by Lily Holland
I shake my head to focus my thoughts on something else, but memories of the day fill my brain and I have a hard time letting go of them. He was so near, his face was so close to mine. Was he about to kiss me? And, more important a question, was I about to kiss him back?
I don’t know and the fact that I don’t angers me. Would I have liked it to happen? Probably, otherwise why would I be feeling so hollow inside, like a huge disappointment has befallen me?
And yet it didn’t happen, we were saved any further embarrassment by my mother who is now patting her forehead like my sprained ankle is going to be a life-disturbing event.
“It will be alright, mama. Doctor Forbes said it will be healed in a few weeks, everything will be fine.”
My mother offers me a nod of consent as she twists her hands nervously.
“Of course, Lucy darling, of course. Yet I am anxious to see you fully able to walk and run. How fortunate you were to be with the Duke of Peicester when it happened! Doctor Forbes said his bandage was very precise and helped release a lot of pressure from your foot.”
“Did he now?”
My mother nods but I smile faintly. She will be willing to discuss today’s events again and again, I guess I should be getting used to listening to every detail of my unfortunate situation.
When Mrs. Portman brings in some tea and my father joins us, their main occupation is to discuss my affliction and my mind wanders off.
I shouldn’t be as tolerant as I have been today toward the Duke. He did help me, that I will always be grateful to him for, but he remains a man I dearly hate. What he has done in the past, his intolerable actions cannot be overlooked only because he has been kind and helped me out.
I clear my throat as I ask Mrs. Portman to escort me to my bedroom. Settling over the cushions on my bed, I am free to think in peace.
Yes, I hate him and I would rather not forget it. One act of kindness cannot counterbalance years of pettiness. For him to be nice once in his life will certainly not convince me his character has changed.
No matter what happened and what might have happened, I cannot let my feelings be overcome by one display of gentleness. Otherwise, I would be presenting my heart to some terrible perils.
◆◆◆
The next day we receive an unexpected visit. I work on an embroidery I have been willing to finish for a while and my mother reads a letter she has received from my aunt.
Everything in the house is very calm since my father left for town this morning but both mama and I are happy to remain undisturbed.
When someone knocks on the door and Mrs. Portman announces the Duke of Peicester, I am so surprised I try to stand when he comes in.
I wince and I am forced to sit back down as the bare move of my heel brushing the floor sends a hot pain traveling all over my leg and makes me sick.
“I see you are not confined to your room, Miss Lucy,” he says and bows to my mother before looking back at me.
I smile back but try to reduce it to a bare grin. I don’t want him to believe he is welcome here. He might have helped me but he is still the same man as he was before. And I have to remember that, even if I’m happy he is here, even if his presence in this room is making me happier than I have been for a while.
“Doctor Forbes has forbidden her to walk but she insists on coming to the drawing room.”
He nods before reviewing my figure and turning back to my mother.
“It isn’t wise, but I suppose remaining locked in one’s room can appear very tiresome.”
“As a matter of fact, it is.”
We exchange a smile and my mother offers him some tea he refuses politely.
“Thank you Lady Devinan, but I must refuse. I don’t have much time and I can’t stay for long but I needed to check on Miss Lucy.”
His words seem to float in the air above my head and I don’t know what to answer.
“It is very kind of you, Your Grace,” exclaims my mother in a gentle tone. “Isn’t it Lucy?”
I attach a smile to my face and nod as gracefully as I can.
“Very kind and mostly unnecessary, Your Grace. I am sure you have many things to do that are much more interesting than checking on a poor lady who sprained her ankle.”
Quite unexpectedly, the Duke flushes and I freeze.
“A man must know his priorities, Miss Lucy.”
He locks eyes with me and time stops for a second. He is saying a lot through his kind gaze and I am not certain I want to comprehend it all. I let my eyes fall to the ground and I clear my throat before looking back up.
“Well, then we shouldn’t be keeping you from urgent matters much longer,” I say and he frowns at the coldness of my tone.
Even my mother looks back at me in surprise and cocks an eyebrow. I gather all the composure I can muster and I grin coldly.
When he nods and straightens his shoulders, I know he has understood. I want to congratulate myself on hiding my true feelings well enough to deceive him but something prevents me. The Duke stands, a pleasant smile curling his lips and my heart kicking up its pace as he walks to me. He grabs my hand and bows over it gently and I have a hard time swallowing at the lump that just formed in my throat.
He doesn’t release me right away but holds my palm in his for a few additional seconds as he locks eyes with me.
“I am glad to know you will soon be recovered, Miss Devinan. I believe we can now be certain the next time we will take a stroll in a garden, you will be very careful not to stumble over roots.”
He smiles but it isn’t as much of a polite smile as it is genuine. It lacks all the polished appearance of the smiles he gives when he greets other people and I don’t know what to say. I start smiling before catching a glimpse of his palm on mine and it reminds me of who he really is. I sigh in silence before looking back at him with a coldness that doesn’t reach my heart.
“I do believe it will not happen before a good while. I am not certain I will be likely to take the risk of such a pain only for a walk around.”
His hand deserts mine and I see his smile turning fake, his eyes gaining back the ounce of stoicism that always seems to inhabit them.
A wave of remorse washes through me for being that mean to him, but it has to be for the best. One act of kindness doesn’t suppress all his past wrongs and I know for myself how terrible his wrongdoings were.
When the Duke turns to mama, I can see on his face my comment has hurt him. I wish I couldn’t perceive it, couldn’t notice his feelings so plainly displayed on his face because for me to note them means I attach some importance to them. And I shouldn’t.
“Thank you for your hospitality, Lady Devinan,” he says as he bows over my mother’s hand. “I did not wish to bother you but I believe it is now time for me to depart.”
My mother agrees with a comment of disappointment and she escorts him back to the door. When she comes back into the drawing room, she observes me with an arched eyebrow and an expression of disbelief.
“You have been unfair to him, Lucy. He is the man who helped you out yesterday, you could have been a little warmer, don’t you think?”
I tilt my head in a nod and quickly reroute my gaze to focus on my work. Sounds of hooves battling the ground outside drive my attention to the rider leaving our alley and a loud sigh escapes my lips. I have never been this frustrated before in my life.
Why do I feel I would have liked to be nice to him? I hate that this simple consideration is bothering me to the core. I shake my head as I try to turn away from the window but my eyes can’t leave the horizon as long as his figure hasn’t disappeared.
I have too strong a reproach against him to let myself fall into the trap of feelings of consideration. And yet, I can still recall the sensation his strong arms around me have imprinted on my skin as he helped and carried me to the house. His powerful hands holding me safely to his chest, I would be lying if I were to say they didn’t make me feel good and protected. It alleviated the pain of my ankle
somehow and I can’t let my mind wander on what it might mean.
Focusing back on my needlework, I gasp when I prick my finger and a new desperate sigh leaves my throat. I look up and catch my mother’s eyes on me, her gaze more suspicious than I have ever seen it.
“I am fine,” I say before she has the chance to ask. “It’s nothing, only a little pinch.”
“Of course,” she answers and I frown, finding more in her tone than what her face might convey. “Nothing more.”
Her suspicion troubles me but I end up shrugging and changing my needle. The day is slowly drifting into night but the soft rain of early summer is something I usually appreciate. Not today, though.
No matter how hard I seem to try, my mind keeps wandering to a very peculiar Duke and his smooth voice saying my name. The more I look inside my heart, the more I realize his name doesn’t birth only hatred in me. It creates something else deep down, and I am afraid to face what the signification of it might be.
Chapter 8
Andrew Mirabeau, Duke of Peicester
I wake up and stretch in my bed but a heavy weight makes my eyelids painful. I have had an atrocious night, barely getting some sleep as one nightmare succeeded another.
I head down for breakfast but I don’t even look at the papers Mrs. Low has brought in. All of this feels most unimportant to me after the terrible night I have just had.
A sigh passes my lips as I blow on my coffee to cool it. Since yesterday afternoon, I haven’t been able to take my mind off Lucy Devinan. Thoughts of her have occupied my night and the coldness of her words during our brief time together not twenty-four hours past have unsettled me so much it has let way too many unwanted fantasies.
She hates me. I have seen it in her eyes yesterday and it annoys me that it does. After our stroll a few days ago, I believed I might have seen something more in her gaze, something that went beyond every previous feeling we might have entertained toward each other.
But, considering her icy stare and contemptuous tone when we last met, I think all hope to have earned a part of her affection was misplaced on my part. She will never change, she will eternally remain this selfish, petty girl I have known her to be and was hoping she had shed away turning into the accomplished woman she now lets everybody see of her.
I was wrong, wrong to believe what I believed for a second, wrong to feel what I felt for a minute, and wrong to imagine I could have kissed her and enjoyed it.
After her freezing reception yesterday, I believe she would have struck me if I had dared press my lips on hers.
I finish my coffee and stand to go to the window. A chilly breeze is blowing dead leaves away and the green lawn of my estate is threatened by a large, gray cloud about to rip the sky in two.
I chase a fold on my jacket and inhale a deep breath. My decision has been made, I need to see Lord Devinan right away.
◆◆◆
I mount my horse and make my way to the Devinan estate. The sky is menacing, but I don’t fear the rain, it can’t turn me colder than my crushed heart.
When the pompous mansion appears in front of me, a weird sense of relief runs through me. Loud grumbles of thunder echo from afar and I exhort my competitive horse to go even faster. Unfortunately for me, a dashing rain falls over me before I can reach the stables.
The manservant takes my horse and I head to the front door, Mrs. Portman ushering me inside quickly.
“But Your Grace, it is raining buckets outside!”
I smile and nod handing her my hat and coat she shakes at once.
“As you may realize, I have noticed.”
She offers me a constricted smile and I grin reassuringly.
“Is Lord Devinan home?”
“He is,” she says with a nod, “please follow me.”
She knocks on the door and announces my presence to her master before inviting me in.
“Will you be joining for tea, Your Grace?”
She asks and I shake my head no.
“Unfortunately, it won’t be possible.”
A veil of surprise appears on her face and she nods timidly before closing the door behind her. Standing from behind his desk, Lord Devinan gestures toward me to sit on the chair facing him. I refuse in a nod.
“Thank you, my Lord, but what I have come to tell you will not require more than a minute.”
“Why, you braved the bad weather only to come and chat for a few minutes?”
His frown deepens but I agree nonetheless.
“I fear so, my Lord.”
He details me for a second, an inquisitive look on his features, before clasping his hands behind his back.
“Please,” he says formally, “is something the matter, Your Grace?”
I inhale a deep breath as I gather all of my courage to push the words out of my mouth.
“I came to tell you I am calling the deal off,” I say and his eyes go wide. “We both know you don’t wish to see me marrying your only daughter and, to be fair, I can affirm she doesn’t wish to any more than you do.”
A deep silence settles between us only disturbed by the persistent ticking of a long-case clock.
“But… What about your mining venture? Are you abandoning it also?”
To this, I shake my head.
“Not the venture in itself, no, but I will not ask for you to allow us any access to your soil. It means a great, fruitful soil will be left undiscovered, but if it is your wish, I won’t press for you to accept.”
“Well,” says Devinan hurriedly, “I must admit I wouldn’t have expected this coming from you!”
I nod slowly for only response and get ready to leave.
“If I may ask, Your Grace,” he says calling me back. “What has changed your mind? A few weeks ago, you seemed pretty determined.”
“I was,” I admit and the glint of a wooden reproduction of a boat catches my eye.
I lose myself in thoughts as I realize I could have gone on with this deal until the end. It would have only taken me to marry Lucy. A chill runs over my spine as I recall her cold eyes on me. My feelings might have changed toward her, but hers haven’t. And, if there is one thing I know for certain, it is that love and affection should never be toyed with.
“I guess some external circumstances made me reconsider,” I say with a polite bow. “I am quite certain Miss Devinan will be more than thrilled to know she doesn’t have to marry a man she despises.”
Lord Devinan eyes me with a lost gaze and I walk to the door.
“Thank you, Your Grace,” declares the older man as I turn to look at him. “It was a very intricate situation and you are being the most sensible player. I am very surprised, I will not deny it, but I am pleased at your decision.”
I nod to greet him and exit the room closing the door behind me. I head to the entrance hall where I can’t find Mrs. Portman. When I hear her voice in the drawing room, I decide to go to her to request my coat and hat but I am unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse at Miss Devinan.
“Your Grace?”
Seated on a chair, her delicate foot resting on a velvety cushion, she looks as gracious and beautiful as ever. I swallow at the lump in my throat and bow as I remain at the entrance of the room.
“I did not know you were here,” she says looking around her like a scared squirrel.
Does she hate me that much? Even I could never despise her so.
I bow in greeting and she bobs her chin timidly.
“How is your ankle doing today?” I ask as conversationally as I can.
My mouth is dry, my heart rate too quick for my own good and my lungs feeling strangely small.
“Very… Huh, very well, Your Grace. The pain has been subsiding but I am still unable to use my foot.”
“You should be waiting a few weeks. If you listen to the doctor’s recommendations, you will be standing on your two feet quickly enough.”
I keep my voice as even as I can but, when she looks up at me and smiles gently, I can read genuine kindn
ess on her face. What is this supposed to mean? I know I have come in unannounced and probably surprised her, but such a change of attitude is making me afraid. Afraid I might have made a mistake.
“You are leaving already, your Grace?” wonders Mrs. Portman as she looks back at me.
I nod in response and Lucy gazes up to me.
“You came for…” she inquires and I clear my throat while squaring my shoulders. I need to feel taller, talking in front of her always makes me lose my ways for some unknown reason.
As Mrs. Portman leaves the room to get me my coat and hat, I fix my eyes on Lucy.
“I had to see your father, Miss.”
She nods and arches one of her eyebrows to invite me to say more.
“I suppose what I came to tell him will please you greatly.”
“Really?”
I nod.
“Really. From now on you can be certain I will not bother you anymore.”
She blinks rapidly trying to get the meaning of my words and she shakes her head, lost.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I have called the deal off with your father,” I say and I see her swallowing loudly. “I believe you can now happily consider yourself free of me.”
She doesn’t say a word but nods and, when I am about to walk out, her voice calls me back.
“But what about your mine? Don’t you need the ground or have you… have you renounced to the project?”
“The mine will remain open for as long as it can possibly survive without the Eastern part of the tunnels. It will not prove as profitable as it should be, but it is nothing that can’t be adjusted in time.”
She bows her head slowly to show her agreement but she doesn’t add a sound. She looks back at me and her eyes petrify me. Is it sadness I observe in her gaze? No, surely it isn’t.
“What made you change your mind?” she wonders and I am tempted to give her the same answer I gave her father a few minutes earlier. But I don’t, she deserves better, even if she is still her, the girl I despise.
“Some things cannot be forced, Miss Lucy. We both know our… mutual feelings are very strong but not of the kind that should be uniting a husband and a wife.”