by Leaona Luxx
We sit, enjoying a glass of wine after dinner when the bottom drops out. “So, what does Ava think about your re-enlistment?” my mom asks.
Ava’s head snaps to mine, and I offer a weary smile. “We haven’t had a chance to discuss it fully.”
“Riley, I think it’s time. You don’t have an option.” My dad stares at me as Ava’s color drains from her face.
It hits me deep in my chest, knocking the air outta me. Her face is ashen when she stutters. “Wha-what? Enlistment?”
“Yeah, I was gonna discuss this with you but we all know, I don’t have a choice, fifth year. I know we have plans to make.” I smile warily at her, taking her hand. When my palm touches hers, her eyes dart back to my face. “Ava, are you sure you’re okay? You’re as pale as a ghost.”
“You… you’re a… you’ve been…” Gasping, she tries to catch her breath.
“Get her some water, please. Ava? Baby? Please, say something.” My voice wavers as I plead with her to talk to me. She gives me a pointed glare, I search them for understanding.
“You’re a soldier? You’re military?” I lose all ability of control as her body begins to shake.
“Yea. That’s where I’ve been the last few years.” Her face is pulled tight, and my stomach’s in knots. “You didn’t know?” She shakes her head, trying to form words. Fear grips my heart, and I struggle to breathe.
Ava springs from the table, making it to the doors before I can catch her. I wrap her in my arms as she shudders from our contact. “I ne-need to go,” she gasps. Tearing herself away from me proves to be a task. I refuse to let go.
“No.” I shake my head in defiance. “No, Ava. You’re not running. Tell me.” Pulling her back to me, I plead with her, “Please, talk to me.”
“I can’t. I’m scared. Please, let me go,” she sobs. “Oh, God. Please, Riley, I can’t.” She’s trembling in my arms as my dad touches my arm.
“Let her go, son.” My arms slowly fall from her body. My face pinched as I grapple with the need to keep her here.
She turns to run when my voice breaking catches her heart off guard. “Why?”
Looking back at me, she explains it the only way she can. “This could kill us.” She runs from the restaurant at full speed.
What in the hell just happened? I’ve lost her.
Jumping into my car, I slam it into gear and speed down the street. I can hear Riley calling my name as I drive away. Looking both ways, I decide to take off in the opposite direction of my home. He’ll drive that way, I know he’ll come looking. I drive until I see a path veering off the road, driving through the thicket to a clearing.
I park, bounding from my confines. Falling to my knees, I slump over. The heaviness in my chest breaks open as the loss is too great for me to bear another minute. Why can’t I breathe? This—this all-encompassing feeling of emptiness—eats at my soul. The pain feels as though I’m being ripped apart.
God, please. I’ve never asked before, ever. Please, fix this.
The hours pass in a blur and before I know it, the skies turn gray as the sun begins to spring to life. Unlike my dead heart, I grip my chest, pain stabbing me where my heart used to be. I don’t think I’ll survive this. Losing Riley.
As the sun fades, I sit in my car, allowing the darkness to creep over me. I feel as though, I’m frozen in time, searching those beautiful baby blues that promised me the moon. The dank, dreary place I find myself is far from moon walking.
The fissure in my chest makes it impossible to get over it. Maybe if I just stay here, he’ll stay with me. He’ll stay with me. Things will be okay. I can’t forget who he is or what he does. Men like that, they have things happen to them. Things that change them.
Secrets tucked away in dark places, waiting to crawl out. To break the most precious bond known to man. Lashing and gnawing at them until it eats them from the inside out. Spewing on everything, ruining the happiest of times.
Maybe I can just stay here. Safe.
Buzz. Buzz.
I jump from the sound of my phone. I rifle through my bag until I find it, a hundred missed calls and texts. Why haven’t I heard it before now? It’s Riley and Brannon. Wait, everyone I know has tried calling. Fuck. It’s midnight.
I have class in the morning. Brannon’s gonna kill me over Andi. Shit. Can I ever do one fucking thing right? Get your shit together, Ava. Taking a steadying breath, I sit up, gathering myself. I begin to check through the texts. Riley is going insane, but I can’t deal with him.
Brannon is worried but not enough to chill the fuck out. I can’t call Torrie because of Brannon. Willow? Can I ask her to do this? I have to, I have no one else. I drive back through the woods until I get to the road. I send a quick text, waiting for her reply.
Hey, I need help.
I’m here. -Willow
Can I come over?
Yes. -Willow
Tell no one.
Please.
I gotcha. -Willow
Twenty minutes later, I park in the front of their house. Stepping out, I see Willow open her door. She runs to me, wrapping me in her arms.
“I’m so glad you called me. Everyone is so worried. Riley’s a mess. What in the hell happened?” Her rush of words forces me to take a deep breath.
“Can we talk inside?”
“Sure, sweetie. Anything you need.” She locks her arm with mine as we walk in her house.
I swear Maisyn to secrecy, asking her to come over. She quickly agrees. I’m not sure I can do this, but if I’m gonna resist Riley… I tremble at the thought. I’ll need help and a lot of understanding, something I’ve never been given. I wish there was a better way.
Willow offers me a blanket as we get settled, and Maisyn arrives not long after we do. Her platinum blonde hair is streaked with pink, but most people notice her tats first; she owns a local tattoo studio. “Hey, you okay?”
“No,” I say as I return her hug.
“Talk to us, tell us what happened,” Willow pleads.
“There are things in my past that's been kept secret for years, fear being the leading cause I’ve kept quiet. Riley could be the poster boy for what drives that fear.” I shake my head as I scroll through my phone, text after text from him. I can’t bring myself to look at them another minute.
Some people may think it’s irrational, it’s so much more. It’s knowing my past and his future could destroy us. Not just tearing us apart but hurting us beyond repair, even possibly killing us. There are some things in my past I still don’t know.
“Message Brannon or Torrie and let them know you’re okay, please.” Willow nods her agreement with Maisyn’s request.
“Shit. I meant to do that already.” I rattle off a quick text to Torrie, she’ll be more understanding.
Hey, I’m okay.
Please don’t tell Riley!!
Where are you? - Torrie
He’s worried. -Torrie
A friend’s.
Ava. -Torrie
Just you?
Yes. -Torrie
Willow’s.
I’m coming. -Torrie
“Torrie’s on her way,” I say as I shake my head.
“We’re concerned for you, both of you.” Willow pats my hand.
“Willow, this calls for a drink. I’m sure Ava could use one.” I nod as Maisyn stands, walking toward the kitchen.
“Third door on the bottom right, glasses are top left, next to the sink,” Willow calls out.
Maisyn’s head jerks from left to right and back. “Damn, y’alls house is big.”
“Thank Lea.” Willow giggles.
I shake my head with a grin. “Woman’s got more money than the bank.”
Maisyn glides toward us. “But not more than Lachlan.” She smiles big.
“Close.” Willow smirks.
“Here ya go, it’ll take the edge off,” Maisyn says as she hands me the amber liquid.
“Better leave the bottle.” I motion toward the table.
She chuckles. “Yeah, probably.”
There’s a knock at the door, and I jump, but Willow settles me with a calming touch. Maisyn answers it, and Torrie walks through.
She pulls me into a hug before settling next to me. “What’s going on, sweetie?”
“Please don’t think I’m up to my old shit. I promise it’s so much more,” I plead with them.
“We promise, just talk to us,” Maisyn encourages me.
“I’m not sure how much Brannon has shared with you, I’m not even sure how much he knows, to be honest.” I search her eyes as the pain in my chest worsens.
“About?” She pulls her brows together.
“My life.” I take a deep breath. “My father killed my mother before committing suicide.”
“Oh my God. Ava, I had no idea.” Torrie gasps.
Maisyn shakes her head. “I’ve never heard that, and we’ve known each other almost as long Brannon has known you.”
“It was sealed, kept from me until I was old enough to hear it.” My heart constricts, and I catch my breath. “Problem is, it never helped the memories.”
“Oh, no. Ava, I’m sorry.” Willow reaches me some tissues for my falling tears.
“My grandma knew, she would say things thinking I didn’t understand, but I relive their deaths every night in my dreams.” I begin to feel queasy as I think about Riley. “You know, I’ve only had one bad dream since Ry has been staying with me.” I look up at their surprised faces. “Yeah, we were becoming inseparable.”
“Forgive me, Ava, but what does this have to do with Riley?” Torrie asks.
“My father was special forces during Desert Storm. I knew the minute they asked about Riley’s ‘option’, he’s special forces. They picked up my dad’s fifth-year option,” I explain.
“I didn’t know Riley was in the military.” Willow shakes her head.
“You didn’t know, Ava? You never talked about it?” Maisyn questions me.
“No.” I chuckle. “I wanted to ask, but I didn’t really know how. He said he had things to figure out. I assumed he just graduated college and was taking a break before settling into a job. How was I supposed to know? I haven’t seen him in years.” My mouth hangs open as realization hits me, he’s been gone longer. “Wait. Riley’s been gone longer than four years.”
“Yeah, he left to get away from you and Brannon. He stayed tore up over you two being together. Went one year to college and then he enlisted,” Maisyn explains.
“He’s been in love with her that long?” Willow asks.
“Oh, yeah. Since we were young. I had a crush on him, and he told me he was waiting on her.” Maisyn laughs at her memory.
“He never said a word.” My stomach knots. “It’s too late now.”
“Don’t say that, Ava. Maybe you two can figure it out.” Torrie takes my hand, but I jerk it from her.
“No. We can’t.” I bound from my seat, running my hands through my hair. “Don’t you understand? Can’t you see, we’re doomed.”
“What are you talking about?” Maisyn asks.
“I was six when my dad woke from a nightmare, dreaming he was fighting an Iraqi soldier. He kept yelling, ‘kill me’ as he choked my mom to death. She fought, but there was no way she could tear his hands away. I stood at the door, watching the sheer terror on my dad’s face as he choked her until she turned blue.” I pinch my eyes closed, imagining the scene as if I’m transported back to that very moment.
“Her body, lifeless in his hands, it was as if she stared at me as I stood at their door. I couldn’t stop the sobbing that ripped from my tiny chest. My daddy looked at me, his eyes dark as night, void of anything. He abruptly moved from the bed and charged toward me, and I began screaming. When he reached for me, I jumped, and he started blinking rapidly; he seemed so confused and stunned. His head turned from me to the bed where my mom laid. Tears sprung to his eyes as his mouth fell slack-jawed. He stretched his arms out for me, saying something I couldn’t understand through the booming echo in my ears, and I howled in fear, spinning to run from him. Wailing until I was hoarse, I hid under my bed from him.” A shiver of fear snakes up my spine, and I cry for the little girl who suffered so much tragedy at such a young age.
“He begged our forgiveness, sobbing my mother’s name. No one came, no one. Even when my father’s cries stopped after the pop of the gun. We lived close enough to people, someone should have heard it all. Especially the gun shot.” I fall to my knees as the poison from that night seeps from my pores, and my demons crawl to the surface.
“I didn’t sleep for days after. When I did, I would wake up the same way I did that terrible night. I was with my parents’ bodies until Monday, when the military decided to come after my dad for not reporting for duty. Three days in that house, under my bed. The space so tight, the scent of urine heavy in the air from peeing myself as I watched the life drain from my mom’s eyes… I knew the sound of the gun, but I was so scared to come out.” I rock with my arms tightly around me as my tears fall from the memories.
“I stayed in the hospital for months, because I had no family other than my grandma, and she refused to take me for the longest time. They wanted to keep me in the Psychiatric Ward because the night terrors were so gripping, so real, I was like a dazed zombie for hours after I’d fully wake up. The doctors said they could monitor me closer, give me medication to help me cope—I didn’t understand what that meant. I was just a baby, a little girl lost to the world with nobody to love me.” I focus on the map, hung on the wall across the room. My stomach, tying in knots as my body jerks into automatic.
“I didn’t know my grandma because she didn’t even want my mom, so she was raised by her aunt. But I remember a woman, I’m sure she was a social worker, talked my grandma into taking me. The check for expenses helped. She never spent a dime on me. People gave me hand-me-downs, and my grandma would get food baskets from local churches once they learned I was living with her. Then Brannon came along. He saved me. Him and his parents’. I never treated any of them right, never even thanked them. Hell, I haven’t thanked them for taking care of Andi.” I shake my head in disgust. “Andi. Love her heart, look what she ended up with as a mom. She could’ve had you from minute one, but no—I had to try to keep Brannon. I wanted him all to myself. Honestly, I thought I’d have an abortion, and he’d stay. When he told me he wanted us to have her, I lost it.” My eyes are wide as I confess my darkest secrets.
“How could I have a child? I’m the product of a monster. All I can think is whatever made my dad go mad, is in me. It would drive me over the edge, and God knows what harm I could be capable of doing. Snapping one day, killing her and Bran. Yes, I’ve told people I didn’t want her. I was afraid I’d hurt her. I still get scared, thinking I’m going to do something wrong. Something that could harm her.” A chill races up my spine, washing over me as the realization hits me, I have so much to lose. “Ava, honey, your father was sick, more than likely with PTSD. That has nothing to do with you,” Willow explains.
“But what if it does? What good can come from Riley and I being together? It’s the perfect storm,” I rationalize.
“No, that’s not possible. Riley would never hurt you, Ava. You know that, deep down.” Torrie begs me to see reason.
“But what if I hurt him?” I question.
“Ava, your dad suffered from Post Traumatic…” I finish Torrie’s sentence.
“Stress Syndrome.” I stare at them before turning to my purse, I take the paper from it and hand it over to her. She unfolds it as Willow scoots closer to her, and they read silently. Maisyn waits for her turn.
“It states, you were diagnosed with PTSD after witnessing your parents’ death.” Torrie looks at me. “You don’t suffer from this now, Ava.”
Willow interrupts, “This form is from three weeks ago.”
“Yeah, I know. I still go to therapy for the nightmares.” I fall into the chair behind me, fixing my eyes on the floor in front of me.
�
��Ava. Ava, listen to me,” Maisyn begs.
“No, I’m humiliated.”
“Why?” Willow’s eyes are round.
“It’s horrid and embarrassing,” I huff.
“Why are you embarrassed? I think it shows great strength to find help, Ava,” Torrie says as I pick at imaginary lint on my pants.
“It says you’re willing to work on you,” Willow adds.
“It says… I’m my father’s daughter.” I glare at them when it dawns on me what I’ve done. “Oh, no. Please don’t tell Brannon, I promise I’d never hurt Andi. I never meant anything I said.”
“No one would ever think that, no one,” Torrie states, trying to reassure me.
“I’m still confused how this has anything to do with Riley,” Maisyn imparts. Drawing everyone’s attention back to me.
“What if he comes in one day and the same thing happens? I could never bring a child into a world where this is possible. I mean, I could snap, hurt Riley or the baby or both.” Tears fall at the rate of a storm, down my face.
“Ava, honey. Shhhhh.” Torrie walks over to me, kneeling at my feet. Her hands lay on mine as I shake uncontrollably. “You have never nor would you ever, hurt Riley or a baby. I know this. Do you hear me? Brannon and Andi are perfect, not despite you but because of you. You helped shape and mold them. You did that, Ava.”
“I-I can’t. I’ve never lived with them, Riley wants it all.”
“Is that what’s scaring you?” Willow asks.
“No. Well, at first.” I hesitate. “I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way Riley does. I knew I was falling for him, but it felt different from anything I’ve ever known. I felt good, about me and us. I was scared, that’s true, I couldn’t help to think it would all go away. He’d end up like everyone else, gone.”
“Ava, Brannon has never left you. You’re Andi’s mom, that’ll never change.” Torrie tries to console me.
“Brannon’s here for Andi, not me. Andi thinks more of you than she ever has of me.” I wipe the tears from my face as I stare at Torrie. “It’s my fault I know, but it’s still true. I had no one. And for the longest time, I had convinced myself that’s the way it should be.” I run my hands through my hair, pulling it to the ends.