Big Girl Pill

by K D Williamson

  Maya pushed back from the table with enough force to make their dishes move. She stood abruptly, her gaze everywhere except where Nina needed it to be. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”

  Nina got up and grabbed her arm. “No. You know we have to.” People stared at them, but she didn’t care. “Please.”

  Their gazes met and Nina couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so scared and small.

  “Please,” she repeated.

  Maya pulled her arm away, then sat back down. So did Nina, and they were quiet, surrounded by the sound of espresso machines, coffee grinders, and the low murmur of other people’s conversations.

  “Would it have made a difference?” Maya asked after a while, expression stony.

  She thought about it for a few moments. “I was such a different person then, but I’d like to think it would have. I’d also like to think that if I’d known, I would never have let things go that far.” There was more Nina wanted to add but she wasn’t sure what words to use.

  “I probably still would’ve felt that way.”

  “And I would have been honest with you, even though I was scared. I liked what happened that night. I liked it a lot. Sex with the other girl didn’t even compare and I thought it meant that I was a lesbian or bi. I don’t think I’m either.” She still didn’t, since she had Drew now. What she felt then was incidental. It had to be, and she hadn’t experienced the pull toward another woman since. “It wasn’t you I was lashing out at. It was me.”

  Maya’s gaze bore into her. For a second, there was heat and something else Nina couldn’t identify. Then, it was gone as Maya looked away. “Does Drew know about us? About any of it?”

  “No. I’m sure I don’t know every little detail about him,” she added, as if that would somehow justify that she hadn’t told him. “Besides, this was—is—about us. It has nothing to do with him.”

  “Makes sense, I guess, but why does talking about this matter now? I mean, what you said wrecked me. Do you get that?” Maya narrowed her eyes.

  Nina swallowed. “I know I hurt you, badly.”

  “No, it goes deeper than that. Maybe I should have told you at the time, but I’m telling you now. I felt like I was nothing. I wasn’t your friend because you don’t say that kind of shit to people you care about. And the fact that I’m a lesbian? That disgusted you, too. I didn’t know who to be. I thought my eyes were at least halfway open going in, but I was wrong. That’s on me. The rest, though—”

  “Was on me,” Nina said, her voice thick. She accepted that responsibility, as hard as it was hearing how much Maya had felt.

  “Yeah, it was.” Maya looked away and back again. “It was hard to be anywhere near you for a while, but I powered through somehow. It still hurts sometimes, but I’m here.”

  Nina didn’t want to interrupt. Maya deserved her say, but as the seconds ticked by, she took the lull as an opening. She chose her words carefully, understanding that they mattered. “Thank you for not disappearing. Hindsight being what it is, I probably deserved it. You were not an experiment. I know you must have felt like one. I thought—”

  “It was what you wanted,” Maya said.

  “But it wasn’t.”

  “I get that. You’re not a malicious person and I do forgive you. I had to do that for myself, but sometimes it’s hard to forget.”

  “And I get that,” Nina said.

  “I’m trying.” Maya’s expression softened.

  Relief, or something like it, filled Nina. “Me, too. I want to clear the air and put the past behind us. Even though things were strained, like I said, I’m thankful you made an effort to put up with me after everything that happened. I know it’s gonna take some time, but my life’s coming together the way it should. I want you to be part of it.”

  “You want your friend back,” Maya said quietly.

  “Yes. Don’t you? I mean, people like you just don’t pop out of the woodwork. You’re important to me. We’re important to me.” She reached across the table, offering her hand.

  Maya’s gaze went from her face to her hand and back again. She inched her own hand forward until they touched, then closed her eyes, and Nina held her breath, wondering at the spark the touch seemed to generate. When Maya opened her eyes again, she pulled away. “Look, I’m here, but I don’t know. Maybe too much has...I need some time. Okay?”

  That was something. She could work with that. She had to. “Okay.” She set her hands in her lap, Maya’s touch imprinted on her skin.

  “Thanks.” Maya stood again. “Take that cookie home. It’s just as good now as it was when we got here.”

  She smiled. “I will. Thanks for meeting me.”

  “Yeah. Later.” She held her gaze for a moment, then walked away. Nina watched her until the door closed behind her, and then she wrapped the cookie in a couple of napkins and sat for a while, giving Maya time to leave the parking lot without seeing her again.

  Something had shifted. Maybe they really could heal this rift, and maybe they’d eventually be as close as they were in college.

  And then she remembered she still had to deal with Drew. She sighed, but even that didn’t put out the little flame of hope that had sparked when Maya agreed to meet her. She’d hold on to that as long as she could.

  **

  Maya tossed back another shot of Malibu Black rum. Unfortunately, the room had yet to start spinning. At least she was experiencing a damn good buzz. One more before she got her dance on. The music was loud and the bass was deep enough to feel in her bones. She needed this. Maybe for a few hours, she wouldn’t be confused or conflicted. For a few hours, she wouldn’t be so focused on what Nina’s skin felt like or those three words, “I liked it.”

  Before she could motion for another drink, the bartender slid a shot glass in front of her, then motioned for her to lean forward, so she did.

  “It’s from the blonde to your right. She’s waving at you.” She pointed and Maya followed the gesture. She stared, shocked, but maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising. She grabbed her drink and made her way to where Rachel sat.

  After wiggling in between the bar stools, she dipped her head. “Thanks for the drink.”

  Rachel grinned. Her gaze traveled down Maya’s body and back up again. “You’re very welcome.” She wrapped her hand around Maya’s forearm and pulled her closer. “Let’s go outside or something. I hate having to yell.”

  Maya slammed her drink, then set the empty glass on the bar. She followed Rachel outside, where the music was muffled and a small crowd of people smoked. Rachel walked away from the smokers and sat on a nearby bench. Maya moved quickly to catch up, but she didn’t take the seat beside her and instead remained standing.

  “Okay. So, what’s the deal? Did you talk to Nina? Did she send you here?”

  Rachel huffed. “Are you drunk? You don’t look it, but that’s gotta be the stupidest thing I’ve heard so far tonight. But it’s only eight, so there’s plenty of time left.”

  “So that’s a no, then?” Okay, she might actually be a little drunk.

  “I haven’t seen her since this morning. Why? Does she have something to tell me?” Rachel’s smile widened. “Is it juicy?”

  “Juicy? Does anybody say that anymore?” Maya sat down next to her.

  “I just did. Guess I’m a trendsetter.” Rachel scooted over and looked her up and down again.

  “Will you stop that?”

  “What?”

  “Looking at me.”

  “Would you like me to close my eyes?” she teased.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “You look good, by the way,” she said, adding to Maya’s discomfort.

  “Thanks.”

  “You don’t think I do?” She sounded more amused than hurt.

  “I suppose.”

  “Mmm, we should totally be fucking right now, just for old time’s sake.”

  “Jesus. Are you serious?”

  “You know, to get it out of our system
s.”

  “We only had sex once. You’re not in my system.”

  Rachel laughed, then shrugged. “It was worth a try.” She paused. “Let me guess. You’d rather be fucking someone a little taller and a little blonder than me.”

  “What are you even talking about?” But heat gathered at her collar.

  “I figured you had a thing for her back in college, but wasn’t sure how you felt about her these days. Now I do.”

  “Whatever.” She shrugged, and she really didn’t want to hear whatever else Rachel had to say, but for the life of her, she couldn’t bring herself to leave.

  “I actually feel kind of stupid that I didn’t put it all together sooner. Not that I’m complaining, but we’d only met a couple times before I came to visit Nina, so I was surprised when you started coming on to me. But I’m blonde and related to the woman you really wanted.”

  She cringed. “It sounds shitty when you say it like that.”

  “Well, I got off, so there was a happy ending.”

  “Jesus, really?” She shot her a glare.

  Rachel waved the comment away. “Anyway, Nina said the two of you used to be inseparable. After she graduated, we got closer and it was just what I needed. I think it was probably the same for her, and it’s great that we reconnected. But she never stopped talking about you, even though it was old stuff. Even when you visited, she didn’t really have anything new to tell. I just put two and two together after that. Plus, Nina finally spilled her guts.” She shimmied from side to side, expression smug. “So, did you kiss and make up? Was that what Nina was supposed to tell me?”

  “She’s getting married, remember? But she wants us to be friends again.”

  Her smile disappeared. “Which sucks. And I could be wrong about this, but maybe Nina’s not as straight as she thinks she is.” She gave her a look. “So, what are you gonna do?”

  Maya chose to ignore Rachel’s statement about Nina’s sexual orientation. “Don’t know. Try to be her friend, I guess. The way I see it, being at her wedding will help me put a cap on things.” If she said it enough, maybe she could convince herself.

  Rachel shook her head. “That’s the second stupidest thing you’ve said tonight. Are you into the whole masochistic thing? If that’s the case, I’ll just beat the shit out of you and call it a day.”

  She laughed.

  Rachel’s expression became calculating. “We’re really not gonna fuck, are we?”

  “Nope.”

  “Dammit. We’re going to be friends instead.” Maya laughed again.

  Rachel sighed and stood. “Go on, chuckle it up. I’m going back in. I don’t plan on leaving here empty-handed.”

  “Me, either.” Maya got up, too.

  “Wait—what did you say?”

  “I said me—”

  “I heard you. Okay, I think I just changed my mind. I don’t want to go back in.”

  Maya looked down and frowned as Rachel took her hand.

  “C’mon. Let’s close out and go to Rocky’s. I’m craving mac and cheese. That shit will fix everything.”

  Not everything. Not a broken heart. But Maya appreciated the gesture.

  “I’ll even pay for the Uber, since you seem a little on the buzzed side.”

  “Fine.” She followed her back into the bar to pay her tab and wait on Uber. For some reason, as she settled in for the ride, she was glad she had left. But, damn, she still couldn’t shake how Nina’s hand had felt, however briefly, in hers

  Chapter 6

  Since Rachel was using her office/second bedroom for the time being, Nina sat at her kitchen table with two stacks of paper, one bigger than the other. She eyed the difference in relief. Once she finished grading, the weekend would be completely hers. She pulled the next test from the shorter stack, red pen poised, but this was Allie’s paper. She probably wouldn’t need it.

  “Hey, there you are. I wasn’t sure if you’d gone back to sleep or if you were talking to Rachel.”

  She hadn’t heard Drew come in. She gave him a quick smile and went back to work.

  “I was gonna make some iced tea. Not the green kind. I think all you have is orange pekotie. You want?”

  “Pekoe.” Nina pressed her fingers against her right temple.

  “That’s what I said.”

  “Mmm,” was her only response.

  “Is that a yes or no?”

  “It’s a not right now.”

  “Okay. So, what are you doing?” Drew walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. He massaged them, a familiar gesture.

  “Grading tests.”

  “If you have the answer key, I’ll do it. You should be concentrating on the wedding stuff you have lined up today.”

  That was sweet of him. Today was, in fact, her final dress-fitting.

  He grabbed her hand and squeezed as he sat down.

  Nina squeezed right back. “Thanks.”

  “Not a problem.” Drew pulled her closer and gave her a quick kiss.

  Things had settled between them, which wasn’t unusual because they almost never argued. She could count the times on one hand. The lack of conflict no doubt made the most recent issue easier to deal with. He apologized and she agreed to do the same. Nina stood. “You still want iced tea? I’ll make it since you’re doing my grading.”

  “No, changed my mind. Make it iced coffee.”

  They both looked up as Rachel shuffled in. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. One side of her hair was flat while the other stood up, as if someone had plugged her into an electric socket. Nina snorted at the message printed all over Rachel’s sleep shorts. Got me? I’ll do your body good.

  “Make the hot coffee first, please,” Rachel asked. “Nice and strong.”

  “The machine can do both,” Nina informed her as she fixed a fresh pot of coffee.

  “Yeah, whatever.” She plopped down onto a chair at the other end of the table, away from Drew. A few seconds later she was up again and opening the refrigerator.

  “I got an email a little while ago,” Drew said and Rachel looked over at him. “People at school don’t really know yet, but Belva Chase is retiring, so her spot on the teachers’ committee is up for grabs.”

  “Belva? God, that’s a fucking tragic name.” Rachel yawned and returned to staring into the fridge.

  Nina bit her lip to keep from smiling because she agreed.

  Drew gawked at her but he looked away as soon as Rachel turned around.

  “And?” Nina leaned against the counter and waited.

  “You should apply. It would be a good opportunity and put you in better standing at the school and show your commitment.”

  “I thought I was supposed to be concentrating on the wedding stuff I have planned today.”

  Rachel hummed as she cracked eggs into a bowl and Nina shot her a look, but she really did seem engrossed in cooking rather than trying to annoy Drew.

  “I’m thinking about the future, so it factors in.”

  The thought of being ostracized in an even smaller group didn’t sit well with her. “I’m not sure that’s something I want to do, but I’ll think about it.”

  “Okay.” He let the word hang there for a second. “But you don’t have a lot of time. Once people find out, the committee will get a ton of applications. If you get yours in early, I’m sure I can pull some strings. It would be great to have you around.”

  She bit back her initial retort, that she didn’t want him to pull any more strings. She crossed her arms. “Will it help them keep me in mind if a position opens up in kindergarten or first grade?” She knew the answer to the question, but asked it, anyway.

  He grimaced. “I don’t see that happening any time soon.”

  “I don’t see what the point in applying is, then.”

  “Your mother thinks it’s a great idea,” Drew said. There was an edge in his voice.

  There it was. Nina sucked in a breath, and Rachel stopped beating eggs. Their gazes met. Rachel’s eyes narrow
ed, and she jerked her head slightly in Drew’s direction. Nina knew silent encouragement when she saw it, and if she didn’t say anything, Rachel most definitely would.

  “I’m just going to fill out the application so you can be first, and if you decide not to do it, you can withdraw later. But I know you’ll make the right choice,” he said, sounding a little flustered.

  “No, I don’t think—”

  “Just give it a shot.” Drew smiled at her, and it came off as condescending.

  “The answer is still no.”

  Rachel sighed and addressed him. “Do you have a different understanding of ‘no’ than the rest of the world or something?”

  Nina took Rachel’s hand. “Don’t…” She didn’t know what to say.

  “Don’t what?” Rachel asked. “‘Don’t rock the boat?’ Or maybe ‘Let it go?’ How about ‘It’s not a big deal?’ It’s not—”

  “I was just trying to help.” Drew’s smile was gone, and his voice wavered slightly.

  “So was I.” Rachel pulled her hand away from Nina and went back to her eggs. “Did you eat yet?” she asked her. “Lots of pepper and cheese, right?”

  Nina nodded, but a second later she found her voice. “No, I haven’t, and yes.”

  Rachel smiled at her and Nina smiled in return, relieved and reaffirmed.

  Drew’s expression was cold and unreadable. He looked away and pulled a paper from the short stack.

  “What time is your mom coming?” Rachel asked.

  “A couple hours. Why?”

  “I’ll be gone by then. I don’t think I can be as diplomatic with her, and I don’t want to make things hard for you. I’ll try to avoid it as long as possible, but you know how she is.” Rachel opened one of the lower cabinets and pulled out a skillet.

  “Wait. You’re not riding with us?”

  “No. I’ll Uber over to Maya’s as soon as I get situated, and we’ll meet you there.” She turned on the stove and put butter in the skillet.

  Nina’s response got stuck in her throat as soon as she heard Maya’s name. They’d talked some since meeting on Wednesday, but not much. Nina had encouraged herself to be satisfied with the progress. However, Maya and Rachel apparently had been speaking a lot more. Something clenched inside her and then retreated. Nina got Rachel a mug out of the overhead cabinet. “Oh. That’s a surprise, but it’s probably a good idea.”