by Sarah White
“Enough about me; how did last night go? Did you guys get any closer to a compromise?” My heart hurts for her and Kyle.
I feel guilty that a little part of me wishes Greg and I came from different states, that I didn’t have to be committed to him because everyone would understand we both had other commitments to our families that would have to come over our own relationship. We don’t; we literally live five miles from each other. Abby starts to catch me up on their never-ending debate and I can’t keep my gaze from drifting toward the front window of the shop.
Jackson is outside, talking to another man that looks about his age. Abby’s voice fades as I watch his every movement—the way his bicep flexes as he holds up the coffee; the beautiful way he smiles as he talks, and the way his eyes move in my direction. I’m totally caught. Jackson’s eyes meet mine and he grins. I quickly bring my focus back to Abby, but she has apparently stopped talking to watch me watch Jackson.
“Sorry,” I offer, and take a sip of my coffee.
“Madeline, why did he call you ‘rookie’?” I follow her line of vision back to Jackson.
“I was using my skills to launch my belongings onto the roof.” We’re both staring at him now but he’s looking only at me.
“Shit. I knew it. You were wasted, weren’t you? I told Kyle we needed to make sure you got home okay.”
“I wasn’t that drunk, Abby, at least not on alcohol. I had freedom. You guys aren’t my babysitters and, while I appreciate you worrying about me, trust me when I say that my family has that covered.” Jackson climbs into his truck and leaves the parking lot. I want to run outside and scream for him to stop, to experience what it feels like to be free and sharing the same air as him.
“Your father can’t keep you locked up forever. Promise me you’ll follow your heart, Madeline.”
“Right now my heart is showing no loyalty to the king, my friend, and that could be very dangerous.” The image of my father as an absolute ruler is not a far stretch. His word is law in both his multimillion dollar hotel business and in his family, and while he is devoted to both, he has little tolerance for dissent. Not for the first time, I wonder what he was like when my mother was still alive. Abby and I finish our coffees and make our way back to the apartment. We both have tests tomorrow and I need to get a nap in before I get lost in my dry textbook.
Chapter Three
It’s been four days since I’ve seen Jackson, not that I’m counting. Okay, I’m counting. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. I feel like a junkie looking for my next fix. I know I can’t have him since we’re both in relationships with other people, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be near him. I’m trying so hard to focus on the task at hand, which is getting ready to leave my apartment on time, but I can’t seem to keep my thoughts straight as I rush around my room.
Greg is taking me out to dinner tonight so I’m wearing a conservative dress and my soft ballet flats. My hair is twisted up into a bun and to complete the proper-lady look I’m wearing a string of pearls. If he had any bad boy in him he would find out that under the proper-lady dress I’m anything but a proper lady. I may be inexperienced in many things, but I have a great collection of sexy panties and bras. It’s one of the few areas of my life where I’m not under my family’s scrutiny; I learned very young that the males in my life would not dare step into a lingerie store with me.
Greg is an amazing guy with a bright future, but sometimes he feels like another item on the list of life choices my family has made for me. My brother Ben introduced us, and while I didn’t feel any particular spark, I saw no reason not to give this charming, clean-cut, respectful man a chance. He is a man that already has the approval of all the men in my family, which made it so easy to accept his invitation for a date. I was inexperienced and believed with time the spark all my friends talked about would come. To this day, I’m still waiting for it.
I can’t help but acknowledge love has grown between Greg and me in the last year we’ve spent together playing the role of dating young adults on the verge of engagement. Greg respects me and knows me, has cared for me when I’m sick and is truly invested in my future. We’re great friends and before I met Jackson, I thought that was enough. Now that I’ve felt the spark of desire, I’m more aware than ever that there’s a wall between Greg and me when it comes to physical connection. I just wish I knew whether that wall is indicative of my feelings for Greg, or whether it’s caused by my resistance to being controlled by my family.
I spray on a touch of perfume and stand back to look in the mirror. I wonder what Jackson would think if he saw me like this. I don’t even look my age, more like a thirty-year-old mom who spends her days working in a church office. I’m beige and taupe and multiple shades of neutral. I hear the knock at the door and then Abby’s voice as she invites Greg in to wait for me. She always tells him I’m in my room down the hall if he would like to go find me, and he always declines and waits for me in the shared living room.
Abby doesn’t understand our world. As much as I fight against it, it’s a privilege to have been raised with the blessings I’ve been given. I never had to worry where my next meal would come from, where I would sleep that night, or if my parents would be able to afford my education. I was sent to the best private schools, had every door opened for me, and traveled to many beautiful places. My family’s money and our connections will one day allow me to make a difference in people’s lives. Following the rules is a small price to pay to stay in the good graces of those who travel in our circle.
I grab my small clutch and take one last look in the mirror before making my way down the hall. When Abby sees me she scrunches up her nose in a look that says blah, before sitting down on the couch and grabbing the remote. Greg is a gentleman as always and stands as I enter the room. He’s not quite as tall as Jackson but he’s in great shape. His blond hair is kept short for business and he’s wearing a sleek button-up shirt and a pair of slacks. His green eyes meet mine as I walk toward him and a smile lights up his face. I will never understand how any man could be excited about his girlfriend being so G-rated. This image of me fits perfectly into his happily-ever-after. It breaks my heart to think that becoming his happily-ever-after will end any chances of mine coming true.
*
Greg is animated over dinner as he talks about his experience at my dad’s office. He’s passionate about the hotel business and is working hard to make a name for himself. I know my father loves him and that part of our relationship feels right to me. When Greg revisits his three-year plan, though, and talk turns to marriage, kids, and buying a house, I start to feel dizzy and sick. I take long breaths through my nose and tell myself to relax, that I still have a few months of my own life before we start ours together. With the building anxiety, I also feel guilt. Greg is an amazing guy who deserves to have a woman who is madly in love with him and will live to make him happy. I wonder if I’ll ever be that woman.
Greg puts his hand on top of mine and I look up into his eyes. “Madeline, are you okay, baby?” His thumb rubs circles across my skin and I try to calm my racing heart. This is when I can say no, be honest that I am not sure if I am ready for his three-year plan. But then what would happen? Will I lose him altogether? I don’t know if I’m ready for that, either.
“I’m worried about you,” Greg continues. “I think you took on too much this semester. It’ll be worth it, though, if you can stick it out. In just a few months we can put college behind us and move on to the next chapter.”
“Maybe you’re right, Greg. I have been feeling a little stressed with everything that’s on my plate. Excuse me while I run to the ladies’ room and freshen up before dessert.” Greg nods and looks relieved.
I splash a little water on my face in the bathroom and take a minute to collect my thoughts. Telling myself I just got too worked up about marriage, I decide it isn’t about Greg; it’s about my fears of committing to a life I find so boring, one that I didn’t even get to choose. It�
��s just part of growing up and I must be struggling with letting go of my youth. Tonight, I’m going to push some of the limits and see if Greg can make me feel the way I do around Jackson. Maybe the passion is there if I only let it sizzle. I leave the bathroom with purpose as my plan begins to unfold.
Greg stands as I reach the table and sits after I have sat down. I pick up my dessert menu and begin to make recommendations of what we could share, but Greg surprises me by picking up right where we left off.
“Madeline, is there anything else I should know about? You haven’t been yourself lately.” He takes the menu out of my hands and puts it down, looking at me with such concern I have to look away.
“It’s nothing, Greg. I’m just tired and overworked like you said. It’s fine… I’m fine.” I look into his eyes again and pray he will buy it.
“But are we fine? I feel like you’re shutting me out. The closer we get to your graduation, the more I feel like I’m losing you—and you are losing yourself.” His hand reaches across the table and rests on top of mine. I start to feel panic building inside me; perhaps I’m ruining this.
“Of course we’re fine, Greg. You’re making my dad so proud at work, my brothers love you, and I’m almost done with my degree.” I force a smile and his eyes take in my face.
“Madeline, don’t lie to me, please. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s broken.”
Desperate to change the subject, I casually place my hand on his thigh and glance again at the menu in front of me. Greg is still, his muscles strained beneath my palm. I trace the inside of his leg with my fingers in slow circles while I pretend to be focused on the desserts. As the waiter approaches, I use the opportunity to slide my hand up higher on his thigh and rest my fingers at the crease where his thigh meets his groin.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask in a seductive voice and his eyes bore into mine.
“I was thinking perhaps we could skip the dessert. I should be getting you home soon,” he replies.
I’m shocked and elated; he wants me alone with him and the butterflies begin to dance in my stomach at the thought of being touched.
“Sounds great to me,” I reply as I trace more circles on his thigh.
He hands the waiter our menus and his credit card. When the waiter leaves our table, Greg places his hand on top of mine and stops my slow caresses.
“Madeline, we’re in a public place. People can see that your hand is in my lap.” He glances around the restaurant to check for any prying eyes. “What’s going on with you tonight? Let me take you home so you can get some rest.”
“I don’t want to rest, Greg. I want to play.” I’ve never been so forward in our relationship and I stare into his eyes to see his response. I feel like a bratty child insisting on something she can’t have.
“Believe me, baby, I want that very much, too, but we’ve waited this long—what’s the rush all of a sudden? Why not wait a few more months until we can be married? We have the rest of our lives to discover each other in that way.” He pulls my reluctant hand to the top of the table and pats it like he would pat a small child’s head after an upset. I nod my agreement but tears sting the backs of my eyes. A look of pain washes over Greg’s features and I feel terrible for questioning whether his love for me is enough to keep me happy.
“Please just take me home, Greg.” I place my napkin on the table and scoot my chair back as the waiter returns with Greg’s card and receipt. Greg stands with me and while I think he is going to put his hand on my back, he just pulls the chair back and tucks it into the table. He follows me out of the restaurant and we drive home in silence.
When he pulls into the parking lot at my complex he shuts off the engine. “Madeline, I think all of this is just too much for you right now. I love you and I’m excited that we are getting so close to a time when we can be together, but I know you enough to know that something is wrong.” He reaches for my hand.
The silence is so thick in the car I start to feel the panic rise again. Greg stares out the front window and sucks in a deep breath.
He closes his eyes and then in a shaky voice he begins, “I think we could be happy together, but not unless you’re sure you want to be with me. I can see the indecision in your eyes, and I think it may have something to do with the fact that you think I am being shoved down your throat by your family. It’s true that I may have been a strategic move on their part, sweetheart, but our relationship is our own.”
I can’t even look at him as the tears spill from my eyes and run down my cheeks.
For the millionth time in my life I wish I could speak to my mother. I lost her too young, before I even knew what questions to ask. Were my doubts about Greg a passing thing or would I regret not experiencing relationships outside our social circle? I wipe the tears off of my chin and glance over to Greg, who is looking out the side window and trying not to cry.
“I haven’t told you this yet, but after our dinner at your dad’s house tomorrow, I’m getting on a plane to New York for three weeks. Your dad needs some extra help in the New York office since they’re doing some restructuring. I think we should take a break during that time so you can decide whether the life I can offer you is the one your heart wants.”
“Greg, we don’t have to do this. I know what’s best—I’m sure I’m just stressed.” We both know I’m lying, but he nods to save me some dignity. A few days ago, when I felt like there was no way out of this relationship with Greg because he is so woven into my family, I wanted nothing more than to be free, but now that he is walking away it changes everything. My immature fears that I’ll be trapped and my wishes never considered by any of the men in my life have just been disproven. He wants it to be my choice; he wants me to be happy.
“Well then, in three weeks when I get back we can sit down and discuss this again. Perhaps I’ll have you without doubt, Madeline, and I need that. It hurts me to watch you hurt.” Greg reaches over and raises my quivering chin with his fingers. He gently brushes his lips to mine and then tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“What do I do while you’re gone?” I ask.
He’s handed me the freedom I have always wanted but now I fear I won’t know what to do with it.
“Just try to find out if there is room in your heart for me. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at four o’clock. Let’s not mention this to your family so they don’t give you a hard time while I’m gone. This is between you and me.”
“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I open the door and step out of the car, feeling like I’m outside of my own body. I turn around when I reach the edge of the walkway and blow him a kiss. I watch him pretend to catch it, and as he places his hand with my invisible kiss over his heart, mine shatters into a million pieces.
Chapter Four
I cried myself to sleep last night, and it wasn’t pretty like in a Hallmark drama. There was hiccupping and snot and my pillow was drenched with tears. Today my life would give any zombie movie a run for its money. I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago and doing even the littlest things, like taking a shower, seems impossible. I thought that freedom from Greg was what I wanted but I didn’t think it would hurt this badly.
How I made it through all of my classes today I still don’t know, but I need to pull myself together so Greg and I can fake being a happy couple for my family. I feel like a terrible person for accepting this gift of freedom he has given me and for making him sit with my family tonight and pretend everything is fine. I feel even worse when my mind wanders to Jackson and I wonder where he is right now.
Greg is on time, of course, and gives me a hug when I get in the car. We ride in silence to my dad’s house and, as we pull into the driveway, Greg looks over at me and offers a small smile. I reach my hand out and place it in his with a squeeze. I may not be in love with him but I do love him as a friend. I don’t want to see him hurt but he’s right; I need some time to get my fears under control. I need to figure out if I am afraid of gro
wing up, or afraid of growing into a life with him.
All three of my brothers are at my father’s house for dinner and greet us warmly as we enter the living room. Ben is the oldest, followed by the twins, Brandon and Caleb. My dad wraps his strong arms around me in a rare display of affection and I breathe in the scent of his aftershave, feeling like a little girl, loved and safe. The moment passes too quickly and he’s all business again as he shakes Greg’s hand.
“Greg, how about those plans for the New York office?” The two of them become caught up in shop talk and my eyes drift to Ben, who winks at me from across the room.
My family works very hard maintaining the Stone line of luxury hotels, founded by my great-grandfather. While my brothers and I hold equal shares in the company, it’s Ben who is the powerhouse that drives its recent growth. For him, business and family are inseparable and while I sometimes resent his need to be the man in control, it’s hard not to admire his loyalty and his ambition.
We make small talk throughout dinner about business and school and I keep looking over to Greg, but he can’t look me in the eyes. I need to get out of here before I break down.
My dad disappears into the kitchen and returns with a birthday cake, which prompts my brothers and Greg into a horrible rendition of “Happy Birthday.” I look around the table at this unusual family of mine and my heart swells. When my eyes land on Greg he gives me a tight smile and a nod. As each of my brothers pulls out a small present for me, I know the most costly gift being given to me this year is not wrapped and sitting on the table. It’s Greg who has paid the highest price for my gift and I will be forever in debt to him.
Ben clears his throat and holds his glass up. “Happy birthday, Madeline. I know we don’t tell you enough how proud we are of you.” He looks at me fondly before continuing, “Mom would have been proud of your choices so far. I know I’m not alone in hoping that the next decision will be to marry this guy.” Ben playfully punches Greg on the arm. “We can’t wait to officially welcome you to the family, Greg. Here’s to Madeline and another year of moving forward.” Everyone raises their glasses. Greg offers me a small smile and throws back his drink.