by Leaona Luxx
“I love you, Hadlea.” He turns around, blowing her a kiss. “We’ll be back. Good to see you, Ava.”
“Good to see you.”
I walk toward the door when Lea’s cell rings. “I love you more. Because I knew what you were going to say. Okay. Malone, I love you.” She blows him a kiss. “Men. He’s in the driveway, for the love of God.” She rolls her eyes.
“I think it’s sweet.” I practically swoon.
“You have one just like him.” She smiles.
“Not anymore,” I groan.
“Come on in, let’s go out in the sunroom.” She points toward the back of the house. We settle in, and she gets to the point. “First, how are you after everything?”
My stomach lurches, and I straighten my back, swallowing hard. “Okay. Is that acceptable?”
“Anything is acceptable after what you’ve been through. How’s Riley?” Her brow furrows.
“I’m not sure. I believe it’s over.” I grind my teeth to keep from crying.
“Oh, I see.” Lea nods her head but doesn’t say anything else.
“I mean, I love him, but he didn’t tell me he’s in the military. I don’t even know what he does,” I grumble.
“Asshole. It’s all his fault.” She shakes her head. “Bet he blamed you for the attack, didn’t he?”
I’m stunned into silence, I can’t believe she said those things. My gut twists over her accusations. “No. Riley would never blame me. What the fuck, Lea? I thought you were my friend, that you would be understanding.” I jump up.
“I am.” She crosses her arms.
“No, you’re not. You just want me to blame Riley for everything. He didn’t do anything but keep his job from me.” I fume as my face flames.
“So, why are you blaming him for everything?” she asks.
“What? No, I’m not.” I turn for the door.
“You are. You’re blaming him for everything in your life gone wrong.” She stands, walking toward me. “So, he was scared as fuck if he told you he was leaving, you’d fucking bolt before he could get outta your bed.”
“He should have believed in me, us.” I hold my fist to my side.
“Damn straight he should have. But where are you?” She cocks a brow.
“I’m afraid.” I sit on the steps. “What if I can’t handle it when he leaves? What if he comes back and something triggers one of us?”
“You’re assuming a lot. You haven’t asked him what he does in the military. You also haven’t told him you suffer from PTSD or why. And you haven’t told him you’re scared to be alone and not because you’ll cheat or leave him. The way I see it, y’all haven’t talked at all.” She twists her mouth as she shrugs.
My chest is so heavy, I can’t breathe. “We haven’t. He leaves in three days.”
“Why don’t you consider making yourself better, keeping communication open with him until he returns,” she suggests.
“Help?” I narrow my eyes at her. “I have a therapist.”
“You also need rape counseling, maybe even a support group for military spouses to learn what you’re looking at in the future.” She sits beside. “I understand better than you think.”
“How’s that?” My stomach is turning over on itself.
“I’m a survivor. I was raped, Ava.” I stare at her, my mouth agape.
“I knew you had been through some things, but I had no clue.”
“It’s not something I talk about often, but that’s why we do the work for charity. I was with Malone, they had to test the twins to see who the father was. Malone never left my side until I kicked him out.”
“What?” I know my mouth is hanging open.
“Yeah, I pushed him away after the rape. I pushed him away before the rape. I pushed him away after the rape another time. Poor damn man, didn’t know if he was coming or going.” She giggles.
“Why? I mean, why?” I shake my head.
“Oh, a ton of reasons honestly. I had a lot of work to do on me. Sometimes we’re so broken that we have to completely break to put the pieces back together,” Lea explains.
“I feel so lost, I’m not sure where all of my pieces are anymore.”
“You need to start with Riley,” Lea says.
“How? What do I say?” I chew on my nail.
“Say anything. Something.” She smiles at me. “Stop biting your nail and go to him. You decide how you want to do it, but do yourself the favor of not letting him leave without a goodbye. You’ll regret it if you do.” Lea puts her arm around me.
“Then what?”
“That’s up to you, Ava.” She pulls me into a hug before walking me out to my car.
It’s getting dark by the time I get back to my place. I drop my keys as I fumble to unlock the door. I scramble to grab them and get inside, slamming the door behind me. I’m scared, and I can’t shake it. I remember the mace Riley put on my backpack that’s in the car.
I’ve never needed Riley more than I do right now. I turn on every light in my house, hurrying to my bedroom. I quickly change my clothes, slipping into bed. With every bang, thump, or bump, I jump, panicked. I hate this feeling, I haven’t been this scared since I was a little girl.
I reach for my phone, stopping just before I pick it up. He’ll not be here in a few days; how will I make it then? I can’t help it, I want him here. Now. I need him, and I’m tired of fighting it. I can’t help if it’s right or wrong. What if he doesn’t want to come?
I grab my phone, hitting his number. It rings. And again. “Ava?”
“I’m scared.” I tremble, making my voice quiver.
“Why?” Riley almost whispers.
“You’re not here. I’m frightened and I hate that I called you, but I need you. I’m sorry that I do but I do, Riley.” I hear noises in the background. “Ry? Please, just talk to me.”
“Ava, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” His words are meant to calm me, but he doesn’t sound calm.
“I thought I could do this, all of this, but I can’t. I hate being here alone, I hate that you’re not here.” My tears well, threatening to break their barriers.
“You’ve been through so much, I understand. I hate I’m not there, too.” His voice is soft, making me miss him so much more.
“Why is this so hard?” My heart pounds at the thought of him not being here.
“I don’t know. I wish I had answers for us both.” I hear a loud thump, startling me.
“Oh, shit.” I grab my chest.
“Ava, are you okay?” Riley calmly asks.
“No. Yes.” I stutter my words. “Is he out?”
“He is, awaiting trial.” Fuck. “You’re going to be fine.”
“I’ve fucked everything up. I’m sorry.” I hear another bang, making me jump. “Shit. I need to find somewhere to stay, I’m afraid by myself.”
“Ava, I’m at the door.” What did he say? “I’m unlocking it, okay?”
“Ry?” I say as I walk toward the door.
“I’m here,” he answers, and my heart skips a beat.
I walk through the hall to find Riley coming through the door. The pain in my chest as heavy as the one in my gut, both telling me we’re going to regret this. But he’s here, and I need him. I’m confused, but I’ve never been happier to see him. I drop my phone and run straight into his arms.
“Oh, my God, Ry. Thank you for coming.” My stomach flutters and twists all at the same time.
“Always, baby.” He holds me closer. “You can always call me.”
My mind reminds me of the truth as my heart tells it to shut the hell up. “I’m not sure what came over me.” I try to pull myself together and release him, but he doesn’t let me go.
“You’ve had a lot going on lately.” He feels so good. Safe. Blood courses through my veins as I hold him to me.
“Ry?” I clear my throat but still end up whispering. “Can you stay?”
“Even if you hadn’t let me in, I had planned on sleeping in my car.” H
e chuckles.
“Are you kidding?” I look up at him as my mouth goes dry.
“No.” He smiles. “I was on the other side of the parking lot, watching over you.”
He picks me up, carrying me to bed. I close my eyes willing him to stay, but I know he can’t. I gaze up at him, and he looks as though he could eat me alive. I’d let him. I crawl up the bed, and Riley watches every move like a predator. A frenzied desire stirs deep in me.
His jaw ticks as he toes his shoes off, and when his hand goes to the button on his jeans, I look away. Damn, I need to get my shit together. “Are you sleeping here?”
“Yeah,” he murmurs.
Riley climbs in bed, pulling me close to him. The last two weeks have been so complicated, but I can’t fight this. This feeling washing over me assures me everything is going to be okay. I shut my mind down to everything but this moment.
“Why can’t life be this easy?” I listen to his heart; it skips a beat when he speaks, and I gasp.
“Love should be.” I would have to agree.
I’m not sure when I fall asleep or if Riley ever does, but I wake as the light pours through my bedroom window. I’m reluctant to move, knowing it’ll all be over. We’re still in the same position, neither of us has moved all night.
Beneath my fingers his chest heaves. Here it comes, I pinch my face up, waiting for the next blow. “Ava, we need to move, you have class.”
“I don’t want to,” I say as my voice cracks along with my heart.
“I know, but we have to.”
“Why? Why do I have to?” My body tenses, filling with anger. “I’m sick and tired of giving up what I want.”
“I know, baby.” His voice is no more than a murmur. It’s like a white-hot poker to my heart. I scramble from the bed with him on my heels.
I turn on him, pinning him with a glare. “No, you don’t know. You know nothing of what this is doing to me. Why did you make me love all those times? Or was this all an act? Why make me love you?”
He steps into his pants, sliding his shoes on. He’s leaving, already. His face is pinched together as he licks his lips. “I love you. Always have, always will.”
“That’s it. You were selfish enough to make me fall in love with you because you wanted it. It didn’t matter to you that it would rip me to shreds?” My body quakes as rage rushes through my veins.
“I didn’t intend for you to find out this way.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t have a clue how this would turn out.”
“Oh, okay.” I turn, just to spin back. “What the fuck does that mean? You didn’t think I was capable of love?”
His nostrils flare as red creeps up his face. “I sure as hell didn’t think you’d fall in love with me.”
“You son of a bitch. Then who in the hell did I make love to?” I glare at him. “You made me love you and now… what? What am I supposed to do without you? I’ve spent my entire life making sure I didn’t need a damn thing because wants don’t fucking hurt. Needing you and not having you will kill me.”
“You left me, Ava. Not just because I was leaving for a few months; the shit you have deep in you has set there festering and rotting the best part of you. You’re the one who did this to us,” he yells at me.
“I guess we both have our own demons holding our truths.” I feel as though my body just ripped itself apart.
“Yeah, how about that? Care to share with me why you ran?” His nostrils flare as he glares at me.
“Can you tell me why you didn’t believe in us?” I retort.
The room spins out of control as we rip one another apart, leaving nothing but a gaping hole where our hearts used to be. Our eyes lock on one another and although we are just a few feet apart, the divide has never been greater.
“I can’t do this, Ava. I refuse to stand here ripping us into shreds. I love you.” Those three words are enough to destroy me. I scream, needing some relief from the pain I feel.
“Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?” I fist my hair, ready to run. “You’re right, I have some deep shit I need to handle, but don’t you dare stand there as if it’s only me. You didn’t believe I’d love you because deep down, you’re just like them. You think I’m that person, the whore who’s not worth it.” I tremble as my words reverberate, all he does is stand there. “You just knew you’d be the one to get hurt, the one to pick up the pieces. Well, I’ll be damned, you’re not.” I turn my back on him, I can’t bring myself to look at him or my love in his eyes.
He walks over, standing close enough to touch me. He leans in, his face rubs into my hair. “Don’t give up on me, Ava. Please.” He brushes past me, walking out the door.
“Ava? It’s Daddy, baby. Come here,” he calls as he walks from room to room.
I hold my breath as best as I can, hoping he doesn’t hear me. My mom, lay on her bed, staring at me before I ran from the room. I don’t know why I hid under my bed. He’ll find me for sure. When the familiar smell fills the room, I clamp my eyes shut.
“Come on, Ava. Daddy won’t hurt you.” His words bounce off the walls.
Shadows play across the room, making it hard to grasp where he is. When my blanket is moved, I see his face. He peers under the bed at me as my body seizes in fear. I wet myself again as I tremble. I wait for him to drag me from under the bed. It never happens.
“God forgive me, take care of our baby.”
The loud pop hurts my ears. They ring, I’m not sure for how long. I lay under the bed, quivering from the terror that has gripped me. Day comes as I continue to lay under the safety of my bed. The sun pours through the windows.
What in the hell went wrong? Walking away from Ava is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If anyone had told me two months ago I’d have to walk away from her, I would’ve laughed in their face. She needs to fix herself right now.
Still, she wasn’t entirely wrong.
I never dreamed she would love me, want a life with me. I let her down, again. I’m the one who told her to not accept anything less than she deserves. She deserves better than what I’ve done. I didn’t tell her I’d more than likely be leaving again because I didn’t think she’d be here.
What’s worse, I have to go by to see One about the house, and I’m sure Brannon will be there; please help me from punching him. I drag my hands through my hair, I gotta cut it today. I already miss her fisting it as she kisses me.
I grab the catalogs, walking inside. I glance around, hoping to get in and done. I’m over today. One catches my attention, waving me to him. He’s on his phone in his office, and there’s no sign of Brannon. I trudge toward One, slumping in the chair across from him.
He ends his call, offering me an easy grin. “How are you?”
“Fucked up. You?” I lean forward on my knees before rolling my eyes. “I’m sorry, man. Congratulations, I hear she’s gorgeous.”
“No worries, you have a lot on your plate. Thank you, she is. She’s her mother, feisty and beautiful.” He glows he’s so happy.
“What did you name her?” I ask.
“Tierney Elise. My mother is thrilled she has her name.” He smiles. “Hadlea’s amazing, drives me insane. I feel like the Mad Hatter most days, good thing I like hats.”
“I get it. Ava’s a force to be reckoned with.” I nod. “I have a list of things we picked out for the house, even if Ava decides this isn’t her home I want it added.”
“Alright. When are you leaving?” he asks.
“Tomorrow, six in the morning.” I pick at the pocket on my shorts.
“No change?” One glances at me as he goes over the list.
“She had a bad night, called me. She was scared with Steve out and her first night alone since the assault. I stayed with her,” I explain.
“Good. It was good that you could go make her feel safe, reassure her.” One nods as he speaks.
“I was…” I look away from him to confess, “watching her. So, I was close. I knew he had gotten out, and I was worried a
bout her.” I shrug.
“I got Hadlea a security guard after her assault. It made her mad as hell, but we both felt safe, though,” One says.
“I could do that, just so she’s safe.” I think out loud.
“What happened this morning?” One stares at me, gauging my reaction, I’m sure.
“Man, all hell broke loose because we needed to leave. She had class and I have a hundred things to do today before I leave.” I run my hands through my hair, sagging in the chair.
“So, what happened?” he presses.
“She called bullshit on my excuse for not telling her I was leaving.” I sigh. “She’s right. I didn’t think it would matter because I thought she’d be long gone by now.”
“She came to see Hadlea yesterday.” One nods.
“She did? For what? I mean, why?” I lean forward, staring intently.
“Hadlea’s been working with rape and assault victims since her… rape.” He swallows hard. “Damn, it never gets easier. I could kill him,” One growls.
“I heard that. I feel nothing but rage toward Steve. But at the moment, all I could think of was Ava. Protecting her, getting her away from him. I wanted to kill him.” I bite back my anger that rages through me.
“Bit of advice?” One cocks a brow.
“Please.” I welcome it.
“Ava and Hadlea are so alike, in life and thoughts. It took her a while to understand how I felt about what happened to her, to us. We were still working on our relationship when it happened. I felt helpless, like her. I needed to protect her but most importantly, love her. Thing was, we weren’t just dealing with an assault. We had issues.
“She pushed me away more times than I care to remember, be it her past or the assault, she was fighting demons I had no idea could exist. Her self-worth was lower than it had ever been, and I blamed myself. And I did let her down, numerous times. Felt as though I’d never get it right.” He pauses.
“Exactly. I know I fucked up, but how am I supposed to fix it if she won’t let me?” I throw my hands in the air, maddened.
“Let her fix herself.” I stare at him, close to becoming unhinged. “She can do it, she needs to do it. You’ve loved her, yes, you’ve fucked up, but you’ve given her so much.”