The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book
Page 28
CROWLEY
Aren’t you meant to be lining up, ready for battle around now?
HASTUR
Hell will not forget. Hell will not forgive. You’re done. Do you think you can get across that? That’s not Hellfire. That’s the real deal. There’s nowhere to go.
Crowley sighs. The car keeps moving forward . . .
CROWLEY
Let’s find out.
HASTUR
Why are you driving? Stop this thing.
CROWLEY
You know, the thing I like best about time, is that every day it takes us further away from the fourteenth century. I really didn’t like the fourteenth century. You would have loved it, then. They didn’t have cars back in the fourteenth century. Lovely clever human people, inventing cars and motorways and windscreen wipers. You’ve got to hand it to them, haven’t you?
He guns the engine. They start heading along the hard shoulder, past the stopped cars, faster and faster.
HASTUR
Stop this. It’s over. You’re doomed. Whatever happens, you’re doomed.
CROWLEY
Then I’ll never have to fill out another compliance report again, will I? See? The day’s already got better.
HASTUR
Is that a joke? You know I don’t like jokes.
Crowley slams the Bentley forward: he drives around the police roadblack and heads into the curtain of fire . . .
In the car, everything is starting to smoke.
548EXT. THE WALL OF FLAMES – STORM, DAY
The Bentley drives into the glow of the M25.
549INT. BENTLEY – STORM, DAY
Hastur, in the front seat, looks down at his hands and he realises they are burning . . . He’s BURSTING INTO FLAMES.
HASTUR
Stop it. You’ll discorporate us both!
Crowley starts to laugh. Everything in the car is filling with smoke.
HASTUR (CONT’D)
This isn’t funny.
CROWLEY
Come on! If you’ve got to go, then go with style.
Crowley drives deep into the flames.
Crowley just grins. He’s holding it together. Hastur’s burning . . . Everything is burning . . . Hastur can’t take it. Crowley is holding it together by effort of will.
HASTUR
I hate you.
And Hastur is gone.
550INT. BENTLEY – IN FLAMES – STORM, DAY
Inside the Bentley, everything is now burning. Crowley’s concentrating, hard . . .
CROWLEY
You . . . are my car. I’ve had you from new. And you are not . . . going to burn . . . Don’t even think of it . . .
And inside the car, the flames subside and vanish. Crowley’s all messed up: smudges of soot on his face, his hair a mess, his suit interestingly ripped.
His sunglasses are gone.
He reaches out and turns on the car stereo. It’s loud and pounding music.
Everyday, it’s a gettin’ closer . . .
GOD (V.O.)
Crowley has something no other demons have, especially not Hastur. An imagination. Right now he is imagining that he is just fine, and that a ton of burning metal, rubber and leather is a fully functioning car. He’d started the journey in his Bentley and he was damned if he wasn’t going to finish it in his Bentley as well.
551EXT. POLICE ROADBLOCK ON M40 – STORM, DAY
Beyond the flames . . . on the other side of the burning M25 are our old friends, Officers Fred and Julia . . .
OFFICER FRED
The boffins are on the way. But in the meantime, nothing’s getting out of London.
OFFICER JULIA
Are you sure about that?
Because coming towards us is the Bentley. It’s in flames. And then it’s gone up the motorway . . .
Fred and Julia stare in shock.
OFFICER FRED
That’s, um . . .
OFFICER JULIA
Right now, that’s someone else’s problem.
OFFICER FRED
He was waving.
552EXT. M40 MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
The drums and heavy metal guitars of Hell continue to pound as we see Crowley, a crazed speed demon driving a burning car . . .
CUT TO:
553EXT. HOGBACK WOOD – RED SKY, DAY
Adam is still floating in the air. His friends are on the ground. His eyes are a bit glowy.
ADAM
I’m . . . I’m sorry I made you all shut up. I’m going to make it so you can talk again. And we’ll play a game.
CUT TO:
554EXT. THE MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
Motorbikes, driving in the storm down an empty motorway. We hear the roar of engines, and the storm. And they come . . .
In the front is Death. Then War.
Then Famine.
Then, moments later, Pollution.
And then it gets quiet. Unearthly quiet.
555EXT. THE SKY ABOVE HOGBACK WOOD – RED SKY, DAY
We hear SCREAMING. We are looking at Adam smiling.
Pull back to realise that Adam is floating high in the air.
ADAM
But this is a good game!
Pull back further to see that the other three are also several hundred feet above the ground. And they aren’t enjoying it. They are terrified.
PEPPER
NO! Adam Young! Put us DOWN.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, now.
BRIAN
I don’t like this.
ADAM
I was going to show you the whole world. I’m going to make you happy!
PEPPER
Down! Now!
They crash to earth. Adam floats down.
They don’t know what’s happening.
ADAM
Come on. We’ll still be friends. When all the people have gone. You can rule the world that’s left. Wensley, you’ll get America. And Pepper, you can have Asia and Russia. Brian, you get Europe and Africa . . . and Dog, you can have Australia. To run about in. See? And I’ll make new people and you can tell them what to do and armies that fight each other, and, and . . .
Dog howls sadly . . .
Pepper squats to stroke Dog.
PEPPER
So we’d rule the world. But what about you, Adam?
ADAM
What?
PEPPER
What bit are you going to have?
Adam looks taken aback.
ADAM
Tadfield. From Hogback Wood to the Dip and from the Old Quarry up to the pond. I’ll be here . . . same as always . . .
WENSLEYDALE
On your own?
ADAM
. . . I don’t want to go anywhere else.
PEPPER
And this is our Hogback Wood too. We don’t want to go to America or Asia.
Dog makes a whining noise that sounds a bit like ‘or Australia’.
ADAM
You will do as I say.
PEPPER
Or what? You’ve already taken our mouths and frozen us here. We can’t get away.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, he could kill us.
PEPPER
Yes. You could do that.
ADAM
You aren’t frozen any more. You can go anywhere you want. See? And you can talk. I don’t care where you go.
Pepper considers this.
PEPPER
Goodbye, Adam.
BRIAN
Goodbye, Adam.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, yes. Goodbye, Adam.
ADAM
What do you mean, ‘Goodbye’?
The three Them begin to trudge away. Adam watches them go, and then floats after them.
PEPPER
Stop following us.
ADAM
I’m not following you.
PEPPER
We aren’t your friends any more. We don’t like you.
ADAM
I don’t care.
/>
But he does. That struck deep.
BRIAN
So what happens to us, Adam? Do we get to die now along with everyone else? Or are you going to kill us first?
Adam doesn’t say anything. He stops following them.
And then the coup de grace. Dog is following the Them. Adam watches them go.
ADAM
Dog! Come back! DOG!
But Dog runs on with the kids.
We hear the satanic voices whispering, trying to repair this.
WHISPERY VOICES
(whispering)
Let them go. You have the world. You have the power. You have the glory.
556EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE GREEN – RED SKY, DAY
The three terrified children are running across the village green, with Dog running with them.
There’s a CRASH, and Adam is hanging in space above the green in front of them. He’s really angry.
And we see a hundred emotions chasing themselves across his face. And then, racked with emotion, he says . . .
ADAM
Give me back my dog.
PEPPER
He’s not your dog. He’s his own dog. And I don’t think he likes you any more.
WENSLEYDALE
You’re really scary. And you aren’t our friend.
BRIAN
You’re not anybody’s friend. You’re going to burn all this away. Why? Because some adults mucked things up? That’s a reason to fix it. Not destroy it.
And Dog yaps at Adam.
We close in on Adam’s face – he looks from one of his former gang to the other, in increasing panic. He’s getting upset . . . the cocky Antichrist is being replaced by a small, scared boy, who has just lost the thing that was most important to him. His gang.
ADAM
Come back . . . Please?
And the Them just shake their heads. Even Dog shakes his head.
Adam convulses, floating in the air, throws himself into a pose that’s half Superman and half Crucifixion, and he SCREAMS. It’s a superhuman, echoing scream . . .
SHOTS of Newt and Anathema, of Mr and Mrs Young, people in Tadfield, looking up and HEARING SOMETHING . . .
Hogback Wood SHAKES as the child screams . . .
Adam drops to the earth. He’s not floating in space. His eyes aren’t glowy. He’s unconscious.
Brian nervously picks up a cricket bat someone has thoughtfully left on the green, and raises it over Adam’s head. He’s going to hit him.
PEPPER
Quick! Before he starts again!
Dog goes over to Adam and starts to lick his face. Pepper notices this.
She shakes her head at Brian. Brian lowers the cricket bat slowly.
Adam opens his eyes . . . The GLOW HAS GONE.
ADAM
I’m . . . I’m sorry . . . I wasn’t . . . I don’t think I was thinking straight . . . but I am now . . .
Adam gets to his feet.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Friends?
He puts out his hand, facing down. The others look at him, hesitantly. Then Pepper walks back, reaches out her hand, puts it on top of his.
Then Wensleydale’s hand goes down on Pepper’s. Then Brian’s on Wensleydale’s. They’re a gang.
557EXT. CROUCH END HIGH STREET – STORM, DAY
Madame Tracy and Shadwell, on the motorscooter, are puttering incredibly slowly through the streets of London.
SHADWELL
Can ye no slow this hellish contraption down, woman?
Shadwell is holding on to his thundergun and wobbling slightly with every movement.
MADAME TRACY
Mr Shadwell, if you don’t hold on to me tightly, you’ll fall off, and I can’t be held responsible.
SHADWELL
Let me adjust my weapon then.
Madame Tracy giggles at this. Shadwell looks miserable. He puts an arm around her. She reaches around and yanks it so that he is actually hugging her, the Thundergun between them.
558INT. JASMINE COTTAGE – RED SKY, DAY
Anathema is in the kitchen. She’s putting together a basket of things they might need to save the world, including her cards and the breadknife.
Newt comes running in . . .
NEWT
I’ve got it.
ANATHEMA
Oh yes?
NEWT
If Agnes tells you what to do . . . and we have to get this right . . . then you need to just pick a card. Any card.
ANATHEMA
Don’t be silly.
NEWT
I’m not. I’ve had a good idea for the first time in my whole life.
ANATHEMA
I’m not following you.
NEWT
Well, if Agnes is right, and we’re doing all this because she’s predicted it, then any card picked right now has got to be the relevant one. That’s logic.
ANATHEMA
It’s nonsense.
NEWT
You’re here because Agnes predicted it. You say I’m here because she predicted it. Pick a card. Any card.
Anathema gives him a look. She knows this is crazy, but . . .
NEWT (CONT’D)
‘When the skies are crimson seen . . .’ – well, she got that bit right – ‘ . . . then ye both must stand between the world of life and the world of war, where the iron bird lands no more.’ See?
ANATHEMA
It could be talking about us. The iron bird lands no more . . .
NEWT
I guess an iron bird could be a plane. But where don’t they land?
ANATHEMA
There’s an American airforce base outside of town. They don’t land planes there any more. I met some of the guys who work there in the village pub. But why would we go there? All they’ve got left in there is communications technology. Computers and stuff. Nothing explosive at all . . .
(and then she realises what she’s said)
Oh my god.
559EXT. A LONDON STREET – STORM, DAY
The scooter is going very verrrrry slowly down the road.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Dear lady. How fast would you say this contraption is currently moving? Because it seems to me we could make better time walking . . .
MADAME TRACY
It doesn’t go very fast when it’s just carrying me. It would take a miracle to get past ten miles an hour.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Miracles. Yes. Right. Hold on extremely tightly, Sergeant Shadwell, if you’d be so kind.
Madame Tracy’s face. She’s grimacing as she performs her miracle.
The scooter wobbles. A blue light surrounds it, then it rises, rather gracefully, until it’s a few feet above the ground.
And, oddly, it seems to be moving backwards . . .
And then we hear a loud TWANG, as if a pulled-back elastic band were released . . .
And the scooter goes into a Star Trek/Star Wars-style zoom forwards while everything else becomes lines . . .
And we can see Madame Tracy enjoying it, while Shadwell is closing his eyes and shuddering . . .
560EXT. POLICE ROADBLOCK ON M40 – STORM, DAY
A HANDFUL OF SCIENTISTS have joined Officers Fred and Julia.
The scientists have some fancy machines, hooked up to laptops, and are scanning the M25. Some of them also have satellite views of the M25 on their laptops, and we can see it’s glowing . . .
TWO OF THE SCIENTISTS are telling off Officers Fred and Julia.
SCIENTIST 1
Everything you are telling us is ridiculous. The temperature immediately above the M25 right now is somewhere in excess of 750 degrees . . .
SCIENTIST 2
Or minus a hundred and fifty.
SCIENTIST 1
Or minus 150. It’s probably just a mechanical error. The point is, we can’t even get a helicopter over the M25 without winding up with helicopter McNuggets. So how in hell could a vintage car drive over it unharmed?
OFFICER FRED
I never said it was unharmed.
SCIENTIST 1
You said the driver waved at you.