by Leaona Luxx
“Then, Riley happened. Wrecking me like a fucking tornado. He takes care of me without me even noticing. How? He says it’s house fairies, damn nut.” A mad chuckle escapes me. “I feel safe in his arms, good about myself. He gives me the confidence to overcome anything. I thought he was making excuses for me at first, but he wasn’t.” My chest seizes as I draw in a ragged breath.
“He told me, no one has a right to judge how I chose to survive. I believed in him and before I realized what was happening, I started believing in us. It’s as though, even after years apart, our souls just knew. The kind of truth like the love of a child, you hold them for the first time and your soul knows, this is my other half.” I pound my chest, not sure if I’m calming myself or jump starting my heart.
“He is my half. My soul knows, in every way, he is my truth. My counter point. His heart beats as my pulse. Andi is the only thing that brings me greater joy. To listen to her heartbeat, knowing it was once mine. Sometimes, I lay my head against Riley’s chest, listening to it beat just for me.” I hold my chest, in fear my heart will burst from it.
“Listen to yourself, will you? You love him. Is he not worth trying?” Torrie’s eyes narrow. “Are you not worth it?”
“We’re a ticking time bomb, Torrie.” I shudder at the thought. “Who knows what could trigger either of us and god forbid, what may happen.”
“You’re leaving him? Before he leaves, you’re breaking up with him?” Maisyn’s face is colored red, her lips pursed until they turn white. Anger and disdain, oozing toward me, and I don’t blame her.
“It’s the only thing I know.” No truer words have ever been spoken.
I stand at the door, it’s huge, looming over me. I tremble as I bite my nail, watching him over her. She doesn’t speak, he continues to mutter to my shock. He doesn’t even sound like my dad, he’s a monster. My mom’s head falls to the side, her eyes on me.
When she doesn’t move, something deep inside me pulls, gnawing at me. He begins to move and she lay there, blood running from her mouth. I’m not sure where it comes from, I’m lifted from my body, floating above the scene in front of me.
I release a shrill so loud, it pierces the monster’s heart. He jumps, looking at my mom and then me. He shouts, making me wet myself. I tremble as tears roll down my face, my hands in my mouth. His eyes dark as the monster growls, his teeth gnashing as he snarls at me.
He moves from the bed, walking toward me. I run. I run as fast as I can.
I rush back to the apartment, she’s not here. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t been here. I try her number again, nothing. I’ve been all over this damn town and can’t find her anywhere. Where the fuck could she have gone? I need to talk to her.
I stay at the apartment all night, afraid to leave in case she comes home. I know it was a mistake not to tell her, but I was hoping to build something stronger before this time came. The thought of losing her is driving me insane.
When my phone rings, I nearly jump from my skin. “Ava?” I say in a flurry.
“No, it’s Brannon.” I drop into the chair behind me.
“Hey, man. Have you heard from her?” I hold my breath, praying he’ll tell me if he has.
“I didn’t, Torrie talked to her. She went to see her,” he explains.
“What’s going on?” I beg him for some kind of answer.
“I wished you had told her you were in the military,” Brannon admonishes me.
“Is that it? Because I’m leaving?” I asked astonished as my heart races.
“Yes. No, not entirely.” He sighs heavily. “We’re encouraging her to talk to you. But I’ll tell you this, Riley, if I had known what she had been through, I’m not sure I could’ve left her. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth.”
“What the fuck does that even mean?” I yell through the phone.
“If she comes to you or even attempts to talk to you, listen with your heart,” Brannon says.
I shake my head in frustration as I try to swallow the lump in my throat. “Of course, I will.” He ends the call as I consider throwing my phone against the wall.
I take my time packing a few of my things. I don’t have a lot here, most of my stuff is at my parents’. I try to text her one more time, still, she doesn’t answer. I’ve never been more lost than I am right now, what in the hell happened?
A week passes, I haven’t heard a word. When the front gate buzzes, I leap to my feet, running to see who it is. A messenger with a package for me. Ava. I sign for it, knowing what it holds inside. I guess I should be grateful it’s not any bigger.
It sets for three days before I get the courage to open it; it’s her phone and my computer. No note. No ‘fuck you’. Nothing. I know she may have her reasons, but this is bullshit. The rage building inside me is at its boiling point.
I’m tired of waiting for answers that may never come. I’ve had faith, I’ve had patience, but I’m not sure I can wait for her again. I can’t leave not knowing if she’ll be here when I get back. If she’ll find her way back to us and through whatever it is she thinks is worth ripping us apart.
I’ve looked everywhere, it’s like she isn’t even staying at home so she can avoid me. I’ve called Maisyn and Lachlan to see if she took one of the jobs I lined up for her. They both tell me, no. Why would I ever think she would? She doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I break, driving to the college to find her. Parking a few rows away from her car, I wait for her to come out. I’m not sure what I expect to see, I just know what I did see broke my heart. Ava’s pale, she doesn’t have makeup on or her hair done.
She looks broken. She looks like me.
She throws her backpack in her car, never looking around. She looks as though she doesn’t care if she lives or dies. I understand that feeling. What I can’t understand is if she feels this way, why do that to both of us?
God help me, but I follow her. It’s past damn time she talks to me. I need answers. She heads toward home but just before her exit, she takes a road leading to a private home. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ll be damned if I don’t follow her.
When she climbs out, I pull up behind her. She does a double take before dropping her backpack on the ground. I step from my truck, keeping my distance, I lean against the front. We search the eyes of the other, looking for anything that gives hope.
I get it when a tear rolls down her face. It’s a fraction of hope, but it’s there. I take a deep breath and try to slip through the crack in her armor. “Ava, baby. What happened?”
“We ran our course.” She shrugs.
“Why do I get the feeling that’s not your truth?” I shove my hands in my pockets, trying to keep from taking her in my arms.
She shakes her head, gazing at me. “It’s the only truth I can share.”
“You’ve shared everything with me, what can’t you tell me?” I demand.
“It’s not what I can’t tell you, Riley. It’s what I won’t tell you.” She levels me with a glare.
“Since when don’t we tell each other everything?” I question her.
“Are you kidding me with this shit? You don’t just get to come into my life and make me love you so you can leave me. I get to decide if you stay or go!” The anger and heartache in her voice are undeniable.
“So, that’s what this is about? Because I’m leaving? It’s my job, I don’t even have a choice, goddamn it. Do you think I’d choose to leave you, now?” My heart beats a million miles a minute, so fast I can’t even breathe.
“Aren’t you? Better yet, wasn’t it you who knew you were leaving this entire time and chose not to tell me?” She wipes her face to clear away her tears. “Yet, here you are giving me hell for not talking to you.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you!” I yell at her as my heart breaks. “I didn’t think it would matter.”
She grabs her chest, her face contorting as she lets what I’ve said sink in. “You never believed in us, did you?”
T
he small crack that has divided us the last two weeks has now become a chasm. “I didn’t know… I wasn’t sure…” My words fail me, but Ava’s find their target and explode.
“Oh, I see.” She nods slowly as she chews her lip. “It was me. You didn’t believe in me. In my love for you.”
My jaw ticks as I try to find the words that just won’t come. “No. That’s not true.”
“Go home, Riley. You’ll be leaving soon, and you need to spend some time with your mother.” My heart stops. She bends to pick up her backpack but falls to her knees instead. Willow comes rushing out the door, but Ava holds her hand up, bringing Willow to a stop.
I step forward, and she points at me before pinning me with a glare. “Ava?” I cry as the chasm between us grows larger.
“No. I don’t deserve you. I know it, and you’ve finally admitted it.” She tries to stand but tilts, hitting her knees again.
I surge forward, my arms finding her, closing around. “Please, I’m sorry,” I beg.
Her eyes are heavy, her mouth bent on the corners. “It’s not you, it’s me. Cliché, isn’t it?” She shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut as she swallows hard. When they open, locking on mine, she delivers her final will. “You loved me more than I ever deserved, I only wished it were enough.”
She struggles to get free because I can’t let her go. Her skin floating through my fingertips, her hair brushing against my face. She drags herself from my hold like slow motion. Turning back long enough to watch our grip loosen and the connection break.
The loss is felt immediately in my heart.
She takes the steps one at a time, hesitating on each. Her descent slow and painful to watch. Our love pulling and tugging at her to stay. My heart calling to hers, to not give up. When she comes to a full stop at the door, my heart follows.
I rise to my feet when she turns and just as she lifts her foot toward me, she gasps and rushes through the door. Now, I find my knees, falling to them to catch my breath. I grab my chest trying to keep it closed and my heart from falling out.
I’m not sure how long I stay out here, but it’s long enough for Willow to get worried. Hawk comes out, helping me to my truck. I sit there lost. Nothing has ever hurt this much, nothing. The devastation of what has taken place leaving my soul barren and my heart decimated.
At some point, Walker shows up with Ford. He drives me home, never saying a word as I sit to his right, dying a thousand deaths. I’ve destroyed us, not Ava. I, alone, did this to us. She’s right, I kept saying I believed in her, but I’m not sure who I was trying to convince.
Obviously, it wasn’t her.
I stumble into the guest house with Walker and Ford on my heels. I pour a double shot of the first thing my hand lands on. Throwing it back, I pour the second and third as swiftly and throw them back. I settle into the closest chair, bottle in hand.
“What happened?” Walker sits on the couch across from me, and Ford leans against the door.
“I’m not sure.” I set the bottle on the floor and bury my head in my hands.
“Why were you over there?” Ford asks.
I glare at him. “I had to see her. I couldn’t breathe without her.”
“How’d that work out for ya?” Ford narrows his eyes.
I jump from my seat. “Fuck you, Ford. I fucked up, okay. I went for the truth, but I got more than I counted on.” I run my hands through my hair. “Whatever has her so scared, has rocked her to the core. Still, it’s nothing compared to the truth she called me on.”
“And what’s that?” Walker pushes me.
“Th-That, I don’t believe in her as much as I say I do.” I fall into the chair again as my heart suffers another fissure.
“I’m not following you,” Walker says.
“Give him time, he’s finally seeing the whole picture,” Ford answers him.
“Fuck you, Ford. I love her,” I declare as the room starts to spin.
“So, you say.” He folds his arms.
“What in the hell, Ford?” Walker rises to his feet in my defense, there’s no reason, he’s right.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I pin Ford with a glare.
“Some things you have to walk alone.” He narrows his eyes. “Or with the person you want, until you’re on the same side.”
“I told her over and over, I believed in her. But put to the test, I didn’t. I waited to tell her I was leaving. Why? Because I didn’t think she loved me enough to wait. To make it without me. Deep down, I thought she’d leave me the minute I told her I couldn’t stay.”
“But she loves you. It’s all you ever wanted.” Walker’s mouth is agape at the truth he’s found.
“Doubt will destroy all good things, my friend. I doubted her, so when her demons came to call, she ran. Knowing I would leave her and she’d be alone to face them. I promised her I’d protect her. If I’m not here, she must protect herself.
“Whatever happened to Ava when she was a little girl, my leaving has triggered it. It’s fight or flight. She doesn’t think she can win this fight, and the fact I don’t either speaks volumes. I’m not sure we were meant to be in love.” I drop my head into my hands as the pain in my chest grows.
“Riley, being in love isn’t easy. Being a MIL spouse is even tougher. I understand you didn’t think she could handle it, but I’m not sure why you doubted her love,” Ford says.
“Love is more than being present, it’s a constant. I’ve been a constant in her life, but it took me being present to win her.” My stomach lurches.
“So, because she didn’t fall in love with you until you were present, you think your love won’t withstand you not being here?” Walker questions me.
“Something like that. I mean, look, she ran the second she found out I was leaving.” I throw my hands in the air.
“Riley, you got this all wrong. That girl has been through hell, you know that. You remember her night terrors when we camped out. She’s got her reasons for walking away. I’m not sure why you’re doubting her,” Walker says.
“Had you told her earlier, you might’ve been able to work through it, but there’s no time now,” Ford adds.
“Damn.” I shake my head to clear my thoughts. “I know her better than anyone, she’ll be back.”
“You sure? Is she even worth waiting on?” Ford asks.
“There’s too much for us to lose. She doesn’t even know herself like I do. I know she’s worth it, she’s my best friend.” I stand and walk to the kitchen.
“What can you do when you’re leaving in a few days?” Walker asks.
“I’m not sure, but I need her to know why I need her, why I love her. It may take me the entire time I’m gone to show her why I need her,” I say with determination as my stomach grinds and twists.
Walker shakes his head. “Man. I gotta ask, why do you feel like you need her? I know you love her, but that’s not a need.”
“Why the hell not?” I narrow my eyes at him. “Since when can’t you need what you love? Yeah, she’s like a hurricane. She blows in, tears all hell up and rolls out, leaving destruction in her path. But I need her. She makes me a better man. Her smiles blow me away. It’s more than sex, it’s a connection that goes beyond understanding.
“She felt it from the minute we ran into each other. I’ve known it from the second I met her. I need her love. Her love. No one else will ever do. She gives me strength, the way she looks at me with reverence, trusting me with no doubt. She looks at me like I can save the world. Who in the hell wouldn’t want the woman they’re in love with, look at them that way?” I clutch my chest, praying my heart stays in its confines as it thuds, struggling to free itself.
“Yes, the way she makes love to me. The way her body fits mine. Hell yes, she wrecks me. The beautiful disaster she is, walks in and wipes out every good sense I have. Her love is like no one else’s. It’s a life source for me. I can’t live without it, nor do I want to try. She’s my everything.” I beat my chest, reminding my soul
, it’s still alive.
“The moment I think I can’t go on, she pushes me to. I want all of her, the way she crashes to shore, wreaking havoc. Hell, I stir it up just to watch the storm brew in her eyes. I’m not sure if she’ll ever know how much I love her, and I damn sure have no idea if she’ll ever love me the way I love her. But boys, I gotta try.” I tighten my fists, pounding my thighs with determination to make her see reason.
I watch as Riley sits on his knees for almost an hour, I ask Hawk to check on him and Willow to call Walker. Why he thinks this isn’t killing me, I have no clue. I have my reasons to not be with him, but I’m shocked to find out he doesn’t believe in my love.
I’ve never given him a reason to doubt it, well, until now. I love him, but this thing is bigger than the both of us. We’re a bad mix, and nothing good can come from it. Loving him isn’t the problem, it’s living with him. I’m afraid every little thing could be a trigger.
I decide to go home now that I’ve talked to Riley. I sit in the car, staring at the apartment, not wanting to go in without him. I pull out my old, pay per use phone, I needed a phone when I returned Riley’s, so I got a new number and charger. I text the one person I think might understand.
Hey, it’s Ava.
Hey. How are you? -Lea
Not so good.
Come over. -Lea
Driving to Lea’s, I try to find the words that have escaped me for the last few weeks. I love Riley, but I’m scared. I’m not sure I can let him go, but I also know I can’t handle his life choices. Pulling into her driveway, I see One loading his SUV.
“Hey, One. You need some help?” I hurry over to hold the door.
“Thank you. We’re getting it down to a science and now, she refuses to have anymore.” He smiles.
I peek at their new daughter. “She’s perfect.” My heart flutters as the twins wave at me. “Hi, babies.” I wave. “So, beautiful.”
“Malone, you’re killing me,” Lea yells from the door.