The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book
Page 21
PEPPER
If they’re so clever, what are they doing in the sea all day, just swimming and eating things and singing and oh my god I want to be a whale . . .
ADAM
Right. We’ll save the whales, then.
(beat)
All of them.
424EXT. THE WHALING SHIP KAPPAMAKI – DAY
A whaling ship goes past . . .
GOD (V.O.)
This is not a whaling ship. This is a scientific research ship. Currently what it is researching is the question: how many whales can it catch in a week?
CLOSE UP: a ship’s sonar or radar, green flashes, and the numbers on it are changing . . .
GOD (V.O.)
They are wondering about their instrument failure. They’ve seen no whales on the radar, no tuna, nothing bigger than an anchovy. And now the sea bottom appears to be dropping . . .
425INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE KAPPAMAKI – DAY
The captain is talking to the first mate in Japanese. (Subtitled.)
CAPTAIN
It’s impossible! It can’t be dropping! The sea bottom cannot be 6000 metres, here.
We hear sonar pinging noise, slowly going crazy.
FIRST MATE
No! It’s an instrument error. It’s rising again.
(happily)
It’s 1000 metres . . .
(less happily)
500 metres . . . one hundred metres . . . thirty metres . . .
Everything in the bridge lurches, and the view out of the window rises, as if the ship is rising up into the air . . .
GOD (V.O.)
Beneath the thunders of the upper deep, as Aziraphale and Tennyson both knew, Far, far beneath in the abyssal sea, The kraken sleepeth. And now it’s waking up.
426EXT. THE WHALING SHIP KAPPAMAKI – DAY
A long shot of the ocean, as if we are shooting it on a wobbly mobile phone: the kraken is rising, with the ship on top of it.
It’s a mass of writhing tentacles and undulating hugeness, like some kind of enormous tentacled manta ray, and it keeps rising, and we realise how incredibly tiny the ship is in comparison . . .
GOD (V.O.)
And a million sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
427INT. ADAM YOUNG’S HOME – DAY
Mr Young is watching the TV. The kraken shot that we’ve just seen is on it . . .
TV ANNOUNCER
Scientists have pronounced themselves baffled by the appearance of the enormous sea creature which the internet has begun to refer to as the kraken. It appears to be targeting whaling ships.
Mr Young looks at Mrs Young.
He looks down at the copy of New Aquarian Adam left behind, with the kraken on the cover.
428INT. HELL – A ROOM
A basement office in Hell. It’s a small, badly lit office with too many desks in it. We can’t properly see the huddled figures at each desk.
Something disgusting and gelatinous is dripping from a broken pipe onto the desk in the foreground. It’s collecting in a bucket on the desk.
Ligur lurks over to Hastur, who is standing at the desk, looking at the bucket.
LIGUR
I’ve been thinking. About Crowley. Something’s not right.
HASTUR
Look at this. I’m meant to be getting ready to go to Megiddo to meet the boy. It all starts in the morning. Instead, I’m standing here with a bucket, waiting for maintenance to fix another bloody pipe.
LIGUR
If we win, we’ll have the lovely view and the fancy offices, and the surviving angels can deal with the pipes and the buckets.
The bucket is full. Hastur tips the bucket out onto the ground. Green jelly drips out.
HASTUR
When we win. Not if. So. Crowley. What’s Mister Slick done now?
LIGUR
Not sure. I know it’s nothing good.
HASTUR
That’s all right then. He’s not meant to do good.
LIGUR
Figure of speech. Nothing bad, then.
Hastur is having trouble parsing this. He’s still holding the bucket.
HASTUR
Nothing bad. So he’s . . . not in trouble?
LIGUR
He’s definitely in trouble. Or he will be.
HASTUR
We going in, then?
LIGUR
Not yet. We need proof. But as soon as we’ve got it, he’s toast.
HASTUR
That’s got to hurt.
LIGUR
Being toasted? Oh yes.
HASTUR
(satisfied)
Toast. Right. Back to Armageddon, then.
A glob of green jelly drips from a pipe onto his paperwork.
429INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema’s phone alarm goes BING. She looks down at the reminder, checks a note card, then goes into the bathroom.
She comes back with bandages, a first-aid kit, and a bottle of aspirin. She lays them out on the table in an orderly fashion.
430EXT. TADFIELD OUTSKIRTS – DAY
Newt has started driving again. He seems a bit shaken.
431EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
Newt is driving down the road, when . . .
CLOSE UP on Tibetan 1, whose head pops up out of a hole, and seems alarmed that something is heading for him.
432EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
Adam and the Them hear a screech and a CRASH.
Newt’s Dick Turpin car is upside down. Wheels spinning.
The kids run to it. Adam pulls open the car door. Newt is hanging upside down . . .
Newt is semi-unconscious.
PEPPER
We should call an ambulance.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, I think we shouldn’t move him at all. Because of broken bones.
ADAM
He’s hurt. Come on. We should do something.
BRIAN
We should get him away from the car. It might blow up. They do that on telly.
Newt looks around blearily . . . Adam undoes the seat belt . . . Newt gets out . . .
NEWT
Dick Turpin won’t blow up. He’s a good car. I bet you’re wondering why I call my car Dick Turpin.
And he woozily half-faints. The kids start to help him walk. Adam glances over. The Tibetans look out of the hole at him, catch his eye and then, embarrassed, lower themselves down again.
433EXT. MEGIDDO – DAY
It’s peaceful and beautiful. There’s a jeep, or similar.
Beside it, Hastur, smoking a roll-up. Several junior demons behind him. One of them has a clipboard, and is trying to brief Hastur. Two others are checking maps and tablets. The same actor plays ALL the junior demons.
JUNIOR DEMON
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain, towards us. And then our forces, I thought ‘the Forces of Darkness’ was a bit long, so I’m calling us ‘Darkforce One’, we rise up, pushing through the earth, while the opposition descend from above . . .
HASTUR
(unimpressed, ignoring the demon)
So this is Armageddon.
JUNIOR DEMON
Well, that’s the Greek name for it. Technically, the fields of Megiddo. Yes. Archeological excavations over there, avocado fields that way.
HASTUR
They grow avocados here?
JUNIOR DEMON
Yes.
HASTUR
And the end of the world.
JUNIOR DEMON
We have a joke. We say, that’s going to be one big avocado.
Hastur grabs the junior demon by the throat. Crushing its windpipe.
HASTUR
I don’t like jokes. I don’t do jokes. And when people do jokes in my presence, they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues. No, tell a lie. It’s mostly me that swallows their tongues. More fun that way.
The junior demon tries to speak but can’t, just rolls on the ground, clutching its throat. Hastur looks at
it, unimpressed. It vanishes, and its footprints are smoking.
HASTUR (CONT’D)
Next!
Another junior demon picks up the junior demon’s fallen clipboard and steps forward.
HASTUR (CONT’D)
So what time do the boy and the hell-hound get here?
DEMON 2
About twenty minutes. The ambassador is here for a photo op with the ruins of the old temple. When they get here, our master’s son will come into his own.
HASTUR
What’s a photo op? Is it another joke?
DEMON 2
No, your disgrace. It’s . . . Well, you know what a selfie is?
Hastur doesn’t, and glares at him.
DEMON 2 (CONT’D)
I believe the demon Crowley invented them.
A beat, then Hastur is angry.
Where Demon 2 was is just a smoking torso and a fallen clipboard.
Demon 3 steps forward, hesitantly, picks up the clipboard.
DEMON 3
(gabbles a bit)
When all is ready, the boy and the dog and the Four Horsemen will converge here. And the boy will give the word. And Armageddon will begin.
HASTUR
One big avocado.
(He makes a terrible laughing noise)
Funny.
434EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
The Them are manhandling the semi-unconscious Newt up the garden path . . . Anathema comes out to watch them.
ADAM
Anathema! We found a man! He was in a car accident!
ANATHEMA
I know. Bring him inside.
The boys walk Newt into the house.
435INT. JASMINE COTTAGE KITCHEN – DAY
Anathema picks up her first-aid kit. Pepper looks at Anathema, with all the bandages etc. laid out all ready. Pepper puts her head on one side. Dog is hanging around.
PEPPER
It’s almost like you were expecting him.
ANATHEMA
I was. But I was hoping he’d be a bit more . . .
PEPPER
Hunky?
ANATHEMA
I think that’s a bit sexist.
PEPPER
It’s not sexist to describe our male oppressors as hunky . . . My mum says.
ANATHEMA
I was hoping he wouldn’t come. If he didn’t turn up . . . maybe none of it was real. But if he’s here, then the Beast is real.
PEPPER
You mean Dog?
Anathema shakes her head and scratches Dog’s ears. The boys come back . . .
BRIAN
He’s asleep, Anathema.
Adam is looking around as if he can hear something. Anathema has some of her workings on the wall of the kitchen, and Adam finds himself staring at the picture of the Great Beast, the Antichrist, a demonic monster on Anathema’s notice board.
ANATHEMA
He won’t wake up for half an hour. Would you kids like some sandwiches?
WENSLEYDALE
I have a very nutritious lunch waiting at home. My mother likes me to come home with an appetite.
PEPPER
Bye, Anathema. You coming Adam?
ADAM
I didn’t say you could go.
A beat. Everyone stares at him. Then he grins.
ADAM (CONT’D)
See you after lunch.
The kids walk off.
436EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
Pepper, Brian and Wensley are walking down the lane.
BRIAN
Adam’s different.
PEPPER
Don’t be wet.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, that’s why we like him. He’s not boring.
BRIAN
You know what I mean. You must do.
PEPPER
He’s Adam. He comes up with all the best games and the best ideas.
BRIAN
But something’s changed. He’s not the same any more. Can I say something stupid without you thinking it’s stupid . . .?
PEPPER
No. If you say something stupid, I’ll think it’s stupid.
WENSLEYDALE
I won’t think you’re stupid, Brian.
BRIAN
I was scared he wouldn’t let us go, just then.
PEPPER
That’s stupid . . .
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, I felt that too. And I think you did as well, Pepper.
They turn a corner.
It ought to be innocent and sweet. Adam’s waiting for them, standing in the middle of the road, with Dog beside him.
Then Adam smiles. And it’s scary.
437INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM
Anathema steps into the bedroom, with a small tray, on it a glass of water and some aspirin, and checks the clock. Looks down at Newt and shakes her head a little. She’d been hoping for something better. She’s also counting down . . .
Newt is unconscious on the bed. He opens his eyes, groggily. NEWT’s POV – the room slides into focus. And there seems to be someone at the end of the bed.
ANATHEMA
How are we feeling?
Newt looks around the room, puzzled and dazed.
NEWT
Is my car all right?
ANATHEMA
Apparently. You banged your head. Nothing broken, though.
NEWT
I swerved to avoid Tibetans in the road. At least, I think I did. I’ve probably gone mad.
ANATHEMA
If you have, no one’s going to notice. You’re twenty minutes late.
Newt raises his head, puzzled, then falls unconscious again. Anathema shrugs.
438EXT. MEGIDDO – DAY
A black limo draws up, with a jeep behind it with armed soldiers in it.
The limo door opens: the American ambassador to the UK, Mr Dowling, gets out, with Harriet, his wife, alongside a GOVERNMENT GUIDE and, behind them, Warlock. Warlock looks bored.
The Dowlings look around. An argument is still being conducted sotto voce.
HARRIET DOWLING
Honey, I’m still not clear on what we’re doing here.
TAD DOWLING
This is life as a diplomat. One moment you’re in London, the next, we’re familially interfacing with Israeli archaeological sites on a historical fact-finding vacation.
HARRIET DOWLING
But it doesn’t make any sense.
TAD DOWLING
You don’t argue with the State Department, hon.
HARRIET DOWLING
Is this because I said the President’s wife looked like a floozie? Because I never said that.
GUIDE
And this is our local guide to the archaeological site of Megiddo – Mister . . .
And it’s Hastur. Who is not going to let anyone else upstage him.
HASTUR
I’m Hastur . . . La Vista . . . I’m an archaeologist . . . which one of you is the ambassador?
TAD DOWLING
Thaddeus Dowling, at your service, my wife Harriet . . .
But Hastur has ignored him, and the proffered handshake, and made straight for Warlock.
HASTUR
An honour! You must be Warlock.
WARLOCK
You smell like poo.
HASTUR
Funny boy. Always love a good joke, me. I’ve heard a lot about you.
WARLOCK
I’ve heard you smell like poo.
But Hastur has noticed something . . .
HASTUR
. . . Where’s the dog?
TAD DOWLING
So, Professor La Vista. I understand from our briefing that Tel Megiddo was part of Tiglath-Pileser’s administrative centre. The Assyrian kings fascinate me . . .
HASTUR
You. Shut up. Where’s the dog? Why doesn’t the boy have a dog?
(to Warlock)
Do you hear voices? What are they saying? What are they telling you?
WARLOCK
&
nbsp; The voices . . . in my head all say . . . that you smell like poo.
Hastur bites his fist in anger. It bleeds black blood.
439INT. A CINEMA – DAY
Crowley is sitting alone, in a run-down cinema. The lights are out and a film is on. We can hear Carl Stalling-style cartoon music.