by Sarah Delany
Don’t Fade.
Breathe Easy.
By Sarah Delany
Copyright © 2020 Sarah Delany
If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, this book has been pirated and you are stealing. Please delete it from your device and support the author by purchasing a legal copy. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used, reproduced or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, businesses, or locales is coincidental and is not intended by the author.
Graphic Design (Cover) - Michael Pati Fuiava
Editing and Proofreading - Rebecca Andrews
Dedication
To Jonathon McGrath, my big bubba,
I wish you would have stayed.
My soul will be forever missing a piece because you are gone.
Keep that piece safe and treasure it. It helps me to know wherever you are that a part of me is with you always, until we meet again.
Not a day goes by without you crossing my mind.
Loving you from afar,
Your lil bubba
xxx
Contents
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 37
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Epilogue
Notes from the Author
Acknowledgements
Feedback
About the Author
Chapter 1
-- Tamsyn --
Stinging, cold rain pelts down on me while I’m stuck in the same spot, frozen and unable to move. Am I dreaming? This can’t be real, can it?
The male police officer throws a worn, grey blanket over my shoulders but the chill runs too deep. I can’t get warm. Shivers take over my body and I can’t get them to stop. I stare off into the distance long after the ambulance lights disappear from view. He asks for my address and I prattle it off, my mind elsewhere. The female police officer comes and puts an arm around me. My feet thaw, allowing me to be directed to their car with her guiding hand. She buckles me in, my mind too occupied to deal with menial tasks. My sole focus is on the broken boy they took away.
The rain still pours down as she helps me out of the car, leading me to my front door. I open it and go inside and my mum is there, looking like she just arrived home. Her concern leaks out of her as she rushes to me, cupping my face in her hands. Lifting my gaze to hers, I’m unsure what she sees in my eyes. I try to communicate with my eyes, words won’t come. How do I voice what happened? She’s talking to the officers but I can’t hear anything they say. They hand her a card before they leave and then it’s just me and Mum.
“Bub, talk to me please. What happened? Who was with you?” her worried voice pierces through the fog. I can feel the burning tears leaking down my blank face. I can’t tell her though. If I voice the words then it makes it true. My body is still racked with shivers. Why won’t it stop? My heart speaks and puts into words what I need right now.
“Tate please, Mum,” I mumble out, and my mum understands.
“How about we get you changed first bub? You’re shivering,” she tries to tug the grey blanket from around me.
“No,” I yell. “Tate please?” I beg, needing him to help hold me together. She lets out a sigh as she shuffles me out the door, helping me into the car. She knows where JP lives so she drives there without me having to give directions. With her arm firmly wrapped around me, she leads me up to the door and knocks. Shivers continue. JP’s dad answers the door with a smile but his face drops as he takes in my dishevelled appearance and my soaked through clothing. Cotton wool blocks all sound again and I see his lips move but can’t hear what he’s saying. A second later, JP and Tate are pushing around him to get to me.
Their wide eyed stares take me in and Tate instinctively lifts me in his arms, bundling me in his embrace as he moves to sit on the couch.
“What happened?” I hear the panic in his voice, but I can’t tell if his question is directed at me or not. I stare at the wall. My blanket gets removed and is replaced with a towel. I can feel them all lingering around me. Tate presses my head against his chest and I listen to his heart hammering away under his skin. Thump, thump, thump. I’m ready to wake up from this nightmare now, I can’t stay here any longer.
JP’s face comes around the back of the couch and he reaches over and takes my hand in his, squeezing it tight. JP and Rafe. They’re a pair. I squeeze my eyes shut knowing what I need to do. JP is Rafe’s best friend. He will need him now. I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to break his heart.
“Rafe,” is all I manage to croak, my throat raw. JP’s brows knit confused.
“You want Rafe?” JP asks, and I feel Tate’s arms loosen around me. I shake my head but I can’t find my voice.
I hear my mum’s voice catch as she says, “Oh my God.” I close my eyes, wet warmth floods down my face as my mum tells them what she knows. “The police said a boy was taken away in an ambulance. Tamsyn gave him CPR, saving his life. Was it Rafe, bub?” I can only nod as the tears stream down faster.
“Why were you out there again? Is he okay?” JP yells at me.
“JP shut it, man. Leave her alone,” Tate sternly says to JP. JP runs a hand through his hair. I can feel the anger pulsing through him, directed at me. I don’t blame him. He assumes it was me out there on the dock and Rafe came to my rescue. I don’t know if I have it in me to tell him the truth. To share Rafe’s secret.
“Rafe,” I cry into Tate’s chest as he wraps me tighter in his arms. Tate. Oh no. How will this affect him? Will it send him into a panic attack because of Quinn?
“It’s okay Sweetness, I got you,” Tate whispers to me. I breathe in his earthy scent, letting his strength seep into me while my mum talks with JP’s parents. I watch JP stride back and forth with worry for his best friend but he doesn’t know the whole truth. Why did Rafe call me? I don’t know what the right decision to do is but if I keep this inside, I fear it’ll break me. Rafe needs help. I stop second guessing myself and shrug out of Tate’s hold. JP needs me now.
He stops in his tracks, facing me with worry. I leap into his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck and he hugs me close, unsure.
“I’m sorry JP,” I cry.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I got angry,” he says, but he doesn’t understand. The room is quiet now, our parents watching our embrace. I can feel Tate behind me. I can’t look at his face, knowing I will see uncertainty there. I close my eyes, gather my courage and breathe out.
“It wasn’t an accident,” I whisper so JP can hear, his body stilling against me.
“What do you mean?” he says, as he leans back to
look at my face. I release his neck and step back from him and into Tate’s strong embrace. With his arms around, he provides me safety and strength without realising it. I wring my hands, looking at the floor. “What do you mean?” he asks again. With tears in my eyes I gaze up at him and break his heart.
“I think he did it on purpose JP.” He stares at me with furrowed brows still not understanding. Tate wraps his arms around my waist. His presence is all I need to continue so I rush the words before I can stop myself. “He rang me and said he was sick of being strong and wanted some peace. He said he figured out how to find it then he said goodbye. I ran all the way to the dock and found him in the water,” I say as the haunting images surface in my head so I burrow into Tate’s chest.
“John,” I hear his dad yell as he rushes to catch JP before he hits the floor.
“He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that,” JP mumbles as we stare at him with his knees bent and his body folded over them. “Rafe’s the happiest person I know, he just wouldn’t,” he continues, but I have no words to comfort him. I feel Tate stiffen behind me, his breaths becoming shallow. He lifts me up in his arms, my legs automatically wrap around his waist and he carries me back to the couch. He nuzzles his face into my neck, breathing deeply. His tremors intensify so I squeeze him harder, hoping he can calm himself.
“I’m here Tate, I’ve got you,” I whisper to him so only he can hear. He’s trying to keep himself together when his mind is probably riddled with horrible thoughts. All I can do is hold him, hoping he can hold himself together. I hear my mum talking with JP’s mum.
“I better ring Rafe’s mum. By the sounds of it, they won’t know what’s happened,” JP’s mum says. She leaves for a minute then returns with unshed tears in her eyes. “I couldn’t do it over the phone, but they’re home so I’m going to go over there,” she says to JP’s dad.
“I want to go to Rafe,” JP says from the floor where he hasn’t moved from.
“Come on son, get up and I’ll take you to the hospital while your mum goes to see Rafe’s parents. You want to meet us there, dear?” he says to his wife, which she nods to.
“Tamsyn, honey how about you come home?” my mum asks, bending down to get a glimpse of my face fiercely nuzzled into Tate’s neck. I shake my head.
“I’ll look after her Tanya, if you don’t mind her staying here?” Tate’s shaky voice asks, as he looks up at her.
Mum rubs my back before asking, “Why don’t you both come home with me then?” but I shake my head. Memories of sleepovers and Rafe smiling at me in my room surface and I squeeze Tate tighter, shivers taking over my whole body. My mum must notice as she says, “Okay love, stay here but Tate please ring me if you need anything. Do you want me to drop some clothes back for you, bub?”
“That’s ok, I can give her some Tanya,” Tate says. My face stays firmly in the crook of Tate’s neck, breathing in his scent. I hear them moving around me but I can’t look at any of them. I’m drained and my body won’t stop shaking. My mum plants a kiss to the side of my temple as she squeezes my arm before she leaves. I block out what JP’s parents say to Tate, I can’t focus on that. It’s as if my mind is conserving energy only focusing on one thing at a time. I’m unaware of where JP is either. The thought of his face has me whimpering which I try my best to contain.
I hear the door click as Tate and I sit still on the couch, breathing each other in. Both shaking but unable to do anything else to comfort the other. Time escapes me, I’m not sure how long we stay there, silent and unmoving. Tate’s breaths steady as he gains control of himself. He’s stronger than I realised, holding himself together and not falling apart in front of JP and his family. He’s come a long way.
“Sweetness?” he softly says, as his head moves. His gentle hands lift my gaze to his. My blurry vision tries to focus on him. I see my own pain reflected in his eyes. He wipes his thumb softly against my cheek, clearing the lone tear that escapes. “Sweetness, you keep shivering. Do you want to take a shower?” I shake my head, I don’t want to leave the safety and warmth of his arms.
“I’ll come with you,” he says, reading my mind as always. He knows I don’t want to let go of him yet. With me clinging to him like a spider monkey he stands up, carrying me to the bathroom. My face is firmly planted back into the crook of his neck as he opens the glass door, turning the shower on. I don’t think I can let go of Tate so he doesn’t give me the choice. He waits for the water to warm, then he steps into the shower with me clinging to him. The warm spray rains down on both of us, our clothes plastering to our skin.
Letting the warmth seep into me, my shivers finally subside. I release my head from Tate’s neck and lift my eyes to his. All I see in his gaze is his worry for me. Always me. He always puts me before himself. My heart makes my body react and I press my lips to Tate’s. I need to feel something other than the despair and hopelessness I’m feeling right now. It takes a hesitant second but then he’s kissing me back. His hand slides down the side of my face, wiping my soaked hair away from my cheek where it clings.
Our lips move in a frenzy, hungry for each other. Hoping his kisses can heal the pain, I beg for more and he returns it just as hungry for me. He turns and presses me into the shower wall. The cold tiles shock me as he pushes his body into me, holding me up. My legs clench around him, holding him to me as he lets go, one hand sliding into my hair as his kisses move down to my neck. I arch my face upwards, giving him more access.
His other hand moves, gripping my butt tenderly. Pressing himself into me I feel his hard length rubbing against my core. I gasp at the sensation, locking my eyes on his. We’ve never been this frenzied for each other but when I search his eyes I see pain. If this is what we need to drown out the pain we are both feeling, I’ll take it. I give a slight nod to let him know it’s okay. He captures my lips again as he grinds himself into me.
We both get lost in each other. As he has me pressed to the wall, I struggle to pull my drenched shirt over my head. Holding my gaze, he presses his body harder into mine, holding me against the tiles while he pulls his own shirt off. I run my hand down his chest feeling his firm muscles. His hand trails a path down my neck, leaving a burn where he touches. He palms my breast gently, swiping his thumb over my hard nipple protruding through my bra. He swallows my gasp, his tongue finding mine. I bring my hands back around his neck drawing him closer to me, trying to meld our bodies together.
A few minutes pass until we pry ourselves apart. Heavy breaths fill the space between us, as he lowers his forehead to press against mine. Eyes closed and hearts galloping, we catch our breaths. He grips under my butt and twists so I’m under the stream, warming me again from the cold slowly seeping in from the tiles. He delivers a chaste kiss to my lips as he lowers me to my feet. I don’t want the pain to creep in though, just wanting to forget for a minute. I unclasp my bra, but Tate stops my hands and holds my gaze.
“Not like this baby,” he softly says, causing my eyes to burn as the tears start falling. The unwelcome sobs start as he draws my head to his chest, holding me tight. He reaches behind me and turns the water off. Picking me up again as my cries wrack my body, he steps out of the shower and grabs a towel, wrapping it around me. He carries me back to his room and plants me on my feet, rubbing the towel over me, drying me. “I need to get you some warm clothes. Can you stand?” he asks, as he lifts my chin up. I nod as I hold the towel to my chest.
He steps over to his drawers, pulling clothes out and placing some on the bed for me. “I’ll let you get changed. I’ll change in the bathroom,” he says, as he quickly leaves. My trembling fingers remove my bra and drag my soaked underwear off. I pluck Tate’s t-shirt off the bed, shrugging it quickly over my head. I pick up the sweatpants he’s left too and pull them on, tying them as tight as I can. They’re still loose so I roll the top of them over a few times, hoping it’ll hold them in place. I sit on the edge of the bed waiting for him.
&n
bsp; It isn’t long before he returns, probably not wanting me to be left alone for long. He’s got our wet clothes from the shower with him so he picks up my underwear and disappears again for a minute before returning, empty handed. He sees me sitting there, grabs the towel from the floor and dries my hair. The sobs return. It reminds me of when Rafe dried my hair after my breakdown in the shower. Rafe. For a second I had forgotten, had pushed thoughts of him aside but now they flood back in. Tate gathers my shaking body in his arms and pulls the covers back so we can get in, covering us with them. His bedside lamp illuminates the room as I cuddle in as close to him as I can while he holds me together, letting me fall apart.
“Let it out baby,” he says, as the tears stream down my face, soaking his shirt. He holds me until my sobs quieten, my body drained. Behind closed eyes, I bring his green eyes to mind and hold them there but the honey brown eyes of the smiling boy try to penetrate through. Tate holds me tighter as if he can tell my mind is forcing me to see things I don’t want to. My ear to his chest, listening to the thumping of his heart is how I manage to drift off and forget for a minute how devastating and bleak my world is at the moment.
Chapter 2
-- Tate --
I hold my broken girl so tightly in my arms until her breaths even out and I’m sure she’s asleep then I release my grip slightly. The storm still rages outside, raindrops tinkering against my window. I reach out flicking the lamp off, encasing us in darkness. I scrunch my eyes shut, keeping my breaths under control. Rafe. I can’t believe it. I should have seen it coming. I should know the signs. Me more than anyone should have known.
Thinking of Rafe brings thoughts of Quinn into the mix. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I thought I might be finished with my mantra but it seems I’m going to need it a bit longer. Images of Tamsyn when she arrived at my house flood me. It was like going back in time to when she had her breakdown in the shower. She looked so broken and defeated. For a second when she said Rafe’s name, I thought she was crying out for him instead of me. Seeing her jump into JP’s arms, my heart splintered. Jealousy spiked in me realising she needs the guys as much as they need her now. What did I expect to happen when I left her and wouldn’t return. I pushed her away and I should be thankful the guys were here for her. It still hurts though.