My Pear-Shaped Life: The most gripping and heartfelt page-turner of 2020!

by Harrington, Carmel

  A series of groans filled the car. ‘We’re not at a gas station,’ Greta said.

  ‘You can’t say no to me. I’ve just bared my soul to you. You might throw me over the edge if you don’t do what I say.’

  ‘That’s emotional blackmail,’ Greta complained, getting out of the car.

  ‘Sure is, now give me ten jumping jacks.’

  ‘Sadist.’ Greta stuck her tongue out at her.

  ‘Oh great, we’ve not seen a car on the road all morning, but now there’s a fecking convoy to share our shame,’ Greta said.

  The cars beeped their horns as they passed them by and Greta took a bow. Billie was right. Who cared what they thought. She was exercising in Monument Valley, USA. If – a month ago – you’d given her a million things to guess she might be doing today, this would not have been included. By the time they left Monument Valley, the four of them felt ready to take on the world. They moved a couple of hundred miles closer to Vegas, overnighting in Hurricane, a town about two hours east of their final destination.

  They made plans to leave early the next morning so that they could arrive in the Bellagio in time for Doctor Greta Gale’s show at two p.m.

  ‘One more sleep,’ Ray said to his niece, then went to his room with Billie.

  ‘Fancy a cuppa in my room?’ Greta asked Dylan.

  ‘Pppretty intense day,’ he said, flopping onto her bed. ‘I wanted to say more to Billie. Bbbbut the words got stuck.’

  ‘You said enough.’ She put the kettle on. ‘You OK? You got pretty upset earlier.’

  ‘Made me think of my father.’

  ‘He didn’t kill anyone, did he?’ Greta said, handing him his tea.

  He smiled, as she hoped he would. ‘He helped me with my stutter. My dad said that nothing ccccould hold me back from chasing my dreams if I wanted them badly enough.’

  ‘He sounds like a wise man.’

  ‘Yep. Dad loved movies. Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson had a stutter?’ Dylan asked.

  ‘I didn’t!’ Greta said in surprise.

  ‘Dad always said, “If Samuel can ddddeliver that monologue in Pulp Fiction, word perfect, anything is possible for you, son.”’

  ‘I’d love to meet him,’ Greta said, wishing her father would encourage her as much as Dylan’s father did for him.

  Pain flashed across Dylan’s face.

  ‘What?’ Greta asked.

  ‘Nnothing,’ Dylan replied, taking a sip of his tea. He flicked on the TV, looking for something light to watch. He stopped on an episode of Frasier.

  ‘You’ve never mentioned your father before,’ Greta said, trying to get Dylan to open up. She didn’t like being left in the dark. Was this what it was like for Dylan when she kept things to herself? Like the pills she had in her handbag? Why should he tell her everything when she clearly had her own secrets?

  ‘What aren’t you telling me?’ Greta persisted.

  He shrugged.

  ‘You can tell me anything.’ Greta said. ‘Keeper of each other’s secrets. OK?’ She was just about to tell him about the pills when he spoke.

  ‘Bbbrace yourself for another intense moment.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘When I sing, I don’t stutter,’ Dylan said.

  ‘I’ve never knew you could sing!’ Greta said. ‘Are you any good?’

  Dylan shrugged.

  ‘You are! Sing something for me now,’ Greta demanded, then stopped when she saw Dylan’s face. ‘Sorry. Go on.’

  ‘I had to sing “O Holy Night” in our nativity. Dad said that I had to be a righteous man like Samuel L. Jackson when I sang. When I was with Dad, he made me believe in the impossible. Even if I was wearing one of Mam’s brown tunics, with a tea towel on my head, tied with a belt from my dressing gown.’

  Greta smiled, remembering all the nativity plays she’d been in as a child. ‘I was a star in ours. There were several rolls of silver foil used in my costume.’

  ‘I kept my eyes on Dad through every note and www … www … wwwhen I finished, Dad jumped up and screamed, “Yes, yes, yes”, over and over.’

  ‘Oh, Dylan. That’s a great memory to have.’

  ‘It was the most incredible moment of my life.’ For a moment he considered not finishing the story. But he needed Greta to know him. Every part.

  ‘One minute Dad was cheering, the next he ssss … slumped and fell head-first into the lap of my friend Billy Murphy’s mam. Pppeople started to laugh until they heard my mam scream.’

  Greta held her breath in horror. She didn’t want Dylan to finish the story.

  ‘He ddddd … he dddd … Ddddied.’

  ‘So much hidden pain,’ Greta said, reaching over to grab Dylan’s hand. She clasped it tightly in her own, as he explained that – ever since his father’s death – he’d had a chronic fear of singing in public. Illogical and irrational but, despite many counselling sessions, he’d never been able to overcome it. The following year, at the school’s nativity, he became the stagehand, working behind the scenes.

  ‘When they buried your dad, they buried your courage too,’ Greta realized. ‘And now you’ve become a professional stagehand of sorts in the Murder Mystery Crew. You keep yourself out of the spotlight.’

  ‘Yes. But if I hadn’t chosen this path, I would nnnever have met you,’ Dylan said.

  Greta pulled Dylan into her arms and held him, as he cried for his hero, his father. Her plan to talk to Dylan about the pills was forgotten, because he was too upset to deal with her problems right now. So they lay side by side on the double bed and watched the old movie Casablanca. Dylan fell asleep halfway through it. He looked so peaceful she didn’t have the heart to disturb him, so she left him where he was, covering him with the duvet. They’d come a long way since she’d crashed into his room two months earlier.

  ‘You should have woken me,’ he said the next morning, his hair wild around his face.

  ‘I think this makes us even!’ Greta said, winking. ‘By the way, something struck me last night while you snored. Remember I told you about Oz and how I’m Dorothy. Ray is Scarecrow. Billie is the Tin Man. You’re the Cowardly Lion. You’ve got the mane for it, anyhow.’

  ‘Will I find my courage when we get to Oz?’

  ‘Of course you will. We’re almost at the end of our yellow brick road. And when we get to Vegas, which is so the Emerald City, you are going to sing.’

  ‘I ddddon’t think I can.’

  ‘Course you can. You’ve got me. I’ll help you.’

  The four friends were on the road by eight a.m. and grew more excited with every sign that directed them closer to Vegas. When they passed the ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’ sign, they cheered and beeped the horn on the car, making the tourists queuing to get their photo op cheer too.

  ‘Just think, Dr Gale was here only a few days ago. In this exact spot.’ Greta couldn’t quite get her head around the fact that later today she would get to see her heroine in the flesh.

  ‘I know we’ve said it about every place we’ve visited so far on this road trip, but honestly, Vegas really does feel like a movie set,’ Ray said.

  ‘Wait till you see the Bellagio,’ Billie replied. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever got a rush anywhere else more than the one I get when I drive down the Strip and see the beautiful hotels lining each side.’

  They passed the hotels that formed replicas of cities like Monte Carlo, Paris, New York, Venice, the French Riviera.

  ‘Where else can you visit so many famous places in one road?’ Ray said.

  ‘I can’t wait to check out the casinos. Mam wants me to put a bet on blackjack for her.’ Greta felt her body pump with excitement. ‘Oh my god. Look, we’re here. It’s just like it was in Ocean’s Eleven!’

  They used the valet parking at their hotel and then walked into the beautiful lobby, which was heaving with guests and tourists who were just calling in to see the magnificent glass floral displays in reception.

  ‘We made it to Oz, Scarecrow,’ Gr
eta said, giving Ray a huge hug. ‘You made all of this possible.’

  ‘That we did, Dorothy, with not a flying monkey in sight.’ He kissed her head in the way he’d done ever since the day he’d delivered her.

  ‘Do you think we’ll get a chance to speak to Dr Gale?’ Greta asked.

  ‘Not a hope,’ Billie said. ‘I’ve seen this kind of gig lots of times. She’ll be on and off the stage in a flash, surrounded by her people and security. Unless she does a book signing, then maybe you can get a photo or something.’

  They decided to go to their rooms to freshen up before going to the event. Ray grabbed Greta and asked her to hang back with him for a moment, telling Billie he’d follow her up.

  ‘What’s up?’ Greta asked, taking a seat beside him in a small bar, at the entrance to the casino. Her eyes were on stalks, as she took in the hundreds of people on machines, gambling. ‘God, I love it here!’

  ‘How are you doing? Things have been quite intense the past few days. I wanted to check in with you on your own,’ Ray said.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Greta said.

  ‘I don’t quite believe you.’

  ‘I’ve had a few speed wobbles. But hearing Billie and Dylan talk about their fathers has clarified things for me. As Dr Gale often says, we’re all damaged.’

  ‘How are things with Dylan?’

  ‘He’s a good friend,’ Greta said, a little too quickly.

  ‘I think he’s more than that. Billie said something to me earlier. She said that Dylan looks at you the same way that I look at her. If that’s the case, then he’s hook, line and sinker in love with you.’

  ‘I don’t think so. We fell into the friend zone ages ago.’ She thought about how it felt the previous night, to lie beside him in bed, watching him sleep. It felt right.

  ‘Well, I don’t think he knows that. I’ve watched you today. You like him too. I can see it. Don’t let fear hold you back, like I did for decades. If I’d only just jumped on a plane all those years ago, to see for myself why Billie had stopped writing to me. Don’t wake up in twenty years’ time with regrets like I did.’

  ‘I’m trying,’ Greta said. They took the elevator to the twenty-eighth floor, where their rooms were. ‘Thanks, Uncle Ray.’

  ‘Anytime,’ he replied.

  Greta had been given a fountain view room, which not only had a perfect vantage spot from which to watch the show but also had a gorgeous backdrop of the Strip. The room was decorated in vibrant shades of indigo and platinum. The bed was bigger than any she’d ever slept in before. Greta wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to go back to her small bedroom in Lucan. She took a photo and sent it to Dylan.

  Greta: Check this room out. Vegas baby!

  He sent back a picture of his room which was identical.

  Dylan: Everything is better in Vegas!

  Greta: See you in a bit.

  Greta hovered over the phone, wondering whether she should add a kiss before she hit send. She’d never done that before on any of their messages. Before she could change her mind, she typed X, hit send, then threw the phone on the bed, squealing.

  And seconds later she had a response.

  Dylan: XX

  Two x’s. Oh my.

  Chapter 35

  ‘We’ve come a long way to get here,’ Ray said when they walked into the theatre.

  ‘I can’t believe you managed to get tickets for Billie and me too,’ Dylan said.

  Greta couldn’t speak, she was so nervous and excited. On the other side of the curtains, on the stage, was Dr Greta Gale. Her namesake. The person she’d spent years daydreaming about. And any minute …

  ‘Holy shit, Uncle Ray. We’re about to see The Wizard of Oz!’

  The lights went low and music bellowed out from the speakers, bright green lights filling the stage. Then a voice shouted out,

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, for one day only, it’s Doctor Greta Gale!’

  Greta jumped to her feet, clapping and cheering with everyone else as Dr Gale glided onto the stage in a fog of smoke. She was wearing a long cream coat over a black top and skinny black trousers with killer heels. Her long platinum hair fell in soft, glossy waves around her perfectly made-up face.

  ‘She’s beautiful,’ Greta breathed.

  ‘What’s in your cupboard, y’all?’ she shouted out to the audience. And they all went wild.

  ‘We’ve all got something in that big old cupboard, don’t we? Some of us have just the one thing; others have a great big bulging stockpile that’s threatening to spill out into our lives any minute. Am I right?’

  The room erupted once more. She held each and every one of them in the palm of her hand.

  ‘Maybe it’s addiction.

  ‘Maybe it’s heartbreak.

  ‘Maybe it’s fear.

  ‘Maybe it’s loneliness.

  ‘Maybe it’s loss.

  ‘Maybe it’s all of the above.

  ‘But whatever it is today, we’re gonna talk about it, y’all hear? And I’m gonna help you clear those cupboards out!’

  Each of the four friends felt that Dr Gale was talking to them specifically. That was her magic, Greta realized. She had the power to make everyone feel special.

  ‘Have you ever had an epiphany? Or, what I like to call, an “a-ha” moment?’ Dr Gale asked.

  Everyone nodded. Some waved their hands in the air, as she took them to church.

  ‘I bet it made you stop dead in your tracks, it was so profound. Well, here’s what I have learned over my thirty-two years on this beautiful planet. Epiphanies are only life-changing if you apply the lessons that you learned from them. And most of us forget to do that, don’t we?’

  ‘It’s true, I do,’ Ray whispered to Greta. ‘Do you know something, up close like this, I swear she has a look of my mother. I bet we’re related somewhere down the way.’

  Two hours went by in a flash as Doctor Gale shared her wisdom with them all. And then, before she finished, she said, ‘Hands up if any of you had an epiphany today while I spoke?’

  Greta looked around and, by the looks of it, they had come in thick and fast today. Not one person had their hand down.

  ‘Well, here’s where the hard work starts. Because I want you all to make me a promise – hell no, I want you all to make yourselves a promise. You mustn’t forget this “a-ha” moment. Can you give me a hell yeah?’

  ‘Hell yeah!’ thousands cried.

  And then the music came back on and she glided off the stage, to rapturous applause.

  ‘She’ll come back, won’t she?’ Greta asked. But that was it. She was gone and, as they made their way out of the theatre, they were all a little shell-shocked by the event and deflated that it was over.

  ‘Life changing,’ Ray said.

  ‘Hell yeah!’ Dylan said, giving Ray a high-five.

  ‘I never got to speak to her,’ Greta said. The disappointment was crushing. ‘All this way … I just wanted to tell her how much she means to me. How much she’s helped me.’

  ‘I thought that might be the case,’ Billie said. ‘I’m sorry Greta.’ Then she stopped in her tracks. ‘It’s not over yet!’

  Their eyes followed hers to the security guard who was standing by the entrance to backstage.

  ‘Why does he look so familiar?’ Greta asked, looking at the big guy with a headpiece and a badly fitted black suit.

  ‘Isn’t that …?’ Ray looked a little closer.

  ‘Oh god, you’re right … it’s Big Bad Dom!’ Greta squealed. She turned to Dylan and said, ‘He was the MC at Billie’s bodybuilding competition – and he’s shaped like the Domestos bottle,’ she added to explain his nickname.

  ‘He is kinda bbbbroad at the shoulders and slim at the hips,’ Dylan agreed.

  ‘Right, here’s the plan.’ Billie said. ‘I’ll go and distract Brad, then you three sneak backstage and go find that doctor of yours.’

  ‘We can’t do that,’ Ray said.

  ‘Yes you bloody can. You said yourself th
at you’d come a long way to meet her. Well, fortune favours the brave. Can you give me a hell yeah?’

  Before they had a chance to answer, she ran over to Brad and threw herself into his arms, spinning him around so his back was to them and the entrance.

  Greta, Ray and Dylan ran through the double doors into a long corridor.

  ‘Where to next?’ Ray whispered.

  ‘Down there,’ Greta said, pointing to a door that stood at the end of the corridor. ‘It’s the only way.’

  They half ran, half walked, all the while expecting someone to grab them by the scruff of their necks. Taking a deep breath, Ray pushed the door open and they walked in.

  A woman turned towards them and Greta almost didn’t recognize her. Because the woman in front of them had short brown hair, which was matted to her head. In her hand was a blonde wig.

  Before anyone had a chance to speak, the door behind them swung open again.

  ‘I’m sorry Doctor Gale,’ Brad shouted. ‘They snuck by me, while this one distracted me.’

  Billie ran up to Greta, Ray and Dylan, who stood side by side, clinging on to each other. ‘Sorry, couldn’t keep him out any longer. He’s strong.’

  ‘I’ll have you sacked for this!’ Dr Gale shouted at Brad, running behind a curtain. She came back a moment later, with her wig back on, her face still furious.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dr Gale. What do you want me to do? Shall I call the police?’ Brad asked, giving Billie another dirty look.

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ Dr Gale replied. ‘Who do we have here?’

  Ray pushed Greta forward. ‘Say something.’

  Greta walked forward and curtsied. ‘Hello. Please don’t be cross with Big Bad Dom. It’s just we’ve come such a long way to meet you. We had to find a way to meet you in person.’

  ‘Aren’t you just darlin! And such a pretty little thing too. So did you enjoy the show?’

  They all started to speak at once, enthusiastically telling her how amazing it was.

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘A-ha moments everywhere.’

  ‘My cupboard is so full.’

  ‘We’re big fans.’

  ‘Where’s that accent from?’ Dr Gale asked, clearly charmed by the praise they were laying on her.