by Sarah Delany
I peel my arm away from Tamsyn, moving her head to lay on the pillow. She stirs, her eyes peeking open at me. “Hey, go back to sleep. I’m gonna take JP’s car back home and then I’ll come back later,” I say, and she sleepily nods, closing her eyes and drifting back to sleep. I hurry down the stairs and don’t see Tanya anywhere so leave without saying goodbye. When I’m in JP’s car I send him a text.
Tate: Hey man, you home yet?
I drum my fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for his reply.
JP: Yeah bro. Penny and Scott just left. Where are you?
Tate: With Tamsyn. I’ll be home soon.
I throw my phone into the passenger seat as I drive in the direction of where I need to go.
Walking through the hospital corridors again, the smell fills my nose. I dread hospitals. It wasn’t this bad when I had Tamsyn beside me keeping it at a distance but now walking the halls alone, it overwhelms me and reminds me of Quinn. I speed my steps up wanting to get away from the sanitary smell but not sure it’s possible in this place. As I arrive at the corridor leading to Rafe’s room I slow down, unsure if his parents are still here. For what I have to say, I want to be alone with Rafe. I inch towards the door and peer through the window but the curtain shields Rafe from view. I can’t see his parents anywhere so I bite the bullet and push the door open and step inside.
Rafe’s still in the same position lying down on his bed, headphones connected to his phone while his eyes are closed, listening to music. He’s unaware of my presence so I take the empty seat beside his bed and nudge his forearm to get his attention. He jerks up from the shock of my touch until his eyes find me. Eyes I now notice contain an exhausted shine to them. Not a tired exhaustion but a tired of life exhaustion. He kept it hidden so well no one noticed until it was too late and he took drastic action. That’s the problem.
“Hey man,” I say, as he rolls his headphones around his phone, placing it on the cabinet beside his bed.
“Hey, I didn’t think I’d see you again today,” he softly says.
“Where are your parents?” I ask, knowing I need to say what I came for without anyone interrupting us.
“They’ve gone home. They’ve been here since last night so I shooed them away to rest,” he tells me, as he wriggles back in his bed, getting comfortable. I can’t help but stare at my bigger than life friend and wonder how long he’s been dealing with this. “How’s Tamsyn?” he asks.
I let out a sigh before saying, “She’s sleeping at the moment. She doesn’t know I’m here.”
“So out with it, I know you didn’t come here for warm and fluffies,” he says, as if he’s expecting a lecture. How many has he gotten today I wonder?
“Can I tell you something without you taking offence? Just listen please?” I ask him. His brows pinch as he nods. I lean back in my chair, stretching my legs out in front of me, one ankle crossed over the other as I clasp my hands together in my lap. I stare out Rafe’s window, not sure I can say all this while looking at his face. I take a deep breath and start telling Rafe my story.
“You remember the day in the cafeteria when I fell apart?” I don’t wait for his answer. I continue on like he’s answered me. “I don’t know how much of my story you know so I’ll tell you it all. My dad had just uttered the words, ‘Quinn died,’ and in a second my world shattered. You saw me and I hate to think what I looked like but my body gave out. It stopped functioning how I needed it to. My mind shut down, it was trying to protect me from what I can tell you is the worst thing to happen in my life so far.” I take a deep breath, steadying myself before continuing.
“You see, a few months prior to the day in the cafeteria, Quinn committed suicide.” I close my eyes, accepting the fact but never having said it out loud before. “What she did changed my life. If she hadn’t done what she did, I wouldn’t have come here. I would be content and happy, without a care in the world. What she did, forced me to grow up. Typical teenage things seem so trivial to me now. Drama and gossip I want no part of because what use is it when my sister, my twin is dead? How can anything matter when she’s not here to see any of it?” I glance his way, and he’s listening intently, watching me.
“When I returned home after she died, I kept myself numb. I welcomed the darkness creeping over me and I spent most of my days curled up in bed staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t function. I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to without her. She took a part of my heart with her and I can’t get it back. It was ripped out of my chest so violently with the shock of her death, I think my heart is going to be permanently damaged.” I run a hand through my hair as I find the words to say next. “Everyone in our home town was affected. I wasn’t very coherent at her funeral but I do know there were so many people around, paying their respects. Her friends were affected, her teachers, even the principal. My friends were a mess because of her death too. I had kids at school who’ve never talked to me before, look at me with pity or sadness because of Quinn. Her death has changed my parents. I don’t think they’ll ever be the same. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But losing a child to suicide leaves a momentous scar. She’s impacted my life in more ways than she probably thought she ever would. She’s affected Tamsyn because of me. And you know what? There are many more people out there she affected that I probably don’t know, people that she came into contact with or made an impression on. There are bound to be guys who had crushes on her, my friend being one.”
“She sent waves through more people’s lives than she thought she would. She thought she was alone, but that was the complete opposite. I will forever live with the guilt of not seeing the signs that something wasn’t right with her. How could I not, she was my twin. I should have been able to see it. I should have known something was wrong, shouldn’t I?” I ask, defeat looking at him as he stares back at me.
“If she didn’t want you to know man, there’s no way you could have,” he softly says, trying to ease my guilt but I see the truth in his words. He’s saying them from his perspective.
“Put Tamsyn in my position and you in Quinn’s. That is how our girl is feeling,” I say. I call her ‘our girl’ because I see now, she belongs to all of us in different ways. He tries to shake his head. “She’s a wreck man. Can you imagine what she went through last night, finding you?” He hangs his head, his own guilt eating at him. I give him a minute before I press harder. “Now imagine if she had been too late. If you weren’t sitting in this hospital bed and we were getting ready to bury you instead, how do you think she would feel? Do you think she could survive losing someone else, especially when, if for a few minutes, she could have saved you?” His eyes lift to mine and I see the tears he’s trying to hold in, his hands shaking. “I’m not trying to guilt you man, I just want you to see how losing you would have affected us all. I’d have to bury someone else I hold dear to me because of suicide. JP would have to bury his best friend man. Scott and Penny would lose a close friend too.” The tears fall down his cheeks and he swipes angrily at them as if they’ve betrayed him.
His voice shakes as he finds the words, “I don’t know why I feel like this. JP is right, I don’t have a reason to feel sad and empty.” I take his hand in mine.
“Hey, listen to me. Your thoughts are yours and yours alone. You have a right to feel exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter what other people say. They aren’t in your head. Only you know what goes on in there. Sometimes there is no reason why you’re feeling a certain way man. It could be a chemical imbalance causing it. But you need help. We need you to admit you need help, that you can’t cope with this alone anymore man. Asking for help is the first step. It doesn’t make you weak asking for help either, it makes you incredibly strong. We are all here for you, you’ve gotta take the first step though.” He stares at me with his tear stained face, taking my words in. “Reaching out to someone and getting help is letting the light in. You’ve gotta let the lig
ht in to defeat the darkness. That’s what I had to do,” I tell him, hoping my words are getting through to him. He finally cracks, his body shudders with his pain as the tears begin to rain down his face. I stand up and pull his head to my chest, cradling him in a hug while this usually bubbly, full of life guy falls apart. I let him cry, letting out all the pain inside.
“I need help,” he whispers, and I close my eyes in relief, glad I’ve gotten through to him.
“I know man and that’s okay,” I tell him gently, hoping he understands how okay it is to ask for help. Why is it so hard to ask for help when you’re not coping?
“Who did you reach out to?” he softly asks, knowing I’ve fought my own battle with the darkness you can’t see but feels so tangible.
“My little star of course, Tamsyn. I thought it would have been obvious,” I say with a light chuckle.
He wipes his face before he says, “It makes sense I called her that night. Maybe in my own way, I was reaching out to her too.”
“I’m glad you did man,” I tell him honestly. I hate to think of a world where Rafe’s smiling face isn’t a part of it. I cling to him a bit longer before I say, “How about you ring your parents man? I know it’ll be hard but I’m here.” I can feel his anxiety wafting off of him but he picks up his phone and dials a number while I take my seat in the chair again.
“Hi Mum,” his shaky voice says, after a few seconds. I don’t know what she’s saying but he’s silent until he takes a big breath and looks at me as if he’s talking to me. Maybe it makes it easier for his words to flow. “I’m not okay Mum. It wasn’t an accident,” his voice cracks at the end, the tears starting up again. I grab his hand for support as he listens to his mum’s words. He answers whatever she’s saying and then finishes with, “I love you too,” before hanging up. Looking at me he says, “They’re coming straight in.”
“Do you want me to stay with you until they arrive?” I ask, and he nods, lying back on his bed releasing my hand. I get comfortable in the chair and we sit silently waiting. “Things are gonna be okay, Rafe. You’re gonna be okay,” I tell him.
“Thanks dude,” he softly says. We wait another twenty minutes until his parents come rushing into the room. His mum’s eyes are all bloodshot from tears. His dad looks paler than he did when I saw him earlier.
“Rafe,” his mum says, as she rushes to his side, wrapping him in her arms and his tears start back up again.
“I’ll leave you guys to it,” I tell them, standing, ready to make my escape.
“Thanks Tate,” Rafe says, and I offer a small smile, thankful he’s on his way to getting the help he needs.
I turn to leave but his dad stops my exit with a hand to my shoulder and says, “Thank you, for whatever you did. Thank you.” I glance at his face and see his own unshed tears.
“I’m glad I could help. Hopefully he can get the help he needs now,” I say, and to that, he nods, releasing my shoulder and I walk out of the room. Once clear of Rafe’s room my own tears break free, all the emotions I’m feeling flood over me. Sadness, hurt, pain, grief, relief and hope. With hope in my heart, I leave the hospital happy. I got through to Rafe and pray it’s enough to help save him from himself.
Chapter 6
-- Tate --
I walk through the front door and no one is around so I head straight to JP’s door, knocking before I enter.
Peeking around as I enter, I say, “Hey man.” He’s sitting on his bed in the same position I found his best friend, headphones in, listening to music. I hold out his car keys to him as he tugs the headphones from his ears.
“Thanks man. How’s Tamsyn?” he asks, his voice laced with worry.
“She’s a mess. She was sleeping when I left but I came back to drop off your car. Could you drop me back after I have a shower?” I ask, wanting to get back to Tamsyn as soon as possible.
“Sure bro, no worries,” he says, as I take a seat on the end of his bed.
I don’t want to beat around the bush so I spit it out, “I went to see Rafe again. He’s asked his parents for help. Admitted it wasn’t an accident after all.” I let my eyes find JP’s shocked face while he processes what I said.
Wiping a hand down his face he says, “So he did try to end his life last night?” he asks, his voice shaking. I nod in reply. “Shit,” he utters, closing his eyes before they fly open, anger blinding them. “I don’t get it. What could make him want to do that? He’s the fucken happiest person I know. His parents are great, everyone loves him. I just don’t get it,” he says, sounding frustrated.
“You don’t need to understand it man. Depression isn’t biased. It can hit anyone, even the ones you think are the happiest and most put together people. You don’t really know what’s going on inside someone’s head or what demons they are battling,” I tell him.
He releases a sigh, “I should’ve known. He’s my best friend.” Guilt drips off his words. I shake my head not wanting him to feel how I do.
“I should’ve known what was going on with Quinn. She was my twin, but the fact is I didn’t. She kept it so well hidden there’s no way we could have known because she didn’t want us to know. It’s the same with Rafe. He hides it behind jokes and laughs, you don’t second guess if he’s happy behind his smile. Why would you? Why would anyone question him when he seems so happy? Appearances can be deceiving man. The fact is he didn’t want anyone to know. We can only be thankful he’s going to hopefully get the help he needs now.”
“How come you went back to see him? I’d have thought you wouldn’t want to leave Tamysn’s side,” he asks.
“It was seeing her suffer that made up my mind about going to see him. I couldn’t let her live with the fact she knew it wasn’t an accident and he was pretending it was. It was eating her up inside and I could only see it getting worse. So I went there and explained what happened after Quinn died, and how many people her death affected. It was just a different angle that happened to work,” I explain, not wanting JP to think he couldn’t make his best friend see sense himself.
“Thanks for that bro. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him,” he says, and I see the tears glazing over his vision.
“Just take it easy on him okay. I think it’s hard for people that haven’t experienced depression to understand it but just be there for him. That’s all he needs. No judgement, just be the best friend that he loves,” I tell him truthfully, because I know that if I hadn’t suffered through my own darkness I wouldn’t have a clue what other people are suffering. It’s made me more aware and it seems like there are way more people out there fighting their own demons than I ever thought possible.
“I will man. How about you go take a shower so I can drop you to Tamsyn,” he suggests, and I don’t hesitate, giving him a small smile as I go to the bathroom. After I’m showered and changed I walk out of my room on my way to JP’s and get stopped by my aunty.
“Are you headed out Tate?” she asks, looking me up and down.
“Yeah, I was going to go back to Tamsyn and stay the night. Is that okay?” I ask, knowing I’ve got school tomorrow.
“Yeah that’s fine honey. Do you need tomorrow off? I think JP is going to stay home,” she tells me.
“That would be good,” I say, realising a day off might be a good thing to get all my thoughts together before trying to get back into school.
“You doing okay?” she asks, and I notice the worry on her face.
“Yeah I’m okay. I will let you know if I’m not,” I promise, as I take a step towards her, delivering a kiss to her cheek. I know her and my mum talk all the time, so I know my mum is worried about me.
“Thanks Tate, you have a good night,” she says, as she walks down the hall towards the kitchen. I knock on JP’s door. He’s in the same position I left him in.
“You ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, if you are,” I say
.
“Yeah, I’ll just throw my shoes on.” When he’s ready, he leads me out to his car to take me to my girl.
-- Tamsyn --
My eyes peel open at the noticeable weight that lies down next to me, pulling me into their hard chest. I breathe in his earthy scent and instantly relax knowing it belongs to Tate. Twisting my face up I gaze into his eyes, taking in his wet hair. “How long have you been gone for?” I say between a yawn, covering my mouth with my hand.
“Not too long. Did you have a good sleep?” he asks.
“Yeah, I did actually. I’ve been out since you left,” I admit, as I wriggle around so I’m lying with my chin on his chest so I can see him better. With a tiny smirk on his face he wiggles his hand under my top that’s ridden up and draws small circles on my lower back with the lightest touch. I focus on the feel of his fingers on my skin and get lost in the sensation. It feels like something has shifted between us, our connection more electric since he returned for my birthday.
With his free hand, he runs it through his longer locks as he says, “So I went to see Rafe again.’ I stiffen at his words but he continues on with his circle movements. “It’s nothing bad, Sweetness, relax,” he tells me, which has my body loosening but still unable to relax, until he tells me the whole story.