by Jared Stone
“What if a thought does come to my mind?” asked the boy sheepishly.
Gus just laughed. “I guarantee that something will,” he responded unapologetically. “But just allow the thoughts to rise, acknowledge them briefly, and let them pass. You’ll only hinder your own progress if you try to suppress the thoughts entirely. Your aim will eventually be to release the desire to have no thoughts, as even the desire to empty your mind will keep your mind occupied – thus not empty. Just let go.”
They hadn’t even begun yet, and already felt tired. “Okay,” said the boy as he moved his butt around one final time in an attempt to release the tension that had already crept into his leg muscles. “Let’s do this.”
Gus grinned back and nodded in agreement. Lucian took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
“Oh, and make sure to breathe,” added Gus. “We won’t focus on how to breathe yet as you get used to sitting, but just make sure you breathe deeply. Inhale and exhale slowly.”
Okay, thought Lucian. Here goes nothing….
The boy sat with his eyes closed, breathing in and out and trying not to focus on the aching in his extremities. Okay, empty your mind. You just need to empty your mind. Gus said not to think about the past or future. Breathe in. But that was the past. Damn. Think about the present. Breathe out. No, don’t think. Empty your mind. How do I not think!? Breathe in. That seems impossible. Why does the “im” in “impossible” mean “not”? Shouldn’t it be “Un” or “In?” Breathe out. Wait. Dammit! Empty. Gotta be empty. Breathe in. God, this hurts my legs. Why do I have to sit like this? Isn’t my mind totally separate from my body? Breathe out. I could do this lying down. That sounds good. I want to sleep right now. Breathe in. NO! I need to focus on emptying my mind. Or, I guess not focus on emptying my mind. Breathe out. That seems odd…. Damn!
Lucian snapped his eyes open and looked over at Gus, who still sat smiling at him.
“How long was that?” asked Lucian in a desperately hopeful tone.
Gus’ face lost its smile. “Ummm, like, ten seconds,” he responded bluntly.
“Ugh! This isn’t going to work!” Lucian exclaimed, exasperated. “It’s impossible to empty my mind!”
Gus just laughed. “You’ve barely even tried! Have some patience. A wise man once told me that you should view the things that irritate you the most as your perfect partners in practicing patience and be thankful for them.”
Well, that man was clearly a moron, thought Lucian spitefully.
“It’s useless,” the boy said instead. “I have no talent or training for this sort of thing. I’m obviously no good at any of this. I’m not the guy you’re looking for. I have nothing for you.”
“Like a door! Like a vase!” Panhavant exclaimed suddenly. Lucian glanced over at him for a moment without comprehension, then turned back to Gus for the translation.
“What Panhavant is trying to say,” explained Gus, “is that, sometimes, having something is valuable, but having nothing can be more useful. Just like a doorway or a vase, it’s actually in the absence of something that we find the true usefulness of these objects. The perfect balance between somethingness and nothingness is essential.”
“Great,” Lucian stated in return. “That’s not exactly reassuring….”
“It’s a good thing,” Gus insisted. “There are plenty of people who have tons of experience in these things, but they cling to wrong understanding and, because of that, are nearly impossible to teach or help grow. You’re starting from a blank slate; if you only allow your mind to open and trust us, you have the ability to develop into a great master.”
Lucian almost laughed. There was no way he could picture himself as a “great master” in his current state, and he truly wasn’t even sure he would want to end up like Panhavant if given the choice. But the promise of mastery over his supposed powers still remained tantalizing to him, and he resolved that he would continue trying until he succeeded.
“Alright!” exclaimed Lucian with a firm resolve in his voice that hadn’t existed at any point in the past few days. “Let’s give it another try!”
“Great!” responded Gus. “This time, I’ll do it, too.”
Lucian shut his eyes again as Gus got into position next to him. The boy shifted his focus back to his mind. Okay, Lucian, you’ve got this. Just empty. Empty. Breathe in. Think happy thoughts. No, think no thoughts. Breathe out. Mmmmmmm. That works well, why don’t we chant something like I saw in that movie that time? Breathe in. But there are so many people around, that would be weird. Breathe out. But seeing us just sitting here like this would be weird too.
Lucian carefully peeked through one eyelid, as if he was a child cheating at hide-and-seek. In front of him, he could see Panhavant, absolutely still and seemingly cut off entirely from the world in which he sat. Around them, people passed by the tree or lay in the grass just a short distance away, but none seemed to pay any attention to the three meditating men at all. It was almost as if they hadn’t even noticed. Lucian suddenly recalled what he should have been doing and once again closed his eyes.
Okay, then, back to it. Breathe in. Ouch, my legs hurt so badly. Just throbbing. Gus said that I could stand up. Maybe I should. Breathe out. Or maybe I should just push through it. It would be really cool to control my qi. Breathe in. I have to do this to fight back if I get attacked again. And why did that demon look so familiar? Breathe out. Should I be focused on breathing? It seems weird that I should breathe like this when I’m trying to empty my mind. Breathe in. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this at all. I have a ton of homework that needs to be done. If I’m not going home, I should get ahead on the next project for World History. Breathe out. Then I’m sure there’s another paper for Schuntz. When is the next one due anyway? Breathe in. I need to empty my mind, I’ll check later. Mmmmmmm. Breathe out. My legs are really aching now. That pain shooting up through the back of my knee. Maybe I should take a break. Ugh, I’m so pathetic.
Lucian snapped his eyes open. He felt ashamed that he couldn’t sit for longer than he had, but it was so uncomfortable and seemingly hopeless that he need-ed a break if he wanted any chance of relaxing. The boy slowly unfolded his legs, feeling the irritating tingle as blood returned to the previously pinched off arteries. It took a minute or two before Lucian felt comfortable standing. As he did so, his knees made cracking noises, and Lucian mused that he must look and sound older than Panhavant himself. Thankfully, his movement did not seem to bother the two men by his side at all; they both continued their sitting meditation without interruption, which pleased Lucian, as he hadn’t wanted to disturb them with his weakness.
Standing up fully, Lucian wiggled each leg in the air briefly and placed both hands on his hips. He leaned forward and backward and then side to side, realizing that meditation was not only taxing on the legs and mind, but on the back as well. As his body gradually loosened, Lucian looked around him. The sun had come out fully now, and the areas outside the shade of the tree looked lovely and inviting. The stream that flowed through the center of the park babbled along over the rocks and under the little stone bridge, and Lucian decided that sitting by it would be a nice separation from the confounding, enlightened world beneath the canopy of branches and leaves. The boy cautiously stepped away from the meditation group, trying his best to make no sound as his feet connected with the dirt below.
Stepping out into the sunlight, Lucian felt soothing warmth penetrate his face and back as he made his way over to a large, flat rock beside the water. He sat down on the firm surface delicately and let his legs hang down over the side, just above the water. He had had enough of crossing them for one day. Leaning back, Lucian closed his eyes and listened to the sound of flowing water and children merrily laughing and playing around him. THIS is how one should meditate, he thought to himself. SO much more relaxing!
Lucian breathed deeply a few times, enjoying the serenity of his calm little spot beside the stream. Despite all the contemplation and meditation, he hadn�
�t really had any time to slow down and just be since the attack at the library. All of his time was spent with Gus, and, even though the Kílán was friendly and seemed to genuinely care for Lucian’s wellbeing, the boy still appreciated some alone time now and again. He had been reluctant to appear vulnerable in front of his new companions, but this constant display of bravado was utterly draining. It’s healthy for me to take this time away to realign myself, he reasoned.
The sound of water flowing over the rocks soothed Lucian’s nerves and lulled him into a temporary sense of security. His life seemed to be spinning out of control over the past few days, and everything he once held to be true about the world around him had been thrown into question. Demons and immortals and qi powers had been enjoyable to fantasize about when he was a child, but their actual invasion into his life was unwelcome and highly inconvenient. True, he was learning many interesting things from Panhavant and Gus, but he had even struggled with the simple process of going off to college and living alone for the first time in his life. He wasn’t at all certain he was ready or cut out to help these Kílánór in any way.
“Taking a little break?” asked a friendly voice from his left. Squinting in the sunlight, Lucian could see that Gus had stopped meditating and had come to stand beside him. The Kílán wore his characteristic, big grin, and Lucian couldn’t help but smile back at him.
“Yeah,” said the boy, sitting up straight on the rock so he could better see his companion. “Just taking some time to relax and think. Just center myself a little bit…, in my own way.”
Gus took a seat on a rock next to Lucian’s. “I know it’s been a lot to take in,” he said sympathetically. “I’ve been there before, myself. Many years ago!” He let out a short chuckle at this. Lucian understood the reference now, but he still couldn’t share in the amusement.
“Sometimes it just seems like too much,” admitted Lucian, shaking his head. “I’m always so tired and confused now. It’s like I don’t know who to believe and who to trust. It’s exhausting.”
“I know,” Gus stated softly. He paused for a minute, collecting his thoughts, then perked up suddenly. “But this might help! Whenever I get stressed, I just say to myself, ‘This, too, shall pass.’ A very great king taught me that, long ago. That single phrase is surprisingly powerful. It has the ability to make you relax when you’re stressed, happy when you’re sad, and even remind you when you feel happy that nothing will last forever. It gives me balance in my outlook on life and my emotions. You should try it sometime.”
Lucian thought that this recommendation seemed reasonable. The more he mulled it over, ‘This, too, shall pass’ was applicable to any situation. Things were always changing around him, and, no matter how desperately he hoped that they would remain comfortably the same, nothing ever would. And, if it indeed held the secret to Gus’ seemingly endless optimism and smiles, he was willing to give it a try.
“I’ll be sure to remember that,” said Lucian with an upbeat quality to his voice. Gus simply nodded his head in agreement while his fingers went to work unwrapping the energy bar he had just pulled from his inner jacket pocket. Once he had uncovered his much-needed snack, Gus dove in and ripped off a massive bite with his teeth. Lucian glanced back over at Panhavant. The tiny sage still sat motionless beneath the giant tree.
“He sure can stay like that a long time!” Lucian said with a chuckle.
“For days,” Gus responded seriously through a mouth full of half-chewed chocolate protein. “He’ll just keep sitting til he won’t sit anymore. Then he doesn’t.” He shrugged dismissively as he stated the last point.
Lucian stared back at the Kílán with eyes wide. He couldn’t imagine sitting that way for 10 minutes, let alone 10 hours or days. But, in the grand scheme of what he had been told recently, this fact seemed almost plausible, and he found himself believing Gus without his typical shield of skepticism.
“Panhavant seems like the type who would be living alone at the top of a mountain somewhere,” posited Lucian as he continued to eye the old man. “Why is he down here in the city?”
“Is there any better place to live if you want to help people?” Gus asked him in return after swallowing another big mouthful. “Panhavant is here to guide all beings toward enlightenment, or at least greater understanding. He wouldn’t be able to do something like that all alone on a mountain somewhere; being around people provides the best chance to make a lasting impact in the world. Additionally, separating yourself from life and interaction with others is inherently unhealthy and ultimately leads to an un-balanced existence and distorted world view.”
Lucian had never thought about it that way before. Somehow, in his head, he had had a glorified notion of the reclusive sage, so wise that he cut himself off from humanity entirely. Shown in this new light, his fanciful model suddenly seemed naïve and selfish; he came to the realization that, if one understood the secrets of the universe, that individual should never keep such beneficial knowledge to himself.
“Panhavant just is where he is,” Gus continued. “He doesn’t choose to be there, nor is it chosen for him. It simply happens along with the natural balance and flow of the universe. His wisdom is great, and, thankfully, we have the opportunity to experience some of that. But neither you nor I currently have the ability to comprehend the universe like he can.”
Even though he felt overwhelmed, Lucian was also honestly appreciative of the time he had spent with the tiny sage. Panhavant’s words rarely conveyed anything that the boy could fully understand, and, without Gus, Lucian feared he might be completely lost while attempting to train under Panhavant. But Lucian also always felt closer to enlightenment around the old man, as if the sage’s very presence brought others closer to an understanding of life’s greatest mysteries.
“Anyway, Lucian,” said Gus, abruptly cutting off the boy’s stream of thoughts. “I’ve got something I have to do tonight. This whole situation with Zagan has the potential to be much bigger than I originally thought, and I think I’m gonna need to touch base with some old friends about something.” Gus’ face then grew concerned as he asked, “Will you be okay on your own tonight?”
Lucian was surprised by a sudden jolt of fear which shot through him at the notion of spending the night in his room unaccompanied. He had so craved to be alone only moments before; he wondered why he was now experiencing such a negative reaction. The seemingly contradictory forces within his own mind were still a complete mystery to him.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine!” Lucian responded, forcing out a smile. He didn’t want to let Gus see that he was afraid, lest the Kílán feel obligated to stay by his side. Besides, Gus couldn’t be with him forever, all day and all night, and Lucian would have to learn to be okay staying by himself again at some point.
“Good,” said Gus, smiling meekly, as if he truly didn’t believe it himself. “Then I’ll meet you back here tomorrow morning. I wanna teach you some more stuff.” Letting out an unexpected, lighthearted chuckle, he added, “Plus, I really need to change my clothes!”
This elicited a laugh from Lucian, too, who hadn’t before given any thought to Gus’ need to shower or change clothing. The boy had been so wrapped up in his own problems and imagination that he had almost taken it as a foregone conclusion that the Kílán would not have the same kinds of earthly and material needs as he. Now that he realized the truth, Lucian noticed that what had once been stubble had grown out to more of a beard, and he could only imagine how disgusting Gus must feel after at least two full days without washing.
“Yes, please!” exclaimed Lucian, comically waving his hand in front of his face as if attempting to fan away the stench. Gus chuckled again and playfully pushed the boy’s shoulder, almost forcing him to fall backwards off the rock. Once Lucian had again righted himself, Gus stood up.
“Well, I guess I’ll be going now!” the Kílán said, slapping his palms down on his thighs as he rose. “You can head out too if you want, Lucian. I know you must be tired and s
tressed, and I don’t wanna force all of this on you too quickly. Panhavant will probably just be like that for the rest of the night anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess I will,” Lucian responded, standing as well and twisting his back around to once again stretch out his aches. “So…, same time, same place tomorrow, then?”
“Definitely!” Gus agreed, patting Lucian lightly on the back before turning to walk through the park, away from the public transit line. Lucian made his own way back to the train platform, secretly hoping that no misfortune would befall him that night.
* * *
Koryak Okrug, Siberia
A frail old man, just shy of his ninth decade on this earth, slowly crept across the creaking floorboards of his cabin to arrive at a valve sticking out of his wall. Reaching his trembling hand out to rest it on the bright red handle, the man twisted it open with some considerable effort. Immediately, the hissing of gas could be heard as it passed from the massive storage tank behind the home, through the open valve, down a hose, and into the white metal stove beside him. Walking over to this appliance, the old man then turned the front knob and hit the ignition button. From underneath one of the grates on the stovetop, a blue flame erupted forth and lit up the otherwise darkened room. A soothing warmth arose, gradually beating back the barely tolerable cold that had seeped in from the inhospitable land outside.
Basking in the warm glow, the man held out his wrinkled hands and smiled as he began to regain some feeling in his fingers. After a moment of this, however, the smile retreated from his face, and he turned away from the stove.
“Reveal yourself,” his croaking voice commanded in German to the darkened corners of the cabin. He paused afterwards, listening intently for a response in the silence his retreating words had left behind.
“You are a difficult man to locate,” another voice stated from the shadows. Following this, a figure in a long black coat seemed to emerge from nowhere, stepping into the pale light cast from the stovetop as a golden coin glinted upon his chest.