Coming Attractions

by Robin Jones Gunn

  “I know you do. So do I. I was making the usual rounds tonight in my clown-mobile, as you call it, and realized I’ve been here for almost a year, but I haven’t gone to the mountains.”

  “It’s too bad you didn’t decide to go during the winter when there was snow. Have you ever seen snow before?”

  “Of course I’ve seen snow.”

  “Well, your being from Africa and all…”

  Eli looked amused. “We have a few mountains in Africa too, you know.”

  “Really? Like mountains that get snow?”

  “Have you heard of Kilimanjaro?”

  “Maybe.”

  “It’s across the border in Tanzania, but it’s not far from where my parents live. The summit is almost 20,000 feet.”

  “Twenty thousand? Wow, it would catch a little snow at that height.”

  “Kilimanjaro is the tallest mountain in Africa. My dad and I hiked it two years ago. Not all the way to the top. You need to be expedition outfitted to trek to the summit of the highest peak. We went far enough to freeze our tails off and take some awesome pictures.”

  “Oh, yeah, now that I think about it, I did see some of those pictures in the presentation you did for chapel.”

  “That was Kilimanjaro.”

  “I want to go to Africa someday.”

  “You do?”

  Katie glanced at him. “Haven’t I ever told you that?”

  “No. I’m surprised.”

  “Why?”

  “When the outreach team met a few months ago, you went to the first meeting but walked out after twenty minutes.”

  “I received a text saying I needed to go back to the dorm for a problem that came up. I don’t remember now what it was. I didn’t attend the next meeting or sign up for the trip because of Rick.”

  “Why? Didn’t Rick want you to go?”

  “He didn’t come out and say it, but I knew he wouldn’t understand why I wanted to go. At the time, things were so great for Rick and me that I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship.”

  Katie paused a moment before adding, “How pathetic is that? I held off going to Africa, and look how everything turned out.”

  “I don’t see your decision as pathetic.”

  “Thanks, Eli, but in a way, it was.”

  “How is it pathetic to be committed to someone you deeply care for? I think the level of loyalty that both you and Rick showed toward each other and your relationship was impressive.”

  “Impressive, huh? Is that what we were? Rick would probably like that description.”

  “I can’t think of another couple I know who tried so hard for so long to make each other happy. What you guys worked through was impressive.”

  Katie wasn’t sure how to take Eli’s comment. She knew from one of her classes this semester that, when a person puts on a false front to let another individual get his or her way, the relationship is unhealthy. Eventually the stronger personality wins out in making the decisions, and the other person is falsely compliant, ending up stifled and frustrated.

  The class instructor had applied that relational model to politics and the misdirection of funds to developing nations. However, while studying for her final, Katie put herself and Rick into the model. While she didn’t think the concept fit them exactly, she did see similarities. She wanted to believe she had stayed true to her personality throughout their relationship and not put on a false front, but she wasn’t sure Rick had done the same.

  “I still don’t see why you say that what Rick and I did was impressive.”

  “Because both of you tried so hard.”

  “I take it you don’t think a good relationship requires a lot of trying or a lot of hard work.”

  “Sure it does. But I also think a good relationship rolls out naturally and unforced. Like waves. Love comes on its own schedule. It’s inconvenient and organic, and that’s what makes it real.”

  Katie squirmed in her seat and adjusted her rearview mirror. Eli’s words made her heart do a little skip, and that made her uncomfortable. If she were to be honest with herself and with Eli, she would blurt out that she agreed with him. These were things she had tried to express to Rick for months, but he was too set on weighing, measuring, and scheduling every step of their relationship.

  She couldn’t bring herself to jump in with an affirmation of Eli’s comment. Instead, she challenged him. “So tell me, what’s your idea of a successful relationship?” Katie hated the word successful since that was a defining term for Rick, but it seemed the best word to use if the conversation were to stay on a more impersonal level.

  Eli settled deeper into the passenger’s seat. “I’m not big on measuring things by success.”

  “And why is that?” She knew she was presenting the opposite side of her feelings on the subject, but she wasn’t about to let down her guard. Not here. Not now.

  “I don’t think many of us know how to accurately measure success,” Eli said. “That’s because God’s ways aren’t our ways, and his thoughts aren’t our thoughts. So much of the kingdom of God is measured on a different scale than the one the world uses to measure value. I should warn you, I just turned in a final paper last week for my doctrine class on the Law of Christ, so stop me if you don’t want a lecture.”

  “We have over an hour. Go ahead, spill your knowledge. Prove that you’re almost a college graduate.”

  Eli seemed to like her challenge. “The title of my paper was, ‘Love God and Do What You Want.’ ”

  Katie had heard that line a year ago in her doctrine class. She even vaguely remembered what she had written for the essay question. Something about how Christ fulfilled the Old Testament command to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and that he added, “love your neighbor as yourself.” That meant people needed to love themselves so that they could treat others with the same love and kindness they showed themselves.

  She had received a 78 out of 100 on her paper and was guessing Eli’s paper had been along the same lines.

  However, as his voice picked up speed, she saw how passionate he was about his ideas. In a way, Eli reminded her of Todd, with the spiritual side of life being Eli’s default setting on any given topic. That especially showed up in his subtle but commanding air when he was in front of people.

  Rick’s good looks gave him a commanding presence no matter where he was. When he gave instructions at the café, everyone took it as coming from their commanding officer. His words were often sharp and direct. And they were obeyed.

  With Eli, the commanding air was different. He looked average on the outside. Better than average, actually. Especially now that his hair had grown long and curly. He had a handsome face, not chiseled like Rick’s, but more approachable and unintimidating. While Eli appeared average and accessible on the outside, once he stood in front of a group and spoke, his presence became surprisingly powerful. His words flowed clear and steady, like a pristine underground spring that found its way to the surface and watered everything around it.

  “Love starts in the heart,” Eli said. “Not just in the head. All love engages the emotions.”

  Katie tuned back to what he was saying.

  “So, if I love God, and I mean really love God with abandon, then I must come to love myself, my life. I need to love my story at the heart level. That’s what I believe life is for all of us. A story being written by God. He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. When I start to love my story, with all its messed up twists and turns, then I can love other people who are living out their own stories with all their messed up twists and turns.”

  Katie jumped in. “I’ve been learning to make peace with my story this past year too. Or, I guess I should say, the story God is writing in my life. I have my share of messed up twists and turns.”

  “We all do. If we didn’t, why would we need a Savior? Why would we need God’s grace? And in my story, why would I need the power of forgivenes
s if I could simply work out my anger on my own?”

  “Do you think you’ve really forgiven the guy who attacked you and your mom?”

  “Yes. Not all at once. It’s been a process. But, yes, I’ve forgiven him. I don’t hold an account against him anymore.”

  “Did he get arrested or anything?”

  “No. He wasn’t arrested or tried or even caught. Not in that part of Zaire. Some things will never be brought to justice. At least not on a human level. That’s why I said I don’t hold out a case against him anymore. If there’s going to be any justice, it will be measured out by God, not by me.”

  “That’s pretty intense.”

  “I know. It’s like I was saying about our stories. I don’t know that guy’s story. Why would he do that? What demonic force pressed in on him to act in that way? I mean, if I’m going to go around saying I love God, then I have to trust him and believe that everything in my life first passed through his fingers. Nothing happens outside of his control. He alone will bring all things to justice one day. All I’m supposed to do is love my own story so that I can love that guy’s story too.”

  Katie felt a swirl of emotions at Eli’s words. She agreed with him in theory and even knew personally some of the freedom of forgiveness. Early in the semester Julia had helped her to go through a process of forgiving her parents for being so emotionally disengaged in her life. She also forgave Rick for the ways he had hurt her during their high school years. She knew what it was like to no longer carry the weight of that unforgiveness.

  But forgiving someone who had done what Eli’s attacker had done? Katie had no way to relate to the depth of that sort of forgiveness.

  “You kind of amaze me,” Katie said awkwardly.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “For starters, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk this much. And this is deep stuff, Eli.”

  “It’s the stuff life is made of. The world is a dark place.”

  Katie felt a somberness covering her. She had listened to many women on her floor as they told pieces of their stories. She knew a lot of darkness filled this world. Terrible things happened to very good people.

  She tried to remember how she had felt a few weeks ago when Eli said he was a victim of grace. She wanted to return now to that same feeling of hope.

  Eli’s voice lowered. “You know, I think the best thing I learned this year was when I helped to put the strings of lights around the palm trees on upper campus.”

  Katie was amused and touched. She loved the lights on the palm trees. She loved the way they had transformed upper campus.

  “And what did you learn from the palm tree, O Sage One?”

  “I didn’t learn anything from the palm trees. What I learned was that light transforms darkness. The first time we hit that On switch, I couldn’t believe how much difference a little touch of light made in the middle of all that darkness. We’re all a bunch of small light bulbs, you know? We just hang in there, and when God’s power comes on, it’s amazing. The darkness is transformed. Especially when we stay connected to each other.”

  Katie glanced over at him again. A half-dozen thoughts scrambled inside her, trying to line up with everything she knew about life, love, and God.

  Could it be that simple? We just stay connected, and God is the one who flips the On switch with all the power?

  She was feeling strangely jittery, and her stomach was clenching. Returning her view to the road ahead, Katie still couldn’t believe how open Eli was. He seemed like a different person than the Eli she had first seen at Todd and Christy’s wedding.

  “Hang on a minute.” Eli pulled out a small flashlight and looked at his folded-up map. “You’re going to want to take the next exit. Not this one, but the next one. Waterman.”

  “Okay.” Katie put on her blinker and changed lanes, ready to make the turn to exit the freeway and head for the mountains.

  For a moment she flashed back to a conversation she had had with Rick while they were driving on a freeway several months ago. At the time she was exasperated over being in the slow lane of their relationship for so long. She wanted Rick to put on the dating blinker and move them over to the fast lane.

  At the time Rick wasn’t willing to make the move. Their relationship stayed in the same, straight, slow lane for what seemed like an unbearably long stretch to Katie.

  Symbolically, she liked what was happening now. It felt much better to be exiting the straight lanes of the freeway and taking the winding side streets that led to destinations not yet explored.

  “I can’t believe how we’ve come so far so quickly.” Katie was referring to the distance they had traveled in the car. Eli apparently took her comment to mean how far the two of them had come as a result of their open conversation over the past hour.

  “I know,” Eli said. “I wish you and I had been able to talk to each other like this last summer. It would have been a completely different school year. I wasn’t there yet.”

  He paused and added, “But I am now.”

  21

  Katie refused to read anything into Eli’s comment about “being there now.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. Was he indicating that he was ready to pursue a relationship with her beyond what it was now?

  No, that couldn’t be what he meant. Why would he even hint at such a thing? He’s going back to Kenya, and I’m on an indefinite fast from all dating relationships. No way am I going to let myself tumble headlong into another dead-end crush. I’ve done that far too often.

  As soon as Katie thought that, she felt her heart beat faster. She knew Eli would never be a crush. No, not a crush. She realized that if she opened her heart to him, life as she knew it would be over. This guy would love her back with more kindness, intensity, and freedom than she ever had experienced. Except for maybe the relationship she had with Christy. And now with Julia. Katie knew what if felt like to be knit together at the heart with true friends.

  But she refused even to consider a relationship on that level with Eli. Stopping the car at a light on Waterman Avenue, she felt a frown coming over her face. She didn’t like the conclusion she had just arrived at while straightening the wiggly line that had been her connection with Eli for the past year.

  Basically, you just told yourself that if you’re going to have a relationship with Eli, it has to be all or nothing. He cares about you. You know it, but you just won’t admit it. If you allow yourself for one minute to care even one pinch about him, he’ll get in your heart, and you know it.

  Katie reached over and turned on her car radio. She pressed a button that switched to her own music selection and went for something on the jazzy side.

  “Have you heard this group before?” Katie had to talk loud over the music. Her voice sounded urgent. She needed to redirect the conversation. Pronto!

  “It’s not African dance music like you had on when we went to the desert,” she added. “But it’s good for waking us up. Do you want to stop for coffee, by the way? I’m sure we can find a gas station convenience store somewhere around here that’s open.”

  Eli seemed to be studying her, trying to understand the abrupt change in her demeanor.

  Katie glanced at him and then back at the road. “Not to be rude or anything, Eli, but you’ve got that staring thing going on again.”

  He was quiet for a moment. Then he countered with, “Not to be rude or anything, Katie, but you’ve got that nervous defense mechanism thing going on again.”

  Katie felt a rush of blood to her face. She looked straight ahead and clenched her teeth. No one called her out on her stuff. No one!

  She didn’t know what to say.

  Unmoved by her discomfort or her silence, Eli shuffled through her music. He changed to a different song that had a more defined drumbeat. Flipping on his handy-dandy little flashlight, he checked the map again.

  “This road will take us up the mountain,” Eli said. “Stay on Waterman.”

  “Okay.” Her voice ca
me out solid even though her flapping heart felt wobbly. She drove another few miles and calmed down. Eli was calm. Why shouldn’t she be calm? There was no reason to get upset or start a small war here in the car.

  But Katie felt odd, letting the topic float there around them without forcing a resolution or conclusion. She also felt safe. That was the oddest part. Katie knew she didn’t have to adjust her temperament or personality when she was around Eli.

  They stopped at a gas station before heading up the hills into the San Bernardino Mountains. Eli went for a big cup of coffee while Katie selected a bottle of New Zealand glacier water and stood in line behind Eli.

  “I’ll buy that.” He reached for her bottle of water.

  “No, that’s okay. I have money.”

  A guy came in with three boxes that looked like they contained donuts and headed to the back of the store. As soon as he walked past, Katie caught the scent and knew her suspicions were right.

  “Are those for sale?” she asked.

  “They will be as soon as I put them in the case.”

  “I’ll take one.”

  “So will I,” Eli said.

  A few minutes later the two of them were back in Katie’s car, sinking their teeth into early-morning-fresh-from-the-bakery donuts.

  “Oh, man,” Katie cooed after her first swallow. “They’re still warm.”

  “Good stuff,” Eli said. “We sure never had junk food like this when I was growing up.”

  “You want another one?”

  Before Eli could answer, she was out the door with her donut between her lips and her wallet in hand. She bought three donuts. Two of them were for her and Eli. The third one she gave to the cashier and said, “Merry Christmas.”

  He looked amused and chomped into the donut before she was out the door.

  “You didn’t need to buy me another one, Katie.”

  “Yes, I did. You only had Glazed Donut 101. If you’re going to learn the ways of American gluttony and the delights of warm lard, then you really need to go for this advanced course. Donut 201. Chocolate-covered, old-fashioned buttermilk. This is the reason aliens keep trying to land on planet Earth. They want this recipe.”