by Jill Cooper
I believe her, but it doesn’t take away my pain. “Why’d you take me? Why’d you have this Charlie Baker person come after me?”
Her mouth moves back and forth again and runs her hand up the banister. “We were looking for a little girl around the same age. Mr. Baker searched around cities, specifically areas where children were at risk. Let’s just say he saw you playing in a yard. Unwatched. And he…he thought you were destined to be ours.”
“You mean he took me.” I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched. “He thought no one would miss me. Guess they didn’t, did they?”
“Amber, we love you.” Mother crushes me in a hug, but I shrug her off and climb the stairs.
I’m not Amber. I’m not Tessie. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Motel 47 is outside of Bay Harbor far enough that no one from school will bump into me. It’s an old retro motel from the 1950s, and while it hasn’t been updated in a long time, it’s clean and looks new. It’s well taken care of. The old diner is cared for nicely with bright red benches and shining chrome edging around the counter and the rotating pie display.
I order myself a coffee. The stranger sitting across from me gets a hot tea. She has auburn hair like mine, and it’s tied back into a loose ponytail. She wears a yellow t-shirt and a white unbuttoned sweater on top. The lines on her face are deeper than her age would expect, and I can see the hint of tears glimmering in the corner of her eyes.
“I never thought I’d see you again,” she says softly. “All these years, and I gave up hope. Now look at you. Beautiful. Almost all grown up.” Her voice cracks, and she’s overcome with emotion. She pauses and sips her tea.
I feel no emotional connection to her pain. I’m numb. It’s like being recast in someone else’s life. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I know,” she whispers. “This is all so sudden for you. I hope your friends are treating you okay.”
I nod even though I’ve rarely seen them. I’m heading back to school tomorrow after a long absence. The homecoming dance is coming up fast, and it seems so unimportant now. I don’t want anything to do with it or high school. I should be graduating this year.
“Good.” Her lips stretch wide into a forced smile. “My home isn’t much. A small trailer about two hours from here. But it’s nice and clean. I have flower beds out front, and there’s a playground, right where you used to play. When I was—occupied.” She sips her tea. “I’m better now. I swear. I haven’t touched the stuff since you disappeared.”
“That’s good.” I rub my arms, suddenly really cold.
“Anyway. We were young when we had you. Your father and I never married. I heard he’s doing good now. Family man. When you went missing, it tore us apart something fierce. When he heard about you, well, he’s asked that you call him.” She pulls a small piece of paper from her purse and pushes it across the table.
I stare at it but don’t touch it. I hadn’t even considered a biological father, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want one.
“This is all too much for you. I get it. My expectations were too high.” Her lips are turned down, and I regret not feeling anything but pity for her. I want to make it better, but I don’t know how.
“I’m sorry. Really. I am.”
She pauses before slinging her purse over her shoulder. “You’re a good kid. You—make me proud. How kind you are. Let me just say that I’ve made up a room at home for you. It has a big window. I picked out yellow and blue bedding. Even has its own white desk, the same one you’d draw at when you were three.” Her lip trembles, and she squeezes her jaw tight.
Cathy’s strong. Far stronger than I’ve ever been.
“If you want to come stay or visit, you call me. You have my number. Until then, I’ll wait for your call.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere. Not until the trial. If you can understand.”
Cathy nods, but disappointment lines her eyes.
“But maybe I can text you.”
She smiles briefly. “That’d be nice. If you want me to come back for the trial…well, I expect you probably don’t.”
I don’t, but I shrug anyway. “We’ll see what the future holds.”
And my future? Right now, it feels very bleak. I’m alone. But one thing is for certain. Since talking to Cathy, I realize I need to be stronger and bolder—like she is. I need to take care of myself and secure my own future.
I’m just not sure how to do that.
At the foot of my bed sits my waiting luggage, filled with as many of my personal possessions as I can muster up. What stays and what goes? It’s almost impossible to decide what’s important because nothing matters anymore. Nothing.
I lay on the bed, curled up in a ball as tight as I can and cry into the satin fabric of my comforter. This was my home and where I belonged, but now…I’m being forced to move by the courts even though all I want is to stay.
A light knock at the door quells my sobs for a moment. I sit up and wipe my face, but I doubt I look presentable. My eyes must be red and swollen, but do I even care? I feel like I’m caught in the middle of a bad dream.
“Come in.”
The door opens, and it’s the detective in charge of the case, Bruce McClain. I hate him even if it’s not his fault. He’s the one who is gathering evidence against my parents, and it’s his fault I need to find somewhere else to live. I’m seventeen years old and being stuck in foster? That’s laughable. I can take care of myself, and I don’t want to leave my home.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re all right. I could hear…how upset you were.”
“Wouldn’t you be? Ripped from your family home with only a few bags to your name. I have to go live with strangers? This is laughable. I have a staff. Just let me stay.”
“It’s not up to me. It’s up to social services.”
I nod. “Thanks for caring.” I roll my eyes and swing my legs off my bed. I stare down at the bags at my feet, and I’m not sure I can really do this.
“I know it’s hard, but it’s only temporary.”
“Only temporary?” I snort. “I found her bones, the baby I’m supposed to be, buried in the wall. I might be only seventeen, but I’m not stupid. I know what it looks like, but my father never would—” His face is unmoving and unconvinced of anything I say. I lose the gumption to change his mind.
Truth is, I don’t know what happened any more than he does. My parents were arrested two days ago, and they refuse my calls, won’t allow me in to see them. Don’t know if they’re embarrassed or just guilty.
But I need to see them! All I need to hear is…that they love me.
Bruce nods and stares down at the ground. “Once the DNA tests are back, and it’s proven—your birth mother is ready to take you in.”
Cathy Summers. I met her twice briefly. She showed me pictures of her home. So simple. A trailer in one of those mobile home parks. I shouldn’t judge her. She gave birth to me. She’s my mother, but I hate all of this. I stand up and roughly yank my bags by the handles. “Don’t I get a choice? A say? I’m not going anywhere with her!” I storm out of the room and take my bags down the hall toward the stairs.
“It’s normal to be upset at her, but she’s not the one who committed a crime. She’s the one who has been looking for you for fifteen years. Just give her a chance.”
A chance? I laugh as the tears fill my eyes. “I just want to go back to school and pretend none of this is happening. I want to see my friends and attend class. That’s it!”
“Tomorrow,” Bruce promises, and he chases me down the stairs. The place seems eerily empty without Mother chasing down the staff and ordering them to do things. I miss her tall stature and perfect posture more than I thought I would.
The butler reaches for the door, but I’m in too big a hurry to slow down. “I’ve got it.” I grit my teeth and burst out into the sunshine. There is a group of three cop cars parked out in front. There’s yellow tape still marking off the front lawn and entrance into the car
port area along the side of the house.
I hate all of this so much. I march right over to the unmarked cruiser. “Can we get this show on the road?” My cheeks flush angrily, and I feel faint from how fast my heart is pounding. I want to go somewhere, anywhere, and pretend none of this is happening. It might not be healthy, but right now, it’s exactly what I need.
“Of course.” Detective McClain unlocks the trunk for me and lifts my bags inside. The sound of a car pulling up the drive sinks my heart. I hope it’s not more reporters. But out of the blue sedan, Jenny pops out.
I’m relieved to see her, and we immediately hug. “I’ve been so worried about you,” Jenny whispers and rubs my back. It feels so good to see someone who cares about me. I’m at a loss for words.
“She’s coming home with us,” Jenny’s father says as he steps from the driver’s seat. “I’ll be damned if this girl sees the inside of foster care. She’s been through enough and can stay with us as long as she likes.”
Bruce sighs. “Mr.….”
“Hornsby, Steven Hornsby.”
“There’s paperwork. I can’t just let her go with you. You’ll need to talk with social services.”
“Then let’s get it over with because she’s not spending another minute without people who love her. Amber, please get in the car.”
It’s like the dark clouds shrouding around me disappear. For a few minutes, at least, I am able to see a glimmer of hope and happiness. Jenny smiles, and it’s the first time I notice how radiant she really is.
“Come on,” she whispers, “your bedroom is going to be right near mine. It can be like a sleepover if you let it.” Jenny takes me by the hand and pulls me over toward her car. It’s not a question of if I’m going home with her. She knows as well as I do how her father operates.
And judging from the helpless look on the detective’s face, he knows it, too.
I thought after a calm night with Jenny, things would be better. Once I got back to school, things would be different. Boy was I wrong. I discovered it first thing at my locker. Someone had gotten in early and spray-painted the name Tessie all over it. I guess word of my real name had spread fast. Bad news always did.
Hugging my books to my chest, I stare at the locker, afraid to move. Afraid to breathe. If I did, the pain welling inside of me would come charging out. I’d scream, and I’d cry. Talk about making a total fool of myself.
Jenny tugs on my arm. “Let’s go to class. I’ll go tell Mr. Davis about this. Get someone to clean it.”
I shake my head, still searching for my voice.
“You can’t settle for this. It’s cruel. This whole school is watching, and we have to show them this won’t be tolerated.”
“It’ll blow over.” I take a deep breath and open my locker. I pretend I’m strong, and none of this bothers me. If everyone can see what a rock I am, maybe they’ll let this all go.
It gets harder as the day goes on. People stare and whisper wherever I go. Lunch is even worse because Jenny isn’t there. People move their trays to block me from sitting with them. They’re freezing me out. I’m nothing but a social outcast now. No one wants anything to do with a trailer trash baby, and that’s what I am.
My prestige and wealth are gone, up in smoke while everyone watches.
When I see Jackson, I’m overcome with emotion. “Jackson! You haven’t called.” I rush toward him, but he takes one look at me and leaves the cafeteria. His head ducks down low, like somehow this is so painful for him, but what does he think it is for me?
I throw my lunch away and slam through the lunchroom doors. “Jackson, stop!”
He freezes and turns around slowly. “I don’t know what you expect from me.”
“What I expect from you? I expect you to care. You say you love me, but this isn’t love. If this happened to you, I’d never leave your side.”
Jackson flails his arms out to the side. “Of course I care. I wanted to rush to you. I wanted to talk to you and be there but my mother—”
I shriek. “Stop talking about her! This is about us. Not her. I need your support to get through this. I’m not who I thought I was. And if you can’t stand up to her, then I guess we’re done.”
“Don’t say that. I just need a little time.”
I don’t have time, that’s the scary part. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. Or where I’ll even end up when this is over.” I shake my head and storm off, racing through the halls. I nearly slam into Carolyn, who is leaving the newspaper office. She’s editor of the paper and always takes her job seriously.
“You okay?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Is it about your parents? Oh, Jackson.”
“How could you tell?” I wipe my eyes, and she slings her arm around my shoulder.
“Guys can be such dolts, don’t you think? Listen, you can tell me allllll about it, okay? Jackson just needs time. You guys are perfect for each other. He’ll see that. Trust me.”
I smile. “Thanks. After what happened with Martin, I thought maybe we weren’t friends anymore.”
“We’ll always be friends, girl! I love you. I was confused, I admit.” Carolyn raises her eyebrows. “I hope you can forgive me.”
“Of course, I can.”
“Good. How about we get out of here? Go for milkshakes.”
“Skip school? Good little Carolyn?” I tease.
She pushes open the front door and shrugs. “Why not? You’re not the only one who is changing. I’ve decided to live a little.” She grabs my hand, and we take off for her car, and I never look back.
“What exactly are we going to do?”
Carolyn smirks. “You’ll see. I think it’s best if it’s a surprise for now.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jessica: September 10th, 2020
I change into an off-the-shoulder blue sweater and a faded pair of skinny jeans. I braid my hair over one shoulder, and by the time Ryan picks me up, I’m ready to get out of there. He looks preppy as preppy can be in his navy blazer, but he’s wearing jeans and looks just about as relaxed as I’ve ever seen him. Mom smiles kindly over pleasantries, and she winks at me as I skip down the steps.
We talk as we drive out to the drive-in. As Ryan pulls the car into our parking spot, he dims the headlights and his hand edges closer to mine. I stretch out my fingers until I find the warm skin of his and give him a coy smile.
He grins, and I see dimples on his cheeks. Ryan’s just about the cutest guy I’ve ever seen, and I can feel my cheeks beginning to flush hot. As if I don’t realize how deep my crush is, my heart skips a beat. Nervously, I tuck a stray hair behind my ear. “Thanks for meeting my mom.”
“No problem. Moms love me. I know just what to say.” He winks at me and puts the car in park, taking my hand in his.
His words unsettle me a little bit. I wonder, if he knows just what to say, what could his real intentions be? I hope it doesn’t go further than making out at the drive-in because I’m not ready for any more trouble. But I am ready to get serious about teenage things like dances and boyfriends. I could do a lot worse than adorable Ryan Alistair.
“Ryan—” I cut myself off as a server approaches the driver’s side door. Ryan rolls down the window and places our order for drinks and popcorn. There’s something so innocent and old fashioned about being here, it makes me feel warm and squishy inside.
We make small talk until the tub of popcorn and drinks are delivered. Ryan hands me my soda, and I keep it in my cup holder so I don’t need to pull my hand away from him yet. “So,” he starts with a playful tone in his voice, “when do I get to meet Dad?”
I bristle and pop some popcorn into my mouth. “You don’t. At least, I don’t think so. Dad left us over six months ago for a stewardess.”
“God, that’s lame. I’m sorry.” Ryan gives me soft eyes, and I want to melt into them and forget about all the rest.
“Yeah,” I agree. “It’s so textbook.”
“Do yo
u ever…? If it’s none of my business, you don’t have to answer, but do you talk to him? Do your parents split time with you?”
I shake my head and decidedly hate this conversation. “He called at first. There was talk of him coming to visit. Now he emails and makes plans but…it never actually happens. Mom could force the issue with the courts if I wanted her to.”
“But you don’t want her to.” Ryan settles his arm around the back of my seat. His warm eyes are sympathetic.
“I don’t want to force him to like me. If he just wants to get rid of his old life to celebrate his hot new girlfriend, I don’t want to stand in his way.” The words burn a hole in my heart, and I fight the urge to cry. I think Ryan senses it.
“You know, my dad said he met you. I’m not sure he really believed me until he saw for himself.”
Inwardly, I cringe. “I hope he said nice things.”
“Oh, for sure.” Ryan smiles. “He thought you were nice. He looks forward to getting to know you better.”
I look forward to getting to know him, too. If only to figure out if he really raped Amber Chetwood. Had he really become obsessed with her? He seemed so nice; it was almost unfathomable. Let’s face it though. Nice guys often aren’t as nice as they seem.
Ryan doesn’t say anything, but his arm drops until his hand is on my bare shoulder, and he massages it gently. I relax, leaning closer to him, and in front of us, the dark screen lights up. The movie is starting, and it’s not a moment too soon. I’m tired of talking. If we keep talking, I might start to say things I’ll regret.
Like telling Ryan about my arrest and time in juvey, which I wish to have scrubbed from my mind. Boy, was I stupid. It’d be best if no one ever finds out about it, but if it comes out and I’m not upfront about it… It’s definitely too heavy for first date talk, but I wonder how it’ll change how Ryan sees me.