If This Isn't Love
ShanicexLola
Copyright © 2018 by ShanicexLola
All rights reserved. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales or, is entirely coincidental. No portion of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without writer permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Contents
Title Page
Synopsis
Introduction
Prologue
Amiyah
Karim
Amiyah
Karim
Amiyah
Karim
Amiyah
Epilogue
Author’s Note
Synopsis
“Right now, you’re safe. Free to leave me at any time. I can’t tie you down like that, baby. Not when you deserve better than me.” —Karim Lawson
During her upbringing, Amiyah Mays swooned over her parent’s devoted foundation. She admired their twenty years of unwavering love and prayed to the heavens that she would one day attain an incontestable love of her own.
Karim Lawson fit the card. He was dangerous in the best ways and endearing when it counted the most. After six years of bliss, the revelation that they may not have the same vision began to stump their growth. Feeling stagnant in their relationship, Amiyah issued Karim an ultimatum to securely commit or be free. A happily ever after is what she’s after, even if it’s acquired without him.
Will Amiyah’s demand for more push Karim away? Or, will he shun his fears for the woman he loves?
Introduction
Hey, you!
Thank you so much for supporting me thus far! For that, I am forever grateful. This novella is beautifully intense. However, it’s all love. Enjoy!
xoxo, ShanicexLola
Prologue
Amiyah stared at the outcome of her hard work that was spread out on the long, glass dining room table. Nodding vigorously, she smiled at the food dishes she prepared to celebrate her six-year anniversary with Karim.
A four-cheese macaroni dish with the edges crisp, just the way he liked it, sat upon the middle of the table. The glass dish was surrounded by barbecued baked chicken, sautéed green beans with small bits of bacon mixed into them, and cornbread muffins. A strawberry cheesecake that she was anxious to dig into with him after dinner was in the fridge. Everything was in place and set to be indulged in, but her long-time boyfriend, Karim, was missing.
More times than none, the streets received more attention from Karim than she did. They’d been together since she was twenty-four—since he was twenty-five. Still, time hadn’t changed the precedence on Karim’s mind.
Money over everything.
Never too much money.
The details on how he spent his time in the streets were unspoken and unavailable to her, but Amiyah was no fool. She had a few ideas and even a few leads, beginning with the two pieces of protection he kept on himself at all times. Nearly every night, she had to remind him that he was in the safety of his own home. She assured him he could put his pistols away instead of keeping them so close that it made her feel uneasy. Karim was always on guard to command respect and protect them. Amiyah harbored a love-hate relationship with that.
“Pretty girl.” Karim’s deep baritone carried from the living room. When he was inside the condo they shared, Amiyah felt more at home and thoroughly completed in his presence.
“I’m in the dining room,” she responded and smiled at her feet. She blushed at the nickname that made her heart skip a beat each time it fell from his full, enticing lips.
Amiyah didn’t move from where she stood. Staring straight ahead, she anticipated his touch. Closing her eyes, she sighed blissfully when Karim came up behind her and leaned down to kiss her neck. Shifting her long braids to the other side of her neck, Karim inhaled her. He breathed her in before he went crazy from missing her all day.
“How are you, pretty girl?” he whispered in her ear.
“I’m better now.” Turning around to look up at him, her eyes bounced at her favorite visual. Karim towered over her at six-two. His muscular build intimidated her in the most thrilling way. Amiyah looked up to him in life and love. Coming in as her protector, best-friend, lover and greatest experience to date, Karim was easily deemed her everything.
“What’s all this?” he asked. Karim struggled to maintain a straight face. He loved her too much to pretend or front on her. He adored every inch of her to a capacity that wouldn’t allow him to let her down that easily. “Fix your face, woman. I’m just fucking with you.”
Pulling a long, slender box from his pocket, he lifted the top of the box and exposed a gold necklace. The letters P and G hung at the end of it. They were diamond encrusted pendants that made her giggle at how extra he could be sometimes.
“Karim.” She rolled her eyes and nudged his shoulder. “You do the most. All I wanted was for you to be on time for dinner.”
“This is a surprise, isn’t it?” Gazing into her captivating brown eyes, he looked away to avoid getting lost in them. Karim glanced over at the table. “How was I supposed to be on time for a surprise you told me nothing about?”
Amiyah turned her head to dodge his kiss before he could land a juicy one on her lips. “Nice try, asshole. You knew what today was and you know how much our anniversary means to me.”
Karim smirked and licked his lips. Amiyah was naturally stunning. But when she was mad, he couldn’t help himself. When she was mad, he wanted her more than anything else in that moment. She was the first woman that got a prevailing rise out of him. His dick was never calm around her.
Amiyah’s silky brown skin ordered his touch. She was a small woman that endured a great deal of pain and pleasure from him. Karim’s self-control diminished at the sight of her beauty. His stamina was intact around the woman he desired.
“You’re so fine. So fucking beautiful.” He rubbed his hand over her round cheek. “How did an ugly ass nigga like me bag a woman like you?” he quipped.
“Karim. I mean it!” Amiyah always tried to stand her ground, but he made it impossible. A handsome man like Karim didn’t deserve to be reprimanded. Only loved, pleased and appreciated.
His dark brown skin distracted her. Amiyah traced his biceps with her slanted, almond brown eyes. Her mouth watered as she craved him. His fresh line-up wasn’t making things any easier for her. And God, she really wanted to tug on his thick beard.
Amiyah’s fingertips tingled to rub through his low haircut. Instead, she balled her fists and stepped back to stay strong. Now wasn’t the time to weaken under his spell.
Karim was naturally relentless, especially with the woman he was madly in love with. Stepping forward like they were practicing some sort of dance routine, he towered over her height of five-five and scoffed. “Stop bickering with me and come get your pussy ate," he said.
Unable to control herself any longer, she walked into his arms and giggled. “Let’s eat before the food gets cold.” She looped her arm in his before approaching the table.
Karim was usually out and about from sunrise to sundown, but his warm and spicy scent never wavered. He always smelled so good that it made her fall in love with him a little more each time she rested her head on his broad shoulders.
“Sit across from me. I want to look at you,” he said. It was the little things that swooned her. Karim knew what to say, how to touch her and how to ultimately love her better than she’d ever been loved before.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” Amiyah blushed and reached over the table for his hand.
“I missed you.” There were no doubts that Karim's occupation involved dangerous activities. He was fine with Amiyah having a small idea of what he did. However, actually knowing the details of his employment was a different ball game. It was a line he wouldn’t allow her to cross. In all, he was thankful for the opportunities he made it back to her safe and sound.
“I missed you, too, Karim.” Holding onto each other’s hands, they closed their eyes to pray.
It had become their tradition for Amiyah to begin with a simple prayer over their meal before Karim took it away. He spoke to God like they were homies dapping fists on the street, but Amiyah admired it. She applauded his efforts to work on a stronger connection with the higher power she wholeheartedly believed in.
“Amen,” they whispered in unison after praying together.
“I appreciate you.” He held onto her hand for a little while longer. His grip on her was strong. It signified the strength of their love for one another after six challenging years. Perfection was far-fetched in their relationship. Still, trying times brought them closer with every issue that occurred.
“Karim.” She pulled away from him and shook her head. “I—” Amiyah paused and stood from the table. It was getting harder each day pretending she was OK with the lifestyle he’d subjected them to. She wanted to grow within herself. And with him. Karim had gotten too comfortable in their relationship.
“Talk,” he nearly demanded. Making his way to her, he rounded the table and approached her promptly to sit beside her. With eyes that worshipped her, he stared at her on edge until she spoke again.
“Six years,” she muttered softly. Amiyah was confused. She was also angry and impatient at this point. Karim wasn’t budging on his perspective as to why they were stagnant in their relationship. Somehow, they'd reached a dead end.
“Here we go.” He flailed his arms in the air, then let them fall to his sides. “Every year. Shit, every month on this day, you do this. Why you do this, Amiyah?” The mood always shifted when he called her by her first name.
“I just want to understand.” She huffed.
He’d never strayed from their relationship or disrespected her in any way. Karim had the tendency to sometimes be rude to others, but he treasured her. Amiyah was treated differently and placed on a pedestal in his life. So, why couldn’t he fully commit? She racked her brain on why marriage was a forbidden subject with him.
“If it isn’t broke—” he started. Amiyah practically screamed to cut him off. Karim repeated that quote too much. It was starting to come across as a sick joke.
“Maybe we should take a break,” she aired impulsively. Tears welled in her eyes, threatening to fall with every blink. Swallowing hard, she avoided his glare by looking down at her lap.
Pressuring him into marrying her wasn’t the plan. Karim needed to want to marry her on his own. He should’ve wanted more out of their relationship. Amiyah constantly stressed over reasons he didn’t.
“A break?” He scoffed and brushed his hand down his flushed face. Nothing scared a strong-willed man of his caliber, but losing Amiyah worried him. The mere thought of not having her broke his heart.
“Don’t jump the gun, Amiyah,” he warned her. His vast pride could very well be the death of him one day. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to beg or plead his case. Amiyah wanted to understand his standpoint. Unfortunately, Karim’s stance was unknown. The unknown was pushing her over the edge.
“I already have.” Amiyah stood to walk away from him before her tears fell. Locking herself in their master bathroom, she slid down the door and prayed she wasn’t making the wrong decision. The night had gone from her cooking his favorites and anticipating cuddling the night away, to her calling things off because she felt inadequate and confused in their relationship.
“Amiyah!” he shouted behind her. To no avail, his effort went ignored.
As time pressed on, Karim was failing at making her happy. He didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t ready for more, nor was he ready to explain why he was opposed to marrying her right now. Standing from the table, he peered at the goods around it, then dropped his head.
The front door slammed behind him when he stormed out and left. Amiyah wailed as her heart shattered to pieces. Karim did the bare minimum when it pertained to fighting for her. She wanted more for herself and for her selfless heart. Amiyah vowed to start demanding it from him if he planned on sticking around.
“Six years.” She cried with her face buried in her palms. Six long years and no real progress with the man she unconditionally loved had taken a toll on her heart. Amiyah was officially tired.
Amiyah
Amiyah tossed and turned on her queen-sized, pillow-top mattress until she couldn’t bear to lay there any longer. For the past three weeks, late nights had lost its peaceful tranquility, stripping her of the protection and serenity she acquired when Karim was around. When they were together, he held her throughout the night, guarding her from any trouble that possibly lurked outside of their condo.
Now that they were a part, Amiyah was having the hardest time adjusting to the absence of his warm body next to her. Karim Lawson was always so warm. His strong, muscular arms were inviting. His presence alone made her feel safe. And not only her. Karim’s authoritative aura could make anyone feel protected when he was around.
Dragging herself to the kitchen, she flipped the light switch, then sighed as the bright lights nearly blinded her. Everything agitated her nerves. Every small problem seemed heightened and bigger than it actually was. All because she missed him. Without him, the madness of the world drove her up the wall.
After retrieving a bottle of water from the fridge, she sat at the kitchen’s island exhausted and out of whack. Studies said it took twenty-one days to form a habit. Amiyah’s persistent tactics to move on without him wasn't working out the way she originally planned. In fact, Karim was the captivating habit that needed to be broken.
How could she possibly form a habit that would distract her from craving him? He was too exhilarating to quit.
Sighing amid gradual sips of water, Amiyah peered around the kitchen and sneered at the framed photos of them that decorated the walls. They looked so happy together and she thought they were. Karim’s reluctance to fully commit begged to differ.
As his woman, she’d done everything she could to please him in every way. Amiyah performed her best tricks. She took care of him emotionally and sexually while holding him down altogether. She’d never missed an opportunity to uplift him when he was at his lowest.
When she wasn’t busy pushing paperwork and trying her damnedest to be the best secretary at Cohen’s Law Firm, her life revolved around Karim. He was the rousing man she loved—the uncontrollable bad boy she couldn’t get enough of. Karim did it for her. Amiyah couldn’t help but wonder if she did it for him, too.
Fully aware that she couldn’t force a man to want a serious, beautiful commitment that she’d dreamed of since a little girl, she’d assumed waiting on him to get to that point would suffice. So, she waited and waited until she realized it wouldn’t happen. Sadly, patience wasn’t doing her any justice. Things weren’t working out the way she’d planned.
Like clockwork, her cellphone rang from the nightstand in her master bedroom. Karim respected her request for a break, but he still called her every night. Unable to quit him altogether, she never missed a call from him. They needed to know how each other were doing. When Karim’s deep tone blared through the phone, she felt relieved knowing he was safe and intact, despite the trouble
s he may have been involved in during the day.
Closing her eyes to control her tears from falling, Amiyah exhaled deeply and focused her thoughts on keeping her butt posted on the wooden stool behind the kitchen's center island. Karim kept tabs on her. If he couldn’t physically see her, he wouldn’t stop calling for the clarity he needed. However, answering him broke her down. The phone calls lasted half an hour with fifteen minutes of dead air. They listened to each other breathe and felt at peace while doing so. Each time their phone call ended, her strength and composure came crashing down. Living without the love of her life was hard.
Taking a deep breath after her iPhone stopped ringing from the bedroom, her eyes shot open at the sound of Karim clearing his throat. His self-made occupation caused for him to be light on his feet. He had to be precise with his moves and exceedingly careful throughout his days. She hadn’t heard him come in, but now she could feel his intense orbs dancing over her flushed face.
“Karim,” she whispered. Now that he was in front of her, the night had just begun regardless of the time. Amiyah huffed. Deep down, she was grateful to see him. Avoiding his handsome face for three weeks had weakened her. Seeing him again made the color return to a world that appeared dull without him. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here, pretty girl.” Karim approached her. “And I’m ready to argue.”
“What?” She rolled her eyes and stood from the stool to back away from him. Being too close to Karim would fail her. Thus far, she’d been strong and firm about how she felt. She couldn’t give in now. Then, it would have all been for nothing.
Holding back from blushing at the inside joke he’d mentioned, she looked at her feet and shook her head. Karim struggled to explain himself with words. His love was displayed in the way he kissed and caressed her body. Whenever he issued a joke that he was ready to argue, it meant he was throwing in the towel. He was ready to converse about the elephant in the room.
If This Isn't Love Page 1