No, I don’t understand. How is that possible?”

  “I don’t understand it myself now. But it would happen so often back then. And I’d get so jealous!” He paused. “I was jealous of him,” he added quietly.

  She shook her head.

  “Don’t bring that up. Like you said, we’re just like we were back then. We’re so carefree, so happy. We’re such children.”

  “That’s right, we’re children. You’re twelve and I’m fourteen, and we’re playing at round-the-world adventure.”

  He was excited again.

  “Liza. We’re in China. How do you like this rice paddy?”

  Liza looked around.

  “I like it a lot. I like everywhere, so long as you’re with me. But this rice paddy needs a clean, and you, mister Chinaman, need to brush your hair.”

  She got up.

  “What about lunch? The Chinese like to eat, too.”

  “I won’t be a minute. We’ve only bread and cheese in the house. I shouldn’t go outside…”—a twitch contorted his cheek again.

  Liza interrupted him.

  “You don’t have to go outside. I’ll go and buy everything we need. Lay the table while I’m out. I have money.”

  Andrei held out fifty francs to her.

  “Here, take this as well. It’s all I have left, but I shan’t need it any more.”

  Liza slammed the door shut behind her and quickly made her way down the garden path.

  “How cold it is! It’s not summer at all. There aren’t any flowers or sunlight.”

  A grey cloudy sky sat low over the rooftops.

  At the corner, right beside their garden fence, she saw a moustachioed man wearing a black coat and a black bowler hat. He studied her intently.

  Her hands grew cold.

  “No, it’s nothing. It’s just someone out for a walk. Why shouldn’t he be walking here?”

  She passed him, her legs trembling. He didn’t seem to notice her.

  But when she left the shop, she found him standing in front of the window, closely inspecting a display of canned goods.

  The heavy shopping bag weighed her arm down. She glanced carefully over her shoulder. The moustachioed man was following her slowly.

  Hardly breathing, she ran up the porch steps and rang the doorbell. The door opened instantly.

  “So fast, Liza dear? You’re out of breath!”

  “I wanted to be home with you as quickly as possible.”

  Andrei took the bag from her hand.

  “There’s such a lot here! Wasn’t it difficult to carry?”

  She was still breathing heavily.

  “No, but I ran. It’s so nice in our home, but outside it’s cold and horrible.”

  “Did you see anyone?” he asked concernedly.

  Liza took off her coat.

  “No, no one. Oh no, wait, let me think… I did. I saw one cat and two rooks.”

  Andrei had managed to brush his hair and change into a new suit that Liza hadn’t seen before.

  Liza looked him up and down.

  “You’re so dapper, Andrei! Let’s go and have lunch.”

  The dining room was clean and tidy and the table had been laid. Andrei opened the shopping bag.

  “I’m glad you came back so quickly. Without you here, I felt frightened again.”

  Liza stroked his hair.

  “Don’t, don’t,” she said hastily. “Look what I’ve bought!”

  They sat at the table, facing one another, all the better to see each other.

  Liza served herself some chicken.

  “I’ve never eaten such delicious chicken before!”

  She raised her glass.

  “I’ve never drunk such delicious wine before!”

  “And I’ve never seen your smile so beautiful and your eyes so bright before!”

  She laughed, shaking her head. Her fair hair fell around her forehead.

  “It’s because I’m happy.” She paused to think. “You know, Andrei, I read somewhere that when Goethe was old, someone asked him how much of his life had been happy. He answered, ‘Seven minutes.’ I’ve been happy for four hours already, from the very second I set foot in here this morning. It’s enough to last a lifetime. Maybe it’s even too much.”

  She sighed.

  “This kind of happiness is hard to bear. It’s too much. You’re happy, too, aren’t you?”

  He nodded his head in silence. His face was turned to the window. His dark eyes shone brightly and his lips were drawn in a smile. Light fell across his blushing cheeks. It seemed as if they were glowing with happiness, strength and youth.

  “You’re so young!” she said with sadness.

  He laughed.

  “You’re two years younger than I am!”

  “That’s right, and I’ve always thought you were older, but now I can see that you’re still a boy. Pour me some more wine.”

  She smiled as she drank. Her head hung wearily.

  “Oh, I am so happy, so very happy,” she sighed.

  He leant across the table.

  “Are you tired?”

  She placed her arm on the table and laid her head on top of it.

  “Frightfully tired.”

  “You ought to lie down.”

  “No, no, I mustn’t sleep. I don’t want to miss a single moment. We have so little time left.”

  “You can lie down without going to sleep. Come, rest in bed.”

  He helped her to her feet.

  She spotted a blue envelope lying on top of the sideboard. She recognized Natasha’s handwriting.

  “I almost forgot—that letter’s for you.”

  Liza tore open the envelope.

  “My darling children,” she read, “take care of yourselves and study hard. I’ve lost a little bit of money here, so they won’t let me leave the hotel. But I’ll be back soon! If you’ve run out of money, Kolya is to go and ask Bunny, and I’ll…”

  Liza put the letter back on the sideboard without finishing it.

  The shutters in the bedroom were closed.

  “It’s nice in here, as dark as if it were night.”

  The fresh embroidered sheets radiated a cool white light on the low bed.

  “Did you make up the bed?” she asked him in a whisper.

  “I thought you might be tired after your journey,” he answered just as quietly.

  “I’ve never slept in this bed before.”

  “Lift up your arms.”

  Slowly, he took her dress off over her head.

  “Now give me your foot.”

  He kneeled in front of her.

  “No, wait, I need to wash.”

  “All right, but let’s go together.”

  Her bare shoulders glistened in the darkness. He put his arms around her.

  “How thin you are!”

  Liza opened the bathroom door and switched on the light.

  The bathroom looked the same as it had always done, and it had the same damp smell that it always had. “A damp, boggy, toady smell,” she remembered.

  She kept her eyes facing forward, trying not to look at the floor. What if there was still blood there? But the floor had been scrubbed clean and each of its grey tiles gleamed.

  Liza turned the tap and picked up the sponge. Water ran down her back and her arms. It was cold and tickled her. And she got a cold, ticklish, sad feeling in her chest. Liza shuddered from the cold and the sadness. Her ears were ringing and her head was spinning.

  “I’m drunk,” she thought, as she lath
ered her shoulders.

  Andrei was standing next to the small gas boiler.

  “See, it’s so simple.” His voice was very quiet. “You turn the gas on like this and leave the door open.”

  Panicked thoughts darted around her head. She felt afraid again. She pretended not to have understood.

  She passed him a towel.

  “Would you rub my back down?”

  He started drying her with the towel.

  “You’re ready.”

  They went back to the bedroom. Liza threw off her slippers and lay down on the wide bed. She moved over to the very edge. Blood kept throbbing in her ears.

  “You know, I’m drunk,” she said.

  “Don’t worry, it’ll soon pass.”

  Liza could hear him hurriedly undressing.

  “It’ll soon pass.”

  He pulled back the covers and lay down beside her. His knees brushed against her.

  “How thin you are!” he said again and placed his arms around her.

  She let out a deep sigh. His face leant over hers, his lips touched her lips. She wanted to get away, to break free.

  “Liza, why are you scared of me? Are you scared of me?” he whispered right into her ear.

  Frightened, she was trying desperately to fend him off.

  “Let go.”

  “Why are you scared of me? Were you scared of him too? And the other ones?”

  “I’ve never—”

  “What do you mean, never?” he interrupted her. “What about the night he spent with you? And this new one?”

  “I’ve never,” Liza said again, “not with anyone.”

  “You’re lying.” He let go of her, “but if you don’t want to, if you’re scared of me, then we don’t have to.”

  She put her arms around him.

  “You don’t believe me, Andrei? I love you. And I’m not scared at all.”

  He leant over her again.

  “Liza.”

  Now she was lying next to him, with her eyes closed. Through the ringing in her ears, she could hear his excited voice.

  “Liza, I’m so happy! You know, I was so tortured, I was so jealous. Liza, I’m so happy now.”

  She smiled at him, her eyes still closed.

  “I’m happy, too.” She wanted to tell him, to explain it all to him—all her life, all her love, but she just said: “I’m happy it happened today. With you.”

  “Liza, I’m so grateful to you. Now, I’m completely happy.”

  He was kissing her head, her hair, her breasts.