Big Girl Pill

by K D Williamson

  Nina didn’t ring the doorbell. She used her key instead. Until her mother told her otherwise, she wasn’t just a visitor here. She marched in with her head held high, and found Sarah in the living room talking on the phone. Her eyes widened.

  “Nadine, I’m going to have to call you back. Bye, now.” She set her phone onto the coffee table and stood and even though she was home alone, she was dressed like she was going out, in a cream-colored dress that hugged her slim curves, revealed her toned calves, and tastefully covered most of her body.

  They stared at each other for a moment and Sarah spoke first.

  “Since I’m assuming you’ve blocked my number, it’s good to know you remember where I live.” She put her hands on her hips and glared.

  Brutal honesty was needed here. Nina couldn’t beat around the bush or sound wishy-washy. Not with her mother. “I thought about blocking you, but it seemed disrespectful, even with the way you’ve been blowing up my phone. I told you we’d talk when I was ready.”

  Sarah’s lips pursed, but otherwise, she didn’t move. “You need to re-evaluate your idea of disrespectful. I’m sure ignoring me is at the top of the list.”

  “I guess it depends how you look at it, but I considered the time necessary to work out everything that was going on in my head.”

  “Yes, and by all means the world should stop just because you want to get off.”

  God, she knew that tone. All her life, she’d been belittled by it. “It’s my world, so, yes, it should.” Each word she spoke further emboldened her.

  “Did Rachel put you up to all this? You don’t even sound like yourself.”

  “I’m me, Mom. Finally, it’s really me. So, yes, Drew and I are over. End of story.”

  “That’s ridiculous. He was perfect for you. Drew understood that you needed someone to take the reins at times and help you make the right choices for yourself. He didn’t mind your chubbiness and he tolerated the people you chose to spend time with.”

  Nina balled her hands into tight fists.

  Sarah continued her diatribe. “It could be years before—”

  “Sit down, Mom,” she said, tone icy.

  “Who do you think—”

  “Sit down. Now.” Nina didn’t yell, but her tone was firmer than it had been a few seconds before. Dear God, it felt good.

  Sarah blinked and her expression darkened, but she did as Nina said and sat back down on the couch.

  “I’ve given you the courtesy of listening to you, and now you’re going to do the same for me,” Nina said.

  Silence stretched between them, until Nina decided to break it. “That’s what you’ve always thought of me, isn’t it? The fat girl who needs to be led around by the nose.”

  “Do you have to be so dramatic? There’s so much of your father in you.” She said it with distaste.

  “I agree, especially since we both eventually came to our senses.” It was a low blow, but anything Nina said in anger for the next few minutes, in her opinion, was totally justified.

  “Don’t you talk to me that way.” Her voice shook.

  “Then stop treating me like I’m an idiot. I’m not fat and I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Part of this whole situation is my fault and I accept responsibility for letting it happen.” She stopped and searched for the right words. She wanted them to have an impact. “You and Drew had this idea of me and I let both of you shape and pour me into it because I thought that was who I needed to be. But you were both wrong, and I was, too. I like pepper on my eggs, I hate orange juice, calories are tasty. And I’m smart, and funny, and I have my own mind.”

  Sarah gracefully pushed herself up from the couch. Her eyes narrowed and her lips thinned. “Rachel did put you up to this. Is she out in the car? Waiting to make an entrance?”

  “This is me, Mom,” Nina repeated. “This is all me. So. Sit. Back. Down.” She enunciated each word and they fell like hammer blows.

  Her mother’s eyes glittered with defiance, but she acquiesced.

  “You’re a strong-willed woman,” Nina said. “That’s common knowledge, and whether you intended to or not, you raised one, too. It’s just taken me some time to realize it.”

  Sarah looked away, and Nina wondered if her mother was proud, wary, regretful, or a combination of all three. “Despite all that, you need to find a new way to talk to me. I won’t be insulted or belittled anymore.”

  “I’ve never—”

  “It’s time for truth, Mom. For as long as I can remember, almost every single word out of your mouth toward me has been a put-down. Even though I got used to them, they were still hurtful. I’ve never hurt you intentionally. So, stop hurting me. I won’t put up with it anymore.”

  Nina’s additional comments were met with silence, but she didn’t consider that a bad thing. Maybe her mother was actually listening. Nina put her hands on the back of the loveseat. The fabric was soft, cool against her fingertips. It grounded her further. “Since you brought up Rachel, she’s your niece and you treat her like a stranger. Worse than a stranger, really. I know you think you need to keep up appearances for the church and your social circles, but are you a real homophobe or just a convenient one? I mean, her mother—your sister— is dead. She hardly has any family besides us.”

  “I really don’t have to answer that. In fact, I think this conversation needs to end.” She crossed her legs and then uncrossed them a second later.

  “No, we’re not done yet.”

  “Well, I refuse to listen. The way you’re talking to me is what’s wrong with your generation. You have no respect for what’s been given to you.”

  “I can’t speak for my entire generation, but I know where I went wrong. So, I’m trying to fix it. What are you doing?”

  Sarah’s expression hardened. “Rachel deserves whatever I give her. My sister failed with her, so she needs to be treated like what she is, a failure. I don’t want that type of trash attached to me. Our church looks up to me, and so do the women at the club. I won’t become some piece of gossip for them to whisper about. The more you talk, the more pitiful you sound. Is that what you want to be? A nothing? A failure?”

  Nina tried not to let her mother’s words sink in and grab hold of her. Parts of her retreated. After all she’d done, after all she allowed, regret filled her. “I’m not—”

  “You’re not strong. You’re just as weak as your father. I did mold you, and what I taught you is all you know. Accept that. Realize your place. You don’t know how to be anybody else. Right now, you’re playing dress-up.” Sarah smiled and it widened in increments as they continued to gaze at each other.

  Her words stung in the worst way, past bone to the very heart of her. She was somewhat right. Nina had let this happen. She was disgusted with herself and with the woman in front of her.

  “There’s something missing in you,” Nina said, realization sinking in.

  Sarah scoffed.

  Even with all the different emotions bombarding her, Nina straightened up. “I can’t let this happen to me. I deserve more. So does Rachel, and so does Maya. The way you treated her, them—”

  “The black girl?” Sarah’s nose wrinkled in disgust.

  “Woman. She’s a woman,” Nina said in correction. What the hell happened to make her mother this way? “And she’s more than that.”

  “Yes, I suppose.” Sarah shrugged dismissively. “I’m assuming that since Rachel made a point in flaunting her at the dress-fitting that they are together. Don’t people like that travel in packs? It’s ridiculous that you associate yourself with them, especially since it reflects badly on me. She’s black and perverted. Stop wallowing in the gutter. You’ll have to get rid of all that.” Sarah gesticulated like she was swatting at flies. “Drew will listen to me. I can fix this. I can fix you.”

  “No. None of that is going to happen. I don’t need fixing. Do you hear me?” This woman gave birth to her. Her blood flowed through Nina’s veins, but they were like night and day.
Sadness meshed with anger. Nothing Nina had said so far had made a dent and instead, she now knew how truly deep Sarah’s ignorance and intolerance went. She didn’t want to believe that there was no coming back from that. She didn’t want to believe that she would never be accepted and be the type of daughter her mother wanted. She didn’t want to believe that Sarah would never be the mother she wished for, but somehow, she knew that’s probably what would happen. “Why can’t I be enough for you?”

  Sarah’s expression didn’t soften at all.

  “You’re not going to answer me, are you?”

  “Oh, grow up.”

  “Jesus Christ, Mom. What—who are you?”

  “I’m happy to answer that. I’m whoever I need to be to get what I want. It’s worked for forty-six years, and I’m pretty sure it’ll work for thirty more,” she said dismissively.

  There was no hope here. That saddened her even more, but it was laced with pain. She was so very tired of hurting. Her eyes burned but she steeled herself against the tears. “I’m done here.”

  Sarah laughed. “Then you’ll be alone.”

  “What are you since Dad left?”

  Her mother’s face paled and her lips quivered.

  Nina paused. The next words she uttered would truly set her free for the first time, and that’s what she wanted to be despite what it would cost. So, she refused to falter. “I’m not alone. Rachel isn’t with Maya. I am.”

  There it was, the truth. Her truth strung together in a few syllables and as simple as arithmetic. Nina enjoyed the moments of stillness as she waited for the storm to roll in.

  Sarah gasped and pressed a hand against her chest. “W—what? They made you into a les—” She stuttered, unable to get the word out.

  “The word you’re looking for is bisexual, and nobody made me into it. I just am.”

  “This can’t be happening,” she said, stunned. “This can’t be happening.”

  “It is. I don’t know where you and I go from here—”

  “Nowhere. We’re not going anywhere. You will not come to my church this Sunday. I won’t have you poison everyone against me.” She stood, anger blazing from her eyes. “There’s no need to block my number. I’ll make sure to block yours. Give me my house key.”

  Nina wasn’t shocked by her outrage, and most importantly, she wasn’t all that shaken by it. For more than two years, she had been treading water and every once in the while, she had poked her head out to breathe. After everything that had happened the past few weeks, she had pulled herself out of the waves and was on her way to dry land. This? This was just part of everything else. She unhooked the key and Sarah held out her hand. Instead of placing it in her palm, Nina tossed the key onto the coffee table in an act of blatant defiance.

  Without another word, she left. When she got in the car, she forced herself to drive away because she didn’t want her mother to see her crying. She went to a park a few blocks down and sat in her car staring out the windshield, unseeing. Within seconds, the tears finally came. This wasn’t an ugly cry, regardless of the disappointment, the pain, and the residual anger. It was a cleansing one.

  After a few more minutes she wiped her face then called Maya.

  “Hey.” In direct contrast with what Nina had felt in her mother’s house, Maya’s voice filled her with such warmth. “This is gonna be a stupid question, but are you okay?”

  “Yes and no. But I will be.”

  “I know you will.”

  The confidence in Maya’s statement lifted her even more. “Thank you for saying that.”

  “You’re welcome. I believe it, too.”

  “I can feel that.” Nina started her car. “I’m coming over. We’ll talk more then.”

  “Good. See you soon. Bye.”

  Nina hung up and headed for Maya’s, still upset about what had just transpired, but also certain about her future, and about the changes in her life she was initiating. Maya was part of that future, finally.

  Thirty minutes later, Nina hung up with Rachel and parked behind Maya’s CRV. She got out of her car and went to the front door. The last of the daylight was fading, so maybe that’s why the porch light was on. But maybe it was all for her. Seeing the front door open made her move faster. Maya stepped out on the porch. Their gazes met and a few seconds later their bodies did as well. Maya wrapped her in a tight hug and Nina held on. She needed to feel something good, something right. Maya didn’t let go, she just walked them backwards and somehow she was able to close the door. Finally, Nina pulled back enough to look at her. “My mother’s an awful person.” Her voice trembled slightly.

  “Yeah, but you’re not.”

  “Thank God.”

  “Thank something.” She brushed a strand of hair out of Nina’s face. “C’mon.” She stepped away from the embrace but reached out for Nina’s hand. “I’ll fix you a drink.”

  Nina nodded and followed. Every few seconds, Maya turned to look at her. Once in the kitchen, Maya pulled her hand away and motioned for her to sit at the island. “You want something frou-frou or something that’ll put hair on your chest?”

  “What are you having?”

  “Crown and Coke.”

  “I’ll have that.”

  “Coming up.” As she fixed the drinks, she continued to watch Nina.

  “I won’t fall to pieces. I promise.”

  “I caught that, but how are you feeling? For real?”

  Nina took a second to find the words. “Really big and really small at the same time.”

  “That’s gotta suck.” She handed Nina her drink and pulled out the stool across from her.

  “No, over here.” Nina patted the seat beside her.

  As Maya sat down, their knees touched and, with the little bolt of heat that resulted, Nina was convinced that around Maya she’d never be cold and emotionally bereft again. Nina touched her. How could she not? She slid her hand up Maya’s forearm, and goosebumps erupted on her skin. That made Nina smile, too.

  She grinned back. “Fuck dinner. I took one look at you and could tell you need to go have some fun. What do you think?”

  “Drag Queen with a double-headed dong fun?”

  “No,” Maya said with a laugh. “Just trust me. After a couple of drinks, you’ll love it.”

  “I don’t know. I might need more information.”

  “If I give it to you, you’ll turn me down flat. Just trust me.”

  “I do.”

  “Okay, then.” Maya downed the rest of her drink and stood. “It’ll be better if we Uber.” As Maya tried to move past her, Nina grabbed her arm. Their gazes met again and she pulled Maya closer. The initial bolt of heat turned into many more. She leaned forward and their lips met softly. She relished the warmth, the sense of belonging, and the awareness that crackled between them. Momentarily stopping the embrace, Nina whispered, “We can do that now, remember?”

  “I didn’t forget. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you.” Maya kissed her again and stepped between her thighs.

  She wrapped her legs around Maya. Physically, she would have to let her go in a moment, but emotionally, she wanted to be near her for as long as possible.

  “I don’t get it. Why are people always making out in this kitchen?” Terrance asked.

  Nina tried to pull away but Maya held on tight and smiled into the kiss. She made some sort of motion with her hands.

  Terrance snorted. “Good comeback. Fuck you, too.”

  Maya ended the kiss but she stayed close. “You’re just jealous because you haven’t made out in the kitchen.”

  “How do you know?” Terrance glanced at them and then opened the refrigerator.

  “I just know, and besides, you have the basement and your bedroom.”

  “Whatever, you have your own space, too.” His tone was playful.

  “Well…yeah.”

  Nina kissed Maya’s cheek.

  “Uh-huh.” Terrance turned away from them both as he looked through the fridge.

 
; Due to their history, Nina expected some additional snark from him. “So, do you like me now?”

  “Maya looks happy, so I’m a little more invested than I was before.” He glanced at her over his shoulder.

  “I can accept that.” She met his gaze to make sure they understood each other. He nodded in return.

  Maya made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a snicker. “I’ll get the Uber.”

  **

  The bar looked like any other, but it was early yet and there weren’t many people around. Nina spied two women making out at one of the tables. Obviously, this place was gay-friendly and the music was loud but not overbearing. She wouldn’t have to scream to be heard. Maya grabbed her hand and walked them toward the bar. After they sat down, Nina leaned toward her and asked, “What’s so special about this place?”

  “Nothing really except it’s Tuesday.”

  “It is. Right up until midnight.”

  Maya pointed to the stage at the back of the bar. No one was on it, but there was an empty mic stand, drums, and a couple of amplifiers. Then, she gazed up to the banner hanging on the wall above the stage. Karaoke Tuesday.

  “Are you serious?”

  “You want another drink?” Maya smiled.

  “I’m gonna kill you.”

  Maya laughed. “Sure you will. What are you drinking?”

  “You know I can’t sing.”

  “I remember, but I also recall you telling me that when you were up there, you felt like Lady Gaga and it was one of the best times you ever had.”