Bright Side
Page 24
His palm is sweaty.
I pull back as we approach the doorway, because something feels off. He’s nervous, but there’s something more there … like fear. He stops and I wait for him to turn and face me before I speak because I want to see what’s in his eyes. “Dude, are you okay?” His posture is rigid and his eyes are wide, alert, like he’s mentally and physically bracing for something awful.
He nods quickly. “Let’s get the worst part over with.”
I squeeze his hand and follow him to the other side of the apartment. He knocks on a closed door. I hear someone talking on the other side. He cracks the door and then opens it very slowly. There’s a mature, dark-haired woman in a black pencil skirt, red silk blouse, and black patent high heels pacing the floor in front of an enormous, carved rosewood desk. It appears that her phone is on speaker, and she’s firing questions at the person on the other end in rapid-fire succession. I can practically see them shrinking away through the phone. She knows she’s in charge, that this person is at her mercy, and the look on her face tells me she enjoys it. She wraps up the call with an irritated tap of a button. Her attitude doesn’t shift as she notices Keller standing in the room. “Keller.”
He nods curtly. “Mother.”
“Dinner’s at eight o’clock. I assume you’ll be dressed appropriately by then?” It’s disdain and insult. Like she’s talking to a bratty, eight-year-old stranger.
He’s wearing dark jeans and a black, long sleeved, button down shirt. He’s looks damn good if you ask me.
He ignores the jab. “Where’s Stella?”
“She’s at the art museum with Melanie. They probably got stuck in traffic.” It’s at that moment that she notices me standing behind Keller. “Oh,” is all she says.
I’ve never wanted to shrink and just disappear, but right now I do. Instead, I take a deep breath and put on my best it’s-nice-to-meet-you smile, the same one that I used on all my mother’s boyfriends that she wanted me to impress. I step out from behind Keller and extend my hand. “Mrs. Banks, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Kate Sedgwick. I go to school with Keller at Grant.”
She shakes my hand firmly. It’s supposed to be intimidating. I can play this game. “Kate, you say? Funny, Keller’s never mentioned you before.” That was supposed to hurt me. She’s scraping her eyes up and down me and her nose is scrunched up like I smell bad.
I shrug. “That doesn’t surprise me. We’ve only been friends a few months. Inviting me along on this trip was a last minute thing. I hope I’m not intruding?” I feel like I need to make some peace for Keller.
She turns and walks back and takes a seat behind her desk and puts on a pair of reading glasses. She’s fixated on a paper in front of her when she answers me, “Well, it’s a little late if that’s the case, don’t you think, dear?” “Dear” is clearly an insult. She keeps reading. She’s effectively dismissed us.
I take a step forward and raise my voice a notch to get her attention. I’ll call her out on her bitchiness all day long. “Is it, Mrs. Banks? Too late? Because I’d be happy to get a hotel room if that’s the case.”
She’s still writing, ignoring me.
“Ma’am, no disrespect, but I’m trying to ask to you a question. Can you please look at me?”
She drops her pen and narrows her eyes. “Sleep in the guest room; you’re not sleeping with my son under my roof.” She promptly picks up the pen and scribbles away.
I blink the disbelief away. “Excuse me—”
Keller is staring at his socks. He’s fuming and interrupts without looking at her. “When is Stella supposed to return?”
She waves him off like a fly. He’s an annoyance to her. “I don’t know. Call Melanie.”
He pulls his cell from his pocket at the same time he pulls me by the back of the shirt out into the hall. I shut the door, grateful for the barrier between us and that spiteful, mean woman. As he’s scrolling through his contacts we hear the front door open, followed by a woman’s voice. “Give me your coat, sweetie,” and a little girl’s giggle. Children’s laughter is the purest sound on Earth. I could listen to it all day and it would never get old.
Keller’s smile blossoms into something I’ve never before seen on him. It’s radiant and loving and proud. “Stella’s home. Come on.” He puts his index finger to his lips, asking me to keep quiet as we tiptoe down the hall.
There’s an elegant, blond-haired woman hanging coats in the closet. She looks about Keller’s age. So, this is Stella. I can see the appeal; she’s stunning. The giggling little girl has long, curly, dark red hair. It falls in a mass of wild ringlets down her back. Her arms are spread out to her sides and she’s spinning around in circles until she gets dizzy and falls down. The giggles are amplified as soon as she hits the deck. I don’t know who she is, but I just want to scoop her up and hug her. She’s so happy. I could use some of that right now.
The blond turns around and spots Keller and a smile instantly lights her face. This is Keller’s fairy tale. And I’m happy for him, for them. But, for one selfish moment, I wish it was my fairy tale.
Then, in an instant, everything I thought I knew changes.
The little girl looks up at the beautiful woman and realizes she’s looking at something across the room. Her little face turns until she’s looking directly at Keller and the look in her eyes is like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Like there’s nothing on the planet more important and wonderful than him. She scrambles to her feet and squeals, “Daddy!” as she runs to him.
Daddy?
He kneels down to meet her and hugs her tight. “Hi Stella. I’ve missed you so much, baby girl.”
She pulls back and kisses him on the lips. “I’ve missed you, too, Daddy.”
Holy shit! Keller has a daughter! And she’s adorable.
And curious. She looks up at me with Keller’s blue eyes and waves her tiny hand. “Hi. Who are you?”
I smile at her, wave back, and kneel behind Keller so that I’m face to face with her. “Hi Stella, I’m Kate. I’m your daddy’s friend.”
She pulls back and looks at Keller for confirmation. “You have friends, Daddy?”
He laughs and nods. “I do.”
“Do you have play dates? Like I do with Abby?”
He laughs again. “Not really.”
Her smile fades as she ponders his answer. “That’s too bad, ‘cause play dates are fun.” She squirms out of his arms and walks right up to me. I’m still on my knees. “Want to see my turtle? Her name is Miss Higgins.”
I nod. “Absolutely.”
She takes my hand and pulls me to the room Keller looked in when we first arrived. Keller trails close behind. After meeting Miss Higgins, I meet Melanie, the beautiful blond. She’s Stella’s nanny. She’s quiet and nice, and it’s obvious she adores Stella. I like her immediately.
We endure an uncomfortable dinner with Mrs. Banks. Afterwards, Keller, Stella, and I return to Stella’s room so that she can get ready for bed. I sit in a big comfy chair while they retreat to the en suite bathroom. Keller leaves the door open. I can see and hear them. Keller gives her a bubble bath and helps her into fuzzy, pink pajamas. He coaches and encourages as she brushes her teeth. She’s so proud of herself when he tells her, “Great job, baby girl.” She crawls into her queen-size bed and pats either side of her indicating we’re supposed to both take a seat.
“What do you want to read tonight, Miss Stella?” Keller asks before he plants a kiss on top of her curly-haired head.
“Hmm.” She’s really giving this some thought. She’s a deep thinker like her dad. “The pony book. But I want Kate to read it, Daddy. Is that okay?” She’s diplomatic and already a peacemaker at three and a half.
“Sure. I want Katie to read it, too.” He winks at me over the top of her head.
I read the pony book. Coincidently it was one of Grace’s favorite books, too. I’ve probably read this book aloud two hundred times. I am the master of horse neighs and hoof clomps, and I can be
very dramatic. Stella giggles when I’m done. “You’re silly, Kate.”
“I know.” I tickle her side and she giggles more. “It’s more fun that way.”
Soon enough her eyelids are drooping. They look just like Keller’s when he’s sleepy. She looks at Keller. “Will you play me a song before I go to sleep?”
“Of course.” He kisses her forehead before pushing himself up off the bed. He retrieves an acoustic guitar from a stand in the corner of her room and returns to sit on the edge of the bed. He turns and angles himself so that he can see both of us.
I can’t hold back my smile. “You know I’ve been waiting for this ever since I saw the guitar in your room.”
His eyes are downcast as he strums a few strings. He’s tuning, but a smile curls up. “Don’t get your hopes up. I just play for fun.”
I put my arm around Stella, she snuggles into my side, and Keller starts to play. I recognize the song three or four notes in.
So does Stella. She claps her hands. “I love this one, Daddy.”
He’s good, technically sound, and he seems comfortable with the guitar in his hands. With practice he could be great. It’s just one more thing to add to the list of things that make him so damn hard to resist.
When he finishes I raise my eyebrows.
He raises his in response. “What?” He asks quietly out one side of his mouth, as if he’s trying to keep it between us and doesn’t want Stella to hear.
“The Cure is so mediocre.” I’m throwing his own words back at him from weeks ago. I narrow my eyes, but I can’t stop the smile that’s spreading across my face. “Lullaby” has always been one of my favorite songs and he played it beautifully, even without vocals. The guitar was haunting.
He tries to keep a straight face, but fails. “I lied. I love The Cure … and yes, Robert Smith is a God. You happy now?”
“Mmm hmm.” I am happy now.
“Daddy, can you play one more?” She has her hands clasped together in front of her chest like she’s begging or praying. “Pretty please.”
He laughs. “I have an idea.” His eyes shift to mine. “Let’s listen to Katie sing.”
Stella tilts her head to look up at me. Her blue eyes are wide with anticipation. I haven’t even agreed to it yet, but I’m already trying to think of a song.
I’m quiet and they’re both looking at me expectantly. The same eyes in two different faces. I can’t say no to those eyes. No to either set. I motion with my fingers toward Keller asking for the guitar.
“You want my guitar?”
I nod and motion again.
“You play?” It’s disbelief.
“Not well,” I mutter as he hands it to me. I wink. “Fake it ‘til you make it. Isn’t that the saying?”
Stella shifts to Keller’s side of the bed and I slide toward the edge so I’m sitting next to them. I play a few chords to get comfortable. It’s been months since I’ve held a guitar.
I look at Stella who’s climbed into Keller’s lap. She’s sitting with her knees bent, arms wrapped around her legs. Keller’s holding her like a little pink, fluffy ball in his arms. “Stella, this song is called ‘Angels.’”
I play. And I sing. I used to play this song for Gracie and she loved it.
When I finish I realize I’ve had my eyes closed the entire time. I pry one open and peek at my audience of two.
Stella is clapping and cheering in a state halfway between mildly awake and dead asleep. “Yay Kate. You sing pretty.” It’s enthusiastic sleep-talking.
Keller looks stunned, but in a way that makes me feel proud. “Yes she does. I didn’t know you played guitar, too.”
I shrug as I slide off the edge of the bed and set the guitar back in its stand. “Gus taught me. He got tired of me messing around with his guitar, so when I was thirteen or so he started teaching me. Nothing formal, but enough that I can stumble my way through a few songs.”
He shakes his head. “That wasn’t stumbling,” he says, there’s admiration in his eyes. “It was beautiful.”
I nod to acknowledge the compliment. “The xx does it so much better, but thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”
Stella interrupts. “Daddy, can we have a play date with Kate tomorrow?” before sleep takes her.
He hugs her. “That sounds like a great idea.”
She hugs both of us twice before crawling under the covers. Keller turns on her night light before turning out the light. “Good night, baby girl. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Daddy.”
As soon as the door clicks behind him, his voice breaks through the darkness of the hallway. “Thank you, Katie.” He pulls me into a hug. When he exhales I feel any tension in him disappear. “You were amazing. You had no idea what you were walking into tonight. I know I blindsided you with Stella, and I’m sorry. I thought you’d freak out if I told you. I should’ve known better. You never missed a beat. She loves you.”
“I’m not gonna lie, I was in shock. But, that passed as soon as she looked up at me and said hi. What a smart, funny, adorable little gift you’ve been blessed with. It took me all of two seconds to fall in love with her. Do you think she’d fit in my backpack? I might take her home with me.”
His shoulders bounce up and down with quiet laughter. “She’d probably like that.”
I pat him on the back and release him. “I need to get to bed, dude. I have a play date tomorrow and I need to get rested up for it.”
He laughs again and walks me to the guest room.
“Thank you for sharing her with me, Keller.”
“Good night, Katie.” He kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you for letting me share you with her.”
Sunday, November 6
(Keller)
Saturday and Sunday fly by and once again I’m forced to say goodbye to Stella long before I want to. Our weekend was typical, we walked around the city, played at the park, ate hot dogs from the cart on the corner, but with Katie there it was like I was seeing it all in color instead of black and white. The fun was amplified into pure joy. Stella had the time of her life. She laughed almost as much as Katie did, which is saying something; Katie laughs more than anyone I’ve ever known. She’s refined the art of enjoyment and living in the moment. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s breathtaking. I’m not that way. I try, but I’m too focused on the future, on Stella’s future. I lost myself this weekend and it felt great. I watched the two of them together and it was hard to not imagine the three of us as a family. Just the thought of it gave me a peace I’ve never known. If there’s one person in this world I would like to inspire my daughter, it’s Katie.
We even spent time with my father this morning. He’s usually working the ER when I’m home on weekends. I don’t see him much anymore.
Stella is wrapped around me like a monkey. She’s crying like she does every time I leave. It breaks my heart. I rock her back and forth slowly and try to sooth away her sadness. It kills me. I’m stroking her wild red curls, the ones she got from her mother. “Shh, baby girl. I’ll be back soon.”
She sniffs and whispers in my ear, “I know, but I miss you when you’re not here.”
I whisper back, “I miss you, too, Stella. So, so much. But I’ll call or talk to you on the computer every morning and every night until I see you next time, okay?”
She nods her tiny head and wipes her wet eyes on my shoulder. “I want to say bye to Kate.” She squirms indicating she’s ready to be set down.
My beautiful little daughter walks slowly to my beautiful friend and extends her hands up over her head, asking to be picked up. Katie doesn’t hesitate. Stella wraps her arms and legs around her, rests her head on Katie’s shoulder and snuggles in. Not much in this world seems right, but what I’m watching now does. Katie holds her tightly but with a gentleness that’s calming. It’s what I feel when she hugs me, too, and I imagine that peace seeping into Stella now. Katie kisses Stella’s forehead. “I’m so happy I got to meet you, Stella.”
Katie looks at me, and for a second gut-wrenching devastation flashes across her face, but it’s followed so quickly by a smile that I wonder if I only imagined it. She looks at Stella and whispers, “I would love to see you again, Stella.” Katie kisses her on the forehead again before she sets her down. “You take good care of Miss Higgins.”
Stella smiles. “I will.”
After two more rounds of kisses and hugs and “I love yous,” Katie and I exit the building and climb into a waiting cab. The ride to the airport is quiet. I hate this part of being a father to Stella. The goodbyes.
It’s not until we’re on the plane that I feel like talking. Katie is perceptive and has given me the past two hours of silence to live in my head and not in the real world. She’s been holding my hand the entire time. It’s the smallest gesture, but she’ll never know how truly comforting it’s been. I speak without looking at her. “You know something? I’ve never seen my father laugh.”
There’s no disbelief or prompting me to explain further. No questions. She just lets me talk.
“He’s never played a children’s game either, probably not even when he was a child. And you got him to play Go Fish with us, just by asking. You teased him that you were glad we weren’t playing Operation because he’d kick our butts … and he laughed. He doesn’t laugh.” I finally look at her and her expression is blank but open. I shake my head and repeat, “He doesn’t laugh.”
She smiles sheepishly. “It was funny. He’s a surgeon, after all.”
I can’t hold back a smile. “I know. I got the joke. But what happened this weekend … everything that happened this weekend … was surreal. My daughter is completely, head-over-heels in love with you. My mother addressed you by your name. She only started calling Dunc ‘Duncan’ last year, and I’ve known him for six years. He lived with us in their home for a full year and she wouldn’t talk to him. My father told you to ‘Come back anytime, dude.’”