Out of the Blue Bouquet (Crossroads Collection)

by Amanda Tru

  More polite applause. Joseph took a noisy gulp of water.

  Maybe platitudes and verses worked for someone like this preacher. Maybe he was so happy in his new life it didn’t matter to him that all his previous questions remained unanswered.

  Joseph would never be content with that. He glanced at his watch. Just a few more minutes, and then he was gone.

  Mena snuggled up against Jin-Sun’s chest. “Didn’t he do a great job?”

  Jolene forced a smile. “That was very encouraging.” As tired as she was, both physically and mentally, she truly meant what she said. If sermons back home were anything like this, it wouldn’t be so difficult for her to make time for church.

  Mena had her arms wrapped around his waist. “Jolene and I didn’t get lunch yet. Have you had anything?”

  Jin-Sun laughed. “I was too nervous.”

  Mena giggled. “No one would have known.” It was true.

  Jolene couldn’t remember hearing a more polished, inspirational speaker. She felt like she should say more. “I really appreciated what you said. Especially that part about the locusts.”

  For as many times as she’d set out to read the Bible cover to cover, she hadn’t made it to the book of Joel before. Had never read that verse. She couldn’t remember hearing any sermons preached on it either. Too bad she’d forgotten to bring her Bible along on this trip.

  “What do you think?” Mena asked. “Should we all get something to eat?”

  Jolene stared at the couple with a melancholy ache in her soul. How long had it been since she and Joseph had been close like that? So much of her mental energy when she thought about him was spent dwelling on what a terrible father he was or how wretchedly he’d hurt her with that affair. But there had been good times too. Most of them early on, but that didn’t take away from the fact that they’d started off with so much love between them.

  At one point, Jolene’s biggest concern was whether her daughter would or wouldn’t catch a cold if she played outside too long in the rain. Even though she knew she could never go back to those times, part of her wished that she could forget all the pain, all the heartache of the past. Go back to their vacation on the Oregon Coast, snuggle up with her husband and preschooler, and watch Disney movies.

  All day.

  She was such a different person now. Would she even know herself if she could go back to that little cabin? She’d gained so much since then—confidence, poise, assurance. A sense of identity that didn’t revolve around her family or her role as a mother and wife.

  But she’d lost so much more.

  “Well, should we grab some bingsu?” Jin-Sun asked. “There’s a spot just around the corner.”

  “I love that place,” Mena exclaimed with a girlish giggle that sent unexpected pangs shooting through Jolene’s heart.

  “I think I’ll go back to the B&B,” she said. “Take a little nap. I’m pretty tired.”

  Mena frowned sympathetically. “That’s right. I forgot you’re still jetlagged. I’ll take you back to your room.” She turned to her fiancé. “I don’t want her getting lost on the way.”

  It was cute the way Mena was trying to help. As if she were the parental figure and not the other way around.

  “I’ll be fine. I remember how to get back to the subway station.”

  Jin-Sun and Mena both looked dubious.

  Jolene held up her phone. “I’ll just download that app to get me to where I need to go. No problem.” She adjusted the strap of her purse in a way that made it clear she was taking off and didn’t need a follower.

  Didn’t need a babysitter.

  “Your rehearsal dinner’s tonight at six, right?” she asked.

  Mena nodded, clearly unconvinced.

  “Ok, I’ll call or text before then and you can tell me where to meet you. All right?” Before they could try to change her mind, Jolene turned to Mena’s fiancé once more. “Thanks again for sharing your testimony with us. I can tell you and Mena are perfect together, and I’m glad you found each other.”

  With that, she turned and walked out of the auditorium, wondering how in the world she’d find her way back to her room in a city of over nine million, praying to God she wouldn’t get lost.

  Locusts. Locusts. Locusts.

  Joseph flipped through the concordance in the back of his Bible. Locusts. There it was.

  He turned to the book of Joel.

  I will restore the years the locusts have eaten …

  What did it mean?

  He was supposed to be packing. Earlier in the day, he’d called Misty and told her he wouldn’t need to attend that retirement party for the Seoul head of sales after all, and she booked him a red-eye flight home. He was due at the airport in six hours. But something the speaker had said grabbed hold of his psyche and wouldn’t let go.

  I will restore the years the locusts have eaten.

  God didn’t apologize for sending the devastating swarm to begin with. Didn’t try to explain himself in a way that could make his actions appear justified or fair.

  But he promised restoration …

  How? Chelsea’s accident had already happened. What was there left to restore? Unless God planned to raise a girl who’d been dead for five years from the grave, his daughter was gone. Joseph had already grown to accept it as much as a father can ever come to terms with a tragedy like that.

  So what right did God have getting his hopes all worked up with impossible promises?

  Restoration was a nice concept that might make certain believers feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

  But it was too late for Joseph. Too late for anything now.

  He shut his Bible and tossed it into his suitcase. It was time to get out of Seoul.

  The subway app that Mena had been so enthusiastic about would work great if Jolene could figure out which level she was supposed to get to. Here in Seoul, each subway station seemed to have a dozen different entrances, five different stories, and about a thousand different trains, none of them apparently being the one Jolene needed.

  She took the first train and got off at what she thought was the right station, but the automated announcer said the names so fast she couldn’t be entirely sure. She finally admitted defeat about half an hour after arriving at a second station she seriously doubted was anywhere close to where she needed to be. Unfortunately, the two different strangers she’d asked for help couldn’t speak English. One at least tried to use gestures when Jolene pointed on her phone to explain where she needed to go, and even though she’d taken off confidently in the direction he pointed, she was still just as lost as before.

  At least the subway stations were interesting. Interesting and relatively clean. It was more like an underground mall than a mass transit hub. If she’d had an appetite, she could grab herself some lunch, but all she wanted to do was get home.

  Get home and figure out why Mena’s fiancé had impacted her so deeply with his words. He and Jolene weren’t alike. He was half her age, born under a totalitarian dictatorship on the other end of the world. He’d never been married, never lost a daughter, never experienced the humiliation of a divorce. But somehow she felt a connection to him.

  He knew something she didn’t. Or possessed something she didn’t. Maybe that was a better way of putting it.

  He had something she wanted.

  Of course, she could spiritualize it all. Tell herself that if she hadn’t pulled away from church recently, she’d be in a better state to handle the stress of being in Seoul, completely jetlagged and lost, having to confront unwanted memories of her daughter’s death and her ex-husband’s alcoholism, affair, and abandonment.

  But deep in her heart, she knew there was more to it than that. Even when she was at the peak of her spiritual journey, during those spells when she was studying her Bible every day and praying regularly and investing in her church relationships, there was still something missing.

  Something she wanted.

  Desperately wanted.

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sp; She should have gone out to lunch with Mena and Jin-Sun after all. It was stupid to try to brave these subways alone.

  But there was no choice now. Even if she wanted to get in touch with Mena, the public wifi around here didn’t have enough broadband to send a text or make a call.

  She was on her own.

  She sank onto a bench. Tried to give her confidence a boost, give her psyche a little pep talk. But inside, she knew she was just as broken and scared and alone as ever.

  And to top it off, she was completely lost.

  “You going to Namsan Tower?”

  Joseph usually felt lucky when he found a cab driver who spoke some English, but right now he wasn’t in the mood for any conversation.

  “Namsan Tower?” the cabbie repeated. “Yes?”

  “Yeah. That’s right.”

  “You going up?”

  “Mmm.” Could the man take a hint? Thankfully, after a few minutes, he stopped asking questions and focused on the road ahead of him.

  This was stupid. There was nothing good that could come from this ridiculous pilgrimage. That’s why he’d never made his way out here the dozens of times he’d been in Seoul.

  What would be the point?

  Chelsea was gone. Traveling to the spot where she died wasn’t going to bring her back.

  It wouldn’t even bring closure. How could it? Seoul Tower was just a place. Places didn’t have any mystical or magical meaning unless you were some superstitious-minded simpleton who bought into that kind of bunk.

  Joseph wasn’t a simpleton, and he wasn’t superstitious.

  So why had he hailed a cab to take him to Seoul Tower?

  He should go back. He leaned forward, about to tap the driver’s shoulder to get his attention but then stopped.

  After all, this was only a place. Hadn’t he just convinced himself that there was nothing mystical here? Visiting the spot of the accident wouldn’t leave him any better off.

  Which meant it couldn’t leave him any worse off either.

  With all his railings against superstitions, he’d been foolish to avoid this place so zealously. Hadn’t he found his way to nearly every other major tourist attraction in Seoul? The Gyeongbokgung Palace, the war memorial … At some point or another, he’d seen them all. Not because there was anything impressive about the sites themselves, but because that’s what tourists did when they traveled here.

  Seoul Tower was the primary tourist trap in all of South Korea. What reason did he have to avoid it any longer?

  “You say something?” asked the driver.

  Joseph shook his head. “No.”

  “We’re almost there.”

  Joseph took a deep breath. Repeated his newfound mantra that this location was no different than any other spot in Seoul.

  A tourist trap.

  Nothing else.

  He crossed his arms. And waited.

  The tower loomed into view.

  “Thank you so much for letting me share the cab with you. I have some won in my purse. You sure you don’t want me to pitch in for the ride?”

  The bald Australian drama teacher and his sun-tanned wife both smiled at her. “It’s nothing,” he replied. “We were glad for the company.”

  Jolene tried to return his smile. She’d gotten herself so lost in the subway system that the moment she found English speaking tourists she’d latched onto them. And when she found out they were on their way to the Seoul Tower, she’d made some ridiculous comment about how she’d never seen it before but heard it was lovely.

  One Uber call later, and here they all were.

  It beat staying lost in the bowels of Seoul.

  Just barely.

  “We’re taking the lift up the rest of the way,” the woman said. “Want to come with?”

  Jolene couldn’t even bring herself to look at the cable car above their heads. “No, I think I’ll walk.”

  The teacher frowned. “The guidebook said it’s really steep.”

  Jolene smiled. “I could use the exercise.”

  The Aussie couple waved and walked off.

  What had she gotten herself into? At least now that she knew how to call an Uber car, she could find her way back to the B&B. Maybe she should turn around and head home now. The only problem with that was she’d most likely end up with the same driver who’d just dropped her off. Better to spend a few minutes at least pretending to look around. According to the Aussies’ guidebook, it was a half hour walk to the base of the tower.

  An endless path stretching far up the mountainside.

  No wonder Chelsea had taken the sky lift.

  Jolene stared at the trail before her. Did she have the energy for this? Did she even have a choice? The only other option was the cable car, which wasn’t an option at all.

  One foot in front of the other

  One step at a time.

  If she wanted to wax poetic, she could come up with a dozen metaphors, a dozen pithy sayings about how life and recovery and healing were all like this mountain trail.

  But she wasn’t in the mood for platitudes.

  Maybe God wanted her to come here. Maybe it was part of his plan. She certainly had done a decent job ignoring him lately. Was this his way of getting her attention?

  Well, God, I’m listening.

  The only problem was heaven was silent.

  And her thighs were burning.

  And the trail continued to stretch higher and higher.

  Even though most of the tourists took the cable car up to the base of the tower, Joseph found the hike was a good way to clear his mind. Focus his attention on a whole lot of nothing.

  Tomorrow would be an easy day at the Seattle office since he’d been scheduled to still be in Seoul. If he wanted to, he could even stay at home.

  Not that there was anything or anyone waiting for him there.

  It was silly to be thinking any extra about Chelsea just because he was near the spot where she died. It was the same reason he didn’t visit his parents’ graves or even his daughter’s. Places were just places.

  He’d heard some people talk about feeling close to their beloved departed, but it was all bunk. Psychological coping mechanisms at best. Grief-induced delusions or occult-related hallucinations at worst. Wherever Chelsea was right now, she wasn’t some ghost stuck around Seoul. Joseph was no expert on Scripture, but he knew that much at least.

  So why was it so hard for him to get her out of his head? Why did he still hear the fear in her voice when she’d called him before the cable snapped?

  And why did the city of Seoul still run those stupid cable cars anyway? Did any of those tourists up there know, did they have any suspicion that five years ago, a major accident had claimed the lives of three visitors and injured scores more? That among the deceased was a girl so full of life and zest that she’d traveled to five different foreign countries as an undergrad and had plans to visit two more before she started grad school?

  Did they suspect, did they have any hint that the girl who died here was a daughter so blinded by love she refused to acknowledge her father’s shortcomings? Refused to hold a grudge for all the times he failed her?

  It shouldn’t have been Chelsea. She was full of energy, plans, excitement. She wanted so much out of life. Wanted to fix the American foster system, solve world hunger, singlehandedly put an end to the clean-water shortage across the globe, and expose every single corrupt politician in DC. She would have done all those things—and even more—if God had given her a chance to live.

  A chance to rise to even a fraction of her full potential.

  It wasn’t fair.

  It shouldn’t have been her.

  Why did the young ones, the bright ones, the ones with the most promising futures and most glorious smiles and most irritating stubborn streaks get taken while men like him were left behind? Men who managed to ruin their families, estrange themselves from everyone important to them, destroy their health and their self-esteem, and sabotage every single relatio
nship that mattered? What kind of God would take a girl like Chelsea and leave a man like Joseph?

  It would never make sense.

  His heart was pounding in his chest, but he wasn’t about to slow down. Wasn’t about to admit defeat. He glared up at the tower still so far ahead in the distance, dared the path to get the best of him.

  If he could survive losing his daughter, losing his wife, if he could stumble his way through the past three and a half years stone-cold sober, he could reach the top of this mountain.

  There was simply no other option.

  She shouldn’t have come. Less than halfway up the trail, Jolene had to stop. It was too much. She was too close. She could feel Chelsea in every breath she took, every rustling of the leaves, every chattering tourist who shared the forest trail with her.

  She’d spent the past five years missing her daughter, begging God to bring her back, trying to catch hold of a memory that would make it seem like Chelsea was still with her.

  She’d gotten her wish, and she realized it was the last thing she needed. What was she thinking? Every breeze held the sound of Chelsea’s voice. Every movement in the trees was like the rustling of her long brown hair.

  Too much.

  She could hardly breathe.

  How was she supposed to go on like this? How did God expect her to survive this burden? It was enough for him to ask her to live in a world without Chelsea in it. Now he’d thrown her onto an impossibly steep mountain trail where every rock underfoot reminded her of her daughter’s first steps on those chubby, wobbling legs. Every branch that scratched against her was like the tugging of that little preschooler’s hands on her shirt. Mommy, I’m thirsty. Mommy, I want a snack. Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be boo-tiful like you.

  She couldn’t go on. Wouldn’t go on. If she called the Uber now …

  But of course, she’d need wifi for that. Wifi that wasn’t available out here on this stupid trail.