Sketches New and Old, Part 1.

by Mark Twain

  THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY [Pronounced Cal-e-va-ras]

  In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from theEast, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and inquiredafter my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to do, and Ihereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that Leonidas W.Smiley is a myth that my friend never knew such a personage; and that heon conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him, it would remind himof his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would go to work and bore me to deathwith some exasperating reminiscence him as long and as tedious as itshould be useless to me. If that was the design, it succeeded.

  I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar-room stove of thedilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp Angel's, and I noticed thathe was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentlenessand simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up, and gave megood day. I told him that a friend of mine had commissioned me to makesome inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named LeonidasW. Smiley--Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, a young minister of the Gospel, whohe had heard was at one time resident of Angel's Camp. I added that ifMr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley,I would feel under many obligations to him.

  Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with hischair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative whichfollows this paragraph. He never smiled he never frowned, he neverchanged his voice from the gentle flowing key to which he tuned hisinitial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion ofenthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a veinof impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that,so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funnyabout his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admiredits two heroes as men of transcendent genius in 'finesse.' I let him goon in his own way, and never interrupted him once.

  "Rev. Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le--well, there was a feller here, onceby the name of Jim Smiley, in the winter of '49--or maybe it was thespring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes methink it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume warn'tfinished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was thecuriousest man about always betting on anything that turned up you eversee, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he couldn'the'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit him anyway just so's he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still he was lucky,uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always ready andlaying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing mentioned butthat feller'd offer to bet on it, and take any side you please, as I wasjust telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd find him flush oryou'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a dog-fight, he'dbet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was achicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds setting on afence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if there was acamp-meeting, he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson Walker, which hejudged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was too, and a goodman. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he would betyou how long it would take him to get to--to wherever he was going to,and if you took him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico butwhat he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on theroad. Lots of the boys here has seen that Smiley, and can tell you abouthim. Why, it never made no difference to him--he'd bet on any thing--thedangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife laid very sick once, for a goodwhile, and it seemed as if they warn't going to save her; but one morninghe come in, and Smiley up and asked him how she was, and he said she wasconsiderable better--thank the Lord for his inf'nite mercy--and coming onso smart that with the blessing of Prov'dence she'd get well yet; andSmiley, before he thought, says, 'Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half shedon't anyway.'

  "Thish-yer Smiley had a mare--the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag,but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster thanthat--and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was so slow andalways had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or somethingof that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards' start,and then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the race sheget excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and straddling up,and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, andsometimes out to one side among the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dustand raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing hernose--and always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead, as nearas you could cipher it down.

  "And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think hewarn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for achance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was adifferent dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'castle ofa steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces.And a dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw himover his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson--which was thename of the pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he wassatisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else--and the bets being doubledand doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up;and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog jest by the j'intof his hind leg and freeze to it--not chaw, you understand, but only justgrip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year.Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog oncethat didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in acircular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the moneywas all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see in aminute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in thedoor, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorterdiscouraged-like and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he gotshucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his heart wasbroke, and it was his fault, for putting up a dog that hadn't no hindlegs for him to take holt of, which was his main dependence in a fight,and then he limped off a piece and laid down and died. It was a goodpup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a name for hisself ifhe'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had genius--I know it,because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and it don't stand toreason that a dog could make such a fight as he could under themcircumstances if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel sorry whenI think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned out.

  "Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tomcatsand all them kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn'tfetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched a frogone day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him; and sohe never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard and learnthat frog to jump. And you bet you he did learn him, too. He'd give him alittle punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that frog whirling inthe air like a doughnut--see him turn one summerset, or maybe a couple,if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like acat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies, and kep' him inpractice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as fur as he couldsee him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education, and he could do'most anything--and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Websterdown here on this floor--Dan'l Webster was the name of the frog--and singout, 'Flies, Dan'l, flies!' and quicker'n you could wink he'd springstraight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and flop down on thefloor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to scratching the side ofhis head with his hind foot as indifferent as if he hadn't no idea he'dbeen doin' any more'n any frog might do. You never see a frog so modestand straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. And when itcome to fair and square jumping on a dead level, he could get over moreground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see.Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you
understand; and when itcome to that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red.Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he might be, for fellersthat had traveled and been everywheres all said he laid over any frogthat ever they see.

  "Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used tofetch him down-town sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller--a stranger in the camp, he was--come acrost him with his box, and says:

  "'What might it be that you've got in the box?'

  "And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, 'It might be a parrot, or itmight be a canary, maybe, but it ain't--it's only just a frog.'

  "And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it roundthis way and that, and says, 'H'm--so 'tis. Well, what's HE good for.

  "'Well,' Smiley says, easy and careless, 'he's good enough for one thing,I should judge--he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County.

  "The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, 'Well,' he says,'I don't see no pints about that frog that's any better'n any otherfrog.'

  "'Maybe you don't,' Smiley says. 'Maybe you understand frogs and maybeyou don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe youain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got my opinion, and I'llresk forty dollars the he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County.'

  "And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad-like, 'Well,I'm only a, stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog,I'd bet you.

  "And then Smiley says, 'That's all right--that's all right if you'll holdmy box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog.' Any so the feller took thebox, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down towait.

  "So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to himself and thenhe got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon andfilled him full of quail-shot-filled him pretty near up to his chin--andset him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around inthe mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched himin, and give him to this feller and says:

  "'Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with his fore pawsjust even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word.' Then he says,'One-two-three--git' and him and the feller touches up the frogs frombehind, and the new frog hopped off lively but Dan'l give a heave, andhysted up his shoulders---so-like a Frenchman, but it warn't no use--hecouldn't budge; he was planted as solid as a church, and he couldn't nomore stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good deal surprised,and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea what the matter wasof course.

  "The Teller took the money and started away; and when he was going out atthe door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder--so--at Dan'l, andsays again, very deliberate, 'Well,' he says, 'I don't see no pints aboutthat frog that's any better'n any other frog.'

  "Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a longtime, and at last he says, 'I do wonder what in the nation that frogthrow'd off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter with him--he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow.' And he ketched Dan'l by thenap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, 'Why blame my cats if he don'tweigh five pound!' and turned him upside down and he belched out a doublehandful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the maddest man--he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he neverketched him. And--"

  [Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got upto see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said:"Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going to begone a second."

  But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history ofthe enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would be likely to afford me muchinformation concerning the Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and so I startedaway.

  At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed meand recommenced:

  "Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn't have notail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and--"

  However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear aboutthe afflicted cow, but took my leave.

  Now let the learned look upon this picture and say if iconoclasm canfurther go:

  [From the Revue des Deux Mondes, of July 15th, 1872.]

  .......................

  THE JUMPING FROG

  "--Il y avait, une fois ici un individu connu sous le nom de Jim Smiley:c'etait dans l'hiver de 49, peut-etre bien au printemps de 50, je ne mereappelle pas exactement. Ce qui me fait croire que c'etait l'un oul'autre, c'est que je me souviens que le grand bief n'etait pas achevelorsqu'il arriva au camp pour la premiere fois, mais de toutes facons iletait l'homme le plus friand de paris qui se put voir, pariant sur toutce qui se presentaat, quand il pouvait trouver un adversaire, et, quandn'en trouvait pas il passait du cote oppose. Tout ce qui convenaiatl'autre lui convenait; pourvu qu'il eut un pari, Smiley etait satisfait.Et il avait une chance! une chance inouie: presque toujours il gagnait.It faut dire qu'il etait toujours pret a'exposer, qu'on ne pouvaitmentionner la moindre chose sans que ce gaillard offrit de parierla-dessus n'importe quoi et de prendre le cote que l'on voudrait, commeje vous le disais tout a l'heure. S'il y avait des courses, vous letrouviez riche ou ruine a la fin; s'il y avait un combat de chiens, ilapportait son enjeu; il l'apportait pour un combat de chats, pour uncombat de coqs;--parbleu! si vous aviez vu deux oiseaux sur une haie ilvous aurait offert de parier lequel s'envolerait le premier, et s'il yaviat 'meeting' au camp, il venait parier regulierement pour le cureWalker, qu'il jugeait etre le meilleur predicateur des environs, et quil'etait en effet, et un brave homme. Il aurai rencontre une punaise debois en chemin, qu'il aurait parie sur le temps qu'il lui faudrait pouraller ou elle voudrait aller, et si vous l'aviez pris au mot, it auraitsuivi la punaise jusqu'au Mexique, sans se soucier d'aller si loin, ni dutemps qu'il y perdrait. Une fois la femme du cure Walker fut tres maladependant longtemps, il semblait qu'on ne la sauverait pas; mai un matin lecure arrive, et Smiley lui demande comment ella va et il dit qu'elle estbien mieux, grace a l'infinie misericorde tellement mieux qu'avec labenediction de la Providence elle s'en tirerait, et voila que, sans ypenser, Smiley repond:--Eh bien! ye gage deux et demi qu'elle mourra toutde meme.

  "Ce Smiley avait une jument que les gars appelaient le bidet du quartd'heure, mais seulement pour plaisanter, vous comprenez, parse que, bienentendu, elle etait plus vite que ca! Et il avait coutume de gagner del'argent avec cette bete, quoi-qu'elle fut poussive, cornarde, toujoursprise d'asthme, de colique ou de consomption, ou de quelque chosed'approchant. On lui donnait 2 ou 300 'yards' au depart, puffs on ladepassait sans peine; mais jamais a la fin elle ne manquait des'echauffer, de s'exasperer et elle arrivait, s'ecartant, se defendant,ses jambes greles en l'ai devant les obstacles, quelquefois les evitantet faisant avec cela plus de poussiare qu'aucun cheval, plus de bruitsurtout avec ses eternumens et reniflemens.---crac! elle arrivaat donctoujour premiere d'une tete, aussi juste qu'on peut le mesurer. Et ilavait un petit bouledogue qui, a le voir, ne valait pas un sou; on auraitcru que parier contre lui c'etait voler, tant il etait ordinaire; maisaussitot les enjeux faits, il devenait un autre chien. Sa machoireinferieure commencait a ressortir comme un gaillard d'avant, ses dents sedecouvcraient brillantes commes des fournaises, et un chien pouvait letaquiner, l'exciter, le mordre, le jeter deux ou trois fois par-dessusson epaule, Andre Jackson, c'etait le nom du chien, Andre Jackson prenaitcela tranquillement, comme s'il ne se fut jamais attendu a autre chose,et quand les paris etaient doubles et redoubles contre lui, il voussaisissait l'autre chien juste a l'articulation de la jambe de derriere,et il ne la lachait plus, non pas qu'il la machat, vous concevez, mais ils'y serait tenu pendu jusqu'a ce qu'on jetat l'eponge en l'air, fallut-ilattendre un an. Smiley gagnait toujours avec cette bete-la;malheureusement ils ont fini par dresser un chien qui n'avait pas depattes de derriere, parce qu'on les avait sciees
, et quand les chosesfurent au point qu'il voulait, et qu'il en vint a se jeter sur sonmorceau favori, le pauvre chien comprit en un instant qu'on s'etait moquede lui, et que l'autre le tenait. Vous n'avez jamais vu personne avoirl'air plus penaud et plus decourage; il ne fit aucun effort pour gagnerle combat et fut rudement secoue, de sorte que, regardant Smiley commepour lui dire:--Mon coeur est brise, c'est to faute; pourquoi m'avoirlivre a un chien qui n'a pas de pattes de derriere, puisque c'est par laque je les bats?--il s'en alla en clopinant, et se coucha pour mourir.Ah! c'etait un bon chien, cet Andre Jackson, et il se serait fait un nom,s'il avait vecu, car il y avait de l'etoffe en lui, il avait du genie,je la sais, bien que de grandes occasions lui aient manque; mais il estimpossible de supposer qu'un chien capable de se battre comme lui,certaines circonstances etant donnees, ait manque de talent. Je me senstriste toutes les fois que je pense a son dernier combat et au denoumentqu'il a eu. Eh bien! ce Smiley nourrissait des terriers a rats, et descoqs combat, et des chats, et toute sorte de choses, au point qu'il etaittoujours en mesure de vous tenir tete, et qu'avec sa rage de paris onn'avait plus de repos. Il attrapa un jour une grenouille et l'emportachez lui, disant qu'il pretendait faire son Education; vous me croirez sivous voulez, mais pendant trois mois il n'a rien fait que lui apprendre asauter dans une cour retire de sa maison. Et je vous reponds qu'il avaitreussi. Il lui donnait un petit coup par derriere, et l'instant d'apresvous voyiez la grenouille tourner en l'air comme un beignet au-dessus dela poele, faire une culbute, quelquefois deux, lorsqu'elle etait bienpartie, et retomber sur ses pattes comme un chat. Il l'avait dresseedans l'art de gober des mouches, er l'y exercait continuellement, si bienqu'une mouche, du plus loin qu'elle apparaissait, etait une moucheperdue. Smiley avait coutume de dire que tout ce qui manquait a unegrenouille, c'etait l'education, qu'avec l'education elle pouvait fairepresque tout, et je le crois. Tenez, je l'ai vu poser Daniel Webster lasur se plancher,--Daniel Webster etait le nom de la grenouille,--et luichanter: Des mouches! Daniel, des mouches!--En un clin d'oeil, Danielavait bondi et saisi une mouche ici sur le comptoir, puis saute denouveau par terre, ou il restait vraiment a se gratter la tete avec sapatte de derriere, comme s'il n'avait pas eu la moindre idee de sasuperiorite. Jamais vous n'avez grenouille vu de aussi modeste, aussinaturelle, douee comme elle l'etait! Et quand il s'agissait de sauterpurement et simplement sur terrain plat, elle faisait plus de chemin enun saut qu'aucune bete de son espece que vous puissiez connaitre. Sautera plat, c'etait son fort! Quand il s'agissait de cela, Smiley en tassaitles enjeux sur elle tant qu'il lui, restait un rouge liard. Il faut lereconnaitre, Smiley etait monstrueusement fier de sa grenouille, et il enavait le droit, car des gens qui avaient voyage, qui avaient tout vu,disaient qu'on lui ferait injure de la comparer a une autre; de facon queSmiley gardait Daniel dans une petite boite a claire-voie qu'il emportaitparfois a la Ville pour quelque pari.

  "Un jour, un individu etranger au camp l'arrete aver sa boite et luidit:--Qu'est-ce que vous avez donc serre la dedans?

  "Smiley dit d'un air indifferent:--Cela pourrait etre un perroquet ou unserin, mais ce n'est rien de pareil, ce n'est qu'une grenouille.

  "L'individu la prend, la regarde avec soin, la tourne d'un cote et del'autre puis il dit.--Tiens! en effet! A quoi estelle bonne?

  "--Mon Dieu! repond Smiley, toujours d'un air degage, elle est bonne pourune chose a mon avis, elle peut battre en sautant toute grenouille ducomte de Calaveras.

  "L'individu reprend la boite, l'examine de nouveau longuement, et la renda Smiley en disant d'un air delibere:--Eh bien! je ne vois pas que cettegrenouille ait rien de mieux qu'aucune grenouille.

  "--Possible qua vous ne le voyiez pat, dit Smiley, possible que vous vousentendiez en grenouilles, possible que vous ne vous y entendez point,possible qua vous avez de l'experience, et possible que vous ne soyezqu'un amateur. De toute maniere, je parie quarante dollars qu'ellebattra en sautant n'importe quelle grenouille du comte de Calaveras.

  "L'individu reflechit one seconde et dit comma attriste:--Je ne suisqu'un etranger ici, je n'ai pas de grenouille; mais, si j'enavais une, je tiendrais le pari.

  "--Fort bien! repond Smiley. Rien de plus facile. Si vous voulez tenirma boite one minute, j'irai vous chercher une grenouille.--Voile doncl'individu qui garde la boite, qui met ses quarante dollars sur ceux deSmiley et qui attend. Il attend assez longtemps, reflechissant toutseul, et figurez-vous qu'il prend Daniel, lui ouvre la bouche de force atavec une cuiller a the l'emplit de menu plomb de chasse, mail l'emplitjusqu'au menton, puis il le pose par terre. Smiley pendant ce tempsetait a barboter dans une mare. Finalement il attrape une grenouille,l'apporte cet individu et dit:--Maintenant, si vous etes pret, mettez-latout contra Daniel, avec leurs pattes de devant sur la meme ligne, et jedonnerai le signal; puis il ajoute:--Un, deux, trois, sautez!

  "Lui et l'individu touchent leurs grenouilles par derriere, et lagrenouille neuve se met h sautiller, mais Daniel se souleve lourdement,hausse les epaules ainsi, comma un Francais; a quoi bon? il ne pouvaitbouger, il etait plante solide comma une enclume, il n'avancait pas plusque si on l'eut mis a l'ancre. Smiley fut surpris et degoute, mais il nese doutait pas du tour, bien entendu. L'individu empoche l'argent, s'enva, et en s'en allant est-ce qu'il ne donna pas un coup de poucepardessus l'epaule, comma ca, au pauvre Daniel, en disant de son airdelibere:--Eh bien! je ne vois pas qua cette grenouille ait rien de muiexqu'une autre.

  "Smiley se gratta longtemps la tete, les yeux fixes Sur Daniel; jusqu'ace qu'enfin il dit:--je me demande comment diable il se fait qua cettebite ait refuse, . . . Est-ce qu'elle aurait quelque chose? . . . Oncroirait qu'elle est enflee.

  "Il empoigne Daniel par la peau du coo, le souleve et dit:--Le loup mecroque, s'il ne pese pas cinq livres.

  "Il le retourne, et le malheureux crache deux poignees de plomb. QuandSmiley reconnut ce qui en etait, il fut comme fou. Vous le voyez d'iciposer sa grenouille par terra et courir apres cet individu, mais il ne lerattrapa jamais, et ...."