Big Girl Pill

by K D Williamson

  Now on I-26 East, she rolled up her windows and increased her speed to sixty-five. She tuned the radio to one of the local stations that played everything and turned it up loud, tapping her steering wheel to the rhythm of the song as she drove past fields peppered with long grass and colorful wildflowers. None of it was enough to keep her from thinking about Nina. She could tell she’d hurt Nina’s feelings by the tone in her voice, but why should she feel guilty? She’d been sleeping like the dead and wasn’t fully functional. Shit happens.

  The song changed and she stared out the windshield. What did Nina expect, exactly? For some switch to get turned on and things would be like they were before? Parts of that bridge had been burned and then flooded. It was still passable in some spots, but Maya needed to keep something between them so the fire wouldn’t start again.

  The phone calls over the past couple years had been bearable. The handful of lunches she had agreed to, not so much. Adding Drew to the mix made things torturous. He wasn’t a bad guy, but knowing he was with Nina just tore at her heart, no matter how interesting he might be. Clean-cut and seemingly harmless, but he led Nina around by the nose. And even though Drew wasn’t going to be there, Maya still dreaded the upcoming lunch on Wednesday. At least Rachel was going to be around to provide a buffer. She was brash and blunt, which was the exact opposite of Nina. It wasn’t that long ago that Nina was ready for whatever shit Maya could drag her into, but that part of her had been sucked out not too long after graduation. Regardless, they’d made some good memories. Too bad it was so hard trying to reconstruct their bond.

  From the beginning, their friendship should have been unlikely. They were both from different backgrounds. Maya had teased Nina about the stick up her ass, but also told her there was something about her, something worth getting to know in hopes they could be friends.

  And Nina seemed to think so, too, because she kept hanging out and got into all kinds of shit with her. The first time they smoked weed had been hilarious. Nina had laughed so hard she practically cried. Eventually, the stick up her ass seemed to disappear, and their friendship got stronger. And then everything changed.

  She had come to some unavoidable realizations about her feelings. At some point, during all the crazy things they’d done, all the conversations they’d had, all the time they’d spent together, Maya had started to care more than she should have. She’d become a walking, talking lesbian cliché—she’d fallen for a straight woman, and when the opportunity presented itself after a few drinks, she had used sex to show Nina how she felt because she couldn’t find the words.

  Too bad it had ruined everything. Nina got up the next morning convinced that women weren’t for her and that her curiosity had been satisfied. She’d also added a few other choice words that stung like fuck. It had been really hard to reconcile that person with the one who’d been clawing at her shoulders and begging for more a few hours before.

  Maya’s cell rang, ripping her from her college days. She glanced at the dashboard to see who was calling and frowned. What the hell did Ryan want? Usually her boss only checked in on certain days. She answered through the car’s Bluetooth. “I hope you have some good news for me.”

  He chuckled. “I do, at least eighty percent of the time.”

  “Well, I just left Ace thirty minutes ago, so just be real with me.”

  “It’s your first job in the region—”

  “That’s my point.”

  “If you’d let me finish,” Ryan said.

  “Okay, go ahead.”

  “I know this may be presumptuous, but if you keep getting reviews like this, I want you to think about taking more jobs in the area. The VP called me personally. She was skeptical about Family Feud being a team-building exercise, but of course it worked and she’s singing your praises.”

  They talked until she pulled in behind T’s Honda Fit and when she hung up, she sat for a bit, grinning. Another great review, with a request to do another training in the future. She got out and grabbed all her stuff and went inside, where she set the bag from Well Bred Bakery on the counter.

  “T?” She waited for a few seconds then paused at the stairs and called out again. He didn’t answer. As she went down into the basement, an unmistakable odor tickled her nose. Ironic, given her thoughts earlier. She sighed and hesitated. Maybe he wasn’t alone.

  She opened the door anyway, and as she descended, the smell of weed got stronger, along with the sounds of guns and explosions. She glared at him as she stepped onto the hardwood floor. T’s smile was slow and wide. He brought a black, boxy portable vaporizer to his lips and a few seconds later, his whole head was hidden by an impressive plume of smoke. She probably needed to look into getting one of those instead of doing things the old-fashioned way.

  When the area cleared, she couldn’t tell if T was looking at her, through her, or at the TV. Hell, maybe he had fallen asleep. His eyelids were that low.

  “What?” he asked.

  Maya glanced over her shoulder. Was he talking to her? Or did he have an invisible friend? T always got the best shit. “I didn’t say anything.”

  His mouth opened first, then sound came out. “Oh.”

  She threw herself on the plush leather couch and put her feet up beside his on the coffee table. T had paused the screen and suddenly movement started again. He put the vaporizer in her lap. “Want some? It’s Blue Dream.”

  Definitely the good shit.

  He put his headphones back on instead of waiting for an answer. He really didn’t need one and she took a hit. Ten minutes later, she split her attention between the TV and her brother.

  They were both fascinating.

  For the life of her, she couldn’t tell if he was talking to her or the person in the headphones.

  “He’s behind you, bitch.”

  Maya swung her head around as fast as she could but no one was there. She laughed at that and at the fact that the headphones T had on made his already big melon head look even bigger.

  Wait. Since they were related, did that mean her head was like that, too, and she’d never noticed? She placed her hands to the front and back of her head. Carefully, she maintained the measurements and tried to apply them to T. She covered his face with her hand.

  “What the fuck?” He tried to shake her off.

  That was enough to send her into fits of laughter again and T took off his headphones and joined her.

  Her stomach growled. “I got eclairs in the kitchen.”

  “Not going up till the stairs stop moving. You go ahead, though.”

  She glanced toward the area in question. They weren’t moving but they did have a shimmer.

  T snorted. “I got microwave popcorn, Cheetos, and pizza rolls. You know, the usual.”

  She stood slowly. It took her a minute, but she was able to wrangle a bag of popcorn out of the wrapper. She put it in the microwave and pressed the button. No beep. No light or anything. “T?”

  He didn’t answer. He had put his headphones back on. She threw a box of pizza rolls at his head, but they sailed past him. It was enough to get his attention.

  “What?”

  She almost looked behind her again until she remembered he was talking to her. “The microwave is broken.”

  “Make sure it’s plugged in.”

  Maya stared at him. “Where?”

  T stared back. “In the wall. Are you high?”

  They looked at each other for a beat and then dissolved into laughter.

  Finally, she got the microwave plugged in, and while the popcorn was doing its thing, she scored a Dr. Pepper from T’s fridge. Once the popcorn was done, she joined him on the couch and munched away, watching the screen as he played.

  “Oh, shit.” He threw himself back onto the couch. “Didn’t see that coming.”

  She took a long pull of Dr. Pepper and pushed a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

  “Imma make sure I have some of the Blue Dream on hand on Nina’s wedding day. You won’t give any
fucks,” he said.

  Maya stopped mid-chew. Was he trying to ruin her high? At the moment, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, weighing her down. “No.”

  “Maya, c’mon—”

  “No.” She reached for the vaporizer sitting between them. They still had a little time before Winston got home.

  “Fine, but hold on. I probably need to reload it.”

  “Okay. I gotta pee.” She got up and left him to deal with the vaporizer. In the bathroom, she set her phone on the sink and stared at it while she peed. She picked it back up and called Nina.

  “Maya?” Nina sounded surprised. She could tell that much even with the noise in the background.

  “Am I interrupting something?”

  “We’re at Urban Burrito. Can I call you later?”

  We. Always with the we. “Yeah, later.” She hung up. It must have been the weed that made her do something so stupid. Was there a term for calling someone when you were high? High-calling? Weed-calling?

  Maybe vaping more wasn’t the best idea. She washed her hands and swore under her breath. On the flip side, if she had more, she wouldn’t give a shit about the call, or the past, or the fucking future. She dried her hands off and went back to the couch, ready to stop caring.

  Chapter 4

  Maya pushed Captain Crunch down into the milk at the bottom of her bowl with her spoon before she took a huge bite. She glanced up as Winston walked in. After putting her breakfast on the counter, she reached for one of the empty coffee cups stacked by the coffee maker and poured him a cup, then prepared it the way he liked it and handed it to him.

  “Morning, and thanks for the Crunch Berries. I can’t stomach that peanut butter crap T eats.”

  “It’s still Captain Crunch,” Winston said as he took his first sip of coffee.

  “I know that.” She shuffled over and sat down at the table.

  “I’m glad. Now, what else do you know?” He looked at her. Winston’s gaze was direct, penetrating.

  She stifled a groan. These early morning conversations were the norm when she visited, and with Winston’s work schedule, it was their only time to play catch-up. It was still too damn early for him to be this somber, but it had been a while since they’d talked seriously. God, that look he was shooting her used to be truth serum when she was younger. “Not much at the moment,” she said.

  The sound he made was as if his chest was rumbling.

  Knowing there was probably a shitload to come, she waited.

  “Is working with companies here interesting enough for you to think about taking other jobs in western North Carolina?”

  The question hung in the air for a few seconds as she thought about how to best answer it. “I’ve only worked with one company. I haven’t formed an opinion yet.”

  “Too bad. It would be good to have you around more.”

  She ate a couple more spoonfuls of cereal before responding. “I wouldn’t really be here as much as you think. The bulk of my time would be spent driving. That would probably get old fast. And it’s not like I don’t wanna be here. I mean, I visit as much as I can.”

  “It’s been three months.”

  Only because Nina’s texts and phone calls had increased the closer the wedding got. Maya had made as many excuses as she could to avoid talking to her and she answered her as much as possible via the Internet.

  She focused on her cereal, which was almost gone. There were a couple of soggy bits still floating, a sad commentary on Maya herself. The world was the pink-tinged milk and she was getting soggy as fuck from wading around in it. She almost laughed at the image.

  She wanted to tell him everything, but couldn’t and she hated feeling weak. This was Winston, the strongest person Maya knew. “Sorry. It doesn’t have anything to do with you or T, but you could have come to visit, too.”

  “I did.”

  “That one time when you helped me move.”

  “Uh-huh, well with my schedule I barely have time to take a shit.” He set his mug on the counter. “Still, I was thinking that if you build a client base, you could move back and not worry about the extra travelling. This house is yours, too, for as long as you want it to be.”

  She stifled a sigh. According to him, this visiting thing was all on her. She wasn’t sure if that really was the case. “Sounds like you got this all planned out.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, you know me.”

  “I do. You’re the only person I know who puts spices in alphabetical order.”

  “Makes things easier.”

  “Not if I’m trying to get the paprika. I pretty much have to pull everything else out.”

  “Don’t use paprika, then.”

  “It’s not the same,” Maya muttered, though the conversation had already derailed.

  “I just wanna know if you’re tired of running yet.”

  Fuck. Maya stared at him while he picked up his cup and drank, looking at her over the rim, just like he did the first morning she was home. She took a breath and opened her mouth to give her standard response.

  “And don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about,” Winston said.

  Fuck again. She looked away.

  “I might not know the reason. You’ve never talked to me about really personal stuff, but I remember during your senior year, your plan was to do the outdoor facilitation thing right here in the mountains. You had plenty of job offers. Next thing I know, you flipped the script and ended up in Tennessee.”

  “Why are we having this conversation right now?”

  “Your friend is getting married.”

  “So? What the hell does that have to do with anything?” She stood and jerked her bowl off the table, nearly sending milk all over the place.

  “I know you’re still young, but don’t you wanna put down some roots? At home with your family is the best place to start.”

  She put the dish in the sink and ran water in it as she carefully planned her answer. “That’s a little hypocritical, don’t you think? Where are your roots?”

  “With you and T. Look, don’t misunderstand me here. I just want you to do your thing. Not half-ass it, and it would be great to have you around again.”

  “What about you?” She tried to shift the focus to him.

  “What about me?”

  “You’re almost thirty-five. All you do is work, especially now that you’re the site manager.”

  “I’m where I wanna be and doing what I wanna do.”

  “No woman to speak of, no kids.” Maya continued to dig in.

  “Really?” Winston shook his head and chuckled. “Smooth, trying to turn this back on me. Whatever’s going on with you must be something.”

  “Yeah, yeah. When you start fertilizing your roots, maybe I’ll think about planting my tree.”

  Winston huffed then he laughed. “How the fuck did you do that?”

  Maya shrugged and smiled, remembering how her mother could talk their father into or out of just about anything. “Nature or nurture. Not sure which.”

  “If you say so.”

  “I say so. Is T still here?”

  “Nope. He got pissed at me and left early.”

  “About what?” Maya leaned back against the counter.

  “I got on his ass last night about getting lit in the basement.”

  “From Monday?”

  Winston pursed his lips and scowled. “And late last night. Were you a part of his little party?”

  Maya shrugged. “On Monday, yeah.”

  He sighed heavily.

  “It’s just a little weed. No big deal.” Maya looked heavenward.

  “It is when he’s doing it a lot more than he used to. He’s gone from a couple times a month to two or three times a week.”

  Maya didn’t know what to say to that. “Oh.” Concern poked her in the stomach.

  “Yeah. Something’s going on with him, and he’ll talk to you way before he’ll say anything to me.”

  “Have you asked? Or did
you do the guilt thing you just tried to do to me?”

  His eyes narrowed.

  “Guilt thing, then?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Mm-hmm to you, too. And now I’m going to work. If you can, please talk to him.” He patted her arm as he walked by and she grabbed the cereal box off the counter to put it away.

  “Maya?”

  “What?” She glanced over her shoulder at him.

  “I’m not the robot you think I am.”

  “What does that mean?”

  He shrugged. “Hopefully, I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Yeah.” She went back to the table and sat down. Today had started just fucking great. And in a few hours, she’d have to deal with lunch with Nina and Rachel and discussions about the upcoming wedding. Now she had to add T to the ever-growing ball of stress that was rolling from one shoulder to the next. Forget Morgan Freeman for her internal narrative voice. Samuel L. Jackson—that was the voice she needed. He had been one of her father’s favorite actors, and right now, he could personify her frustration. Not many people could say the word “fuck” with such gravitas. Added bonus, thinking of him made her feel closer to her dad.

  She put the cereal away and went to get ready for the day, hoping she could at least contain the ever-growing lump of anxiety in her chest.

  **

  Nina waded through the throngs of people to get to the baggage claim in Asheville Regional Airport.

  Her irritation went from mild to moderate as yet another person bumped into her without saying excuse me or even looking back. This part of the day had been a bust, but there was light at the end of this tunnel—a Rachel-sized light. That’s why Nina hadn’t hesitated to take the day off. No matter how much she loved teaching, today was going to be all about her. Nina was excited, and as she waited, the thought of seeing Rachel filled her with a sense of relief and anticipation.