by Sarah Delany
As soon as my mind caught up to what she told JP about Rafe, my breath caught. Not again I thought, not again. I don’t think I will survive losing someone else to suicide. With her in my arms, I managed to dig deep and keep myself from having a panic attack. I let us get out of control in the shower though, needing her to strip away the pain. As soon as she went to take off her bra I knew I needed to stop this. I didn’t want our first time to be shrouded in pain and hurt. I hope she realises that’s the only reason I stopped it.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight, not with all these thoughts swirling through my mind. Exhaustion managed to pull Tamsyn under but how long that will last I don’t know. Lying in the dark I get lost in my thoughts and it isn’t until I hear the front door slam shut that I’m pulled from them. I loosen my arms from around Tamsyn and quietly step out into the hall, careful not to wake her.
“John, calm down son,” my uncle says to JP. I walk into the lounge and find JP with his fists clenched, staring at his mum and dad. His parents look wrecked. My aunty’s eyes are bloodshot from tears. I step quietly to the side of JP, his head whips up to meet my stare and I see the anger and hurt lacing his eyes.
“What happened?” I ask quietly. “Is he okay?”
JP huffs angrily, “I wouldn’t know, he didn’t want to see me.” He runs a hand through his dishevelled hair like he’s been doing it all night long. “I’m his best friend and he wouldn’t even see me,” he says, his voice cracking at the end. That’s why he’s angry. He wanted to be there for Rafe and Rafe wouldn’t let him.
“Tate, is Tamsyn still here?” my aunty asks me, leading my eyes to her voice. I nod.
“Yeah, she fell asleep a little while ago,” I tell her.
“Did she say anything?” JP asks, his anger fading.
“No, she didn’t say anything else after you guys left. She’s been crying the whole time,” I tell them.
“Shit,” JP curses. “Shit, shit, shit,” he continues, his anger returning.
“Keep it down man, she’s exhausted. I don’t wanna wake her,” I tell him, trying to keep my own emotions in check.
“Sorry bro,” he says, raking his hand through his hair once more.
“Do you wanna talk, son?” my uncle asks JP. JP shakes his head and closes his eyes.
“I’m gonna try to get some sleep,” he says, turning his back to us and dragging his feet to his room. Once he shuts his door, my uncle turns to me.
“Tate are you okay? I know this situation must be hard for you,” he says, and I shrug my shoulders, not knowing how to answer. My aunty steps to me, wrapping her small arms around me. Making me think of my mum, I squeeze her to me for a minute before I let go.
“I might try to get some sleep too. It’s been a long night,” I tell them, and they nod in unison, probably feeling the same way. “Night,” I call out, as I turn my back to them. My feet lead me back to where my heart lies, next to my broken girl.
“Night,” I hear them both say behind me, as I close the door. I step carefully towards the bed in the dark, pull the covers back and hop in. I reach out for Tamsyn and in her sleep she moves back into my chest, clinging to me. I hold her close, slipping my hand under my t-shirt she’s wearing, needing her warm skin to soothe me. Resting my hand against her lower back, I wait for sleep to take me as well.
Movement from my side pulls me from my sleep. My mind catches up and I realise it’s Tamsyn. She’s sitting up, drawing in deep breaths. I sit up and put my arm around her shoulder.
“Hey,” is all I say, trying not to scare her. I’m all too familiar with her reaction. She’s had a nightmare. Her wide eyes find mine in the dark. A small amount of light peeks in through the window to show our faces to each other. I cup her face and she breaks down, tears streaming down again. I move my back against the wall and pull her onto my lap. Holding her to me, I let her cry all the pain out until they soften.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I quietly ask. She doesn’t respond for a few minutes and I take that as a no but then she starts talking.
“He rang me and started talking about the dock and I was so confused. It wasn’t until he started talking about being free that I clicked. I was so scared. I ran all the way to the dock.” She’s quiet, collecting her thoughts before she continues. I rub my hand up and down her back, letting her know I’m here for her. With a shaky voice she says, “He was face down in the water when I got there. I didn’t think, I just jumped in. I struggled to drag him to shore but he wasn’t breathing,” her voice cracks, so I squeeze her to me. I can’t imagine what she went through. Rafe is bigger than me and Tamsyn is tiny compared to me. I hate to think of what she went through to save him. The amount of strength she would have needed to get him out of the water alone would have been huge. My broken girl has come so far, she’s so strong.
I don’t speak, not knowing what to say and wanting her to continue on her own. We sit in silence for a while before she says, “His eyes were blank Tate. It’s as if everything that makes him Rafe was gone.” The sobs unleash as I press her into me, trying to comfort her but not knowing if I’m making a difference. We stay in this position until the first rays of the morning sun hit my window. Her breaths evened out a while ago but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep, in case she needed me.
She rouses a while later, snuggling her face against my chest before she fully wakes. Blue, puffy eyes peer up at me. I lean forward to rest my lips on her forehead, closing my eyes. Squeezing her tightly, I hold her for a minute before we need to face the day. Listening to her forced inhale and exhale, I know she’s trying to keep herself from crying.
“If you need to cry Sweetness, it’s okay. You don’t need to be strong in front of me,” I tell her. I want her to be real with me, no matter whether that’s with tears or smiles. She sniffles but no tears.
“Did JP and his parents come home?” she quietly asks, her voice sounding hoarse from the night of crying.
“Yeah, but Rafe wouldn’t see them, so they didn’t speak to him,” I tell her. She glances back up to me with unshed tears shimmering on her lower lash line. I deliver another chaste kiss to her forehead not knowing what else to say. “You hungry?” I try directing ourselves in a different direction.
“No, not really,” she says, resting her head against my chest.
“What about coffee? I could use one,” I say. I’m probably going to need more than one to have enough energy to get through today. She nods against my chest so I lift her off me and shuffle out of bed. Holding my hand out to her, she clasps it and I pull her to stand. We walk hand in hand down the hallway. We are about to pass the bathroom but she squeezes my hand.
“I’m gonna use the bathroom,” she says.
“Okay, I’ll meet you in the kitchen. It’s just down the hall,” I tell her. She looks at the floor before her eyes raise to mine.
“Umm, can I use your toothbrush?” she whispers, and I can’t help but beam at her because even in this broken moment, she looks adorable.
“Sure,” I say, pulling her into the bathroom and pulling my blue toothbrush from the holder on the sink, laying it down for her. I kiss her temple, leave her and walk into the kitchen where I’m greeted by JP and his parents. JP doesn’t look my way, his eyes focused on the kitchen table where he sits.
“Morning Tate,” my aunty says, and I offer her a small smile. “Is Tamsyn still sleeping?” she asks.
“No, she’s using the bathroom. She’s not very hungry so I’m just gonna make some coffee,” I inform her, moving over to the kettle and filling it with water. Placing it back on it’s holder, I press the button down to boil the water. Grabbing the milk from the fridge along with two mugs, I place them on the bench waiting for Tamsyn to join us as I don’t know how she likes hers. As she steps into the kitchen all eyes fling to her, even JP. “How do you like your coffee?” I ask her quietly, as she steps into my si
de. She takes the teaspoon I offer her. She scoops two spoonfuls of coffee and then another two of sugar, plus milk. I commit it to memory so I’ll know for future use. The landline phone rings, everyone’s eyes directed to it. My aunt gets up to answer it.
“Hello?” she says into the receiver, then her eyes glance up to Tamsyn. “Sure, Tanya, she’s right here,” she says, before holding the phone out to Tamsyn. “It’s your mum, honey,” she softly says, smiling at Tamsyn. Tamsyn steps quickly to the phone, grasping it in two hands to her ear.
“Hi Mum,” she says. She’s quiet for a beat while her mum must be talking. Her brows furrow in confusion, then I see the tears start to form so I move towards her.
“What is it?” I ask, and she shakes her head.
“Mum tried ringing my phone and was worried. I forgot I dropped it on the dock,” she whispers, as I wipe a tear off her cheek. She listens to her mum talk some more before she says ,“Okay, I’ll see you later then Mum,” before she hangs up and looks up at me. “I can stay with you today, can’t I?” she hesitantly asks.
“Of course” I tell her, a small smile ghosting my lips. We grab the coffees I finished making and take seats at the table with the others. JP pushes his chair back roughly.
“I’m gonna go for a walk. I’ll be back soon,” he says, before he leaves quickly. My aunt and uncle exchange a look between them while they sip their own coffees. Silence fills the air, everyone simmering with their own thoughts.
“Do you think Rafe would be up to having visitors today?” I ask my aunt.
“I’m not sure. I can give his mum a ring today if you like and see how he’s doing,” she says. I nod in reply. “Why don’t you two try to catch up on some sleep this morning. I’ll let you know if I hear anything,” my aunty suggests. I look to Tamsyn and she gives a slight nod which my aunty catches. They finish off their drinks and place them in the sink, leaving without saying much else. Tamsyn and I sit there sipping our drinks until we finish ourselves.
“I’ll meet you in the room Sweetness? I’m gonna use the bathroom,” I tell her, and she nods as I take her cup for her. I watch her from the sink as she shuffles her feet towards my room. I wash the cups, placing them on the tray to drain then enter the bathroom. After relieving myself I brush my teeth, highly aware of the fact Tamsyn used it before me. Weirdly it has me smiling to myself. Using the same toothbrush is quite intimate.
I finish up and walk to my room. Entering, my breath catches at the sight of Tamsyn curled up under the blankets in a ball. She looks so tiny. I close the door and climb in beside her, drawing her to my chest. She wiggles her delicate hand up and under my shirt, resting it on my chest where my heartbeat would be felt. I don’t question her, giving her whatever she needs at this time to keep her held together. Her warmth seeps into me and lack of sleep from last night has my eyes drooping. No counting sheep needed, sleep comes swiftly.
Chapter 3
-- Tamsyn --
The squeak of the door opening, has my eyes opening from the light sleep I managed to fall into. I quickly slip my hand out from under Tate’s shirt, trying not to wake him but failing. He stirs, rubbing his eyes, directing his focus my way. JP creeps in past the door and holds out his hand. I reach out my own shaking hand, taking my phone from his grip.
“How?” I ask, in shock.
“I went down to the dock and it was sitting on the edge in the corner. It’s probably ruined because of the rain last night, but thought you might like it back anyway,” he sadly says.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Yeah, thanks man,” Tate adds. “You okay?” he asks him.
“Not sure. I just wanna see him, you know,” JP says, his gaze directed at the floor.
“Shit! JP, can you contact Penny and Scott to let them know,” I say. They’d completely slipped my mind.
“Already done. I rang them both and filled them in. Think they might pop around later,” he states. I follow his sad voice and gaze at him. Pain clearly etched in his features. He lingers by the door and I wish I could ease his hurt.
“JP, why don’t you come sit down with us for a bit?” I suggest, trying to offer him some comfort. He stares at me before glancing at Tate who nods at him, encouraging him. He slowly drags his feet forward so I pat the other side of the bed by me. He comes over and leans his back on the wall, sitting on top of the covers. I’m squished between both of them now so I take one of each of their hands in mine, hoping we can keep each other strong.
Time passes with us clutching each other’s hands and it isn’t until JP’s dad pops his head in the door that we release.
“You guys have a couple of visitors,” he tells us, looking at JP.
“Send them in,” Tate says, beside me. Not a minute later, Scott and Penny traipse through Tate’s door. Both of their eyes are red, Penny’s from crying and Scott’s from holding tears back but not very successfully. As soon as Penny catches sight of us, the tears fall freely from both our eyes. I shuffle over the duvet and into her embrace.
“Aww Tam,” she whispers between her sniffles, squeezing me harder. I release her and swipe roughly against the devastation on my cheeks. I give Penny a little side nod to indicate she should go to JP. He needs her more at the moment. She catches on and crawls before him, his eyes stay firmly on the blanket. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she slides a finger under his chin, raising his eyes to hers. It’s like her gaze makes JP crack and his heartbreak gets released. Tears flood down his face as he pulls Penny into his chest, holding her tight. If it wasn’t for such a heartbreaking occasion, I would be swooning over how cute they are. Tate, Scott and I try to be discreet and leave them but JP catches our exit.
“No, stay guys. It’s fine,” he says, still clinging to Penny. We all move back to our places. Scott takes a spot at the foot of the bed.
We’re all silent for a while until Scott asks, “Does anyone know if he’s up for visitors?”
The three of us shake our heads and then JP says, “He refused to see me last night so I’m not sure if it’ll be the same story today or not.” A jolt shoots through me as I realise I’m still in Tate’s baggy clothes without any underwear, surrounded by my friends.
It makes me self conscious so I lean up to whisper in Tate’s ear, “Hey, could you take me home to change my clothes please?” His eyes scan my body and I see a flicker of heat behind his eyes before a small smile graces his lips and he kisses my forehead.
“Sure,” he whispers to me, then he says to JP, “Bro, can I borrow your car please? Just gonna take Tamsyn to get some clothes.” JP looks over to me. No one realised I was in Tate’s clothes and it was just my stupid head.
He digs in his pockets, pulling the keys out and handing them over to Tate before asking, “You cool if we just hang in here?”
“Yeah man, no problem. We won’t be long,” Tate says, before turning to me. “Come on, let’s go.” I shuffle off the bed, taking my damaged phone with me. I don’t even have shoes. Tate leaves me in the hall for a minute while he disappears into the bathroom and then emerges with a plastic bag, handing it to me. “Your clothes. I didn’t have time to wash them,” he says, and I lean my head back, giving him a small smile.
“That’s okay. I’ll chuck them in the machine when I get home,” I tell him, then we head out to JP’s car. “What’s the time?” I ask, having no idea how much of the day has passed.
Tate turns the car on and the clock appears on the dashboard as he says, “Looks like it’s one o’clock. Half the day has disappeared.”
We pull up outside my house and get out of the car. Tate comes around and grasps my hand in his. He does his signature move, running his thumb back and forth across my hand, comforting me. As we step through the front door, my mum must hear us as she comes from the kitchen to greet us.
She wraps me in a hug and then surprisingly does the same with Tate.
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��How are you two holding up?” she asks, peering into both our eyes, looking for the answer there.
“We’re okay Mum,” I tell her. “We came home so I could change my clothes.” She looks at me, nodding. “I’m gonna put these in the machine. I’ll meet you in my room, Tate,” I tell him over my shoulder, as I move to the laundry. I flip open the washing machine lid and shake the contents of my bag out into it. Mum comes in behind me and takes the washing powder from my hands.
“I’ll take care of this bub.” She places the powder down on the bench, grasping both my hands and turning me her way. “Now, how are you really feeling?” she queries, and the unwanted tears fall as she pulls me into a hug.
“I need to see him for myself. I need to see he’s okay with my own eyes. It’s like I can’t fully catch my breath until I see he’s alright. My mind still thinks he’s in the same condition he was when the ambulance took him away and it’s going into overdrive with worry,” I admit into her shoulder.
“I’m sure you’ll get to see him soon enough honey,” she says, rubbing my back. After a minute I step out of her embrace but she clings to my hands again. “Now I know you lost your phone last night so I went out this morning and grabbed you a new one. It’s in your room charging. It’s probably ready now,” she tells me, as she smiles and I offer a small one in return.
“Thanks Mum,” I tell her, giving her another small hug before I make my way upstairs to my room. As I enter, I take in the view for a second, Tate lying down on my bed flicking through the channels on the T.V mindlessly. My movement catches his eye and his perfect smile shines my way as he pats the bed. I climb on the bed and cuddle on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I do it subconsciously as if my own heart needs to hear his beating away in his chest to know he’s okay. He runs his strong fingers through my hair and I take a minute to breathe and pull myself together. I glance up at his face as he looks at me and cups my face. My body ignites on fire from his gaze, the magnet that has always pulled us together, draws my lips to his. His hand moves, caressing my face gently but I’m desperate for him, for the feeling he fills me with so I tug his head closer to me. He senses the shift in me and opens his mouth, gaining access to mine. He rolls me over onto my back as we get lost in each other, kissing like we can’t breathe without the other. He holds his weight off me with his forearm by my head. A few minutes later, he pulls away looking down at me, gazing into my eyes, both of us catching our breaths. He slowly leans forward, pressing a lingering kiss first to my swollen lips and then another to my forehead before he hastily rolls off, pulling me back to rest my head on his chest. Only a few seconds later and my mum is knocking on my open door. Did he hear her and know she was coming? My mum had completely slipped my mind. I was so lost in Tate, I couldn’t think.