Three Kinds of Lost: A Reverse Harem Academy Romance (The True and the Crown Book 3)

by May Dawson

  Did she know?

  My heart races. She was crying so desperately that first day when she found out she was stuck with me. Maybe she didn’t know. Wouldn’t the knowledge she was doing a personal favor for the crown prince have softened the news she was going to have an unpopular roommate? Airren and Mycroft certainly play their cards close to their vests. Maybe they didn’t tell her.

  It’s too easy for me to imagine them all in it together, whispering behind my back. Desperation to escape Avalon leaves my legs aching with desperate energy. I’d rather go back to dirtside, back to that boarding house and the job I hated, than ever think again about the four of them betraying me.

  My fingers graze stone and then, nothing but space. A bend in the wall. I find the edge, acclimate myself in the darkness, almost walk into the wall. Penny hisses at me, then chitters in my ear, as if I’ve worried her.

  “Sorry, girl. I’m not at my best today, apparently.” For some reason.

  My fingers find cool wood. The door will be sealed up from the other side. My fingers graze the metal doorknob anyway, and hoping for a miracle, I turn the knob.

  Please let me be alone.

  I push the door open and step into the back of a closet.

  Beyond that is an empty bedroom. I sigh in relief as I head quietly across the room to the door.

  It’s locked. I frown at the doorknob that won’t turn. It’s either locked from the outside, or there’s magic…

  “Tera.” Cax rises from the winged-back chair that faces the fire, away from me. “I thought you’d come this way. It’s what I would do.”

  He must have pried those boards away to make sure I’d come this way exactly. Even the sweetest and most innocent of my men is apparently always scheming.

  I hold up my hand. “I have nothing to say to you.”

  My voice comes out cool.

  “I know,” he says. “Devlin told you…everything.”

  “Funny how he’s the one who did that.” I deserved to hear it from them.

  “I’m so sorry, Tera. We should’ve told you—” He sounds so confident still, as if he’s going to explain everything and it’s going to fix this.

  I can barely breathe, as if rage has stolen the air from my lungs.

  “We just had this conversation.” I cut him off. “Remember? I should have told you about Raila, I’m so sorry.”

  He stares at me after my mocking impression of his voice. It surprised me too. But I’m not done yet.

  Each words comes out crisp, cold, when I tell him, “You’re always sorry. Once you’re caught.”

  His jaw works. There’s nothing he can say to that, and we both know it.

  “Please don’t do anything rash,” he says. “For your own sake. We can stay away until you want to see us. You could stay here at the castle with Rian and the three of us will go back to Corum—”

  “Oh?” I demand. “I should stay here with the prince who maneuvered the three of you into my life? I think I’ll pass.”

  Damn it, why am I even talking to him?

  “Let me out,” I say quietly. “I swear to God, I’ll throw myself over the balcony.”

  His gaze flickers to the balcony. “There’s no pool below.”

  “I don’t care.”

  He must see something in my face because he rises quickly, moving between me and the French doors. “I understand if you don’t forgive me. I just want you to be safe.”

  “Safe? From the True?” I demand. “I know they’re my enemy. That makes things much easier.”

  “We’re not your enemies.”

  I blow out a breath that sounds like a laugh, but isn’t. “And yet here we are. You know I want to go through that door, and you’re keeping me here. Against my will.”

  “I just want you to listen to me.” He looks at me like he wants to close the distance between us.

  I swear to God, if he does I really will go over the side of that balcony to get away from him. The guys and I have touched each other constantly, even when we’ve been fighting. They hug me, rest their elbows on my shoulders, put their hands on my hips to adjust my fighting stance or to dance with me. And I do the same, letting my lips graze their cheek as we whisper or touching their arm or even trying to push them away physically while I can’t let them go. Even when we argue, we stay close to each other.

  I don’t want him to touch me. The thought makes my skin burn.

  I meet his gaze. “I can’t hear a word you’re saying over what you’re doing.”

  “I just want you to listen to me for a minute,” he begs. “We can explain everything.”

  “Oh?” I cross the room to him abruptly, and he stiffens. I’m not sure what he expects me to do, but I reach into his pocket and draw out the pocket watch I know is always there. “All right, you’ve got one minute. Then unlock the damn door.”

  “You’ll listen to me for one minute?”

  “Start the clock.” The brass of his watch is cool against my fingers.

  I know Cax well now. I know he’s been planning what to say while he’s waited for me, and yet, now he hesitates. The seconds hand ticks relentlessly. A second passes, two.

  He runs his hand through his mop of blond hair, pushing it back from his forehead, and begins. “When I met Croft, he had a mission to blend into the academy as a student while continuing to work for the Crown. He and Airren went on multiple missions that no one ever knew about, rooting out True spies and protecting the campus from a rift on the other side of the mountain.”

  He’s breathless in his rush.

  “I started to work with them when they needed some tech I could make. That’s how I ended up being invited along when they got their new mission assignment. By then we were inseparable. I would’ve realized something was up.”

  New mission assignment. That’s me. Such an abstract word makes me ache, but at least the twisting in my gut now is real.

  “Radner gave us our assignments. She told us to watch over you, protect you, and yes, use you. But it changed for all of us, almost from the beginning. Mycroft’s struggled with it the most. That’s why he’s such an asshole. Well, one of the reasons.”

  His aside would normally make me smile. Now I just stare at him.

  He fumbles and goes on. “Airren is charming. He’s the best spy I know. But he really did fall in love with you while you were falling for him. Does that little detail—how we came into your life—even matter, when you know—”

  “Time,” I say.

  “Tera,” he says. “It’s just a detail. It’s just the first part of our story. It doesn’t change anything since.”

  I hold out his pocket watch, letting it dangle from the chain so he won’t accidentally touch my fingers when he takes it. “Unlock the door.”

  He doesn’t move to take the watch. “You don’t care about anything I just said?”

  “I need time to think,” I say. “Maybe if you had told me at a different time. Before Devlin forced your hand. But here we are, now, and I need to get out of here…”

  “Where are you going to go?”

  “I’m not telling you that.”

  “Tera,” he says. “You can go to my grandfather’s summer house. There won’t be anyone there.”

  “Sure. You’ll be nearby, watching over me, right? Reporting to Radner, who will report to someone who reports to someone who reports to Rian.” I shake my head. Holy hell. I’ve been carefully managed all this time. Every second since I picked up that letter from Corum, inviting me back home.

  “I love you,” he says. “You love me. The other stuff that’s happened, we can figure that out.”

  “Unlock the door.”

  “You’ll be in danger out there.”

  “At least I’ll be free.” Even as I say the words, I can imagine the danger I’m in quite clearly. Rian’s soft spot for me might not be enough to protect me if the Crown thinks I’ve gone rogue. My mind races, trying to think of a way to buy myself time, space. I can’t think here. I
just need to get to somewhere that I have some space, somewhere the pressure in my chest isn’t so relentless.

  He rakes his hand through his hair. “You know Airren wouldn’t let you go at all.”

  It’s true; if Rian didn’t intervene, I’m sure Airren would lock me away until I saw reason. Is Airren guarding the door to my room at the same time as he sweet-talks me, while Cax covers this exit and Mycroft patrols?

  Cax certainly lacks Airren’s finesse, though, because reminding me of that right now is not helping. My legs start to tremble beneath me, like adrenaline is coursing through my body.

  “It’s not Airren blocking my way right now, is it?” I demand.

  “Tera. ” My name on his lips sounds like a prayer.

  “Open the door, Cax.” My voice still comes out cold, but staring into his distraught green eyes, my impulse is to offer him some hope. I’m such a fool. The words are on my lips to promise that when I’m ready, we can talk. I just need to escape now. The walls feel like they’re pressing in around me.

  He still hesitates.

  “This is better for you,” I say acidly, pushing down the softer words that throb in my throat. “You can have your inheritance back. You can have your family back. Go to your mother and tell her you were never really mine, it was all for the Crown—”

  “Tera, no.” There’s an agonized note in his voice and he can’t hold himself back anymore; he rushes across the floor toward me, closing the distance between us.

  I raise my hand to stop him, and he pauses. When he gazes down at me, so near now, his face is crumpled, his dark blond brows pinched above his vivid green eyes.

  When he looks at me like that, I just might come completely undone, but I don’t know what that would look like. Instead, I grind out, “Keep your promise—for once—and open the goddamn door, Cax.”

  “I already unlocked the door.” His voice comes out a whisper, but he raises his hand, wiggling the fingers on one hand. I must not have noticed when he released the spell earlier. “I just wish you would stay.”

  “And I just wish you would have made different choices.” I head for the door, then turn back with my hand on the doorknob.

  “Help me,” I say, my voice coming out low and soft. “Buy me time. Show me that you trust me not to turn to the True, and that maybe I should put my trust in you as well…for a third time.”

  When I say that out loud, I have to wonder what kind of fool would give these men a third time.

  “That’ll be easier if you tell me where you’re going.” He doesn’t have any cards left to play, but he still tries.

  “You know where I’m going,” I say, already pulling the door open. I don’t bother to turn my head over my shoulder to be sure he can hear me when I add, “You know where I’ve always had to go.”

  Chapter 37

  Mycroft

  “Maybe I’ll be ready to talk to you when I get back,” I tell Airren, leading my horse out of the stables.

  His jaw sets, but he nods stiffly. Without any further comment, he turns on his heel and walks away toward the castle.

  I can’t talk to him yet. He did this to Tera, to us.

  And I did too. I hate myself far more than I hate him right now.

  But there is something I can do, for Tera, and so that’s what I’m doing now.

  Cutter swings up onto his horse. Behind us, in the prince’s courtyard, there’s a cloaked carriage. Moirus Neal can’t see out, and no one can see in. The two of us ride independently of the horses, which have been enchanted to follow the path to the king’s prison. They’ll make two scheduled stops for us to rest. Other than that, we’re supposed to keep up or message for help.

  It’s good security, but it’s not perfect.

  “Be careful,” Cax says, watching with worried eyes.

  I have the reins in my hand as I stop and gesture him closer.

  He closes the distance between us.

  I cloak my words even though it’s just the two of us. “You let her go, didn’t you?”

  He bites his lower lip, and I’d know from that, but I still wait. He has a long way to go until he’s a hardened spy.

  Maybe he’ll never be one. Maybe we’d all be happier that way.

  “Yes,” he says. “We have to win her trust back, Croft.”

  I can’t say anything to that. I don’t know if we can, or if we even should try. Maybe Tera Donovan is better off without us all.

  But I will do everything in my power to protect her, to repay the debt I owe her. If I never see her again, except at a distance, I’ll still be at her service. It doesn’t matter what she chooses.

  “You did the right thing,” I tell him.

  Surprise flashes across his face.

  He’s hurting, and part of me wants to grab him in a hug. I’m not an affectionate man, but it’s still hard to see him struggle.

  But I don’t know if we deserve each other right now, either, after all the pain we’ve caused. I remember pinning Tera between us, covering her in kisses, and all the promise of that day. I pulled away from her after that because I knew this day was coming.

  And yet, I didn’t stop it from unfolding.

  I nod goodbye to him and leave him there, alone. He watches as I climb onto my horse. Cutter checks his watch, and the carriage begins moving, slowly and intractable, as the horses pull out. The two of us ride alongside them through the expanse of the courtyard, and then fall behind them as we reach the gate.

  I don’t look back.

  The two of us ride for two hours without stopping. Then Cutter checks his watch again. “We have a stop coming up in half an hour.”

  “Yes.” I’m keenly aware of the minutes ticking by, though I haven’t been checking the time.

  “Ten minutes to let Neal out. It’s a dangerous time.”

  “It is.”

  “For him,” he says, “if he tries to escape.”

  My eyes flicker over to Cutter. I’ve been working my way over the plan, over and over. How I can protect Cutter and keep myself out of prison, and still cut down Moirus Neal.

  Tera can’t be left alone without her magic. She has so many enemies. She will be destroyed if we leave her; I know that as certainly as I always knew the pain this path would bring us all.

  “It seems to me that, while the Crown always seeks justice, it would benefit ultimately if Neal did happen to turn up dead.”

  “The True will need to see Tera’s magic restored in order for the Crown to use her,” Cutter says.

  To use her. The words make me prickle with irritation.

  “As a spy in her own right,” Cutter adds. “If that’s what she chooses.”

  “Does she have a choice, for her to stay in Avalon?”

  “I don’t know,” Cutter says, and the last of the pretense drops away. “But without her magic, she will be killed. Sooner or later. By the True, by a vengeful civilian…”

  “By the Crown?”

  “You would know that better than me,” he says.

  I think Airren will do everything he can to prevent that.

  I don’t know if he’ll succeed.

  “The prince still takes an interest in her.” Thank God. The prince’s father, however, takes an entirely different interest, and the two of them have different spies in their pocket.

  And this is the functional kingdom, forget the clusterfuck that is Vasilik to the north. Diplomacy is a disaster, and politics is worse.

  “Maybe that’ll be enough,” Cutter says. “With the promise of her usefulness down the line.”

  “Potential usefulness.”

  “She’ll come around,” Cutter says.

  “You think so?”

  He nods. “She’s a survivor.”

  Let’s hope. “She’s not thinking right now.”

  Cutter snorts. “Yeah, she rejected the three of you, I think she’s thinking just fine.”

  Uplifting thoughts. Asshole.

  “You’re going to follow her after we transport the
prisoner?” he asks.

  “Yes.”

  “Corum should be quiet for a while then.”

  “How do you know she’s not going back to school?” I don’t want anyone to know where to follow Tera. Not even Cutter. He’s one of the good guys, but he’s not one of us.

  Cutter doesn’t dignify that with an answer. Anyone could figure out that she won’t go back to the academy. For me, Corum University would be haunted by Tera’s memories. And I deserve to be troubled by her ghost in the hallways, in the classroom where I sat with her when she was being bullied, in my bed. But it’ll be the same for her—the three of us around every corner—and she won’t want that.

  “Should the Crown decide that you had something to do with his death, your commission might be in danger,” he says, as if he’s musing out loud.

  I don’t give a damn about that anymore. I grunt in response. It would be nice if Cutter was on my side, or at least would stay out of my way.

  “But at least there are two of us,” he goes on. “So though you might have motive to try to help the girl, no one would accuse me of such a thing.”

  After all, Cutter’s had her in handcuffs more than once.

  A better man would not feel so self-satisfied that he read Cutter right. I expected that he might be loyal, that he might choose to protect Tera even at the cost of breaking the law. Cutter is one of the best in the force, not solely because he’s a good detective, but because he thinks for himself. He judges what’s right and wrong for himself. I should have done more of that.

  “When the carriage stops,” I say idly, “I worry there might be a True enchantment on the door. There are True spies even in the prince’s castle.”

  “So it might release,” Cutter says. “We’ll have to be ready.”

  “It might.”

  “Well, the order was to bring Neal in, and if he dies in the process, the Crown will forgive the error.”

  “Indeed.”

  It’s a strange, uncomfortable thing to trust Cutter.

  The carriage slows ahead of us.

  Chapter 38

  Airren