My Pear-Shaped Life: The most gripping and heartfelt page-turner of 2020!

by Harrington, Carmel

  She looked at this morning’s post.

  Drgretagale I get so many messages from y’all who have been clearing out your cupboards! Isn’t it wonderful how we outgrow things that we once thought we couldn’t live without. Let life lead you where you need to go. Trust the process. Trust the journey. #selflove #whatsinyourcupboard #fallinloveagain #inspire #strength #drgretagale #faith #canigetahellyeah

  Greta found herself nodding as she read Dr Gale’s words outloud. She had outgrown many things. She no longer had any interest in playing games on her iPad, something that she could lose hours on in the past. She wasn’t reading Dickens, but she was reading. But trust the process? Greta wasn’t sure she could be that brave. She picked up her journal and wrote on the top of a new page, Trust the process? While in therapy she had gotten into the habit of teasing out things in writing. Her confessional.

  ‘Penny for them …’ Ray said.

  ‘Oh hi, Uncle Ray. Didn’t hear you arrive. Don’t think my thoughts are worth even a cent these days.’

  ‘I’d pay more than that for them,’ Ray said.

  ‘Damn it. One sec.’ Greta closed her eyes and tried to think of something positive to say. ‘I have pretty ankles.’

  Ray looked down and nodded, ‘Well, they look like ankles, that’s for sure.’

  ‘I’m not losing it. My therapist at the centre – Noreen – reckoned I say too many negative things about myself. So for every negative thought I have, or that I speak out loud, she challenged me to counteract it with a positive one.’

  ‘I think that’s an excellent idea.’

  ‘You’d think. But I’m running out of nice things to say about myself. Tea?’ She filled the kettle.

  ‘That green stuff you’ve been drinking, or the real deal?’

  ‘I’ll make both! You know, on my first day at the centre when I found out that they didn’t have any coffee, I nearly wept. In fact, I think I did! Funny how you can get used to things. I can’t cope with the Gale brew any more.’

  ‘Blasphemous! Your mam must be horrified. You know, I reckon the longest relationship I have ever had in my life is with my strong tea. We go back decades – don’t think I could say goodbye to her,’ Ray said with a wink. ‘Does the green stuff help, do you think?’

  ‘Well, I’m sleeping better, so I think caffeine and me are better off going our separate ways for good. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a straight-eight-hours kind of gal. But I’m in bed by eleven most nights, and it’s not unusual for me to sleep through till five a.m.’

  ‘I’m proud of you. You’ve worked hard.’

  ‘Thanks, Uncle Ray.’

  ‘So why were you frowning when I walked in? What’s on your mind?’

  ‘I was thinking about the future.’

  ‘Highly overrated.’

  ‘Yep. But I need to get a job.’

  ‘Are you not going back to the Murder Mystery job?’

  ‘Eventually. When someone else leaves, then the job is mine again.’

  They both drank their tea in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

  ‘I think I’ve let life pass me by,’ Ray said.

  Greta put her cup down in surprise. She’d never heard her uncle complain about anything ever before.

  ‘I always thought I’d have a family of my own one day. I look at you all and I think I’m lonely but I’m not really sure what to do about it,’ Ray continued.

  ‘Why didn’t you get married, Uncle Ray?’

  ‘I never found the right woman to ask.’

  ‘I used to wonder if you were gay,’ Greta said.

  He laughed at this and said, ‘Did you? I suppose a few might have thought that over the years. I’m not gay. I’m just not very good at talking to women.’

  ‘You need to go online. Get onto Tinder. There are more single women than single men in Ireland. I read that somewhere.’

  ‘Are you on it?’

  ‘God, no. I don’t believe in all that bolloxology that there’s someone for everyone out there. Some people just aren’t going to find love.’

  ‘Well, with that attitude, how can you fail?’ Ray said, raising his mug in a silent toast. ‘You’re still young, though. Only starting out in your life. You’ve loads of time to meet someone special if that’s what you want.’

  ‘I suppose. Right now, love is the last thing in my mind. And you’re not that ancient, by the way. The best years of your life are not quite over yet.’

  ‘Cheeky.’ He laughed in response. ‘I think I had the best year of my life a long time ago. Something else I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.’

  ‘What year was your best year?’

  ‘Nineteen ninety-five,’ Ray said.

  ‘No way! That was the year I did the Christmas advert. And now that I think about it, my best year too. And it’s all been downhill since then. What happened to you in 1995 that was so good? Apart from seeing me on TV, of course.’

  ‘Well, you were cute in those pigtails. But aside from those, in 1995 I had the best holiday of my life. The jamboree in Holland with the boy scouts.’

  ‘Jeepers, Uncle Ray, that’s a bit sad.’

  ‘Not for me. I was a bit of a loner when I was in school. I didn’t seem to fit into any of the usual cliques. I wasn’t like your dad, playing soccer and hurling, with loads of friends. Then a flyer came into school. The scouts were starting in the village hall every Tuesday evening. I knew from the very first meeting that I’d found my people.’

  ‘Dyb dyb dyb,’ Greta joked, quoting the old scouting campfire chant.

  ‘Do your best,’ Ray said. ‘That’s what that saying means. I don’t think most people know that when they quote it. And then you should reply “Dob dob dob”, which means “We’ll do our best”.’

  ‘You’re right, I didn’t know that. You and your random facts.’ She felt a rush of love and affection for her uncle.

  He raised his mug and said, ‘To both of us doing our best.’

  ‘I’m trying so hard. And while we are at it, I think it’s time that both of us find a new “best year of our lives”.’

  ‘I’m glad you said that. Because I’ve got something that might help us achieve that,’ Ray said. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out an envelope. ‘I’ve been thinking about the world you and I have created for ourselves. And I realized that we’ve both looked back for too long. It’s time to look forward.’ He tapped the brown envelope. ‘Inside this is our flight details and two tickets to see Dr Gale at her seminar in Las Vegas.’

  Had Uncle Ray just said that? The goofy smile on his face as he showed her the details in black and white made her gasp and tremble. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her hands shook as she held the tickets. ‘Why on earth would you do this?’

  ‘I think the question should be: why wouldn’t I? You’re not the only one who wishes they were something else, living a different life. Do you know I never use my holidays up each year? I’ve got sixty days’ leave accumulated right now.’

  ‘Jeepers. I should have joined the civil service, never mind this acting malarkey,’ Greta said.

  ‘You’d make a terrible civil servant.’

  ‘True,’ Greta agreed.

  ‘Once a year, I feel obliged to go on holiday somewhere, because that’s what people do. I like city breaks the best. Lots to see and do. Plenty of ways to get lost in a city, unnoticed as the man on his own.’

  ‘You have friends you could go on holidays with, surely?’ Greta asked.

  ‘All my friends are married with kids now. So no. I don’t. Not any more.’

  ‘So what are you suggesting? That we just take off?’

  ‘That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. You are not needed with the Murder Mystery gang for a while. This is the ideal time for you to take off. Think of the trip as time to work out what happens next for Greta Gale.’

  ‘How come the outbound tickets are Dublin to Kansas City?’ Greta said, taking a closer look.

  ‘W
e’re going to hire a car and see roadside America. A road trip.’

  ‘We are?’ Greta wasn’t sure about the road-trip part. ‘Why can’t we just go straight to Vegas?’

  ‘What is your favourite movie of all time?’ Ray asked.

  ‘The Wizard of Oz.’

  ‘What is our second name?’

  ‘Gale.’

  ‘And what is Dorothy’s second name from the movie?’

  ‘Gale.’

  ‘And where is Dorothy from?’

  Greta grinned as she replied, ‘Kansas.’

  ‘We can’t not start there! So let’s make a wish list of everything we want to see between Kansas and Las Vegas. There’s a whole lot of America out there, just waiting for us to check it out.’

  ‘Like where?’

  ‘I’ve always loved reading about the attractions and oddities that roadside America has. For instance, the biggest bale of twine is in Kansas. In a place called Cawker City.’

  Greta felt laughter bubble up inside of her. They were going to do this. And she dared to believe that her dream to meet her heroine, Dr Gale, could come true. Uncle Ray joked about gambling and winning jackpots on the Las Vegas strip. Greta talked about the movies she’d seen from Ocean’s Eleven to Casino and The Hangover. It was like all her Christmases and birthdays had come at once.

  But then Emily came home from Tesco, and as they helped her unload the groceries and filled her in on the trip, she scoffed at them both for their daydreaming.

  ‘Notions!’ she cried.

  Greta turned to Uncle Ray and said, ‘Notions eleven!’ And they laughed so hard, Greta thought she was going to pee herself. She’d not laughed like that in a long time.

  ‘Enough of these shenanigans. You can’t go,’ Emily said. ‘You’re only home a wet weekend from therapy. It’s out of the question Greta. I won’t allow it. People like us don’t just up and go off to the other side of the world on a whim. Trips like this need planning. And Ray, I’m surprised at you. You should know better than to fill her head with nonsense.’

  Ray stood up and looked at Emily. ‘You’re right. The Gales are not the kind of family who do spontaneous things. I’m certainly not. But it’s time for change, right here and right now. I’m going to Vegas, one way or the other. The only question left to answer is this: Are you coming with me, Greta?’

  Greta looked at her mam and knew that Emily was right. The right thing to do was to stay at home, with her parents and brothers. Safe. The trip was a nice daydream. But that’s all it was.

  ‘Dyb Dyb Dyb,’ Ray said.

  Do your best. Greta stood up and walked over to her Uncle Ray, replying in the only way that made any sense. ‘Dob Dob Dob.’

  Chapter 15

  Stephen was equally gobsmacked when he heard about the planned trip, Aidan and Ciaran more than a little bit jealous. They all looked at Ray like he was having a breakdown.

  Stephen was the most put out about the news. ‘It’s irresponsible. It’s crazy. It’s … stupid, Ray.’

  ‘If I had a euro for every time you’ve called me stupid … I thought it was time I started acting like it. And you know what? It feels good!’ Ray said with a cryptic smile on his face.

  Stephen didn’t like this new side of his brother. He relied on Ray. His right-hand man. Whenever they needed help, whether it was babysitting the kids or pulling a car wreck from next door’s garden, he was there, quietly helping them all. He was steady. And he was most certainly not the kind of guy who decided to go off on a stupid trip at the worst possible time. But no matter how much he protested, Ray just shrugged and continued on his own course.

  ‘I still don’t understand why you are driving from Kansas to Las Vegas. Why not fly directly into Vegas? You have to drive on the other side of the road, you know,’ Stephen said.

  ‘I know that,’ Ray replied.

  ‘But you’ve never driven over there before,’ Stephen continued.

  Ray just shrugged and said, ‘Well, there’s a first time for everything.’

  Greta and Ray poured over maps online, reading travel books that Ray borrowed from the library. Their wish list began to take shape.

  ‘I want to see the Rockies.’

  ‘Monument Valley!’

  ‘Look, there’s an OZ Museum!’

  ‘Pancakes in an American diner!’

  Right up to the goodbyes at the departures gate in the airport, Emily and Stephen were both convinced they would come to their senses and cancel their plans. As Emily hugged Ray and Greta, she handed them a small bottle of holy water each.

  ‘I’ll look after him, Mam,’ Greta told her.

  ‘It’s not Ray I’m worried about,’ Emily replied. ‘Throw some of that holy water on yourselves every day. And the car too.’

  ‘We’ll FaceTime you. Aidan and Ciaran will show you how,’ Greta promised.

  And while Greta was excited, she was also worried about the aeroplane. Not the actual trip itself, because seeing a new country and meeting Dr Gale or at least being in the same room as her – well, that was all brilliant. It was the flight itself. The last time Greta was on board an aeroplane it hadn’t been her finest hour. There would be no pills this time. But the seatbelt issue was still unavoidable. The first stage of their flight was to Toronto with Air Canada, then they flew into Kansas. Greta Googled every airline forum she could find to see how likely it was that she would have to ask for a seatbelt extender. The likelihood was real. Fat forum after fat forum online shared horror stories of people not being able to fit into their seats. A few admitted that they had been asked to buy a second seat because the armrest didn’t go down entirely and their blubber spilt into the seat next to them.

  Every time Greta imagined that scenario happening, she felt a cold sweat flush over her.

  She measured the dining-room chairs at home to check whether they were the same width as the seats on the flight. She’d carefully sat her arse on them, checking to see how much she spilt onto either side. And she figured that, in theory, she should be able to squeeze into them.

  As they sat at the boarding gate, she played a fun game of people watching that she liked to call, ‘Who is fatter, you or me?’ There was a good mix of people, all different sizes. Greta reckoned she was the biggest woman, all the same. There were a couple of big lads too. She wondered if they were freaking out as much as she was and figured feeling shite about yourself wasn’t the preserve of women alone.

  There had to be a better way to live her life than spending it obsessing about whether or not she could fit into an aeroplane seat.

  Her phone beeped.

  Dylan: I feel like you’re avoiding me. You still owe me a coffee! Safe travels, Silver Lady. Send me some pics.

  Greta snapped her phone cover closed. Dylan was right. She had been avoiding him. Because as long as she kept him at arm’s length, she could keep him. When they sat face to face and talked about what happened that night and she confessed about her addiction, it would change them. She knew that. He’d look at her in a different way and she didn’t want that. She liked being his Silver Lady. His friend. Greta knew all she was doing was delaying the inevitable. When she got back from Vegas they would have to talk. But until then, Greta decided to hold on to her friendship with Dylan for a few more weeks.

  When it was time to board, Greta moved slowly through the aisle of the aircraft, careful not to bang into anyone who was already seated. She always felt like a bull in a china shop on an aeroplane. God she envied those people with delicate, petite bodies. While Uncle Ray put their hand luggage in the overhead lockers, she slid across into the window seat.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Ray asked. ‘You seem a bit on edge.’

  ‘Fine,’ Greta snapped, wishing he was anywhere but by her side now, about to witness her shame. She picked up the seatbelt and pulled it across her abdomen, sucking in her stomach as much as she could. And, to her surprise, it clicked shut without any trouble.

  ‘It closed!’ she screamed when she clasped the
buckle.

  ‘I think that’s the whole point,’ Ray said, snapping his own shut. He watched her closely and worried once more if he was doing the right thing bringing her on this trip. Stephen had made no attempt to hide how pissed off he was with his brother before they left. He had laid it out quite plainly. ‘That’s my little girl you are taking to the other side of the world. She’s vulnerable. She’s not out of rehab even a month yet. I’ve never heard anything so stupid in my life as this wild-goose chase. And what if Greta relapses while you are over there? If she does, then it’s all on you. I will hold you personally responsible.’

  Stephen had never treated Ray like an equal. Ray had felt an undercurrent of contempt ripple his way every now and then from his brother over the years. And after that lecture, Ray very nearly cancelled the whole thing. But, while he didn’t have all the answers, somehow, deep inside, he felt like this trip was in the best interests of his niece. She said she wanted to find herself. Live her best life. And maybe the way to do that was to take her out of her comfort zone at home. Give her life a little reboot. He promised Emily and Stephen that he would watch her closely all the time. And he intended to make good on that promise. He knew that Greta wasn’t his daughter, but he couldn’t have loved her more if she was his own. He’d thought about their relationship many times. He loved all his family, but with Greta he felt an immediate kinship, a connection to her that made him feel like he belonged. He always thought he’d have children of his own one day, but that wasn’t on the cards any more. But somehow, Greta fulfilled that paternal pull for him. Like him, she wasn’t perfect. She was temperamental at the best of times, very up and down, one minute smiling, the next looking like it was the end of the world. But perfect was the enemy of good. His plan for this trip was to give Greta reasons to smile a bit more. He had a few surprises up his sleeve to help with that.

  ‘It’s not too late for us to go home, Greta. They haven’t closed the aircraft door yet.’ He gave her one last chance to back out.