by Sarah Delany
“Where have you been?” JP asks his best friend, who casually shrugs his shoulders.
“There were a couple of girls lingering around. I just walked them to their car to be safe,” he says, with the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. I can’t help but think he’s been with Chloe this whole time but if he’s not going to say anything, neither am I.
JP throws a spare pillow at Rafe who catches it easily, “Tate and I are crashing in the rooms with the girls, you wanna pull a mattress in there or you wanna crash out here with Scott?” he asks.
“I’ll crash on the couch with Scotty, you guys go to your girls,” he says, as he turns to lie down on the other couch, kicking his shoes off.
“You good, bro?” JP asks him.
Lifting his eyes to JP he says, “Yeah dude, I am. Promise,” he says. And that one word makes JP visibly relax like they have a rule between them. That if Rafe says promise, he’s telling the truth. I understand how JP must feel, always worried about his best friend, never knowing exactly what is going on in his head.
“Night,” we all say, as JP and I walk down the hall to the bedrooms. I lay Tamsyn on the bed while I pull back the covers and then shuffle her under. Lifting her dress, I pull it off her sleeping form and strip down to my boxers and then slide in behind her. Holding her tightly to me, her words from earlier swim in my head. Do you think we’ll always be together? My heart gallops at the very thought we might not be together in the future but I know with certainty, there was a truth in my own words. If something does happen, my feet will always lead me back to her.
Chapter 23
-- Tamsyn --
The closer we get to the end of the school year, the faster time goes. It’s as if it’s slipping through my fingers and I can’t slow it down, no matter how hard I try. There’s just this feeling hanging over my head that Tate and I are coming to an end and I can’t shake it.
It’s already a few weeks into the last term of school and our school ball is this Saturday night. Mum has booked me in to get my hair and makeup done as well as manicures and pedicures for the both of us. We went and bought a dress in the school holidays and I can’t wait for Tate to see me in it. It’s a dark green mermaid satin dress with a dipping v neck and a long split up the side.
On the Saturday morning of our school ball, Mum and I go to the nail salon and get our nails done first. The guys organised for a limo to take us so we are all meeting at my place with their parents for them to get photos of us before we go.
After our nails, we have lunch and then Mum takes me to get my hair and makeup done. I get loose curls put in and a natural makeup with brown tones which makes my blue eyes pop. When we get home I have a quick shower all the while managing not to mess up my hair or makeup. As I slip on the satin material, I call in Mum to tie it up. Once she sees me, she loses it and tears shine in her eyes.
“Aww bub you look absolutely gorgeous,” she gushes, pulling me into a hug. She pulls the straps at the back, tying them tightly and then hands me some of her dangling earrings to wear. I have to sit down to get my small black heels strapped on. I’ve only just finished buckling the second shoe when we hear knocking on the front door, so Mum rushes down the stairs to open it.
The commotion from downstairs sounds like everyone has arrived so I take a deep breath and walk out the door. Nobody notices my entrance until I start coming down the stairs and all the talking stops, everyone’s eyes are on me. I can feel my cheeks heat under their gazes but my eyes only focus on Tate. He looks extremely handsome in his three piece black suit.
As I make it to the bottom of the stairs, he’s shaken out of his haze and takes the few steps to me, kissing my cheek.
“You look breathtaking, Sweetness,” he whispers, so only I can hear and I know my face color is deepening.
“You scrub up pretty good yourself,” I tell him, which makes his smile grow.
“I got you this,” he says, holding out a plastic container with a corsage in it. He opens it, takes it out and slides it onto my wrist.
“It’s beautiful,” I tell him, looking at the delicate purple flowers with the sprinkled white spots. “It looks like.”
“The stars?” he finishes for me, and I nod, holding his gaze. “That’s because these flowers are called night sky petunias. They look like they have the galaxy painted on them.” We stare at each other and I can’t believe this perfect boy is mine. “I’d give you the real thing if I could, Sweetness,” he whispers in my ear, before delivering a soft kiss to my cheek. “I know it doesn’t match your dress,” he says, but I stop him.
“It’s perfect and I love it,” I confess. Holding my hand to my chest, I finally break his gaze and take everyone else in. Rafe, Scott and JP are all wearing different coloured suits. Rafe is in a light grey, JP is in a navy blue and Scott is in a charcoal grey.
“Wow, look at you guys. You guys look great,” I tell them, and everyone is all smiles. All their parents are here too. Only Tate’s are missing but he’s promised to send lots of photos. Another knock on the door has my mum answering it and in walks Penny, followed by her parents. She looks stunning in a light purple tulle dress that flows to the ground. Her hair is curled but piled strategically on her head in an updo. Her eyes automatically find JP and I glance to him to see the huge smile he has at seeing her.
“You look amazing Penny,” I say, pulling her into my arms.
“You look beautiful Tam,” she replies, her eyes scanning my dress with appreciation.
“Okay, let’s get some photos first, shall we?” my mum says, and everyone stands next to each other with arms around the person next to them. We then get some individual ones and Tate and I and Penny and JP take some couple photos. Rafe and Scott even take a photo together since they are going stag tonight.
“I’ve got some bottles of wine for the parents if you’d like some?” Mum says, leading all the parents to the kitchen. It’s nice to know Mum has made friends with the guy’s parents as well. Me and the others take some selfies on our phones while the parents are occupied.
“Limo should be here in a minute if you need to grab anything?” Scott says, so I grab my matching clutch from upstairs and then we say goodbye to our parents. The limo ride to the Brookwater Function Centre at the golf course is filled with all of us laughing and chatting about what to expect once we get there.
It’s supposed to be a casino royale theme so they have the round tables decorated as poker and blackjack tables. None of us dressed up in themed attire but when we see others, there are a few who clearly have tried to follow the theme. Everyone mills around the entrance, taking more selfies before entering. Tate holds my hand the whole way through to our seats.
We manage to find a table where we can all sit together and Chloe and Leyla even join us. Since camp I’ve let go of the anger I’ve held towards them about the Blake situation and I can see the girls I had initially become friends with, all those years ago. Our friendship will probably never go back to the way it was but I’m happy to see where it goes from here on out. They look gorgeous in their gowns. Leyla in red and Chloe in gold.
Over the microphone, Mr. Barnes tells everyone to take a seat so they can get started with dinner. It’s a buffet so every table takes turns going up and selecting their food. Once dinner is over, the dancing will commence. The charged atmosphere surrounds us as everyone is having a good time.
The teachers are acting as chaperones for the night and watching everyone with hawk eyes. Mr. Finnegan has his eyes glued to the punch bowl making sure it doesn’t get spiked with alcohol.
As soon as the music starts, everyone is on their feet and moving to the dance floor. The songs fade into each other as I sway with Tate while the others surround us. Smiles light up all our faces. Soon sweat is dripping down my back from the dancing but I don’t let it bother me, as I don’t want to miss a minute of the excitement.
I gaze
around the dance floor and notice Chloe facing Rafe with her arms around his neck and he’s holding her tight to him, whispering in her ear. An authentic smile shines from his face which makes my heart feel lighter at seeing him happy. He looks up at that moment and catches my eye, giving me a wink.
The next song to play is ‘Wild Things’ by Alessia Cara. It’s the song that sent Tate into a panic in JP’s car so I still my movements as soon as I realise. Tate spins me around so I’m facing him and moves my hands up to wrap around his neck, while his hands slip to my lower back, pulling me close.
“It’s okay, Sweetness. I’ve got control over it. It’s not gonna trigger me this time,” he tells me, but I’m still unsure. I know he hasn’t been triggered in a while but it still lingers in the back of my mind that anything could. With his hand, he runs his index finger down my cheek softly. “Come on, where’s that smile I love?” he says, his eyes following the route his finger takes. As his finger runs over my chin, down my neck and across my collarbone I can’t help but laugh as he hits a ticklish part. “There it is,” he says, his own smile matching mine. Leaning forward, his mouth coaxes my lips open and we lose ourselves while the song that once triggered him, plays in the background.
After a few more songs, the music gets stopped briefly as they announce king and queen of the ball. Our group screams with excitement as Rafe and Penny get called up. I glance to JP to see his reaction while I continue my cheering. He surprisingly wears a big smile on his face, cheering and clapping along with everyone else.
Once Rafe reaches the stage and his crown gets placed on his head, the huge smile he is known for spreads across his face. He takes Penny’s hand as she gets crowned and then he bows while she curtseys, making everyone laugh.
Making their way to the dance floor, the crowd parts and forms a circle around them so they can have their slow dance as king and queen. Half way through the song, Rafe leads Penny over to JP, hands her over to him and bows again. I don’t think he realises people bow to the king, not the other way around. JP shakes his head, smiling at his best friend and pats him on the shoulder before he takes over the dance with Penny. Everyone else partners up and fills the dance floor once again.
As the night comes to a close we all gather in the limo and get driven to Penny’s where we are having the after party. I gave Penny some clothes for me to take to hers earlier in the week so I could change out of my dress. I slip into my skinny jeans and tank top as soon as we get there, before everyone else starts arriving. Her parents have made themselves scarce again which they usually do. Tate removes his jacket and rolls up the sleeves of his white shirt and my heartbeat picks up. He looks even better like this.
He gives me a knowing smile when he sees my gaze on him and whispers in my ear, “Don’t drink too much, I want to have some fun with you later,” and my cheeks must look like bright strawberries from my blush.
As always Penny’s place gets filled with people. Since it’s the usual place for parties I think everyone just assumed it would be the place for the after party. The buzzing atmosphere from earlier has followed us here and everyone drinks and dances until their hearts are content. Rafe and Penny continue to wear their crowns for the rest of the party. Tate and I slip away early into our room and decide to explore each other’s bodies for the remainder of the night. I couldn’t have asked for a better end to a perfect night.
Chapter 24
-- Tate --
Today is the day we start presenting our English assignments on what we are grateful for. Mr. Barnes reckons it will probably take us all week to get through them all. The first few people do theirs and it’s much of the same things people are grateful for.
My name gets called third so I take my place at the front of the class, wiping my sweaty palms on my pant legs. I hand the usb drive over to Mr. Barnes for him to set up my slideshow I created.
My mum had to help and send me through photos as I didn’t have many with me. It was Quinn’s journal that inspired me when I was flicking through it one day. I can only read bits at a time so I still haven’t managed to read all she’s written but I will get there one day.
Taking a deep breath in and then releasing it I start, “Most of you won’t know this but I’m a twin. My twin Quinn and I were born three minutes apart and like most twins we were inseparable. We did everything together.” Photos flash across from the whiteboard behind me where the slideshow is projected. The first photos are mainly of the two of us as babies so I talk about that time.
“I would call Quinn, Quinny or flower queen as she loved daisies. And she would call me tater tot which made me feel like I got the short end of the stick when it came to nicknames,” my joke has the class laughing. I glance at Tamsyn, her eyes shining with pride at me talking about Quinn because she knows how hard it is.
“You know that saying the calm before the storm? Well Quinn was the calm and the storm. She had moments when she was gentle and quiet but then the next minute, she would be yelling from the top of her lungs about something she was passionate about. Her bedroom was always hit by her storm tendencies too and at times you couldn’t even see the floor because so many things covered it. But God forbid you tried to sneak in there and get something without her knowing, because like a sixth sense she would know you had been in there even if you hadn’t touched a thing.” I take another breath, steadying myself as a picture of her once messy room flashes on the projection.
“As Quinn and I got older, we started to drift apart. It wasn’t anything big that started to separate us but just small things like different groups of friends and different interests. I didn’t realise at the time that those differences would push us too far from each other.” The picture I have of our big front red door flashes up as I continue. “Quinn was quirky and that was one of the things I loved about her. This is the front door of our house which she insisted she wanted painted red. And what Quinn wanted, she got. She had a determination in her that when she set her mind to something there was no changing it, no matter what. She loved bright colours and adrenaline rushes. She was a true lover of life until sadly she didn’t love it anymore,” I gulp, as I feel my eyes burn. I look to Tamsyn for strength and her own watery eyes stare at me. She offers me a small nod and slight smile, so I breathe and carry on.
“You see, Quinn my twin, my other half, she committed suicide,” I state. Gasps fill the air at my words. Only the front row of Scott, Tamsyn and Penny remain unaffected as they already know my story. “When I went back home earlier in the year, it was for her funeral and it was then I came across her journal,” I say, as some pictures of things she’d written flash up. I didn’t take many, not wanting to share too many of Quinn’s thoughts but I took pictures of some of the quotes plus the poem she wrote.
“From the words that Quinn wrote in her journal, I could see how much she was struggling, but in our day to day lives she seemed normal, like everything was fine. I never suspected that she wasn’t coping. There was never any sign or if there was, I never noticed. And I will probably live with the guilt of not seeing it for a long time. The guilt of not being able to save her.” I blow out a shaky breath coming to the end of my speech.
”So in answer to the question, what am I grateful for? The answer is, I’m grateful for Quinn. I’m grateful I had her as a twin and that I have the good memories we shared which I can hang on to. I’m grateful for her journal because the words she wrote down helped me see I was headed down a dangerous dark path like her. Her words helped me seek help and I know that if I hadn’t found her journal, I probably would have sunk further into the darkness. Lastly I’m grateful that I’m alive. Thank you,” I say, as the last photo of the display shows the picture of me I took over the weekend. My smiling face in a selfie that I took in my room. I wait as the room erupts in clapping and cheers. I look to Mr. Barnes and he gives me a sad smile as his own hands clap loudly.
He hands me back my usb stick and says, “Wel
l done, Tate,” patting me on the back as I move to take my seat next to Tamsyn. Her small hand grabs mine under the table and squeezes it, letting me know with her gesture that she’s proud of me.
“That was beautiful, Tate,” she whispers, and since my throat feels tight, I rub my thumb back and forth over her hand, instead of using words.
-- Tamsyn --
I’m so proud of Tate. His speech was amazing but I could see how much it pained him to talk about Quinn. He was strong though and powered through it. After class, I ask Mr. Barnes if I can leave my cylinder container with him. It holds my presentation and he said he’s happy to place it in his cupboard for me for safe keeping. There were only a couple of people who got to do their speeches today so the rest of us have to wait until later in the week. I’m nervous to do mine but I hope it goes smoothly. I don’t have to wait too long because on Wednesday, my name is called.
“Tamsyn, you’re up,” Mr. Barnes says. Tate gives my thigh a squeeze for encouragement before I stand and walk to Mr. Barnes’s desk where he has my hidden collage. I open the container but keep it rolled up so I can talk for a bit. With a shaky exhale, I start my speech.
“When we were first given this assignment, it wasn’t hard for me to think of what I was grateful for. Every day we were to write a different thing or something new we were grateful for but my mind would always come back to the first thing I wrote down. It was my first thought and every day it remained the thing I was most grateful for.” I look to the front row and Penny, Scott and Tate all watch me intensely, my words keeping their attention. The rest of the room is silent, listening.
“My dad died last year and when he died, he took a part of me with him and I haven’t been able to get it back. Every day that went on without him, the bigger that missing part grew until I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I didn’t realise at the time that I was pushing those closest to me away, and even if I did realise what I was doing, I don’t know if I could have stopped it. When you lose someone who means so much to you, it breaks your heart so fully that it feels like you will never be the same person you were before you lost them.” I take a pause, letting my words sink in. “For a time, my grief was all I knew. To me I didn’t think anything I showed to the outside world was different. I pretended I was fine but I was really breaking inside,” I say, as a tear leaks down my face.