“Fuck it,” was his breathy reply before smashing his lips against hers. His kisses were almost hostile. His lips devoured her, wanting to punish her. He grabbed the outside of her thighs and lifted her up onto the sink, stepping between her legs. Samantha felt like her whole body was on fire. She wrapped her legs around his hips, keeping him from being able to pull away. The wave of passion overtook them. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies without restraint while their tongues explored each other’s mouths. Samantha moaned in pleasure as she rocked her hips against his. She could feel his arousal growing between her legs. She wanted all of him.
“I want you. So bad,” it was an admission Samantha hadn’t been prepared to make. She had wanted to force him to his knees in desire, make him admit their connection was physical. Instead, she had lost herself in her need for him. Her hands found his belt buckle just before his fingers clasped down on top of them.
“Wait,” he stopped her, pulling away with a deep sigh.
“What’s wrong?” It felt like he had dumped a gallon of ice water over her head. She shuddered. The few inches between them felt like an insurmountable chasm compared to the closeness they just had. A sudden emptiness tore through Samantha’s heart.
“I want more than this,” he sounded defeated. It broke her heart. He was staring down at her hands in his, unwilling to meet her eyes. She had a sudden urge to hug him, to hold him to her chest until he understood how much he meant to her. How much he had always meant to her. But, she couldn’t. Images of her mother, devastated and destroyed, unwittingly flashed into her mind. She clung to the memory, letting the feelings of loss, terror, and emptiness kill the growing need inside her chest. She knew even if she could be with him now, that was how it would end. How it always had to end. Inevitably, love was pain.
“Why is this so easy,” Samantha gestured between them “And that is so hard?” Samantha gestured out to the world waiting to suffocate them beyond the door. He knew what she was asking. Their bodies always fit together. It was natural, effortless. It always had been. He knew how to touch her, but not how to talk to her. At least, not how to talk to her without her shutting down and pushing him away.
“Simple. This is safe,” he gestured between them as she had done. “That scares you. That matters,” he gestured to the door behind him as his eyes met hers. Samantha suddenly felt agonizingly ashamed. Connor deserved so much more. He deserved someone who would give him everything, someone who wouldn’t hold back. Samantha would never be able to give him what he wanted. She couldn’t. She needed to be strong. She would always keep him at arm’s length for her own survival.
“I’m sorry,” she didn’t know what else to say to him. She wanted to give him everything, but she couldn’t let herself.
“I know.” Connor didn’t say more. He didn’t need to. He kissed her on the forehead before leaving the bathroom. Samantha stayed locked away for another ten minutes, fighting back the tears she wanted to cry for Connor, for herself, for their discarded love.
She found Connor toward the entrance. He had been waiting for her. They didn’t speak to each other on the ride home. The silence wasn’t awkward this time. Now it felt like a conclusion, the end of her and Connor. Samantha reached across the car and grabbed Connor’s hand from off his knee. She didn’t look at him. She didn’t say a word. She merely interlocked her fingers with his and held tightly for the rest of their hushed drive. It was an acknowledgement of her want for things to be different. Together they silently mourned the death of their love.
When he pulled up to her house, neither spoke a word. There was no need. Samantha slid out of the passenger seat and walked up to her apartment. That night she cried harder than she had in eleven years. Her heart broke open again. When she was finally overcome by sleep, her pillow was soaked with eleven years of her regret.
Chapter Sixteen - The Dance
On Thursday Connor didn’t come to the Phillip, Morrissey & Tanner office. Instead, he worked from Republic Consulting for the first time since the merger began. The whole office felt his absence, but no one as much as Samantha. She hadn’t realized how much she had grown to like working with him, watching him. She was lethargic, unmotivated for the first time in as long as she could remember. Every little thing she did felt exhausting, checking e-mails, answering the phone, sitting in meetings. All she wanted to do was crawl back into bed and pull the covers over head. Somehow she trudged through the rest of the day. Tammy had wandered into her office around two in the afternoon, breaking up the monotony.
“I just received your travel itinerary from Brianna. It looks like you will be flying out on Sunday evening. Would you like me to arrange for a town car to take you to the airport?” Samantha was too distracted to be annoyed at her lack of knocking.
“Who is Brianna?”
“Connor’s assistant,” Tammy responded easily, unaware of the knife she was twisting in Samantha’s heart. Connor wouldn’t even bother to e-mail her their itinerary himself. He had to have his assistant contact her assistant. He needed two degrees of separation from her. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but she was still hurt.
“Don’t bother with a town car. I’ll just take a cab,” Samantha’s response was curt. She spent the rest of the afternoon trying and failing to avoid thinking about Connor. Around three she sent him an e-mail to confirm she received his literary and would meet him at the gate on Sunday unless he wanted to arrange transportation for them both. It was a completely professional e-mail that she could have sent Mr. Slone. There were no tricks, no innuendo, no references to their last two dates. Still, it meant something more than the words. It was a gesture. An olive branch. Connor didn't reply. After finally giving up on accomplishing anything remotely worthwhile, Samantha went home, crawled into bed, and wallowed.
On Friday, Connor was back. When Samantha heard his voice talking to Tammy outside of her office, she let out an audible sigh. It felt like she had been holding her breath for two days and was finally able to breathe again. In less than two weeks Connor had somehow become part of her life. Not just her work, her life. Just having him near her both calmed and excited her, made her feel more complete in ways she didn’t understand and would never admit. Samantha sat in her office chair, closed her eyes and listened to the sound of Connor’s voice. He was too far away for her to make out what he was saying, but the melodic tones still eased the ache in her heart from their last date.
The voice started to trail off and Samantha followed it, getting up from her seat and walking towards the door. She couldn’t resist the urge to stay close to Connor. Just as she reached her doorway, Tammy popped up in front of her, blocking the way.
“Oh sorry,” Tammy said with a start. “I was just coming in to tell you Connor wanted to schedule a working dinner tonight with you.” Samantha craned her head around Tammy looking for Connor. She made out the shape of his broad shoulders and muscular back as he walked away from her to the other side of the office. Her mind was willing him to turn around, to look back at her. He didn’t.
Samantha’s attention fell back to Tammy and the words she had just said. Connor had come to schedule a working dinner. Not a date. He hadn’t come to ask Samantha, he had scheduled it through Tammy. They were just work colleagues now. Samantha had never known victory could taste so bitter.
“What time?”
“He said he would pick you up at your apartment at six thirty,” Tammy read off her notes. If Samantha hadn't been so distracted, she might have heard the sappy tone in Tammy’s voice. Tammy obviously thought it was a date and expected to Samantha to turn into some cliché cartoon character with stars in her eyes and her heart beating out of her chest. If only she was as sure as Tammy of her happy ending.
“Thank you, Tammy,” Samantha said dismissively. Tammy walked back to her desk and sat down, obviously disappointed in the lack of butterflies in her boss’ stomach. Samantha stood in her doorway, staring at the back of Connor Grayson, drinking in the sight of him knowing
the time they had together was ticking away. Soon, after the merger, he would be out of her life again. She took the time to try and memorize every little detail about him, the color of his hair, the shape of his body, the softness of his lips, the sound of his laugh. Samantha clung to those images, locking them away deep in her heart.
“Did you need something else, Ms. Cane?” Tammy’s voice made Samantha realize she was still standing awkwardly in her doorway staring at Connor. This time Samantha did notice the teasing smile on Tammy's lips at catching her boss ogling the office hottie.
“No, thank you. Please tell Connor that I am available tonight,” Samantha said, blushing as she returned to her desk. She pulled out her phone and stared at Connor’s name in her contacts. She typed out a message. Then, deleted it. Then, typed out a new one before deleting that one as well. She did that for fifteen minutes before slamming her phone down with a huff. She turned back to her work, trying to focus on anything but Connor Grayson. She managed it for all of an hour before she picked up her phone again, hovering over his name. This time her fingers flew over the words and hit send before she could stop herself.
Samantha: What should I wear tonight?
Samantha stared at her phone, willing Connor to respond. Thirty minutes went by with nothing. Her foot was bouncing with tension as she chewed on her nails, eyes never leaving her screen. She slammed her phone down again, irritated with Connor and disappointed in herself. She turned her attention back to the financial reports on her computer. When her phone finally chimed, she nearly jumped out of her seat reaching for it.
Connor: Something conservative.
Samantha’s heart sank at the response. How much had changed in just a few days. For their first date he had told her to wear something sexy. Now, he wanted her to dress conservative for their business dinner. The same feeling of exhaustion from yesterday was back. She had a million things she had to get done before she left to Japan with Connor on Sunday, but she was struggling to focus. It took all the energy she had just to finish the minimum tasks for the day. For the first time since she had started working at Phillips, Morrissey & Tanner, she left early. She told Tammy it was because she needed to pack and get ready for the trip. Really, she was just too tired to keep working.
Samantha stripped off her shoes and crawled into bed when she got home. It was only just after four o’clock. She had two hours until Connor was picking her up. She couldn’t think about that, about him. She pulled the covers over her head and wallowed.
Connor: I’m downstairs.
Samantha woke with a start. It wasn’t until she got the text from Connor that she realized she had fallen asleep. She wasn’t anywhere near ready. She ran to the bathroom. Her mascara was smeared, she had pillow face, and a wicked case of bed hair. Very professional. Connor asked for conservative and was getting frumpy. Samantha quickly started to clean herself up as she texted Connor.
Samantha: Running late. Give me fifteen minutes.
She fixed her make-up, pulled back her hair into a messy chic bun low on her neck, and grabbed the first dress her hand landed on in the closet. Luckily, the dress worked. It was conservative, but still sexier than her normal work attire. It was a flowing emerald green wrap dress with a boat neck that exposed her tan shoulders without too much cleavage. Samantha rushed out the door, taking a quick glance at herself in the mirror as she went. The green brought out the flush on her cheeks from the frenzy of getting ready. She didn’t look as polished as she usually did, but not bad for fifteen minutes post-nap. Good enough for a work dinner she thought with a sigh.
“Sorry I’m late,” Samantha said as she turned to Connor after jumping into his SUV. He was still wearing his same suit from work. It was the first time he hadn’t changed to meet her, one more reminder that she was just another colleague now. Samantha’s heart dropped at the thought.
“Don’t worry about it,” Connor was curt, giving her a quick glance before driving off. They drove in complete silence for twenty minutes, tension thick in the air. Samantha racked her brain to think of something to say.
“Have you been to Japan before?” small talk with Connor felt weird, but it was better than silence.
“Several times,” his response wasn’t even a full sentence. He didn’t look over at her. Why did he ask her to a work dinner if he was still this angry at her?
“Any recommendations for what I should pack? Anything special?” Samantha was trying to engage him in any way. His aloofness was torture.
“Make sure you bring an adaptor.”
“Adaptor?”
“Power adaptor. They have different plugs.”
“Right,” Samantha felt stupid for not thinking of that. She had never left the country before, except for the senior trip to Mexico. Power adapters hadn't been at the top of her packing list at eighteen.
“We’re here,” Connor said as he pulled into a dimly lit parking lot. Samantha looked around and tried to figure out where they were. It looked like some kind of school.
“I don’t underst…”
“I lied. This isn’t a business dinner,” he cut her off. His voice was softer, having more a tone of guilt than annoyance, but he still refused to look at Samantha. “I made arrangements for us before…” his voice trailed off. She knew the words it hurt too much to say. Before I gave up on us. “Before Wednesday. And I couldn't really get out of them. I figured, screw it. I might as well bring you anyway. I lied because I didn't think you'd come otherwise.” Samantha's heart fluttered in her chest. He hadn't given up on her, not yet.
“Okay,” Samantha couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her lips. “So, why are we at a school then?”
“It’s my niece’s first dance. I promised my sister I’d chaperone.” Samantha’s smile grew at the thought. This wasn't just a date, he was including her in a part of his life, his family. “I was afraid when I told you to dress conservatively you’d do the opposite just to spite me.” Connor finally looked over at her, catching her gaze in his.
“I probably would have if I thought about it,” Samantha chuckled. “You know me, I live to be difficult.” She was trying to be playful, but she only got a quick half smile in return. Connor looked like a prisoner on death row. He wasn't dead yet, but he knew it was coming soon and he couldn't stop it. Suddenly, Samantha didn't want to be his executioner.
“Do you want to know a secret?” Samantha paused to see the shift on Connor’s face from resignation to curiosity. Good, progress. “I was asleep when you texted. I’d crawled in bed after work and just passed out! That’s why I was running late.”
He looked at her, eyeing her up and down as if deciding if she was telling the truth.
“You're not sleeping well these days either?” They shared a silent acknowledgement of the reason for their mutual insomnia. “That explains why you look…less…put together,” he was slow and deliberate with his word choice. A smirk was just peeking out on the corner of his lips.
“Hey!” Samantha shrieked in fake irritation as she reached across the car and smacked his arm. He laughed out loud, a full loud belly laugh. It was contagious. Samantha couldn’t help but laugh with him. It was now a cycle, Samantha's laugh making Connor laugh harder, and his doing the same to her, until they were both laughing like escaped mental patients. They laughed until their stomachs ached and their eyes watered. And with that the tension was broken.
“I think you look beautiful,” Connor said as their laughing eased. He reached across his car and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The intimacy made Samantha blush. Connor loved those rosy cheeks. “Let’s go,” he jumped out of the car to avoid leaning across and kissing her.
Connor took her hand as they walked into the junior high school gym. A wave of nostalgia swept Samantha at the sight of balloons, crape paper, and streamers. A cute brunette girl with Connor’s lips came storming up to them.
“Uncle Connor! What. Are. You. Doing. Here!” the girl’s tone thick with indignation.
&n
bsp; “I’m here for the dance, just like you shortcakes,” Connor replied with his normal easy charm.
“Urgh,” she clearly didn’t believe him. “I told Mom I didn’t need a babysitter! I’m not a kid. You better not do anything to embarrass me!”
“Don't worry, I've got great moves.” Connor busted into running man followed by the sprinkler.
“Oh my God! You are so ridiculous! I can’t even!” She screeched as she stormed off, clearly not appreciating his classic dance style.
“Love you too, shortcakes,” Connor called after her making Samantha laugh. She knew that he had three sisters, but had never actually met any of his family. It was sweet to think of him as goofy Uncle Connor.
“Come on, let’s get some punch,” Connor guided her to the snack table before they took a seat on the bleachers. Connor finally let go of Samantha’s hand as they took their seats, but sat close enough to her that their knees touched. That gentle touch made Samantha crave more.
“Your niece seems like a firecracker.”
“Yeah, she takes after Diane for sure. Always so bossy.”
“Diane is your older sister?”
“Yep, the first of the four Graysons. Diane, Connor, Allison, and Katherine. Diane always thought she was the boss because she was the oldest. And baby Katie could get away with murder because she was the youngest and the cute blonde one. The rest of us look like Dad, but Katie looks just like my Mom. Blonde hair, blue eyes, dimples. She was a terror!” Connor's eyes lit up with loving memories. Samantha could see his family meant a lot to him.
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