by Ivy Wild
“What was that all about?” I asked as Silas approached me.
“Nothing,” he said, slipping his hand around my waist to rest on my lower back, leading me gently towards the escalators. It was the first time he’d touched me this way since high school and my body began to quake slightly, with what, I wasn’t sure.
He didn’t notice and as soon as we were outside, he excused himself again to speak with yet another suited man. I looked down at the bannister next to me. The slightly worn metal was twisted and faded and I momentarily distracted myself by grabbing my phone and snapping a quick picture.
Cameras flashed as the press tried to snag photos for the newspaper and everything suddenly started to feel like it was too much. I pressed my nails into my palm as I waited for him, trying to remind myself that Silas’ touches brought nothing but pain.
“Ready?” he asked as he walked back over to me. The black sedan pulled up and I smiled as I released my hand.
“Yeah,” I said, escaping the flashing lights as we climbed into the shadowy vehicle.
We rode in relative silence until we made it back to Georgetown, the driver pulling over between our two respective buildings. It was late afternoon, almost time for Sophie and Trevor to arrive. I climbed out first and Silas followed me and I suddenly felt unsure of the entire situation. Did he expect me to invite him upstairs? Did he want to go over some of the meetings I’d booked for him over the course of the week? Maybe he wanted to see my progress on getting his documents organized.
“Did you want to—?”
“Mind if we go up?” we said at the same time.
My heart beat fast in my chest at the thought of being alone with Silas in my apartment. It was all too familiar and all too dangerous. But I didn’t really feel like I had a choice.
“Sure,” I finally said, pulling the big glass door to the complex open. Silas followed behind me silently and the awkward silence stretched between us all the way up the elevator. By the time we reached my apartment, it was nearly suffocating me. I looked over at Silas and he seemed entirely undisturbed, once again scrolling through things on his phone.
“You’re on your phone an awful lot,” I remarked, my big mouth operating independent of my brain.
He raised an eyebrow but didn’t look up as we walked over to the living area. “My whole life is on this phone,” he said absently, not paying the question much attention.
I thought about his words. “That’s a rather sad idea, if that’s really true.”
He finally looked up at me and our gazes met. “You know me, Sky. I’m about as sad as they come.” The smile on his face was at complete odds with his words and I felt my carefully constructed anti-Silas defenses quake just a little.
“Did you want to go over what I’ve done so far this week?” I asked, but he shook his head.
“Not particularly. I trust that you’ve got everything under control.”
“So then why did you want to come up?”
“You’ve been working for me for a week now. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.”
I hesitated. “That’s oddly thoughtful of you.”
He barked out a laugh. “Oddly. Why oddly?”
“You caring about other people is odd,” my mouth said again as my brain groaned.
He laughed again, his white teeth flashing in a dangerous smile. “I may be heartless, but I care about my friends.”
“We’re not friends, Silas,” I pointed out.
“So you keep telling me.”
* * *
Past
I’d waited the better part of two hours for Skyler to finish teaching me the useless skill of how to use an integral to calculate the area under a curve until I could ask her today’s question. I’d kept them relatively benign at first. I wanted her comfortable. I wanted her feeling like we’d developed a routine before I delved a little deeper.
Because I wanted to delve deeper.
I wanted to know what made this girl tick.
I hadn’t lied when I told her she was a beautiful contradiction.
She hated being noticed but all she wanted in the world was to be seen.
She had the sunniest disposition and a bleak outlook on life.
She was cold and distant while somehow being warm and caring.
She frustrated and intrigued me all at the same time and I still couldn’t tell if I liked her, hated her or just wanted to fuck her out of my system.
So I bided my time as I tried to figure her out. I’d learned boring facts about her like her favorite color was green, her favorite time of day was the golden hour before the sun set and that she was a crazy environmentalist that cared a shit ton about animals and trees, especially weeping willows because apparently those were her favorites. She never ceased to shock me, though. Sometimes even the simplest of questions gave me glimpses of just who she was, deep down.
Like when I’d asked her why she didn’t eat meat, she gave me an answer that would have brought tears to even the staunchest of protein fanatics.
“It was back when mom and I were living in upper Maryland. She had an old pickup at the time and we were running a few errands. We were on the highway and it was late. Those rural roads don’t have street lamps like they do around here. It was dark and a deer dashed out onto the road in front of us.
“It made it past us fine, but when it made it to the median, there were cars on the other side and it turned and ran back. Someone behind us hit its flank and I saw it hobble off.”
She stopped to shake her head, looking down at the floor sadly.
“I’ll never forget what I saw that night. It was so close to me, I could see its eyes clearly as it ran in front of the truck. It was afraid, Silas. Afraid for its life. Fear, panic, dread, every so-called human emotion, I saw it in its eyes that night. I cried when I watched it get hit. Did it live? Did it hurt? Did it have a family?”
She sighed heavily, wiping away a bit of moisture in her eyes.
“It made me realize that my life isn’t more or less important than any other life. We all have souls and we’re all equal. I could never live with myself knowing I’d caused another creature that pain, especially for something as trivial as dinner.”
I had a feeling I was the only one she’d ever shared that story with and I fucking drank that shit down. I wanted all of her firsts—all of them.
And today, I wanted even more from her.
And I wanted to see if she would give it to me.
“I guess that’s it for today,” she said in that small voice of hers as she closed the calculus book. “How do you feel about Monday’s test?”
“Fine,” I said nonchalantly. I made my way over to the sitting area and groaned as I stretched out on the couch. She knew the pattern by now. We finished studying, I laid down and hit her with a question as she curled in on herself on the opposite sofa, trying to take up as little room in the universe as possible.
It was a fool’s errand. Her attitude was the size of a star and twice as hot. It just needed the right prodding to really get going.
She looked at me apprehensively and I fixed her with my go-to smile.
“Don’t do that,” she said, before I could ask my question.
“Do what?” I asked with furrowed brows.
“That fake smile thing you do with everyone else. Don’t do it with me. I hate it.”
“What fake smile.”
“That fake smile,” she said waving her hands in my face.
“You hate my smile?” I asked.
“No,” she said bitingly. “I don’t hate your smile. I hate your fake smile. The one you plaster on to convince the world you’re happy.”
“Oo, when did you become a therapist?” I mocked. “Can you show me those ink pictures next? Spoiler, they’re all vaginas.”
“Silas!” she huffed.
“Fine. Vulvas. They’re all vulvas.”
“I’m being serious.”
“So was I,” I muttered. “Those pictures alwa
ys give me a semi.”
“You’re impossible,” she sighed with a shake of her head.
I turned onto my side and tucked my arm beneath my head. “You know when I don’t smile?”
She gave me a look that told me she knew I was going to say something dirty. I guess she knew me by now.
“I don’t smile when I—”
“When you fuck, right? That’s what you’re going to say, hm?” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up into the air.
I widened my eyes in feigned shock. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” I teased. “No—I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say I don’t smile when I shower. And if you’d like proof, you’re more than welcome to join me. But I’m glad to know where your mind is. Do the ink pictures look like cocks to you?”
The blush that rose up on her pale skin was vibrant and I laughed at how uncomfortable she was.
“Just, nevermind,” she sighed in defeat. “Just ask me your question for the day.”
I turned to look at her and did her the favor of dropping my smile. “Where is your father?”
Her pale lavender eyes widened as she looked at me. I wondered if she’d refuse to answer, but after several silent moments, she sighed. “I don’t know. It’s always just been me and my mom.” She shrugged. “She doesn’t talk much about him. I think he ran out on her when I was born.” I could tell this was a difficult subject for her to talk about. I could also tell that she blamed herself for her father’s disappearance, if not completely, at least a little.
“What a dick,” I replied, trying and failing to lighten the mood. I don’t know why I thought her answer wouldn’t be sad. Maybe I knew it would be and I just wanted someone else to feel the pain I felt about my own parents.
“Yeah,” she replied slowly. “You’re lucky to have both parents in your life, Silas. I know they seem to travel a lot, but at least you’ve got both of them.”
I shook my head. I hated talking about my parents, but for some reason, I really wanted to be honest with Sky about them. “My father’s a shitbag and my mother is dying. If that’s luck, then I hope I never win the lottery.”
I tried not to meet her gaze, but she had other ideas. She ventured over to my side of the sofa and pushed my legs aside, making room for herself. “Tell me about your mother,” she said quietly.
“She grew up in Italy and came over to the States when she married my father. Still don’t understand how that happened exactly.” Skyler listened quietly as I poured my soul out to her about my mother. “She used to have bright blonde hair and brown eyes like me. And she’s still got her accent. Confuses the words kitchen with chicken something fierce, but fuck if I don’t love her more for it.”
Her hand was on mine now. I hadn’t even realized when that had happened, but I didn’t make a move to change it. The small bit of warmth felt nice.
“She sounds lovely,” Skyler said quietly.
I nodded. “She is.”
“Why is she sick?” she ventured to ask.
“She’s got Huntington’s disease,” I explained. “It’s a genetic disorder that basically melts your brain. She has these episodes right now where she completely forgets where she is, who she is, and how to do things. They’re getting more and more frequent and she’s losing motor control, so they checked her into the hospital so they can monitor her.” I pursed my lips in disgust. “Also, so my father doesn’t have to be bothered with her when he’s home for the two days out of every month he’s not god-only-knows-where on business.”
“Can you visit her?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I try and go every day. I usually leave once we finish up.”
“Oh,” she said, pulling her hand back and stumbling to her feet. “Silas, I’m so sorry. You should go.”
I sat up and the next words tumbled out of my mouth. “Would you come with me?”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I think she’d really like you. She doesn’t think I run with a good crowd.”
“She’s right about that,” Skyler said with a small laugh.
“Maybe if I could convince her we were friends, she’d be a little less worried.”
“You shouldn’t lie to your mother, Silas,” she replied.
“Who said I’d be lying? Come on, let’s go,” I said, not giving her a chance to respond.
“She’s not having the best day today, Silas,” the nurse explained as we tried to sign in as visitors. “Maybe you should come back tomorrow?”
I shook my head. The woman behind the counter couldn’t understand. Good days, bad days, it didn’t matter. I had a limited number of days left with my mother, period. I couldn’t afford to be choosey. “It’s fine,” was all I said.
The nurse heaved a heavy sigh before nodding her head. “Okay. Go on back.”
Sky and I walked through the fluorescent hallways to my mother’s room. As I pressed open the door, I could hear her mumbling from her bed in Italian. The nurse had been right, today was a bad day.
“Ciao, mama,” I said, trying to ease her into the present gently. “It’s me, Silas.” I approached her and Skyler stayed a bit behind me. I beckoned for her to come closer. “I brought a friend with me.”
My mother’s tired brown eyes looked at us both and she just shook her head in confusion. I could see it on her face, she didn’t know who I was and my heart cracked a little bit more.
“Mi dispiace, ma tu chi sei?”
Skyler looked at me for translation. “She’s apologizing and asking who we are,” I explained.
I’d learned the hard way not to tell her I was her son when she was having a memory lapse. It only confused and upset her more.
“It’s your brother, Giovanni,” I replied, plastering a smile on my face. “And you remember your friend, Lucia,” I said, gesturing to Skyler. My mother gripped my fingers tight and pressed a kiss to my hand, repeating her brother’s name a few times before falling asleep.
It’d been a long time since my mother had a day this bad and my throat felt like it’d been glued shut. I tried to swallow but everything in my stomach felt like it wanted to violently expel itself. I stood there frozen, looking at the shell of a woman who’d given birth to me, who had loved me, who had been the only person who’d ever been truly there for me, become someone I didn’t recognize.
Tears leaked down my face and I flinched as a warm hand wrapped around mine. I looked down to see who it was connected to and Skyler was giving me a sympathetic look. It wasn’t pitying or sad. It was somehow knowing. “Come on. We should let her rest,” she said, tugging me gently away from my mother’s bedside.
I nodded and leaned down to press a soft kiss to my mother’s forehead and whispered “Il mio cuore é solo tuo,” before we made our way out of the hospital.
Skyler didn’t let go of my hand the entire time.
We rode in silence and it gave my mind plenty of time to wallow in my mother’s condition. I knew I was being a dick, but it was the best defense I had against feeling the overwhelming fear and sadness that were sitting in the pit of my stomach. The longer we didn’t speak, the more embarrassed I became about the entire situation. I suddenly hated the fact that Skyler had seen my mother and me in such a vulnerable place.
What if she tried to exploit it?
What if she told people about it at school?
My father didn’t want anyone knowing that my mother was sick.
“Turn right up here,” Skyler said, pointing to the road that led to our school.
“Why?”
“I want to show you something,” she replied, not giving anything away.
“I’m really not interested in going to the school right now, Skyler,” I bit back.
“We’re not going to the school,” she said, ignoring my sour attitude. “Promise.”
I groaned dramatically. “Fine.” I made the turn and she directed me to the furthest parking lot in the back. I followed her begrudgingly as she walked behind the school and into th
e line of trees that served as a buffer. “Where are we going?” I complained.
“I found this place during a lunch break,” she explained. “I thought you might like it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Hard pass.” It was a Friday evening and at the moment, the only thing I wanted to do was go back to my house and throw the loudest party possible.
“Please?” Her eyes were nothing but kind and I suddenly hated them.
I hated that I was going to drive her back to a home with a mother who remembered who she was. I hated that she had someone in the world that loved her and wasn’t slated to die in the next three to six months. I hated that she played the part of the victim, just because she couldn’t get a fucking sun tan.
“You know what? No. Get in the car or get left behind,” I snapped and turned on my heel to walk back to my BMW. I buckled my seatbelt and she just stood there, staring at me like I’d let her down.
I hated it.
I hated the way she looked at me.
I hated the world and everyone in it.
But at the moment, I especially hated her.
I switched my phone on and texted Garrett. “Party at my place. ASAP.”
His response pinged back almost immediately. “Bout fucking time.”
I looked up and she still hadn’t moved. I turned the car on and drove off, leaving her standing there, alone. Being alone was my everyday reality and for some reason, I wanted her to feel it.
* * *
The cold seeped up from the pavement, through the thin soles of my worn Sketchers until it found its way into my cold center, freezing me from the outside in just a little bit more. I watched as the white BMW made its way out of the school parking lot, leaving me behind in a wake of exhaust and disbelief.
I should never have gone to that first party.
I should never have agreed to this arrangement.
And I should never have opened myself up to Silas—not even a little bit.
I knew it the moment I’d looked into those deep brown eyes of his. He was the physical embodiment of my microwave dinners. Devoid of nourishment with edges that burned my tongue and frozen insides. His smile hid heartbreak and bad news all wrapped up into one.