Don't Fade. Breathe Easy. (TNT trilogy Book 3)

by Sarah Delany

  “It wasn’t until someone saw beyond what I showed the world and looked closely at me. They saw the hurt I was hiding and helped me on my journey to heal. I still have a lot of healing to do but you helped me start what I couldn’t have done on my own.” I lock eyes with Tate and he stares intently at me, waiting. “Sometimes when you reach your lowest point, you need a helping hand to lift you back up,” I say. With shaking hands, I uncurl the rolled up collage I made and hold it out, for everyone to see. I hear a sharp intake of breath and I know exactly where it’s come from. Tate.

  My collage is filled with all the notes he’s ever sent me. From the pictures of the stars he drew, the photo of the butterfly, the message he wrote on my thigh in human bio and the rainbow bff. I even redrew the rainbow he drew at our senior retreat. There’s also the note where I know he just wanted me to smile. The note where he wrote ‘You are enough’ is there too, right next to the one where he said his heart belongs to me. I also managed to get a photo of the TNT that he carved into the concrete. I added a photo of my bracelet and necklace he gave me for my birthday and I even gently pulled off a petal from my corsage he gave me and managed to tape it to the collage too. In the very centre of my collage is a big red heart with all his notes surrounding it.

  “I’m grateful for the helping hand I received from a boy who didn’t know me and who didn’t owe me anything. He saw me when the rest of the world didn’t and no matter what the future holds, I will forever be grateful for that. I will forever be grateful because your heart saved me, Tate. You saved me,” I say, my eyes focused on the boy in front of me who I love. Hoping he can hear my unspoken words. I know guilt eats at him that he couldn’t save Quinn but I’m hoping I can ease it a tiny bit by letting him know that he saved me. I can feel the hot tears, run down my face as the emotion overwhelms me. Tate pushes his chair back, comes around the desk and cups my cheeks in his hands.

  “You saved me too,” he whispers, before capturing my lips with his. The cheering from everyone is deafening as we let our love for each other fill the air.

  “Alright, alright, settle down everyone. Well done, Miss Winter, you can take a seat now,” Mr. Barnes tells me, and I glance at him where he’s smiling at me. Tate holds my hand under the table for the rest of the class.

  When the bell signaling the end of the lesson goes, Tate leans close and whispers in my ear, “Thank you, Sweetness,” before kissing me lightly on the cheek.

  “I meant every word,” I tell him, hoping he understands how different my life may have been if he hadn’t entered it.

  “I’m grateful for you too, you know?” he says.

  “I know,” I reply, pecking him on the lips before we pack up our things to leave.

  After school Tate and I are in my room, sitting on my bed and he has my collage spread out in front of him, looking over all his notes.

  “What’s with this little smiley face? I don’t remember this,” he says, pointing to a doodle I’d drawn in one of the corners.

  A smile tugs at my lips as I say, “Pass me your human bio book.” His brows pull together but he locates the book in his bag and passes it to me. I flick to the back, inside the cover and show him the same little doodle I’d left for him so long ago. Now I know he never noticed the doodle. His eyes widen as he looks at it then glances at me.

  “When did you do this?” he asks, shock in his voice from not knowing it was there.

  “It was when I borrowed your books for the eye dissection and I wrote my number in it. I thought I’d leave you a little something of my own. I didn’t think it would go unnoticed,” I say, laughing at the fact he never saw my gesture.

  “I must have been too entranced with the smile on your beautiful face to notice this one,” he says, his own beautiful smile, shining at me.

  “Next time I’ll put your note in the sky so you can’t miss it,” I tell him, which has both of us laughing. When we quieten down I say, “I meant it Tate, your heart really did save me.”

  “I love you,” he says, before taking my lips with his and showing me how much he loves me through his touch.

  Chapter 25

  -- Tate --

  Tamsyn and I received top marks for our assignments and I couldn’t have been happier. Her words struck me right in the heart and I didn’t think I could feel anymore for this special girl than I already did but I do.

  The last few weeks of school are a blur filled with revision and studying. We have a lot more study group sessions at Tamsyn’s in the lead up to exams and even those are a blur. I’m just glad they are over with now.

  As we are all seated in the school hall for our graduation ceremony I can’t help but feel lost. I don’t know what the future holds and it is a scary thought. My parents arrived earlier this week to attend the ceremony and I was happy to see them after so long. They look a lot happier themselves since Tamsyn and I visited them last.

  Awards are given out and the main one for the school dux is awarded last. It goes to the student who has achieved the highest grades across their six authority subjects.

  Principal Astle says, “And the winner for the school dux is Scott Porter.” Our group of friends erupt into cheers at seeing one of our own get the most prestigious award. He deserved it, we know how much he’s worked to get it. I cheer as loud as I can for the first person apart from JP and Rafe, who was kind enough to befriend me. And I like to think that we will stay friends in the future, no matter where our paths lead us. Scott also gets handed a fully paid scholarship to the law school he chose to apply to. It is across the country but I’m sure we will manage to stay friends. I couldn’t be prouder of my friend for all he’s achieved.

  As the graduation ceremony comes to an end, we all leap from our seats, excited that this time of our lives is over and we are moving into adulthood. Even if we don’t know what that entails. I push through the crowd and find the girl who has my heart. Her head moves back and forth, her eyes searching for something. When she lands on me, her face lights up and she runs to my open arms which lift her up.

  With her looking down at me smiling, I say, “We did it. School’s over now,” breathing out in relief. I lower her down to her feet as she laughs.

  “Well not for the ones of us that are going to University, it’s not,” she says, lightly.

  “So you’re still thinking of applying to University?” I ask.

  “Yeah I think so. Penny got into the entry level health studies course. She told me before the ceremony started and I know Rafe was thinking of looking into Psychology which had interested me too.”

  “I still don’t know what to do,” I tell her, dropping my gaze.

  “You’ll figure it out,” she tells me. “Come on, let’s go see the others before I have to go to dinner with Mum.”

  Back at JP’s place, I take a moment in my room to think of Quinn and how she would have been today if she was graduating. I pull out her journal I now keep in my bedside table and flick through it. I usually let my fingers flick the pages, stopping when I get a feeling to. I let myself believe it’s Quinn directing me to something she thinks I need to see. This time my fingers land on a page I haven’t seen before. It says ‘bucket list’ and while most of the other pages are in either blue or black pen, this has been written in bright coloured markers.

  I scan the list of items she has numbered from one to fifty. At first my face brightens with a smile at the thought of Quinn wanting to do these things. The list consists of stuff like bungee jumping, riding a gondola in Venice, lying on a beach in Greece and climbing the Eiffel tower. But as soon as that smile arrives, it is ripped away because Quinn will never get to do any of these things and the thought brings an ache to my chest. I close my eyes wishing this list had been enough to make her stay. I feel like I will forever be asking the question of why couldn’t she have stayed.

  “Tate, dinner’s ready,” my mum says, as she knocks on my
bedroom door. I close the journal, leaving it on the bed and follow Mum to the kitchen where JP and his parents are seated. My dad brings the meat in from the barbeque for our celebration dinner.

  “So boys, before we start eating, we just wanted to say how proud we are of both of you. We know it hasn’t been the easiest time for either of you this year but we are so proud you stuck with it and finished,” Dad says, to both JP and I.

  “Thanks Dad,” I say. I look at my mum who has unshed tears in her eyes.

  “Aww Mum, it’s okay,” I say, trying to soothe her so she won’t cry.

  “I’m okay, I promise. I just need to say something,” she admits, taking a deep breath before continuing. “So your father and I had always planned a big trip for you and Quinn after you graduated,” she says, wiping away a tear that drips down. “Sadly we don’t have Quinn with us but I talked to Sharon and Todd and they thought it would be a good idea if we did a big family trip. All of us together.” She leans over the table and hands JP and I an envelope each. We look at each other then don’t waste time and rip into them, unfolding the paper and reading.

  “Italy?” we both let out excited yells at the same time, which has our parents laughing.

  “Yes. We thought we could do a month long trip to celebrate graduating before you have to decide what to do next.” I look to JP and he holds his hand up for a high five which I return.

  “When do we leave?” JP asks.

  “Next week,” my dad says, and my heart flits to Tamsyn. I’d have to leave her for a month. He must notice the thought cross my face because he adds, “It would be a month son, and that is only a fraction of time in the grand scheme of things.” Then he winks at me. My parents know how much Tamsyn means to me. I left my home to move back to be with her.

  “This is so awesome. Thanks everyone,” JP tells his parents and mine. We start our meal and I retreat into myself, lost in my thoughts. It isn’t until after dinner when I disappear to my room that I notice Quinn’s journal, sitting where I left it on my bed. I pick it up and flick back to where her bucket list is, scanning until I find the one I noticed before. Number four: Ride a gondola in Venice. I could do that for her. Then my thoughts grow and I wonder if it’s possible if I could complete her whole bucket list. And that thought alone settles something in my heart, like that’s what I’m meant to do.

  But to do that, I’d have to leave Tamsyn behind. Dad’s words replay in my mind, ‘it’s only a fraction of time in the grand scheme of things.’ I need to talk to Tamsyn. Jumping off my bed, I slide my sneakers on and run over to Tamsyn’s with Quinn’s journal in my hand.

  Tanya answers the door, smiling at me.

  “She’s in her room,” she tells me, and I race up the stairs to find Tamsyn lying in her bed, freshly washed hair, watching T.V. My appearance at her door has her brows pulling in.

  “Tate? I thought you were spending the night with your parents?” she asks, confused.

  “I was but something happened and I needed to talk to you,” I say, sitting next to her on her bed, taking her hands in mine then telling her what happened. “My parents, JP and I and his parents are going on a month long family trip to Italy to celebrate us graduating.”

  “That’s amazing, Tate. That sounds like so much fun,” she says, her smile shining at me. I flick through the journal finding the page and showing her the bucket list.

  “What’s this?” she asks, reading over it.

  “It’s a bucket list Quinn wrote,” I say, her eyes lift to mine, brows furrowed again. I take a deep breath and say, “I feel like I need to fulfill it for her.” She looks back down at the list and reads over everything. I see it when she realises what I’m saying. The list is long and it would take me more than a month to tick them all off.

  When her eyes raise to mine they’re closed while she takes deep breaths, “You’re gonna be gone longer than a month, aren’t you?” and her shimmering eyes stare at me.

  “Would you come with me? We could do it together?” I rush the words, but the moment I say them, I know I want her by my side. I don’t know if I can handle being away from her for so long.

  She lets out a breath before saying, “I can’t leave my mum, Tate. I’m all she has now and I don’t want her being left alone in this house. She may seem like she’s fine but it’s still so raw for both of us,” she says.

  “I understand. If my parents didn’t have each other, I wouldn’t have left them either,” I sadly say.

  “You should do it though. I can see it in your eyes Tate. It’s something you need to do and I won’t be the one to stand in your way,” she says, as a tear escapes.

  “I don’t wanna leave you,” I say, my own eyes burning.

  “I know. I don’t want you to go but if I had a list like that of my dad’s, there isn’t anything in this world that would stop me from doing it. I have a feeling it will give you closure and bring you closer to Quinn,” she says, softly. I press my forehead to hers and we both close our eyes, breathing the other in.

  “It’s okay, Tate. Anyway, best friends don’t break up, you know,” she says, opening her eyes as I do.

  We stare at each other for a minute before I take her lips in mine, needing this moment.

  -- Tamsyn --

  The day has arrived. Today Tate is leaving. The others and I have gathered at JP’s house to wish them farewell. Tate told me he talked to his parents and they were a bit hesitant to let him go, so they are going to carry on with him after JP and his parents leave for another few weeks and then Tate will be on his own. Backpacking and taking any jobs he can, until he can fulfill Quinn’s list.

  I was upset when he told me his plans but I know deep in my heart what I said was true. I would have done the same if my dad had a list. It’s a way for him to feel closer to Quinn and I love him too much to deny him that. I could be selfish and beg him to stay but I don’t want him to resent me. Life is too short for regrets and I could see it in Tate’s eyes, he would regret it if he didn’t do this. They say if you love something to set it free and I love Tate with all I have, so there was never an option of trying to make him stay.

  Letting him go again is going to be hard, but unlike last time, this time my heart is full. I love this boy more than I ever thought I could love someone and even though we will be apart, I’d rather know he was happy doing something without me than with me, wishing he was somewhere else.

  “Okay everyone, the Ubers are nearly here to take us to the airport so we better start saying our goodbyes,” JP’s dad says, so everyone starts hugging each other.

  “I’m a phone call away if you need me bro,” I hear JP say to Rafe quietly.

  “I know dude. I’m good, I promise,” Rafe replies, as they hug it out.

  I say bye to Tate’s parents and JP and then I turn to Tate. It’s as if we left each other until last on purpose. Putting off saying goodbye until the last possible moment.

  “We might just take our bags outside,” I hear Tate’s mum say, as they all try to give Tate and I a moment alone. When it’s just the two of us alone, I rush into his arms, clinging to him as the tears unleash.

  “Shhh it’s okay, Sweetness,” he tells me, his voice cracking. I breathe in his earthy scent, tucking this moment away in my memories.

  “Make sure you look after yourself,” I mumble, as my body shakes. He cups my cheeks firmly and raises my eyes to his.

  “I need you to remember that there is nowhere I can go that my heart will not love you,” he confesses, which makes the tears flood down faster.

  “I know,” I reply, as he kisses me deeply.

  “It’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later,” he tells me, staring into my eyes, speaking his truth.

  “I’ll see you later then,” I whisper, as I hiccup.

  “I’ll call you every night,” he says, and I nod. “I love you.”

  “I
love you too,” I reply, and he pulls me back into his arms, squeezing me. Then he releases me, kisses my forehead and with tears in his eyes, he turns and walks out the door.

  “Look after her for me,” I hear him say.

  “Always,” I hear Rafe reply. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground, sobbing as I let the other half of my heart go. It feels like hours later but it’s only minutes when I’m lifted into strong arms, letting out all my sadness.

  “Come on Petal, let’s get you home,” Rafe says, holding me tightly. “Scott, grab the key and lock the door dude. I gotta look after the house while they are gone,” he says to Scott, as he carries me out the door.

  “We’re here for you Tam, whenever you need us,” Penny says, as we walk to my house while Rafe carries me effortlessly.

  He places me in my bed, and we settle down for a sleepover, while they let me cry and miss the only boy my heart wants. Penny stays in the bed with me, holding my hand the whole time. Once the others are asleep, Rafe walks over to sit by me. He pulls a small folded piece of paper out of his pocket, handing it to me with a sad smile. I open it up and the tears start again. It’s a note from Tate. He’s drawn two footprints with the words, ‘my feet will always lead me back to you.’ Rafe pulls me back into his arms, hugging me tightly while I fall apart.