Men Are Frogs

by Saranna Dewylde

  “Where are you going to go? Tell me your plans. Zeva is going to be at FGA, you’re going to be out in the world without your family.”

  “I . . . hadn’t gotten that far yet. I only just decided I’m leaving. I haven’t told the godmothers yet. I told Rosebud and Gwen. You should know I met Hunter. We all went axe throwing and got shit-faced. It was a good time.”

  “Hunter is great. I’m so glad you got to meet him.”

  “Gwen suggested he and I hook up to get over our broken hearts.” She didn’t know why she’d said it. Maybe it was to hurt him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that. It was funny when Gwen said it because you should’ve seen Hunter and me look at each other and turn up our noses.”

  “If you and Hunter could be happy together, I wouldn’t begrudge you. It’d be no less than what I deserve, honestly.”

  “Why do you think that? You talked to us both before you made this choice. You’ve been completely honest. It’s not like you betrayed either one of us.”

  “I feel like I did.”

  Zuri closed her eyes and took a deep breath to steel herself for the words that were going to be so hard to say even though she meant them. “I’ve decided what I want in trade for letting you see me off.”

  “I can already tell I’m not going to like it.”

  “Well, that’s my price, so you’re either going to have to agree or suck it up.”

  “Zuri, you know I’ll give you anything you ask of me.”

  “Anything?” she asked softly.

  “Anything.”

  “Then I want you to try to find some happiness in your arrangement with Ravenna. Try to help her find her happiness the way you did with me.” Tears threatened, but she stuffed them down. She could have them later, when he couldn’t see.

  “Jesus, Zuri. I know why it didn’t work.”

  “What? You better explain yourself quickly, because I’m about to kick you in the shins.”

  He sighed, long and deep. “Oh, baby. It’s not because you’re not enough. It’s because I’m not. I don’t deserve you. Or your love.”

  “Shut up. That’s trash. Yes, you do. We deserve to be happy. Both of us.”

  “You’re not getting out of telling me your plans, you know.”

  “I told you, I didn’t quite have any plans.”

  “I don’t like you being out in the world without Zeva.” He looked away. “Or me.”

  “I’ll be just fine.”

  “Financially, are you okay?”

  “If I said I wasn’t, what would you do? Throw your money at me? Which I definitely would not take. I don’t want your money.”

  “It would make me feel better to know you had it.”

  “I’m fine. I don’t need it.”

  “Would you take a credit card, just in case of emergencies?”

  “Phillip.”

  “Zuri.”

  “Do you even have a credit card that works out in the real world? I mean, you’re a fairy-tale prince, can you really have a good credit score?”

  He snorted. “Of course I have a good credit score. I wouldn’t be a fairy-tale prince with bad credit, now would I?”

  “Maybe. Money isn’t everything.” She lifted her chin.

  “No, it’s not everything. But I’d rather cry in my castle than . . .” He trailed off.

  “Than in a fountain?”

  “That’s not fair,” he whispered.

  “You’re right. It’s not. I’m sorry. It just . . . you know how when the banter gets started I just say whatever pops into my head. Today, it was that.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “Take the card to make it up to me.”

  “And what, your wife will be okay with you paying my bills like I’m your mistress? Is that what you’re trying to do because that’s . . .” She sagged. “God, I wish that’s who we were.”

  “I already thought about that. Believe me. But I knew that wasn’t who you were or who I want to be. Not that Ravenna would even care. She likes you, you know. She wanted to make sure we weren’t doing anything behind your back.”

  “I don’t have the gifts that my sister has, but I can see Ravenna. She doesn’t have a black heart at all. She only wishes she did. Her heart is like a pearl, encased in all that darkness.”

  “Made just like a pearl, too. Something got inside and irritated her,” he said.

  She couldn’t help but laugh again.

  “So the card?”

  “Phillip, I have my own good credit score. Plus, I don’t trust myself. What if I decide to go on a shopping spree to mend my broken heart? Or what if I want to go to Monaco?”

  “I hear that Ransom and Lucky are still in Monaco. You could visit them.”

  “I just said I was going to spend all your money and you don’t care?” she teased.

  It was easier to pretend this was just a game. It was easier to fall into the cliché of telling him she’d max out his credit card to make him pay for her broken heart. It was easier to pretend that after this wedding, and after she left Ever After, she had a plan for the healing she talked about.

  If she were the strong woman she wanted to be, she’d already have a plan for putting her life back together like Jenn. She wouldn’t need to go bury herself somewhere and hermit.

  Of course, if she was going to bury herself somewhere, it wouldn’t hurt to not have to worry about dipping into her savings.

  “I don’t give a shit,” he said. “Even if you never use it. Even if you tuck it away in a vault somewhere and never look at it again. It would be nice to know in an emergency, I could still help you. Or treat you to a spa day.”

  “And if I did that, how would I ever forget you?”

  “Another gut shot.” He shook his head. “Can you say you’ll ever forget me? Do you want to forget me?” he rushed on. “I will never forget you.”

  “You’re the worst. This romance crap sucks.” She sniffed back tears. “You are not allowed to keep being romantic after we’re broken up.”

  “I’m Prince Charming, baby. That’s just how I’m wired.”

  “Maybe you could go back to being a philandering jerk?”

  “Don’t tempt me. I want to kiss you right now more than anything else in the world.”

  “Anything?” She almost asked him if he wanted it more than he didn’t want to be a frog, but that was unfair, and it would sound like she was asking him to pick her instead of his own life. That wasn’t something she wanted him to choose.

  Sure, she wanted the validation that he loved her more than anything, but the fallout wasn’t worth the price. She’d rather know that he was himself, and hopefully finding some measure of happiness because she would try her very best to do the same.

  “Anything,” he said, taking her chin with his thumb and tilting her face up to his. “Ask me for what you want from me.”

  Zuri shook her head slowly. “No. Because it’s not fair to any one of us.”

  “A woman of her convictions to the bitter end. It’s part of why I love you, Zuri. Part of why I will always love you.”

  She grabbed his hands. “Don’t let this be the bitter end. It doesn’t have to be. You promised you’d try to be happy. I know it seems impossible now, but we weren’t meant to live in a constant state of sorrow. I believe that with every fiber of my being.”

  “Is that what you’re going to do?”

  “I’m going to try my damnedest.”

  He kissed the inside of her wrist. “All right. I’ll try. Don’t forget your promise.”

  “I won’t,” she said on a shaky breath.

  When he was gone, she turned and walked up the stairs to her bedroom loft and stared longingly at the lavender creation on the dress form in the corner.

  Even though her heart was breaking, she’d pack that dress away, and someday, she’d wear it. Someday, she’d be happy again.

  Someday, when she thought of Phillip Charming, her heart wouldn’t shatter in a million pieces.

  Cha
pter 25

  Phillip Charming never said he’d sleep on a problem.

  He frogged on it.

  While he thought that terminology sounded incredibly stupid, it was what he’d been left with. He didn’t sleep, really. He was a man, he was a frog. He figured that he slept as a frog. Sometimes he had vague memories of napping on a fat lily pad in the sun, and those memories were foggy and strange. Albeit, nice.

  After he’d left Zuri’s, he realized he wanted her to tell him no. He wanted her to tell him not to marry Ravenna.

  As if she would ever do such a thing.

  Zuri was the most selfless person he knew. She’d never ask him to give up his humanity just for one more night with her.

  Except that’s what he’d wanted her to do.

  He didn’t understand why.

  So he’d frogged on it.

  When the sun set and he crawled, wet and sad from the fountain, he knew why. It was because he was scared. He was scared to lose himself.

  But he was smacked in the face, or perhaps it was a lily pad, with the realization that marrying Ravenna just to hold on to his human form was also losing himself. He was trading everything he knew to be good and right to hold on to something that was no longer meant for him.

  He didn’t want the rest of eternity without Zuri.

  And it wasn’t that he longed for oblivion or anything of that nature. It was completely the opposite. Phillip hadn’t really known what it was like to live the life he’d been given until Zuri. If she left him of her own accord, that was a different matter entirely.

  But he wasn’t leaving him.

  He’d chosen to leave her because he was scared.

  He could have one more night with the woman he loved beyond all reason, or forever without her.

  When he took into account that forever without her also meant that she’d think she wasn’t enough, that his beautiful, powerful, vibrant, and absolutely vital Zuri would think any less of herself, he just couldn’t do it.

  He knew what he had to do.

  Phillip was afraid of what was to come, he was honest with himself about that. But he was more afraid of forever without her.

  Especially since there was no guarantee that marrying Ravenna was going to work. He was operating under the assumption that it would, but even then, this wasn’t right.

  It wasn’t what a man in love would do.

  It definitely wasn’t what Prince Charming would do.

  A voice startled him. “Figured it out, have you?”

  He looked up to see Hunter standing there picking his teeth with a chicken bone. Wait, was it a chicken bone? He hadn’t seen Bronx in some time.

  “Uh . . . so I know you and Esmerelda have gotten to be friends. That’s not someone we know, is it?” he asked.

  Hunter stopped what he was doing and looked at the tiny bone, and then laughed a deep, belly-shaking laugh. “No, but I have been terrorizing him just a little bit.”

  “Hasn’t he been terrorized enough?”

  “Not yet. Did you know, a few weeks ago, he would show up outside her den and sing at the top of his lungs in the middle of the day while she was trying to sleep?”

  “What a little shit. What is his problem?”

  Hunter shrugged. “I think he likes her, but he has to learn that we do not express affection by hurting creatures.”

  Phillip realized that held true for himself as well. “You got me there.”

  “Uh-huh,” Hunter said. “So, like I asked. You figure it out? Frog on it long enough?”

  “Yeah, I’m a dumbass.”

  “No argument from me there,” Hunter said.

  “You should know, it was Ravenna who proposed to me. Sort of. You scared the shit out of her.”

  “I scared her? You have to be kidding me. She could smite me into a dung beetle. She has nothing to fear.”

  “Now who’s being a dumbass?”

  Hunter looked around and then pointed at himself. “Me? What are you talking about?”

  “Never mind. Anyway, I need to go talk to her. Call off the madness.”

  “Good plan.”

  “Can I tell you something?”

  “I’d hope so. I’m supposed to be your best friend. But after you befouled the mineral baths, I haven’t heard much from you.”

  “Shut your muzzle. We’ve both been busy. I hear you went out drinking with my true love.”

  “I hear you’re going to marry mine.”

  They looked at each other and laughed.

  “Zuri thinks you’re pretty great. She told me Gwen suggested you guys go out.”

  “The matchmaking in this town is ridiculous. I thought maybe when everyone had other people to worry about they’d leave us locals alone. I was so wrong. It’s even worse.”

  “Meddling godmothers.” Phillip shook his head.

  “So you were going to bare your soul?” Hunter teased.

  “Yeah, kinda.”

  “Oh, shit. Okay. Sorry. Go on.” Hunter motioned with his hand for him to continue.

  “I’m scared, Hunter.”

  “I think that’s a completely reasonable reaction to the choice you have to make.”

  “I don’t want to be a frog. I’m not going to know who I am. I’m not going to remember you. Or the last time I get to spend with Zuri.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “You just did.”

  “Okay, smarty breeches. Why do you think that Happily Ever After isn’t for you? I mean, I know why Ravenna thinks it’s not. I know why I thought it wasn’t, but why can’t this work out?”

  Phillip gestured to the space around them. “Have you been paying attention?”

  “I have. Have you?”

  “This is not helping.”

  Hunter snuffled. “The Enchanted Forest for the trees, my friend.”

  “After I go talk to Ravenna, you want to hang out? Watch some stupid comedies from the eighties and eat popcorn?”

  “Police Academy, bro.” Hunter nodded. “I’ll be waiting.”

  “Oh, and Hunter?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I haven’t said this as often as I should’ve. Thanks for being here when I need you.”

  “That’s why they give me the best-friend cape.” He wrapped the red cape around himself and bowed with a flourish.

  “I thought that was your adventuring-through-the-forest cape?”

  “It does double duty,” he said. “See you back at the castle, my friend. This’ll all work out, you’ll see.”

  “When did you get to be such an optimist?”

  “I don’t know. Since I realized we’re all magic and this is completely ridiculous, so anything has to be possible?” He shrugged and meandered back through the underbrush toward the castle.

  And Phillip, he began the trek through the woods toward Ravenna’s.

  Esmerelda met him halfway. “Hey, is Hunter coming later?”

  “I don’t think so. We’ve got a guys’ night planned.”

  “Your bachelor party? Can I come? I promise I won’t be a party pooper,” Esmerelda asked.

  “No, it’s not like that. We’re just going to eat popcorn, drink mead, and watch some old movies.”

  “That’s rather boring, but I should’ve expected it. Goody Two-Hessians. So boring.”

  “I haven’t worn my Hessians in a century. What are you talking about?”

  Esmerelda tittered. “I need to do something nice for Hunter. Did he tell you about that Bronx?

  “He did. I don’t know what Bronx’s problem is, but apparently, he’s been in his nest for some time. He won’t come out. He’s binge-watching all those fashion and makeover shows.”

  Esmerelda seemed pleased with herself. “Good. Maybe he’ll leave me alone, now.”

  “One would hope.”

  “So, Hunter. What’s nice that I could do for him?”

  “He just likes to help. He’s that kind of guy.” Phillip walked along. “Maybe a bottle of mead? After the cherry
incident at the godmothers’, the brothers are trying a batch of cherry mead. That would be a nice gift.”

  “Good plan. Thanks, Charming.”

  “Anytime, love.”

  “You’re awfully cheerful for having just broken your own heart. This doesn’t bode well,” Esmerelda noticed.

  “You are correct.”

  “Oh,” Esmerelda said. “She’s going to be disappointed, but this isn’t unexpected. She told me to hold off on talking to Grammy to officiate.”

  “Don’t tell your mistress I said so, but she’s a better person than she knows.”

  Esmerelda tittered. “Oh, she’d be so mad to hear you say so. But if we’re being honest, I’ve known it for years. She takes too good care of me to be a bad person. She never asks me to do anything I disagree with on moral grounds, and she buys me toys and gives me all the fresh fruit I want. And ear scratches. She lets me sit in her lap as long as I want, even when she has to work on a new potion or on the accounting at the bank.”

  “She loves you.”

  “She told me she loved me once. In 1982. She was stoned. But I knew she meant it just the same.”

  They arrived at the door, and Esmerelda let him inside.

  “Wait here. I’ll tell her you’ve arrived.”

  He waited for Ravenna and tried to plan out what he was going to say. He’d meant to do that on the walk up there, but he’d been so engaged with Esmerelda, he hadn’t had a moment.

  Phillip knew this wouldn’t hurt her feelings in a romantic way, but he wanted to preserve the new level of friendship they’d found. It was honest and good. He liked Ravenna. He didn’t want her to think he’d chosen being a frog over marrying her.

  He’d chosen being a frog over losing Zuri.

  Ravenna glided into the room wearing a dress of black velvet and lace and looking every inch an Evil Queen. He thought that about her frequently, and he admired the effort she expended keeping up appearances.

  Not that Ravenna wouldn’t be evil as shit if crossed, but there was more to her than that.

  It took her one second to ascertain the situation, and she gave him a sad sort of half smile.

  “I see,” she said, and her tone wasn’t unkind.

  He wouldn’t go so far to say it was kind, but there was no rancor, no anger. No bitterness or even sadness. Yet, it was still gentle.