The Chaplain of the Fleet
Page 20
CHAPTER IV.
HOW KITTY WENT TO HER FIRST BALL.
If I were to write all that Nancy said on Saturday afternoon it wouldfill a volume; and if I were to write down all that we four said aboutmy dress for the Monday ball, it would take four volumes at least, sonimbly ran our tongues. It was determined, however, that the purplefrock should be put in hand at once, with ribbons and everything tocorrespond; but that for this occasion, as time pressed, we would takemy best frock, a new white satin, never before worn. Mrs. Bergamotwould dress me, and the hairdresser was engaged for two o'clock.
"Everything," said Nancy, "depends upon the first impression. Alreadythe world is agog to see the beautiful Miss Pleydell dressed. As forme, my dear, nobody noticed my first appearance at all. And yet Ithought I looked very nice. To be sure, a person of my inches cannotexpect to command attention. I am feeling my way, however, and though Iam little, my tongue is sharp. After Monday we will have our court, youand I, to ourselves. The men will be at our feet, and Peggy may lie allon a rock deploring."
I asked her afterwards how she could speak so openly before thismilliner, who would probably tell all the town what she had said.
"My dear," she replied sharply, "your Nancy is not altogether a goose,and she knows what she is doing. Mrs. Bergamot is a most trustworthyperson. I quite rely upon her. I have never known her fail in herduties as town-crier. She will spread it abroad that you have brought ahundred guineas and more to spend in frocks and things; she will telleverybody that you have ordered a purple velvet in the first fashion;she will not fail to repeat that you and I together mean to lead thecompany at the Wells; she will probably tell Peggy that she may go andsit on a rock deploring; and she will inform Miss Lamb of Hackney thather shoulders are skinny. They cannot hate us worse than they do,therefore we will make them fear us."
What a little spitfire was this Nancy of mine!
To the religious and the sober, Sunday is a day of serious meditationas well as of rest: to me, the Sunday before the ball was a day of suchworldly tumult as should afford ample room for repentance in theselater years. Unhappily, we repent but seldom of these youthful sins.Yet, when we went to church, the organ seemed to play a minuet, thehymns they sang might have been a hey or a jig in a country dance, andthe sermon of the preacher might have been a discourse on the pleasuresand enjoyments of the world, so rapt was my mind in contemplation ofthese vanities.
The service over, we walked out through a lane of the godless men whohad not gone to church. Nancy came after me very demure, carrying herPrayer-book, her eyes cast down as if rapt in heavenly meditation. Buther thoughts were as worldly as my own, and she presently found anopportunity of whispering that Peggy Baker had thrown glances of thegreatest ferocity from her pew at herself and me, that Mrs. Bergamothad already spread the news about, and that the concourse of men atthe door of the sacred place was entirely on my account. "If it wasnot Sunday," she added, "and if it were not for the crowd around us, Ishould dance and sing."
* * * * *
The time for opening the ball was six, at which time dancing began,and was continued until eleven, according to the laws wisely laid downby that public benefactor and accomplished Amphitryon, Mr. Nash, whoeffected so much improvement for Bath and Tunbridge that his ruleswere adopted for all other watering-places. Before his time therewere no fixed hours or fixed prices, the laws of precedence werebadly observed, the gentlemen wore their swords, and disputes, whichsometimes ended in duels, were frequent and unseemly. Now, however,nothing could be more orderly than the manner of conducting theentertainment. The charge for admission was half-a-crown for gentlemen,and one shilling for ladies; no swords were permitted, and the ballwas opened by the gentleman of the highest rank in the room. At Epsom,a country squire or a city knight was generally the best that could beprocured, whereas at Bath an earl was not uncommon, and even a duke wassometimes seen.
My hairdresser, who was, on these occasions, engaged from six o'clockin the morning until six in the evening, was fortunately able to giveme half an hour at two o'clock, so that I had not more than fourhours or so to sit without moving my head. This was a very happycircumstance, many ladies having to be dressed early in the morning,so that for the whole day they could neither walk about nor move forfear of the structure toppling over altogether. Mrs. Bergamot herselfdressed me. I wore my white satin frock over a great hoop with fine newpoint-lace for tuckers; my kerchief and ruffles were in lace, and I hadon a pearl and coral necklace, presented to me by Mrs. Esther, who wascontented to wear a black ribbon round her neck in order that I mightgo the finer. As for herself, she wore a rich brocade, which greatlybecame her and made her look like a countess.
"Nay, child," she said, "not a countess, but like a gentlewoman, ashath ever been my simple ambition, and the daughter of a great Londonmerchant."
But to think that in every house in Epsom there was one girl, at least,or perhaps two, who were spending as much time and thought as myselfupon the decoration of our persons for this ball! And what chance had Iof distinction among so many fine women of less rustic breeding?
"She will do, Mrs. Bergamot, I think," said Mrs. Esther.
"Madam," replied the dressmaker, who no doubt considered it part ofher business to flatter her customers, "Madam, I dare swear that therehath not appeared--I do not say at Epsom alone, but at Tunbridge and atBath--so beautiful a creature in the memory of man. Mr. Walsingham, whoremembers all the beauties for fifty years, declares that Miss Kittysurpasses all. Straight as a lance, madam, and shapely as a statue,with such a face as will deal havoc and destruction among the men."
Mrs. Esther nodded her head and laughed. Then she shook her head andlooked grave.
"We must not become vain, Kitty," she said. "Beauty is but skin-deep;it fades like the flowers: think only of virtue and goodness, whichnever fade. And yet, child, thou art young: thou art beautiful: behappy in the sunshine, as is meet. Thank Heaven for sunshine!"
She pressed my hand in hers, and the tears rose to her eyes. Was shethinking of her own youth, which had been so unhappy?
When Mrs. Bergamot left us, she confessed to me that, like me, she hadbeen in a strange agitation of spirit at the contemplation of thisassembly.
"It is thirty years," she said, "since I have been in a gay crowd. Ithought that such a thing as the sight of youth and happiness wouldnever come to me again. And to think that, after all these years,I should go back to the very room where, in 1720, amid a crowd ofadventurers, speculators, and gamblers, who were going to ruin us all,I attended my last ball!"
This was while we were waiting for the chairs.
"I think," she went on, in her soft voice, which was like the ripplingof a stream, "that my child will do credit to herself. I am glad thatyou have kept your neck covered, my dear. I would rather see you gomodest than fine. I hope that Lady Levett will be there before us.In such cases as this the sight of a friend gives us, as it were, anencouragement: it is like a prop to lean against. I hope the chairswill not be late. On the other hand, one would not, surely, arrivetoo early. My dear, I am trembling all over. Are you sure you haveforgotten none of your steps? Ah! if no one were to ask you to dance, Ishould die of shame and mortification! But they will--oh! they will. MyKitty is too beautiful to sit among the crowd of lookers-on."
Here came Cicely, running to tell us that the chairs were below, andthat the men swore they could not wait.
"A minute--one minute only. Dear, dear, how quick the girl is! Cicely,take one last look at Miss Kitty. Do you think, child, she has goteverything, and is properly dressed?"
"Quite properly, madam. No lady in the assembly will shine like MissPleydell."
"Good girl. And, Cicely, if you see that anything is wanting in mydress, do not scruple to tell me. Young eyes are sometimes quicker thanold ones."
"Nothing, madam. Your ladyship is dressed in the fashion."
Then the chairmen, who, like all their tribe, were unmannerly fellows,bellowed that t
hey would wait no longer, and we descended the stairs.One would have been ashamed to confess the fact, but it actuallywas the very first time I had ever sat in a chair. The shaking wasextremely disagreeable, and one could not, at the beginning, feelanything but pity for the poor men who made their living by carryingabout the heavy bodies of people too fine or too lazy to walk. However,that feeling soon wore off: just as the West Indian and Virginianplanters learn by degrees to believe that their negro slaves like towork in the fields, are thankful for the lash, and prefer digging undera hot sun to sleeping in the shade.
We arrived at the Assembly Rooms a few minutes before six. The roomswere already crowded: the curtains were drawn, and the light of dayexcluded. But in its place there was a ravishing display of waxcandles, arranged upon the walls on sconces, or hanging from theceiling. The musicians in the gallery were already beginning, as istheir wont, to tune their instruments, twanging and blowing, just as apreacher begins with a preliminary hem.
My eyes swam as I surveyed the brilliant gathering; for a moment I heldMrs. Esther by the wrist, and could say nothing nor move. I felt likean actress making her appearance for the first time upon the stage,and terrified, for the moment, by the faces looking up, curious andcritical, from the crowded pit and glittering boxes.
At that moment Lady Levett arrived with her party. I think Sir Robertsaw our distress and my guardian's anxiety to appear at her ease, forhe kindly took Mrs. Esther by the hand, and led her, as if she werethe greatest lady in the assembly, to the upper end, while Nancy and Ifollowed after.
"O Kitty!" she whispered; "there is no one half so beautiful as you--noone in all the room! How the men stare! Did they never see a prettywoman before? Wait in patience for a little, ye would-be lovers, tillyour betters are served. Peggy Baker, my dear, you will burst withenvy. Look! Here she comes with her courtiers."
In fact, Miss Baker herself here appeared with her mother, surroundedby three or four gentlemen, who hovered about her, and she languidlyadvanced up the room.
She came straight to us, and, after saluting Lady Levett and Mrs.Esther, held out her hand to Nancy and curtseyed to me.
"You look charming to-night, dear Miss Nancy. That frock of yours--oneis never tired of it."
"And you--oh, dear Miss Peggy!"
Nancy turned white, because her frock was really rather an old one.
"It is good wearing stuff," said Miss Peggy. "Yet I had thought thatmode gone out."
"So it had, my dear," said Nancy sharply; "and I believe it went outfive seasons ago. That is longer than I can recollect. But it has comeback again. Fashions do revive, sometimes."
This was a very ill-natured thing to say, and made poor Miss Peggywince and colour, and she did not retaliate, because, I suppose, shecould think of nothing to say.
Then old Mr. Walsingham, who had constituted himself the director ofthe ceremonies, appeared. He was dressed in the most beautiful crimsonsilk coat, lined with white, and purple waistcoat, and he came slowlyup the hall, with a gentleman whose bearing was as great as his own,but whose years were less.
"It is young Lord Chudleigh," whispered Peggy Baker, fanning herselfanxiously. "He has come from Durdans with his party."
Lord Chudleigh!
Heavens! To meet in such a manner, in such a place, my own husband!
"What is the matter, Kitty dear?" asked Nancy. "You turned quite pale.Bite your lips, my dear, to get the colour back."
"It is nothing. I am faint with the heat and the lights, I suppose. Donot take notice of me."
Peggy Baker assumed an air of languor and sensibility, which, thoughextremely fine, was perhaps over-acted.
"Lord Chudleigh," she said, "is of course the person of the highestdistinction in the room. He will invite, I presume, Lady Levett to openthe ball with the first minuet. If Lady Levett declines, he will befree to select another partner."
In fact, Mr. Walsingham conducted Lord Chudleigh to Lady Levett, andpresented him to her. Her ladyship excused herself on the ground thather dancing days were over, which was of course expected. His lordshipthen said a few words to Mr. Walsingham, who nodded, smiled, andconducted him to the little group composed of Nancy, Peggy Baker, andmyself. But he presented his lordship--to me!
"Since," he said, while the room went round with me, "since Lady Levettwill not condescend to open the ball with your lordship, I beg topresent you to Miss Kitty Pleydell, who appears to-night, for the firsttime, at our assembly; and, I am assured, for the first time in anyassembly. My lord, the sun, when he rises in splendour, dims the lightof the moon and stars. Miss Kitty, I would I were fifty years younger,that I might challenge this happy young gentleman for the honour of thedance."
Then Lord Chudleigh spoke. I remembered his voice: a deep shame fellupon my soul, thinking where and how I had heard that voice before.
"Miss Pleydell," he said, bowing low, "I humbly desire the honour ofopening the ball with you."
It was time to rally my spirits, for the eyes of all the company wereupon us. There was only one thing to do--to forget for the moment whatwas past, and address myself to the future.
I can look back upon the evening with pride, because I remember howI was able to push away shame and remembrance, and to think, for themoment, about my steps and my partner.
Twang, twang, twang, went the fiddles. The conductor raised his wand.The music crashed and rang about the room.
"Courage, Kitty!" whispered Nancy. "Courage! Think you are at home."
The hall was cleared now, and the people stood round in a triplecircle, watching, while my lord, his hat beneath his arm, offered mehis hand, and led me into the middle of the room.
The last things I observed as I went with him were Mrs. Esther, wipingaway what looked like a little tear of pride, and Peggy Baker, withred face, fanning herself violently. Poor Peggy! Last year it was shewho would have taken the place of the most distinguished lady in thecompany!
They told me afterwards that I acquitted myself creditably. I _would_not permit myself to think under what different circumstances that handhad once before held mine. I would not break down before the eyes of somany people, and with Peggy Baker standing by, ready to condole with meon my discomfiture. But I could not bring myself to look in the face ofmy partner: and that dance was accomplished with eyes down-dropped.
Oh! it was over at last; the dance which was to me the most anxious,the most delightful, the most painful, that ever girl danced in allthis world! And what do you think strengthened my heart the while? Itwas the strangest thing: but I thought of a certain verse in a certainold history, and I repeated to myself, as one says things when one istroubled:
"Now the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained graceand favour in his sight: so that he set the royal crown upon her head."
"Child," whispered Mrs. Esther, her face aglow with pleasure and pride,"we are all proud of you."
"Kitty," said Lady Levett, who was more critical, because she knew moreof the polite world, "you acquitted yourself creditably. Next time, donot be afraid to look your partner in the face. My lord, I trust thatMiss Pleydell's performance has made you congratulate yourself on mydeclining the honour of the minuet?"
"Your ladyship," said Lord Chudleigh, "may be assured that, if anythingcould compensate for that disappointment, the grace and beauty of myfair partner have effected that object."
"Gadzooks!" cried Sir Robert. "Here is a beating about the bush! Kitty,my pretty maid, no duchess could have danced better, and never a queenin Christendom is more beautiful! Say I well, my lord?"
"Excellently well, Sir Robert. You have said more than I dared; notmore than I thought."
Then Mr. Walsingham came bustling to congratulate me.
"But one opinion--only one opinion, Miss Pleydell! Lady Levett, yourobedient servant. Mrs. Pimpernel, I offer my congratulations on thisyoung lady's success. I would it had been Bath, or even Tunbridge,whence the rumour of such beauty and such grace would have been morequickly carried about the cou
ntry. But it will be spread abroad. Thereare three hundred tongues here to-night, who will talk, and threehundred pens who will write. Miss Kitty, once more I salute yourMajesty--Queen of the Wells!"
Then Lord Chudleigh, and Sir Robert Levett, and the gentlemen standinground sank on one knee and bowed almost to the ground, crying--
"Queen of the Wells! Queen of the Wells!"
And Nancy, in her pretty, saucy way, ran and stood beside me laughing.
"And I am her Majesty's maid of honour. Remember that, gentlemen all!"
"The saucy baggage!" cried Sir Robert.
And Peggy Baker, for whom in this hour of triumph one felt a littlepity, came too, with a curtsey and a smile which looked more like afrown.
"Miss Pleydell must accept my homage, too," she said. "We are fortunatein having one so inimitably lovely for our Queen. It makes one wonderwhere so much beauty could have been hidden."
I suppose she meant this as an innuendo that I was not, therefore,accustomed to such good company. I thought of Fleet Lane and theMarket, and I laughed aloud.
But Lord Chudleigh was expected to dance with another lady before theball was opened; and here was another disappointment for poor Peggy,for he led out Nancy, who took his hand with a pride and joy which didone's heart good to look at.
If I had been afraid to raise my eyes, Nancy was not; she looked in mylord's face and laughed; she talked and prattled all the time she wasdancing; and she danced as if the music was too slow for her, as if shewould fain have been spinning round like a school-girl when she makescheeses, as if her limbs were springs, as if she would gladly havetaken her partner by both hands and run round and round with him as shehad so often done with me when we were children together, playing inthe meadows beside the Hall. All the people looked on and laughed andclapped their hands; never was so merry a minuet, if that stately dancecould ever be made merry. As for me, I was able to look at his faceagain, though that was only to begin the punishment of my crime.
What did I remember of him? A tall young man of slender figure; withcheeks red and puffed, a forehead on which the veins stood out readyto burst, a hand that shook, eyes that looked wildly round him; adreadful, terrible, and shameful memory. But now, how changed! As forhis features, I hardly recognised them at all. Yet I knew him for thesame man.
Go get a cunning limner and painter. Make him draw you a face stampedwith some degrading vice, or taken at the moment of committing somegrievous sin against the conscience. Suppose, for instance, thatthe cheeks swell out with gluttony; or let the lips tremble withintemperance; or let the eyes grow keen and hawk-like with gambling:let any vice he pleases be stamped upon that face. Then let him go awayand draw that face (which before was dark with sin and marked withthe seal of the Devil) as it should be, pure, wise, and noble as God,who hath somewhere laid by the model and type of every created face,intended it to be. You will know it and you will know it not.
The face which I had seen was not the face of a drunkard, but of adrunken man, of a man heavy and stupid with unaccustomed drink. Ihad always thought of him as of a creature of whose violence (in hiscups) I should go in daily terror, when it should please the Doctorto take me to my husband. Now that I saw the face again, the spiritof drunkenness gone out of it, it seemed as if the man could neverstoop to weakness or folly, so strong were the features, so noble werethe eyes. How could such a man, with such a face and such a bearing,go about with such a secret? But perhaps, like me, he did not sufferhimself to think about it. For his face was as that of David whenhe was full of his great mission, or of Apollo the sun-god, or ofAdonis whom the Syrian women weep, or of Troilus when he believed thatCressida was true.
To be sure, he never thought of the thing at all. He put it behindhim as an evil dream: he would take no steps until he wished to bemarried, when he would instruct his lawyers, and they would break thebonds--which were no true bonds--asunder. If he thought at all, hewould think that he was married--if that was indeed a marriage--to somepoor unworthy wretch who might be set aside at pleasure: why should histhoughts ever dwell--so I said to myself with jealous bitterness--onthe girl who stood before him for ten minutes, her face muffled in ahood, her eyes cast down, who placed a trembling and wicked hand in hisand swore to follow his fortunes for better for worse?
Alas poor Kitty! Her case seemed sad indeed.
Then my lord finished his minuet with Nancy, and other couples advancedinto the arena, and the dancing became general. Of course there wasnothing but minuets until eight o'clock.
Nancy was merry. She said that her partner was delightful to dancewith, partly because he was a lord--and a title, she said, gives an airof grace to any block--partly because he danced well and talked amiably.
"He is a pretty fellow, my dear," she said, "though of positiontoo exalted for one so humble as myself. He had exhausted all hiscompliments upon the Queen and had none for a simple maid of honour,which I told him at parting, and it made him blush like a girl. HowI love to see a man blush; it is a sign that there is yet left someremains of grace. Perhaps Lord Chudleigh is not so hardened as hisfellows. Look at Peggy's languid airs: she thinks a minuet should bedanced as if you were going to die the very next minute; and she rollsher eyes about as if she were fainting for a man to kiss her. My dear,Lord Chudleigh, I fear, is above us both; yet he is but a man, andall men are made of tinder, and a woman is the spark. I think he maybe on fire before long, think not upon him until you find out how hisaffections are disposed, and whether he is free. A roving lord, at thewatering-places, who is young and handsome, is as dangerous to us poordamsels, and plays as much havoc among our hearts, as Samson when hehad got that jawbone, among the Philistines. A truly dreadful thingit would be"--it was wonderful that she should be saying all this inignorance, how every word went home--"to set your affections upon alord, and to find out afterwards that he was pledged to somebody else.Hateful thing she would be!"
While the minuets were dancing we stood and watched the gay throng.Never had I dreamed of anything so gay and animated. There were threehundred people, at least as many men as women, and all dressed in theirvery best. As for the ladies, it was the fashion when I was a girl forall to be powdered, but there were many modes of dressing the head.For some wore aigrettes of jewels (who could afford them) some falseflowers, and some true flowers, which were pretty and becoming for ayoung girl: and some had coiffures _a la culbutte_, some _en dorlotte_,some _en papillon_, or _en vergette_, _en equivoque_, _en desespoir_,or _en tete de mouton_. The last was the commonest, in which there werecurls all over the back of the head. And there were French curls, whichlooked something like eggs strung on a wire round the head, and Italiancurls or scallop-shells. The petticoats were ornamented with falbalasand _pretantailles_; most ladies wore _criardes_, and all had hoops,but some wore hoops _en coupole_ and some small hoops, and some lookedlike a state-bed on castors, and as if they had robbed the valancefor the skirt and the tester for the trimmings. But there is no endto the changes of fashion. As for the gentlemen, their vanities weremostly in the wig, for though the full wig was now gone out of fashion,having given place to the neat and elegant tie-wig with a broad blackribbon and a little bag, or a queue, yet there was not wanting thefull-bottomed periwig, the large flowing grizzle, and the great wigwith three tails. And every kind of face, the vacant, the foolish, thesensual, the envious, the eager, the pert, the dignified, the brave,the anxious, the confident--but none so noble as that face of my lord.
"Is our Queen meditating?"
I started, for he was beside me.
"It is my first ball," I said, "and I am wondering at the pretty sightof so many happy and merry people."
"Their merriment I grant," he replied. "As for their happiness, we hadbetter perhaps agree to take that for granted."
"I suppose we all agree to give ourselves up to the pleasures of thehour," I said. "Can we not be happy, even if we have a care which wetry to hide?"
"I hope, at least," he said, "that Miss Pleydell has no cares."
"Yes," he said; "an assembly of people to please and to be pleasedis a charming sight. For a time we live in an atmosphere of ease andcontentment, and bask at the feet of the Queen of Hearts."
"Oh, my lord!" I said, "do not pay me compliments: I am only used toplain truth."
"Surely that is the honest truth," he said. "To be Queen of the Wellsis nothing, but to be the Queen of Hearts is everything."
"Nay, then," I returned, blushing, "I see I must put myself under theprotection of Mr. Walsingham."
The old beau was hovering round, and gave me his hand with a great airof happiness.
"From me," he said, "Miss Pleydell knows that she will hear nothing buttruth. The language of gallantry with a beautiful woman is pure truth."
It was eight o'clock, and country dances began. I danced one with LordChudleigh and one with some gentleman of Essex, whose name I forget.But I remember that next day he offered me, by letter, his hand, andeight hundred pounds a year. At nine we had tea and chocolate. Thenmore country dances, in which my Nancy danced with such enjoyment andhappiness as made Sir Robert clap his hands and laugh aloud.
At eleven all was over, mantles, hoods, and capuchins were donned, andwe walked home to our lodgings, escorted by the gentlemen. The lastface I saw as we entered the house was that of my lord as he bowedfarewell.
Cicely was waiting to receive us.
"O madam!" she cried, "I was looking through the door when my lord tookout miss for the minuet. Oh! oh! oh! how beautiful! how grand she didit! Sure never was such a handsome pair."
"My dear," said Mrs. Esther to me, when Cicely had left us, "I believethere never was known so great a success for a first appearance. Thereis no doubt you are the reigning Toast of the season, child. Well,enjoy when you can, and be not spoiled by flattery, Kitty, which isvanity. Such a face, they all declare, such a figure, such eyes, sucha carriage, were never before seen at Epsom. Beware of Flatterers,my dear. Where did you get such graces from? Pay no heed to thecompliments of the men, child. Sure, it is the prettiest creature everformed. They would turn thy head, my dear."
In the middle of the night I awoke from an uneasy dream. I thought thatI was dancing with my lord before all the people at the assembly: theyapplauded loudly, and I heard them whispering: "What a noble pair! SureHeaven hath made them for each other!" Then suddenly Peggy Baker burstthrough the crowd, leading by the hand my uncle: and crying: "LordChudleigh, I congratulate you upon your marriage! Your bride is withyou, and here is the Chaplain of the Fleet, who made you happy." Thenthe people laughed and hissed: the Doctor lifted his great forefingerand shook it at my lord; I saw his face change from love to disgust,and with a cry I hid my shameful cheeks in my hands and fled the place.
The waking was no better than the dreaming. The husband whom I hadalmost forgotten, and whom to remember gave me no more than a passingpang, was here, with me, in the same town. What was I to do--how treathim--in what words to tell him, if I must tell him, the dreadful, thehumiliating truth?
Or, again--a thought which pierced my breast like a knife--suppose Iwere condemned to see him with my own eyes, falling in love, step bystep, with another woman: suppose that I were punished by perceivingthat my humble and homely charms would not fix, though they mightattract for a single night, his wandering eyes: oh! how could I lookon in silence, and endure without a word the worst that a woman cansuffer? Ah! happy Esther, whom the king loved above all women: so thathe set the royal crown upon her head!
The day broke while I was lying tortured by these dreadful suspicionsand fears. My window looked towards the east: I rose, opened thecasement, and let in the fresh morning air. The downs rose beyond thehouse with deep heavy woods of elm and birch. There was already themovement and stir of life which begins with the early dawn: it is as ifthe wings of the birds are shaking as their pretty owners dream beforethey wake: as if the insects on the leaves were all together exhortingeach other to fly about and enjoy the morning sun, because, haply, lifebeing so uncertain to the insect tribe, and birds so numerous, thathour might be their last: as if the creatures of the underwood, therabbits, hares, weasels, ferrets, snakes, and the rest were moving intheir beds, and rustling the dry leaves on which they lie. Over thetree-tops spread broader and broader the red glow of the morning: thesounds of life grew more distinct; and the great sun sprang up. Then Iheard a late-singing thrush break into his sweet song, which means amorning hymn of content. The other birds had mostly done their singinglong before July: but near him there sang a turtle with a gentle coowhich seemed to say that she had got all she wanted or could look forin life, and was happy. Truly, not the spacious firmament on highalone, but all created things do continually teach man to laud, praise,and glorify the name of the great Creator. "Whoso," says the Psalmist,"is wise and will observe these things"--but alas for our foolishness!I looked, and drank the sweetness of the air, and felt the warmth ofthe sun, but I thought of nothing but my husband--mine, and yet notmine, nor could he ever be mine save for such confession and shame asmade my heart sick to think of. To be already in love with a man whomone had seen but twice! was it not a shame? Yet such a man! and hewas already vowed to me and I to him--although he knew it not: and,although in a secret, shameful way, the holy Church had made us one, sothat, as the service hath it, GOD Himself hath bound us together. To bein love already! O Kitty! Kitty!
There is a chapter in the Song of Solomon which is, as learned mentell us, written "of Christ and His Church," the poet speaking in suchan allegory that, to all but the most spiritual-minded, he seemeth tospeak of the simple love of a man and a maid. And surely it may be readwithout sin by either man or maid in love. "I am," she says, "the roseof Sharon and the lily of the valleys.... My beloved spake, and saidunto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo! thewinter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on theearth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of theturtle is heard in the land."
When I had read that chapter and dried my weeping eyes, and perhapsprayed awhile, I lay down upon my bed again, and slept till Cicely cameat seven and called me up to dress and walk abroad.