How to Elude a Vampire (VRC: Vampire Related Crimes Book 2)

by Alice Winters

  He glances over at me with a grin. “Stole? Were you a naughty boy? Did you just walk up and go, ‘Give me your horse or I will pop your head off!’” I can’t allow him to know that his horrible rendition of my voice amuses me.

  “No, so this asshole that I worked for had this beautiful buckskin mare. She had a brain on her like you wouldn’t believe for a horse. And she hated him, so he’d beat her to try and force her to listen to him. Just constantly yelling or hitting her. So one day, I grabbed the whip he was beating her with and I hit him with it before telling him that I was taking her and if he tried to stop me, I’d break both his legs.”

  Finn finds this far too amusing. “I knew there was going to be bodily harm mentioned at some point.”

  “She was the best horse I ever had,” I say as I shut the car off. “Anyway, I’ve known the lady that owns this place for years and she lets me stop on by whenever I’d like for a ride.”

  “Do you wear chaps?” Finn asks, like this is something one does when they ride a horse around.

  “No. I have not and never will.”

  “Assless ones?”

  “Aren’t all chaps assless?”

  Finn is snickering now. I think the thought of me in chaps has blinded him to reality. “I really don’t know. What about a cowboy hat?”

  I narrow my eyes as I realize I need to stomp down this ridiculous idea he has before I show up one day and all that’s hanging in my closet are chaps and a cowboy hat. “I’m not a cowboy! Do I look like a cowboy?” I ask as I wave at myself.

  He scrutinizes me for a moment. “I want you naked with assless chaps and a cowboy hat or I’m going to keep being sad,” Finn says, reminding me that we’re doing this not only so I can prove that I’m amazing at something—unlike his roller skating tried proving I was a disappointment to mankind—but to make him feel better.

  “No. I don’t like you that much,” I joke as I get out of the vehicle.

  He gets out to join me and bumps into me as we walk toward the barn. “What about at home?”

  “You can ride me with assless chaps and a cowboy hat if you’re that into it.” This suddenly does sound like an amazing idea. Yes, yes, a beautiful idea, if I do say so myself.

  “Hmm… this suddenly got less fun,” he says as I head into the barn. A blue heeler rushes to greet us and wiggles around as I pet him. “Hi, buddy!” Finn says as he kneels to pet the dog.

  “Hey,” Nola says as she notices me. “Haven’t seen you in a while, Marcus.”

  “Been busy with work and stuff so I haven’t had a chance to get out, but Finn was looking for something fun to do, so I thought I’d bring him here.”

  She’s a vampire I’ve known for almost two hundred years. She’d been a top horse breeder when I’d met her, and I’d bought more than one horse from her back before automobiles became a common thing.

  “Finn, this is Nola, Nola, this is Finn,” I say.

  There is clear surprise on her face as she reaches out to Finn and takes his hand. “A… human. Boy, Marcus, I remember a time when you wanted nothing to do with the humans and now you have one as your partner.”

  I ignore her, but of course Finn doesn’t. “He tried getting rid of me, too. He’d make fun of me and tried his hardest to scare me. He’d even say things about eating me.”

  “Don’t listen to him, it was all in good fun,” I lie.

  “Well… it does sound like you had good fun with it,” Nola says with a smirk. “Anyway, you probably don’t need my help, but if you do, just give me a call. I have a yearling I’ll be messing with in the round pen out front. The indoor arena is all yours. The only thing is that Smokey lost a shoe this morning, so you’re going to have to ride Rayne and you can have Finn ride Sundance.”

  I’ve never ridden Rayne, but I’ve seen Nola ride her more than once. “Sounds good. Thank you again.”

  “Of course!” she says before getting a yearling out and leading him out front.

  I take Finn to the back and pull Sundance, the horse he’ll be riding, out first. She’s a pretty uninteresting-looking sorrel but a sound horse, if not a bit stubborn and lazy.

  “Now, horses know when you don’t know how to ride,” I explain. “Sundance is generally good because she’s slower and would never take off or spook, but she’s also stubborn as hell. She likes to just stand by the mounting block while hoping you’ll get your ass off.”

  Finn finds this funny as he watches me crosstie her. “She sounds like my kind of horse. Can I pet her?”

  “Of course. Her favorite thing is to be petted and do nothing else.”

  I hand him a brush and show him the proper way to brush her, glad that for once I’m all knowledgeable. It’s kind of fun teaching him something. He’s inquisitive, though, asking about everything as I saddle her and then when I pull my horse out, he asks if he can help.

  Once both horses are saddled and his is bridled, I lead them through a side door into an indoor arena. Rayne doesn’t have her bridle yet, so I just let her wander around the enclosed area as I lead Sundance over to the mounting block.

  “This isn’t how the cowboys do it,” Finn says.

  “Yes, well if you do it how the cowboys do it when there’s a mounting block three feet from you, Nola will yell at you for unnecessarily pulling on her horse’s back.”

  “Oh, I didn’t think about that.”

  “Although, honestly, you’re not much more than a horsefly to them,” I say as he stops and turns to glare at me.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Like in weight and size, ya know?” I ask, as if I thought he wasn’t aware.

  “Tell me again why I’m with you. Are you… are you brainwashing me?”

  I jokingly glare at him. “Me? You’re the one who whittled me down until I had no choice.”

  He just gives me a huge smile and climbs onto the mounting block. “Left foot in first?”

  “Yeah, make sure you have a hold of the reins though. If that horse took off and you don’t have the reins, you’re shit out of luck.”

  “Huh. Makes sense,” he says as he grabs the reins.

  “And you can grab her mane too. It doesn’t hurt to pull on her mane a bit.”

  He seems skeptical. “You sure? I feel like if I started tugging your hair around, it’d hurt,” he says. “Can I try on you?

  I give her mane a gentle tug. “Look at her face and her ears. Does it look like she cares?” Instead, she leans into me like she wants me to scratch her neck and forget we’re going for a ride. When I don’t do that, she decides that chewing on my shirt might be the next best thing.

  He watches her closely. “Huh. I suppose not. She looks pretty smug eating your shirt. Do you think I could teach her to tear it off you?”

  “No,” I say. “Left foot in the stirrup and swing your right leg over.”

  He does as I ask while Sundance gets ahold of my zipper and tries to rip it off with her teeth before I slip around to his right side. “Will this hurt your leg in this position?” I ask as I grab his foot.

  “No, it should be fine.”

  I stare at him because he’s the most stubborn man alive. He thinks I’m stubborn, but it’s only because he never looks at himself. It could be causing him excruciating pain and he’d be all cheery as fuck and “I’m perfect!” and not until later will I see how red his leg is or catch him rubbing it when he thinks I’m not looking.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he says, eyes slowly narrowing.

  “How am I looking at you?” I ask.

  “Judging as hell.”

  “Is it judging when it’s all truthful?” I’m honestly curious about this because I feel like he just doesn’t understand his obsession with hiding things.

  “Yes. One hundred percent.”

  “Now you’re just straight-up lying,” I say as I push his shoe back so the ball of his foot is on the stirrup. “Keep your heel down. Beginners want to point their toes down but if your horse stumbles or bucks, you’d tr
y out flying right between her ears.”

  “Watson would skin me alive if I came in with a busted arm and he asked what I was doing, and I’d have to make something up. Imagine if I told him I was riding a horse and he’d be all ‘For the love of god, why can’t you just sit on the couch like a normal person?’”

  I grin at him, knowing that Finn would not be happy only ever sitting on the couch. “This is better, right?”

  “So much better. This is also like a couch but where I’m sitting on my balls and the couch moves a little.”

  I snort. “It’s because of the way you’re sitting! Sit up, get your heels down, and feel free to hold on to her mane or the saddle horn if you feel nervous or unbalanced. That’ll fix your ball issues.”

  “Nah, I’m a cowboy, I need no horn,” he says. “Only horn I need to hang on to is yours, babe.”

  I shake my head and tell him how to ask her to walk. “Now, horses instantly know when someone’s on their back who doesn’t know how to ride, and they’ll generally see what they can get away with. She’ll probably stop at all the doors and the mounting block but you just need to urge her on. Now that you know how to stop her, are you good just sitting here for a moment while I get on mine?”

  “Yes!” he says as Sundance stands in the middle of the arena, doing what she does best while he scratches on her neck and praises her for practically doing nothing.

  While he does that, I bridle Rayne and take her over to the mounting block. I stop her beside it but the moment I step up the stairs, she does a sidestep away from me so I can’t reach her.

  I pull her toward me, and she gets an obstinate look on her face and plants her hooves. “Come here,” I say before clicking to her. She just elongates her neck, like that’ll solve everything. I look up, but Finn is too busy scratching on his horse to notice that mine is being a complete asshole. I get back down, shove her against the mounting block and try climbing back up, but by the time I reach the top, she’s moved just out of reach.

  “I will turn you into dog food if you don’t listen,” I growl.

  She doesn’t seem concerned, so I climb back down, say fuck it to the stupid mounting block and swing up onto her back.

  “I thought you told me you have to get on from the mounting block,” Finn says.

  Of course that’s the moment he turns around. “Yes, because you are a human and your body is weak,” I say.

  His eyes narrow. “Liar.”

  “Hmm… nope.”

  He clicks to the horse and she starts walking. “I like this horse more than you now. She’s so sweet.”

  The horse merrily carries him around the arena, listening oddly well to him. Strangely well…

  I click to mine to push her into a trot so we can catch up with Finn. Instead of jumping into a trot, her tail switches and she abruptly stops to scratch her leg.

  “Horse,” I whisper. “You’re supposed to make me look good and sexy, and instead Finn is making laps around us on the old nag.”

  She has to be pulling my leg at this point. No animal needs to scratch their leg for this long. I tap her with my heels and she puts her leg forward, like she’s going to walk on, before stopping to scratch her other leg.

  “What are you doing?” Finn asks.

  “She’s scratching her legs and I’m kindly waiting for her to finish,” I growl.

  A smile bursts onto his face. “Doesn’t sound very kind when you growl at her,” Finn teases. “Ooh. Can you make her go fast? I want to watch you go fast.”

  “It’s too little of an area to go too fast but I can have her lope in here. It’s like a slow run.”

  “Yes! That!”

  “Alright,” I say as I tap her with my heels and click to her. She sighs but starts walking like I’m asking her to carry a thousand-pound weight up a hill for ten hours straight. She literally just has to walk a straight line. “Walk on, horse.”

  I press my heels into her sides and ask her to lope. She jumps into the fastest ball-crushing trot instead. I give her another nudge and I’m quickly proven wrong that she can’t trot faster. And then she finally leaps into a lope, goes three strides before seeing a water tank and skidding to a halt in front of it so quickly that it’s just pure luck I didn’t dive headfirst into it.

  “No,” I growl and pull her away.

  “Why’d you deprive her of water?” Finn asks like I’m heartless.

  “Because she’s not listening to me. She’s had all day to drink.”

  “Maybe she’s really thirsty.”

  And there I am, letting a horse get its way because Finn is treating me like I’m abusing her. She immediately takes her upper lip and starts splashing water around and Finn rides right over to me like he knows exactly what he’s doing.

  “Does it look like she’s drinking?” I ask as the horse splashes water merrily.

  “I don’t know how horses drink. Do they lap? Because if they lap like a dog, then… no.”

  “No. They don’t lap. They just like… slurp it up.”

  “What’s she doing now?” he asks.

  I watch as the horse lowers her face until the water is up to her eyes and I have to admit that I really have no idea what she’s doing. Most horses don’t generally dunk their heads in the water trough.

  “Can she breathe? Oh my god. Does she hate you so much she’s trying to drown herself?”

  Hopefully, then I’ll go find a new horse. I pull back on the reins as Finn cackles to himself. “You’re not cute or funny.”

  “Sundance thought I was hilarious, didn’t you?” he asks as he scratches her neck.

  I force Rayne to the other side of the arena as she walks like a drunk. She can’t walk a straight line to save her life, and her life might be very short indeed if she doesn’t get with the program. The goal of this date was to make me look good. To show Finn that while I may not understand the art of… roller skating, I’m good at just about everything else. Usually extremely good at horses, but this isn’t a horse. This is a monster I’m on top of.

  “What’s this?” Finn asks as he easily guides his horse over to a wooden platform lying in the middle of the arena.

  “It’s called a bridge. It’s for training them to go over different raised surfaces but I doubt you’ll get her over it. Last time I was here, the woman riding her couldn’t… and you’re already on top of it!”

  Finn gives me wide eyes. “She did it herself. I didn’t even tell her to. Is it just me or am I ridiculously good at this?”

  God, he’s like a fucking natural and I’m over here flailing around like it’s my first day on a horse, not my three hundredth year.

  “Mediocre at best,” I growl.

  “Does your horse go over the bridge?”

  “Yes,” I say, then I lean forward so only the horse can hear. “You are going to go over that bridge and you’re going to make me look fucking sexy while doing it, and if you don’t, I will not hesitate to eat you. I’ve never eaten a horse before, but I can assure you it’s not too late for me to try,” I growl.

  Rayne flickers her ear like a gnat is annoying her.

  I growl at her.

  She swishes her tail.

  “I will feast on your blood,” I hiss.

  “What are you doing?” Finn asks.

  “Nothing. Just… telling her how good of a horse she is.”

  Finn looks suspicious as his horse walks over some poles on the ground without kicking a single one. I aim my horse for them and she refuses to pick the first foot up high enough and instantly trips over it before stumbling over the rest, kicking wooden poles this way and that.

  “That’s it, I’m eating her,” I growl.

  Finn starts laughing, his voice echoing throughout the arena. “Babe, if you want me to give you some lessons or something, I could.”

  “I will eat you too,” I warn. “I wanted to take you somewhere where I knew I would excel and you’d have to just look at me and gasp at how manly and awesome I am, and instead I’ve
been given a horse from hell.”

  Finn is now doubled over laughing and for some reason, it pulls me out of the irritation I was feeling. “Well… didn’t you tell me horses can read you? Maybe it’s because you jumped on and were all brooding and shit that she’s being stubborn?”

  “Hmm…” I growl. “Don’t try to be smart. Let me eat her.”

  “No!” He pulls Sundance to a stop and scratches her neck again. “Marcus… you move through every moment in life looking like you know exactly what you’re doing. You’re like this… rock-solid person who has everything in order and you look so damn confident doing it while I feel like I flounder around. Whether we’re at work or doing something at home, it’s like you just exude so much confidence. Honestly? I love seeing you get a little flustered every now and then. It reminds me that I don’t have to try my hardest to be perfect for you.”

  “Why would you ever have to be perfect for me? That ship sailed the moment you decided to be a human,” I say.

  He starts laughing as he shakes his head. “You’re right. You’re just evil and that’s why the horse is evil. Evil attracts evil.”

  “What’s that mean for you?”

  Finn grins. “That I’m a poor lost soul that got suckered in!”

  My eyebrows shoot up. “Oh bull.”

  “It’s true.”

  His grin widens as he moves his horse over to me since my horse has decided there are weights on her feet. “Even with all of these embarrassing horsemanship skills, I still think you’re pretty damn sexy. What if we come back another time when the horse you normally ride has shoes on?”

  “You want to come back?” I ask.

  He nods. “I do. I had a lot of fun. Then again, I think I’d enjoy doing just about anything with you.”

  “Anything? What about terrorizing humans at the park?”

  “Ooh… Instead of feeding the ducks? I like that,” he says like he’s dead serious. “I could lull them into a false sense of security and then pow, there you are.”

  “Is it weird I love the way your brain works?”

  “Of course not.”

  And I realize that I don’t care if this horse is the worst animal alive because it’s given Finn something to think about besides that monster. He’s laughing and enjoying every moment of this instead of spending his free time worrying about what’s coming for him.