Bright Side

by Kim Holden

  Tom talks into the microphone. “I think we’re ready, you two.”

  Gus and Katie look at each other. Katie says something and holds out her tiny fist toward him. Gus smiles and bumps knuckles with her.

  Everyone in the booth has come to attention and we all seem to be holding our breath. Jamie and Robbie stand, like sitting is no longer a possibility, and hover behind me. Franco is bouncing on the balls of his feet and saying quietly to himself, “Come on Gus, you can do this.”

  Katie and Gus each put on their headphones, adjust them, and take their places behind their microphones. Katie still looks relaxed but there’s a shift in her eyes. She’s on her game. Gus’s eyes are closed and he’s rolling his head and neck from one side to the other, trying to loosen up.

  Sound guy flips a few switches and we can hear each of them breathing through their microphones. Tom hits a button and calls, “You guys ready?” Katie takes a deep breath and nods. Gus is silent. Tom calls out again, “Gustov, you ready?”

  He sighs after a few seconds and clasps his hands behind his neck. His biceps flex with tension. His eyes pinch shut. “I need a fucking cigarette.” I don’t know if he’s talking to himself or Tom.

  “This is going to be a long day,” Tom mutters under his breath before hitting the button to talk two-way to Gus, “Do you need another minute?”

  Katie’s already pulled off her headphones and walked into Gus’s booth. We can hear their conversation. “Gus, dude, you all right?”

  He shakes his head.

  “Listen, let’s do this. This song is kickass. I want to hear you sing it, like really sing it. Don’t hold anything back. I’m excited, I’m ready. C’mon and do this with me.”

  His face relaxes a little. “You think it’s going to be any good?”

  “You think I’d be here if I didn’t?” She teases.

  He nods. “For me? Yes.”

  She nods in agreement and sighs and then a grin emerges. “Yeah, you’re probably right. But it is going to be amazing. Now come on Gustov, put your big boy pants on and let’s fucking do this.”

  He grins back and shakes his head. He’s amused by her bossiness.

  She winks and taunts him as she exits. “Seriously, you’d better fucking bring it, 'cause I’m ready.”

  “She’s so fucking hot,” says Jamie, who’s standing behind me. He’s not being crude; he’s just stating a fact. “Is anyone else oddly turned on right now?”

  The entire room—even Clayton and Shelly—answer in unison. “Yes.”

  Franco elbows me. “You are one lucky bastard, Keller.”

  Yes. I. Am.

  Katie’s got her headphones on again. Tom calls out to them, “Are we okay, now? Gustov, you ready?”

  Gus takes another deep breath and looks through the glass at Tom. “Yeah, dude,” pulling at the waistband of his jeans, “I’ve got my big boy pants on now.” He glances at Katie and smirks.

  She claps her hands and laughs.

  Tom looks to Katie and calls out, “Kate, you good?”

  She puts two thumbs up dramatically in front of her microphone for Tom to see and adds the goofiest grin and wide eyes. Everyone in the booth bursts out laughing, including Tom. “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” He shakes his head. “Where did this girl come from?” He means it as a compliment. It’s been obvious all weekend that Tom respects Katie’s talent. He’s fallen under her spell, just like everyone else she comes across.

  Robbie pipes up, “Outer space. There’s not another one like her. The both of them, really.”

  Franco laughs. “You can say that again.”

  Sound guy flips a few more switches and music seeps into the room. Katie’s pre-recorded violin is low and haunting. The intro is long, which is nice because I could listen to her play forever. Acoustic guitar eventually joins in, followed by drums, bass, and electric guitar.

  Kate and Gus’s eyes are locked. We’re all staring at them like fish in two fish bowls, but I think they’ve forgotten anyone else exists in this world except the best friend standing ten feet and two panes of glass away. They’ve both let the music coming through their headphones take them over. Gus’s chin bounces up and down with every strum of the acoustic guitar. Kate’s whole upper body is in motion, but it’s slow and in time with the violin. Her right hand moves involuntarily at her side as if her bow is in hand. I glance at Franco beside me and he’s tapping out the drum beat with his index fingers on his thighs. I don’t think any of them are even aware they’re playing along.

  Tom points to Gus just as he leads into the first line of the song. The first two lines are his alone. His voice is low and hushed. There’s an undeniable sadness in his voice. Katie joins in to sing harmony on the remainder of the first verse. It’s muted and more of an echo to reinforce the emotion that’s coming from Gus.

  Gus continues to lead the first round of the chorus. His voice builds in volume while Katie’s adds depth.

  Emotion builds in the second verse. Although Katie is still singing harmony, her voice grows louder to equal Gus’s. His verges on anguish, hers provides a foundation. It’s an odd combination, but it works. You feel the struggle in both of them. It carries over into the second chorus. They’re both singing their hearts out and I know the next verse is Gus’s alone. It’s where the song climaxes. I don’t know how the guy can give any more than he already has.

  And then we find out. Gus has closed his eyes at this point. His hands grip the headphones, his back arched slightly with effort. He’s in the zone. Katie’s entire body is moving to the beat of the drums that drive this section. It’s as though the music is running directly through her and she’s been taken over. I wish I could lose myself that completely. As Gus’s words build to an all-out cry of anguish that borders on a pain filled scream, her smile is ear-to-ear as she pumps her fists in the air, urging him on. The entire sound booth erupts in unbridled cheering, clapping, and whistling. Everyone is blown away by what they’re seeing and hearing.

  Katie, eyes closed, joins back in and her voice matches the intensity of his. She’s singing the final chorus alone, while Gus repeatedly cries out lines from the previous verse over the top of her. The energy and intensity in the sound booth is palpable. If I’m this amped up, what are Katie and Gus feeling?

  Katie belts out her final line. Gus follows it up with a war cry: “I’ve given up on life. Or life’s given up on me. Either way I’m done.” And then his voice hitches and quiets. “Finish me.”

  Katie’s still bouncing in place, eyes closed, smile wide, fists clenched, chest heaving with effort, riding out the end of the song, which is all instrumental. It’s the beginning of the song in reverse. The electric guitar and bass drop out, followed a few measures later by the drums. The acoustic guitar and violin dance intimately in the air around us. Finally the guitar strums its last chord and the haunting violin plays itself out.

  As the last note ends, Gus and Katie open their eyes. Gus smiles a combination of relief and exhaustion. “I love you, Bright Side,” he whispers.

  She smiles back. “I love you, too, Gus,” she answers just as softly.

  That wasn’t part of the song, but it was captured on the recording and that fact makes me happy. Hearing another man tell your girlfriend he loves her should bother me, but it doesn’t. I want Katie to be surrounded by people who love her.

  The room erupts again. Tom throws the tightly rolled papers he was holding up in the air, leans back in his chair, and shakes his head. He looks from Jamie, to Robbie, to Franco, and back. “What in the hell was that?” The guy is in shock. “Where did that come from? I’ve never seen Gustov like that. They nailed it.” He’s blinking in disbelief.

  Franco speaks up. “It’s Kate, man. She’s his muse. Always has been. You saw what they just did together. No one else brings that out in him. They feed off each other. I’ve never seen anything else like it. Musically they’re so in tune with each other, it’s like they can read each other’s minds. But,
you’re right. What we just witnessed was un-fucking-believable … even for them.” He smiles. “I’m guessing you’re not going to have them run through it again?”

  Tom clears his throat, shakes his head, and hits the button to address Gus and Katie. “I think we’re good. You two wanna come back in here so you can listen to this?”

  A few moments later, Gus stands behind Jamie and Robbie and rests his arms around their shoulders like he needs them to stand. Katie stands in front of me and leans back against me. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. I can feel her struggling a little with each breath. I whisper in her ear, “You are a rock star. I just witnessed it. You were amazing.”

  She rubs my forearms with her soft, small hands. “Thanks, baby.”

  I love it when she calls me that.

  Gus has finally caught his breath. “Goddammit, Bright Side, I think the big boy pants worked.”

  Her laughter reverberates through me.

  The recording sounds every bit as phenomenal as it did live. I feel goose bumps rise on Katie’s arms.

  Tom looks at Gus as the “I love yous” fade out. “What do you think? You happy with that?”

  Gus looks to Katie for confirmation before he answers. She nods her head. He smiles. “Yeah, we’re good.”

  Tom exhales. “Good, because there’s no way I was going to let you even attempt to redo it.” He points to the soundboard. “That was brilliant.”

  Next, Robbie, Jamie, and Franco all crowd around a microphone in one of the recording booths to record all the background harmonies. It takes several attempts but they wrap up an hour later. This piece of the song is minor but when it’s layered in with everything else, it’s like the cherry on top.

  We all listen to the final rough version when we return from lunch. Franco and Katie take turns telling each other how god awful they sound. It helps relieve the stress that’s torturing Gus. He insists on listening to it five or six times. Tom strikes down every suggestion Gus makes to change it. When Katie agrees it should be left as it is, Gus concedes.

  A cab arrives to transport the band and Tom to the airport shortly after. That means that it’s time to say goodbye to Katie. They don’t know if they’ll see her again.

  Tom hugs her and tells her how honored he is to have worked with her again.

  Jamie cries openly as he hugs her. He can’t even speak as he turns away to climb in the cab.

  Robbie hugs her delicately, like he’s afraid he’s going to break her. His eyes are glassy when he tells her, “Hang in there, Kate,” before ducking in the cab’s backseat next to Jamie.

  Franco looks up at the sky and blinks rapidly. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.” The tears trickle down his cheeks. He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her into a bear hug. “I’m going to miss you so much, Kate. I can’t say goodbye. This is so fucking wrong.”

  She’s trying to force a smile, but her lip’s starting to tremble. “I’ll miss you, too.”

  He kisses her forehead and squeezes her hand before he walks to the cab.

  She stops him before he disappears into the cab, “Franco?”

  He turns. “Yeah.”

  “Sorry about all the shit I’ve always given you. I hope you know I never meant any of it. You’re one of most awesome dudes I’ve ever known.”

  He smiles through the tears. “Right back at ya, Kate.”

  It’s heartbreaking to watch.

  Gus is standing a few feet away, smoking a cigarette. He takes one last drag and flicks it into the street before turning toward Katie. She takes his huge hands in her small hands. It’s funny how well they fit together given the extreme size difference. “You should quit, you know,” she tells him.

  He nods and it’s solemn. “I know. Believe me, I know.”

  She swings their arms between them. Neither one of them wants to say goodbye, like if one of them speaks it all has to end. So they stand in silence and stare at each other. The tears from Gus’s eyes start slowly, but when they turn into a steady stream he abruptly pulls her off the ground into a hug.

  His voice is considerably calm despite the tears. “This isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you after Christmas.” Their tour ends a few days before the holidays.

  She nods against his shoulder. “It’s not goodbye. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

  He squeezes her tighter and his voices breaks. “Promise?”

  Her voice sounds thick and muffled. “I promise, Gus.”

  He sets her down gently and holds her cheek against his chest and strokes her hair twice before releasing her. She’s holding on to the hem of his shirt like she doesn’t want him to go. He takes her face in his hands and bends down until he’s eye to eye with her. “I love you, Bright Side.” He pecks her lightly on the lips.

  She whispers, “I love you, too.”

  He strides toward the cab, swings the front passenger door of the cab open, and climbs inside. No goodbye.

  Katie blows kisses and waves as the cab pulls away from the curb. Tears are silently streaming when she turns to face me. She’s finally let them fall.

  When she hugs me, it’s like she’s falling into me. I rub circles into her back. “You have such great friends, Katie.”

  “I know. I’m so fucking lucky.” She means it.

  I kiss the top of her head. “We’re the lucky ones.”

  Monday, December 19

  (Keller)

  My mother hasn’t talked to me in a month. She’s still upset with me for changing my major … my whole life, I guess. I know it shouldn’t bother me because it’s what we do, what we’ve done my entire life. There’s a pattern: I try like hell, but it’s never good enough, and she’s disappointed, I feel like a failure … repeat … repeat … repeat.

  I guess it’s bothering me because for the first time in my life, I’m proud of myself. I feel focused. I feel confident. I feel brave. And I feel all of these things because of Katie. Being around her these past few months has changed me. I’m a better man because of her.

  Why can’t my mother see that?

  Katie and I drove from Grant to Chicago earlier today. We had dinner with Stella and Melanie here at my parents’ house. My father’s working the ER tonight and mother refused to join us.

  Dinner was melancholy given that it’s probably the last time we’ll see Melanie for a long time. She’s moving back to Seattle. We promised to stay in touch, but we both know how that goes. Promises are easy. She’s going to live with her parents and go to school to finish her degree. I’m happy for her. She’s a good person. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She’s been Stella’s angel for almost four years. I can’t thank her enough.

  Stella cried when Melanie left. It tore me up. And for a split second it made me wonder if I was doing the right thing.

  It’s after 11:00 now. Stella’s been asleep for a little over two hours and my mother’s in her office where she’s been holed up since we arrived this afternoon.

  Katie went to sleep in the guest room about an hour ago. This past week has been hectic and she hasn’t slept as much as she needs to. I can tell that she’s struggling. She’s so strong, the strongest person I’ve ever known, and she tries to put on a brave face for everyone, but when she’s alone she allows the pain to take over. I’ve seen it, and it breaks my heart. The reality that I’m going to lose her becomes more real every day.

  I don’t want to lose her.

  I’d take her place if I could. She’s the only other person, besides Stella, that I can’t honestly say I would die for. I wouldn’t even hesitate. I would take a fucking bullet for either of my girls.

  I throw the covers back off the bed, because I can’t just lie here any longer. I pace around my room chewing on my fingernails. There’s nothing left of them. I’m anxious as hell and my mind is racing. I can’t turn it off enough to get some sleep.

  I throw a pair of pajama bottoms on over my boxers and walk across the hall to check on Stella. She’s fas
t asleep. She looks so peaceful that it makes my heart swell with love. Katie was right. I am so blessed.

  My next stop is Katie’s room. She’s asleep on her left side. She’s been sleeping like this for the past week. She says she’s just more comfortable in this position, but I know the real reason. The pain is killing her. It’s so intense that she can’t lie on her back or stomach anymore.

  I fucking hate cancer.

  She’s in a deep sleep, but I know it won’t last. It never does. She’s the lightest sleeper I’ve ever seen. She must wake up a dozen times every night, and her discomfort only makes it worse.

  When she stayed at my place, I used to love to watch her sleep. She’s so beautiful that sometimes I would lie next to her and just watch her. The rise and fall of her chest. The flutter behind her eyelids as her mind raced through dreams. The absolute tranquility was breathtaking. Sometimes I would daydream, wondering: What would it be like to get to keep her forever? What would it be like to marry her? What would she look like carrying my child? What would our child look like?

  Last week, I stopped watching her sleep. Her pain has begun to take hold of her in the night. Her body stiffens against it. Her face contorts, fighting it. Sometimes she cries out. The tranquility is gone. And that shatters me.