“Seems like it would be worth it,” Zeva observed.
“Would it?” Bluebonnet asked. “This is a system of checks and balances. He’ll get his. He’ll learn his lessons. We just won’t get to see it. Inflicting harm on him isn’t really helping Zuri or anyone else. It’s just letting us see his comeuppance and, while delightful, it’s completely selfish.”
“Ugh. Fine,” Zeva said.
“See? Look. You were just offered the opportunity to keep making the right choices. To keep living your ethos. You chose correctly. So did we,” Petty said.
“I see what you did there.” Zeva shook her head. “Can’t say I like it, but I see.”
“This is why we meddle,” Jonquil said.
“I think I need more sugar,” Zeva said.
“Much more sugar will be consumed before this day is through, you can count on that.” Petty perked and scratched the back of her neck. “My FG senses are tingling. Something’s happened.”
Zeva looked around the room. “Something . . . at the castle?”
“I think so. Good call. You’re learning,” Bluebonnet encouraged.
“We’d better go see what happened this time,” Jonquil said with a sigh.
“Wanna try out your fairy dust, Zeva?” Petty asked.
“What if I blast us into Paraguay?”
“Eh. I haven’t been recently. It’ll be fine,” Petty reassured her.
Zeva wiggled her nose, and with a burst of green fairy dust, everyone but Petty disappeared.
Petty looked around to make sure no one was looking, or listening. Then she muttered, “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
Chapter 21
When Phillip emerged from the fountain, he’d hoped against hope that Zuri would be there waiting for him, but she wasn’t.
Instead, Esmerelda sat with her feet swinging in the fountain, and she used her wings to prop herself upright while she sang a little song of death and dismemberment.
He could smell the faint stench of char.
She turned her head as he dressed, and when he was done, she said, “My mistress would like to see you at Castle Blackheart, if you’re available.”
It was almost as if this were fate herself telling him what he had to do.
Except it went against everything in him. Every cell in his body rebelled at what he was about to do, but he didn’t have any other choice, did he?
“First of all, why do you smell like a bag of burned garlic and kitty litter?”
Esmerelda snorted. “Some Prince Charming you are. A gentleman wouldn’t mention it.”
“A lady would’ve taken a shower.”
She gasped. “So rude.”
“But really. That stench is awful. Are you okay?” he asked.
“At least you’re concerned for my welfare. I had a small disagreement with that awful Bronx.”
“Seems like it was slightly more than small?”
“Fine.” She splashed her feet some more. “He said some not so nice things about my mother and then my sister, and I kicked his ass for it. In the scuffle, we might’ve started a tiny fire. In the ballroom.”
“What?” he demanded. “Oh no. I have to get to the castle and make sure everything’s okay. You didn’t totally trash the set up for the Markhoff wedding, did you? Zuri is going to be out of her mind.”
“Oh, yes. Zuri did lose her mind. She’s rather upset with both of us. So is Hansel. But Bronx started it. Little shit.”
“Is she okay?”
“You don’t have time for that. Mistress needs you now.”
Phillip considered. Would it really be wise to ignore Ravenna’s summons if he wanted a favor from her?
“Truthfully, I need to know that Zuri is okay.”
“Yes, the godmothers showed up to help. She’s fine. Frustrated and ready to pluck all the fur from my body, but she’s okay. Are you satisfied?”
“If I find out you’ve been untruthful, I will be very upset,” he warned.
“I don’t lie. Contrary to popular belief. Everyone thinks the worst of me because I’m Ravenna’s familiar. She doesn’t lie, either. The truth is a much better and sharper weapon than any lie. Obviously.” Esmerelda rolled her eyes. “So are you coming, or what?”
“Yes, I’m coming.”
Although, Phillip wanted to be back at the castle with Zuri. Every step he took toward Ravenna and away from Zuri was physically painful, but still he followed the flying fox up the trail to Castle Blackheart, and its mistress, Ravenna.
He found her just inside the great room, pacing.
“Thank the dark powers you’re here!” she cried.
He looked around the room, waiting for the crowd to emerge, for this to be some kind of a joke. Phillip had never seen Ravenna like this.
She was chewing her fingernails, her dress was . . . well, it was still magnificent. It lifted everything to its best advantage and clung in all the right places. Only, her dark lipstick was smeared and her hair was in matted tangles.
Someone had definitely tampered with the Evil Queen, and he didn’t know how to process it.
He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to comfort her, offer to get his shining armor, or what exactly she wanted from him.
“What do you know?” she demanded.
He wondered if she might’ve inhaled one too many of her own potions. “About what?”
“Your castle did this to me. You must know.”
“Did what? Ravenna, I don’t understand.”
“I have been locked in your dirty dungeon for over twenty-four hours.”
“Why?”
“That’s what I’m asking you. It’s your castle, isn’t it? I came to talk to you about this curse thing, and one minute I was knocking on the door, and the next I was on the Slip ’N Slide to hell.”
“I’m Prince Charming, remember? I don’t do that.”
“Your castle does. It locked me in a sex dungeon with your castle beast.”
“Whoa, whoa. Calm down. Castle beast? You did not just call Hunter my castle beast.”
“I did! That’s what he is. He kept me in that dungeon and ravaged me.” She blushed. “I mean, he asked permission. But the castle wasn’t going to let us out until we did. All manner of sex toys appeared and disappeared like your castle was caught in some sort of magic porn loop.”
Phillip coughed and tried not to laugh. Hunter, for all his beastly appearance was a good man, and a gentleman. He tried to imagine his friend being bombarded with sex toys while with the object of his affection. Well, not object. Ravenna wasn’t an object. But . . .
“You think it’s funny? You try it,” she snapped.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
She stopped pacing and chewing on her nails to look at him. “No. I’m fine. Just, terrified. I can’t have this. I really can’t.”
“Can’t have what? Being locked in the castle for twenty-four hours? I understand. That’s awful, and I’m so sorry. I’ll have to reiterate with the castle that guests’ desires are to be fulfilled by verbal request and not . . . that.”
“Desires? Are you implying that I wanted to be locked in with him?”
“No. I’m saying that you did want him, and he wanted you. The castle responds to desire.” He shrugged. “As long as you weren’t hurt—”
“But I could’ve been hurt. I could be hurt!”
Phillip didn’t understand what she meant. He could see her being angry about the castle trapping them together, but being hurt? He didn’t see . . . oh. She meant emotionally.
“Do you have feelings for Hunter?”
“No. I mean . . . not that kind. Well, that kind, but not that kind.”
“You are making zero sense, Ravenna.”
“He was a good time in the sack, and I’d like to do it again, which is why I can’t. Get it?”
Surprisingly, he did. “Oh. Yes, I understand very well.”
She sighed. “I don’t usually say things like this, but I am sorry you understand. All of this wi
th the feelings. It’s completely unreasonable. I don’t like it.”
“It’s not so bad,” he reassured her.
“Even when it sucks? Because it’s bound to suck, right?”
“Not always. But yeah, the bad comes with the good. The good is worth it, though.” It really was. Even though he had to say goodbye to Zuri, and the very idea of letting her go made him miserable, he still wouldn’t trade the time he had gotten with her.
“You have to say that. You’re Prince Charming. It’s your job.”
“Kind of. But I don’t get my Happily Ever After, either, it seems.”
“What?” she shrieked.
He held up his hands. “Whoa, I didn’t realize my Happily Ever After was important to you.”
“Don’t be stupid. It’s important to everyone. If you don’t get yours, how will anyone, ever? You kind of wrote the book, you know what I mean?”
He shrugged. “This time isn’t like the stories. It’s all shit.”
“Tell me.”
“If I must,” he sighed.
“You definitely must. This is unacceptable.”
“You weren’t this upset when we came to you for help with the curse.”
“Things were different then. I thought you’d have figured out who the bride was. It obviously wasn’t me. Evil Queens don’t get the pretty weddings at the white castle.”
He took her hand. “Why don’t they? The fairy godmothers are always saying that love is for everyone. Why isn’t it for you?”
“You’re not going to turn this around on me. I’ve had enough of that today, thank you very much. Just tell me what happened to you.”
“Fine. I’m in love with Zuri,” he began.
Then, the Ravenna he knew was back. “Well, obviously. Let’s move on to new territory.”
“She kissed me. It was supposed to be True Love’s Kiss, and I’m still a frog.”
“That’s impossible.”
“Obviously not,” he tossed her own sarcasm back at her.
“Oh, right. Sorry.” She let go of his hand and began pacing again. “Something is wrong in Ever After. We have to fix it. I don’t know what or how, but everything is coming unraveled.”
“That’s exactly what the godmothers said would happen when I told them I’d been to see you.”
“Old bats,” Ravenna murmured, but there was affection in her voice. Whether she knew that’s what it was or not.
“I don’t know who else the bride could be in your vision if not you. Who else would Esmerelda want to escort down the aisle?”
“I absolutely cannot imagine.” Ravenna worried her bottom lip between her teeth for a long moment. “Well, it seems we’re both in a bind. I say we dare Ever After to fix its shit.”
“How would we do that?”
“We should go ahead and get married.”
“What? Why?”
“Don’t you want to, dummy? To break your curse? If you really think that’s me in the vision?”
“I mean, yes. That was my plan. To come here and beg and plead with you to marry me, but why would you want to?”
“Obviously to close the door on Hunter and any romantic ideas he has about me. The only way to do that is to marry his best friend.”
“Holy shit, you’re diabolical.”
“Only when I have to be. I already tried a potion. I blew an ardor cooling powder right in both of our faces to fix our problem and nothing. It didn’t work. That’s never happened to me before. Ever. My magic always works as I intend.”
“I’ll be honest, Ravenna. This seems like our only out, but it feels so wrong.”
“I know, but I don’t see how we have any other choice.”
She was right. This was what he’d intended to come here to do, to convince her to marry him. But she didn’t want to marry him. He didn’t want to marry her.
Moreover, he didn’t want to be a frog.
And she didn’t want Hunter to break her heart.
What a fine mess they’d made of things.
Just like what Petty had told him would happen.
Rude of her to be right.
“Are you going to ask her, or what?” Esmerelda chirped.
“Mind your business,” Ravenna snapped back.
“Just trying to help,” Esmerelda said.
“I think you’ve helped enough today,” Phillip advised her.
“What did you do?” Ravenna turned to look at the shrinking Esmerelda.
“Nothing, really. I mean, I helped rescue you.” She kicked her foot.
“Why do you smell like you’ve been flying through smoke?” Ravenna narrowed her eyes.
“Apparently, a certain cardinal told her that her mother or her sister or something had rabies and those were fighting words. There’s been a fire at the castle. I haven’t been to inspect the damage yet.”
“Oh, by the darkness!” she swore. “I suppose since my familiar made the mess, I should see what’s needed to clean it up. Or offer a favor to whoever did clean it up.”
“The godmothers handled it. I think,” Esmerelda said. “I’m sorry, but he just infuriated me.”
Ravenna sighed and scratched Esmerelda behind the ears. “It’s okay, my love. I understand. Bronx can be such a little fucker sometimes. He thinks he knows everything. And he thinks that accent is cute, but it’s not.”
Esmerelda nodded and leaned into her mistress’s caress.
“Did you bite his head?”
“I did. I ate him, but Hansel made me spit him out. I almost had him down my throat, too.”
“Oh, that’s a good girl. Maybe he’ll think twice about saying nasty things about your dear mama,” Ravenna cooed to her.
“Hate him,” she grumbled.
“I know. It’s okay. Why don’t you go get some strawberries from the kitchen and curl up in your den?”
Esmerelda flew off in search of her treats.
“I didn’t know she swallowed him whole.”
“Eh, she spit him back out. That’s what matters, right?” She flashed a wicked smile. “But she was right. We should make a choice.”
“Are you sure this is what you want to do? You could always see where this goes with Hunter.”
“I’m insulted you would say such a thing. He’s wonderful. He’s kind. That’s not for me, Charming. You should know that by now.”
Phillip couldn’t help but laugh. “So what does that say about me? You think I’m some kind of asshole?”
“I know you used to be, but no, you’re all that rot, too. But you’re not interested in me. We could have a lovely arranged marriage based on mutual goals. Me, not getting my dark little heart broken, and you not staying a frog for eternity. We wouldn’t even have to cohabitate or really deal with each other except for royal functions. Ever After doesn’t do many of those anymore anyway.”
“Okay, Ravenna. I know you have your own reasons, but thanks for helping me.”
She studied him for a long moment. “You’re welcome.”
“So, uh, you wanna get married?”
“That is the worst proposal I think I’ve ever heard.”
“At least I didn’t text it to you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Charming. I’ll marry you.”
Then they looked at each other, each obviously wondering just what they’d agreed to.
“What’s next?” he ventured.
“I suppose we have to tell the world about our decision.”
“And start planning the wedding.”
“Do you need to tell Zuri before we make an official announcement?” she asked.
“Yes, I’d like to speak with her before we make it public. Although, she does know it’s coming. I wouldn’t do this behind her back.”
“Good. I don’t want to hurt her. She seems like she’s already been through enough.” She narrowed her eyes. “And not because I’m going soft or anything, but because she’s a woman. We women have to stick together.”
He held up his hands.
“Hey, no judgment from me. Hunter is expecting it, too. But I still want to tell him as well.”
“Thank the dark gods you’re going to do it, because I just can’t.”
“I know. Think of it as my wedding gift.”
“Whatever shall I get you?” Ravenna asked.
“I don’t know. You’ll figure it out, I’m sure.”
“The godmothers are the only planning game in town, but since your Zuri is working with them . . .”
“We’ll talk to them and figure it out.”
“Oh, that’s going to be fun,” Ravenna said in a dark tone.
“Basically like everything about this wedding.”
“Except for the part where we break your curse.”
Although, Phillip wondered if it was worth it.
He could have another eternity of living the way he had before Zuri, or he could spend the few days he had left with Zuri and cram as much love and living into those days as was possible.
“Already having second thoughts?” Ravenna asked.
“Honestly? Yes. I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better to just spend the time I have left with her instead of trading her for an eternity of nothing.”
“You already know what I’d choose, but you’re not me.” She shrugged. “Just promise me, if you change your mind, you’ll tell me.”
“Of course. We’re friends now, right? Friends don’t do that to each other.”
“Why do you do-gooders always want to be friends?” Ravenna sighed heavily. “Fine. Ugh. I guess we’re friends. I guess that means we have to play board games or something.”
“Is that an invitation?”
“I suppose. I have Pretty Princess, Dungeons and Inquisitions, and Cards Against Fairy Tales.”
“If you also have a good bourbon, I’m down for Pretty Princess.”
“Fair warning. I always win.”
“Only because you always play with Esmerelda. She lets you win.”
“Nobody lets me win. I win because I’m ruthless.”
“Is it any fun to win that way?”
“Of course. Why else would I keep doing it?”
The idea of winning brought his thoughts back to Zuri. He wanted to see her. Touch her. But if he did, he knew he wouldn’t go through with this farce of a wedding. Phillip wasn’t sure he wanted to win. He needed to know that winning was the right thing to do.
Men Are Frogs Page 21