by Ana Gibson
“Really? How come?”
“Well, you know. Certain situations don't always afford the opportunity financially. Gotta spend where it makes sense.”
Her eyebrows raise, and she nods like my eloquence is shocking. Probably is.
“I can certainly understand that.”
“Yeah. This year will be different for us.”
“I understand. Well, are you at least spending the holidays with anyone?”
I shake my head.
“What? Just you and baby girl huh?”
“Yes, ma'am. How about you?”
“Yep, it's gonna be me and my husband and our five children. I'm looking forward to it.”
“That's good. I hope you all have fun together.”
She smiles and turns her head away. I go back to minding my own business. The bus arrives, and we get on. Logan and I make our way to the back to a two-seater. She takes the window and I, the aisle. Opposite side sits the woman I was talking to. She looks my way again and grins. I return the favor and then give my attention to Logan to see if she's okay. Her reflection shows through the window. All of that happiness and contentment she had yesterday is gone. All I can think about is Faith's boyfriend and what he did. You've gotta be pretty ruthless to put people out of your home without ever asking why they're there in the first place and what you can do to help. I don't know how anyone can sleep at night knowing a child is out on the street too. That bothers me, cause’ we were good. We were safe in there, and just out of nowhere, it gets taken from us. Just ain't right.
“What's your name by the way?” The woman asks. She takes me out of my thoughts, tapping my shoulder. I answer.
“Devin? That's a nice name. And hers?” She points.
“Logan.”
“She's so pretty.”
“Say thank you, Lo.”
Pitifully she says thank you.
“She's a little tired.”
“It’s quite alright.” The woman giggles and then looks forward.
“What's yours if you don't mind me asking?”
“Oh, I'm Lenora.”
“Nice to meet you.”
Silence falls upon us momentarily. Lenora pulls out a pen and paper and scribbles on it. I look away cause’ I don't want to be nosey. For a while, we continue on the ride until she pulls her cord and gets up. She then hands me the piece of paper and smiles, getting off. I unfold the paper. There’s twenty-dollars and a note.
‘Devin, this money is for you and Logan. It's not much, but I know you need it. I pray you and your daughter have a Merry Christmas and just know that this too shall pass. God's love, Lenora.'
I close the note back and stuff it into my other pocket. This is so on time. As we get off the bus, I look at my watch, hoping we have enough time before the shelter closes its doors on us. It's five on the nose, and we may be just a little too late.
“Come on.” I nearly drag her down several blocks until we get there. And soon as we do, we're hit with a long line ahead of us.
“Come on. Come on.”
“Daddy, we're staying here tonight?”
“I hope so.”
The line crawls up inch by inch. I keep checking my watch, still hoping to get inside. We were almost there until the coordinator announces to the remaining few that there is no more room. My heart sinks and everything becomes a blur. Faces of hopelessness all turn away to find refuge in the street again. I walk away with Logan, realizing we are about to do the same. She clings to me tight as if to say, daddy, please fix this. If only she knew how much I wish I could. My breaking point has arrived. I've had enough of trying to be strong for the both of us. I've had enough of trying to figure out what to do. Maybe having child protective services come get her isn't such a bad idea. I can't take care of my little girl like I want to. And I'm stuck out here alone with her.
“I'm so cold,” she whimpers, her body falling faint by the minute. She can't be out here tonight. She just can't. Come on Devin. Think. Think dammit.
McDonald's. Twenty-Dollars and McDonald's.
“You want a happy meal?” That's the first thing that comes to my mind. Showing her how scared I am will only cause a domino effect, so it's best I remain calm and show her that we're fine.
She nods. “Come on. Let's go eat and then we're going to find somewhere to stay.”
She agrees, and we hurry quickly into the restaurant. In my thoughts, a long ribbon of emotions reminds me that this will be another night of loneliness. Another night of consuming fear. I've got the right mind to just end it all for the both of us. I just want to end it all but I look back and that beautiful light brown face that I created looks at me—those big brown eyes sparkle. I can't give up yet. She's not going to let me give up.
CHAPTER 15
DEVIN
As we set off on our journey to nowhere, my head sways back and forth to find a place to bunk for the evening. The night air is growing colder by the second, doing both of us in. I take her into my arms so she can nuzzle her face into my coat to find relief.
“Just a little bit more. I know we're going to find something,” I tell her. I come upon a sign that reads, ‘If you're going to sleep with anyone, let it be with The Lord. A bed is waiting for you. Come inside.’
Now I done seen some crazy shit but this right here, this got my attention. I take my chances and go inside, following the melodious Christmas music vibrating through the walls. I get to two tan double doors and open them. There's a small group of people gathered around the pianist in practice mode it seems, belting out collectively O Holy Night. They sound so good, got me in here about to cry.
“Hi. Welcome to the Full Center. I'm Mrs. Mason. Can I help you with anything?” A woman taps my shoulder.
“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to barge in like this. I just saw the sign outside and—“
She giggles before I can even finish my sentence. “Yeah, that was Pastor's doing. He's a big jokester, but for the Lord.”
I nod, my smile half tilted.
“What's your name?” She asks. I tell her and then she asks the same of Logan.
“You guys hungry?”
“No. We just came from McDonald's.”
“You guys look tired.” And indeed we are.
“Been traveling?”
Certainly feels like it. Traveling to nowhere.
“No. We were just walking and decided to stop in here. We are tired though. We've been doing a lot of walking around lately.”
She nods. “I'll be right back.”
She leaves us, disappearing back out in the hallway.
“Daddy, where are we?” Logan asks.
“Church, I think.” I mean I know this part is church, but from the outside, I would have never guessed it to be. I've never seen a church look like this before. It's not like those little white churches with the cross on the front and a steeple. No, this place looks industrial. Had to be a warehouse at one point. It's nice though. I give em that.
After a while, the same lady comes back with a man walking behind her. I sit up trying to fix myself to be presentable.
“Devin, this is Pastor Vincent. He wants to welcome you,” she says.
I stand to my feet, hat in my hand and smile as I take the big, warm hand he offers.
“I take it you saw the sign huh?” He laughs. I nod, trying to seem cool about it.
“Come. Follow me.”
I swear, if I go into some room and the Lord ain't in there, I'm rolling out. This better be legit.
Logan takes me by the hand, and I gently squeeze it, trying to calm myself. We all head downstairs into this large basement-like area, set up with sectioned off spaces like giant fitting rooms of full sized beds with dressers and lamps accenting them. A curtain pinned back but can close for privacy and small photos on the wall to give it that home look. There's also a common area with two long sofas and two big chairs and a beanbag. On the long wall is a TV and on the table that sits in the middle of that wide circle, arebooks, magaz
ines, and board games. This cannot be a church. No way.
“Pick a bed,” the Pastor says.
“Who me?” I point at myself. He chuckles and then nods. Both Logan and I look at each other wide-eyed.
“Any bed?”
“Any bed,” he says. I call dibs on the one closest to the chill lounge.
“This one will do, sir.”
“Cool. Let me show you the rest of the space.”
Logan stays behind with Mrs. Mason while I take the tour with the Pastor. We go down a narrow hall, leading to multiple doors. He opens one, showing me their two rows of computers.
“This is the computer lab. It's free to use. Just make sure you log yourself in when you’re about to use it so that we'll know who was in here.”
I nod and look around from the outside. He turns off the light and takes me to another room.
“This is our clothing store. All items are free, but there is a limit on how much you can take. We have to make sure we stay fully stocked for others who need it too.”
“And here,” he says, “is the bathrooms and showers. It's like a locker room, but of course, you have your own stall with a curtain for privacy.”
Damn. This is real nice. Like who would've thought to do all of this?
“Where are the bathrooms for the girls?”
“It's down the other wing.”
“I know you don't allow men in there.”
“No, but I can have someone be in the bathroom with her, and you can wait outside the door if that will make you a little more comfortable?”
I don't really have much of a choice at this point.
“Can it be Mrs. Mason?”
“If she's willing, absolutely.”
“Cool.”
We head back out to the main space, and Mrs. Mason and Logan are still playing. It's getting late, and we're both tired. I need her to get ready for bed, but before I interrupt them, I pull the Pastor to the side.
“Ummm…Pastor, I—“
“Call me Vincent.”
I nod. “Vincent, what do I have to do to stay here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you know, like work? Believe in God? Come to church? What?”
“Well…”
“I figured there was something.”
“What I was going to say is in order for you to stay, all you have to do is just make me believe that I can actually trust you. And if you want to work, just say so. You're not a slave to me.”
I look down kind of embarrassed at myself. I've got a terrible habit of putting my foot in my mouth.
“I apologize. I didn't mean to come off that way.”
“No apologies. You have the right to ask questions.”
I shake my head to that fact.
“Anything else you'd like to know before I leave you two?”
“How long can we stay here?”
“Depends on the situation. But I feel like you might need an extended stay.”
“All this, for free?” I ask. He nods. This has got to be a joke, just like that sign. I remain silent, still taking all this in.
“Okay. Well, I guess I will see you in the morning, Devin. Breakfast will be from 7:30 to 9:30 in the multipurpose room upstairs. Be there.” I agree, and he walks over to Mrs. Mason leaving me to stand in the middle of the room.
Shortly after, Pastor Vincent walks past me, pats my shoulder, and leave. Mrs. Mason comes over to me with Logan.
“Pastor told me your request. I'd be more than happy to.”
With the slightest bit of apprehension, I nod and let her take Logan to the women's room while I follow closely behind. They go in, and I wait outside, listening in closely. I'm not used to letting my baby be with other people if it weren't her teacher or her mother. I'd like to believe that if they want to trust me, I have to trust them too.
“It's so pretty in here. Is this where everybody takes a shower?”
“No, not everybody. Just people like you and me who have had a really long day.”
“You're homeless too?”
It takes everything in me not to bust through the doors cause’ I don't want them knowing every detail that's going on. I don't want nobody calling CPS on me. And I know how a six-year-old can get. No filter. No cut cards. Just straight to it. So I crack the door open just a bit.
“We're okay, Devin. She'll be out in a minute.”
Didn't know she could hear me. “Okay,” I say and shrink back out the door. The shower starts and Mrs. Mason gives her basic instructions for showering.
Then silence. Mrs. Mason opens up the door to let me know she's doing good.
“Logan, I'm standing right at the door with your dad. I'm not leaving you. If you need us, just holler.”
Then she turns towards me, crosses her arms and leans against the doorframe. “How are you doing?”
I sigh and look down at the floor. “I'm okay. Tired.”
“I can tell. I want you to know she's in good hands.”
“I'm starting to feel that.”
She goes on to change the subject and asks, “How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long have you been homeless?”
“Two years.”
“On the street?”
“Not in the beginning. We've been on the street for about a month or so now. Lost my job. No money to get my own. Not even a motel, so I try to get from shelter to shelter as best I can.”
“No family or friends around?”
“No, ma'am. Just me and my baby.”
“What about her mother?”
“Strung out. Don't know where she is.”
“I see. For you guys to be on the street so long, you both still look pretty well put together.”
“Wasn't like this until recently. We were staying with her teacher until her fiancé kicked us out. No reason. No rhyme. We weren't even there that long. Maybe twenty-four hours at best. Then he kicked us out.”
“That's sad people like that in this world are just nasty for no real reason.”
“Yeah. How long have you guys been doing this?”
“For a long time now. It's somewhat like a transitional home if you will. We open it to anyone who needs us.”
“You must've known that I needed it, huh?”
She chuckles to herself.
“Was it that obvious?”
“Seems like you're embarrassed about it.”
But see, that's not what I asked though.
“Well, if you were a man with a child and no means to provide for either of you, you'd be a little embarrassed, scared even, that it's come down to this, right?”
“Oh honey, I was you some years ago. So I know it all too well.”
There goes my foot in my mouth again. I look up at her, surprised.
“Yep! I was homeless. So I understand where you're coming from. Like you, I stumbled across this church one summer night. Pastor Vincent and his wife took me in. I was skeptical at first, just like you are right now, but they assured me I had nothing to worry about. And they were right. They helped me get back on my feet. That's why I'm here.”
“You still live here?”
“No, but I often volunteer to ease the responsibility off his shoulders. It's my way of paying him back.”
“You're a good person, Mrs. Mason.”
She smiles and says, “And so are you, Devin.”
“Hmph. Yeah…right.”
She slides a little more out of the door and takes my chin gently into her hand, lifting it to look at her.
“You are a good person. Whether you can or cannot provide for self or anyone else has little to do with who you are. Your situation is not your character. Your past does not define you. So you, Devin, are indeed a wonderful, magnificently made person. You know why?”
She's trying to make me cry, dammit. I hold down my tears as hard as I can. The lump in my throat creeps up slowly.
“Why?” I answer, my voice breaking a little bit.
“Because the way you love on that little girl in there tells me that your heart and intentions are pure. You are full of love. Without love, you're nothing.”
If only she knew the thoughts I had before we got here. I was seriously considering taking both of our lives. Just call it quits and let Logan go on and live in the heavens.
I look down at my hands as I go into thought. Mrs. Mason goes to check on Logan, and for once I feel so much ease. I go into the clothing store to find a pair of pajamas for both of us and an outfit for tomorrow. While searching through the racks, a sudden warm sensation fills me up, radiating through me. I stop for a second to feel it and my eyes flood with tears. I'm not even sure where or why they're coming. Maybe it was something she said. Maybe it's because they're being so nice. But whatever the case may be, I accept it.
CHAPTER 16
FAITH
Christmas Eve
Blanket greets me with her high-pitched barking. I shuffle my way into the house, zapped of all energy as I have spent hours looking for them all through town. I've visited every homeless shelter and looked in every alleyway and under every bridge only to realize that I'm never going to find them. I just hope they're safe. That's all I want.
“Shut up, Blanket. Please.” I feel like a hung-over college student. The headache of worry pounds at my head. She hushes herself and runs off.
Coffee. I can smell it.
I go into the kitchen and fix myself a cup and head into the living room with my cup of Joe, tuck my feet into the corners of my sofa and stare blankly at the decorated Christmas tree I brought home. What was the point? All of this for nothing. Logan will probably never get to see it. There's no real spirit in here without her. I should probably take it down.
“Morning,” Clayton comes downstairs in high spirits, breaking my thoughts. I smile half-heartedly never giving him a passing glance.
“You hear me? I said good morning.”
“Yeah, morning.”
“Where've you been all night? I've been calling and texting you. You haven't answered any of them.”
“I didn't have my phone with me.” I'm lying but who cares. I don't owe him any kind of explanation.