“We’ll spend our honeymoon there. I promise we’ll take plenty of time to ourselves to come to know one another. I also upgraded the cabin on the ship to accommodate both of us.”
She nodded, her smile tight, and her cheeks slowly filled with color.
“I’d hoped to wait until the ship to…to…consummate.” Drat, he was a man of two and thirty, and he couldn’t talk about making love to his own wife?
No—he couldn’t, because this was Cassie, and he’d spent so many years convincing himself she would never be his. Why the devil was this so embarrassing.
“I won’t take you to bed this night. We’ll leave tomorrow,” he blurted.
Chapter 11
Cassie blinked at him, utterly stunned and—with a sharp jab of pain to her chest—she realized, bitterly disappointed.
Why was this all so difficult and awkward? Before it had been so easy, following him with her gaze, imagining being with him. Now, even on their wedding day, she felt like she couldn’t string the words together to express her feelings. She’d come to the pond to do just that, to devise a way to tell him her exact wants and needs going forward.
Delaying their wedding night wasn’t one of them. Their wedding night was the catalyst for everyday going forward.
“Why?”
He set the oars down. “I’m uncomfortable with this, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but it will remain so if we continue to ignore what is between us. Thus, the whole reason for the mistletoe kiss. I’ve long felt something between you and me. But there was a wall and I had to break through it somehow. I don’t think abstaining is the answer.”
“Just until we’re out of the house. That is all I’m asking. I’m not saying I don’t want you. I’m saying I don’t want to deflower you under the same roof as your parents and brother. As you said, I hold them in great esteem, and I just want to focus on you. For once.”
Cassie sat straighter and gave her attention to the scenery while she considered his words. So, he wasn’t comfortable in the house. Fine. She was disappointed, but she could understand his reasoning. “Very well.”
“You don’t sound pleased.”
“I—I see what you mean, but I just wish…”
“What?” he bid, leaning closer.
Yes, closeness is what she needed, reassurance.
“Kiss me.”
He swallowed and licked his lips. “Kiss you?”
“We’ve pacified society, but I’m not satisfied. I want a real marriage, and to have that, I need to know what you feel for me. Kiss me. Show me how you feel if saying it is too difficult. You do feel something, don’t you?
“Yes,” he said. His voice had gone deeper.
His eyes sharpened on her with intensity, and she shivered, her clothes at once too tight. Excitement shimmered over her nerve endings. The way he looked at her made her want to remove every stitch of clothing. And this time, he knew exactly who she was. No masks, no interruptions, no denying who they were or what they wanted.
He took his hands off the oars and scooted closer, his hands coming to her hips to nudge her to the edge of her seat. She melted at his touch, her body coming alive with sensation.
She couldn’t bear it anymore; she closed her eyes, and the brush of his lips across hers sent a wave of longing through her body, so strong that she couldn’t breathe. She cupped his face, lost in a sea of desire tossing her in massive waves of sensations she couldn’t grasp. What was happening to her? It was only a kiss, their second kiss. But it would never be enough. She’d spent so long dreaming of him, she would never be satisfied. She was starving for him, mad with passion.
The boat rocked as she came off her bench, and his arms came around her.
But it wasn’t enough.
Their tongues met, and every stroke fueled the hungry fire inside her. Cassie felt like her seams would pop, and between her thighs, her nerve endings begged to be fondled and tortured. Her body remembered, her heart, her mind, but her wits had scattered. Nothing grounded her on this rocking sea, or perhaps that was only the boat rocking. They slid to the space in between the two benches and leaned against the course wood. Cassie pushed him back, straddling his lap, but then he broke the kiss, panting as if he’d ran a great distance. Her heart hammered.
“Wait. We have to stop.”
“Wha—what? Why stop?”
He half smiled. “We’re in a small boat on a pond in view of anyone who could come by. I won’t lose control again. You deserve far better from your husband.”
“But…” Lud, she straddled him like a wanton. She could feel his strength, his manliness between the cradle of her thighs. “But I want this.”
He ran a hand over his face. “Christ, Cassie you tempt me like nothing else in this world, but I can’t take you on a row boat. You’re my wife.”
“You won’t take me in a bed either, not if it’s under a shared roof with my family.”
Cassie pushed herself up and returned to her bench. Bitter disappointment on her tongue and an aftertaste of rejection. She couldn’t help it. She was cut to the quick, impatient to make this real. As she’d stood by the lake before his arrival, she couldn’t block the feeling that this marriage felt like a dream, vague and surreal, too fragile to grasp as if spun from a delicate spider’s web.
Did they truly belong together now? It felt more like she’d stolen something, and she didn’t truly deserve it. But if they could just get past it, and become married in truth, maybe then she’d feel different, like she finally belonged with him.
Only when she woke up in his arms, would it be real.
“Cassie, I mean no insult. I want you. I’ve wanted you for so long, but I never thought…”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t placate me with pretty words. I need action, I can only believe in the things that I can touch. But I can’t touch you, can I?”
“You can. But we have to wait. I promise it will be worth waiting for.”
Cassie wished that promise would pacify her, but she was on fire, burning for him, far worse than when she’d never had him at all. She’d tasted pleasure, she’d tasted him, but a mere taste would never be enough of Sidney.
Cassie wanted it all.
Sidney waited in the carriage as Cassie said goodbye to her family. It was only a short drive to the harbor, and the ship that would carry them to Star Frost, but every second stretched to a minute, and every minute felt like an hour. He’d gone early today to make preparations for their departure, but his own patience had worn thin, and he could hardly keep still. Would she like his surprise? Would it be enough to quell her fears?
Her remarks yesterday had struck a chord, and he hoped that his new plan would be all she needed to be convinced of his regard. He’d spent most of the night thinking what he could say to appease her, but doubt plagued him.
He didn’t want to just offer pretty words or stumble through trying to describe his own feelings, most of which were too powerful for him to put into mere words. Nothing he did felt good enough.
It was strange to be so out of control. The more he tried, the harder his thoughts became too grasp. But giving up was not an option, just because circumstances had made her his, in name, didn’t make her his, in truth.
Was that what she really meant? She wanted to believe that he…would love her?
He jerked in surprise as the carriage door shut, and she sat across from him. Tears pooled in her eyes. She would miss her family, and Sidney was struck by the terrible thought that he might not be enough to fill that void.
But he’d be damned if he would let her feel alone. She’d never be alone again.
He reached across the carriage and took her hand in his.
“I promise we will return. It will only be a month.”
“I’ve never been separated for them for so long.”
“Adventures always seem daunting at first.”
She wiped her tears with a delicate handkerchief. “Is this an
adventure?”
“We are going to an island rumored to be the home of mythical creatures. Fairies, witches, enchanted forests.”
She sniffed. “You don’t believe that, do you?”
“We might just have to see for ourselves. The duke’s daughters are very convinced the forest near their house contains a monstrous beast.
She smiled, and the ache in his heart eased. Why did that one small watery smile feel like such a triumph?
He’d wanted her for so long, secretly lusted after her, thinking the worst of himself for it. But could it be that he’d fallen for this vibrant woman? If he loved her, surely that meant he wasn’t the baseless reprobate who’d merely lost his head and control at the slightest provocation. Loving her meant that no amount of time apart, or miles away, would have rid him of this need for her. But he’d never been in love. Whatever this was, these mountainous feelings he couldn’t decipher, he’d never had them before.
The weight of it was nearly suffocating.
“What are his daughters’ names? They are twins, you said?”
“Yes, Clara and Josephine.”
“How lucky their parents didn’t give them matching names. I always thought it unfortunate for children not to be given their own room to grow as individuals.”
“I agree, and he and his late wife never dressed them the same. Clara is quite adventuresome. She’s the one… Well, she tried to save her mother.”
“She has the scars.”
Sidney nodded. He recalled Calvin’s distraught state as he’d waited at Clara’s bedside through her recovery, ignoring his own. He swallowed. “Josephine is scholarly. Don’t dare utter the words blue stocking in front of her, or ape leader.” He chuckled. “Calvin has had difficulty keeping a governess between the two of them. Clara is always leaving her bed in the middle of the night, and Josephine will read until the late hours of the morning.”
At last she grinned. “They sound marvelous.”
“The last letter I received stated they’d found a new governess who’s proven quite indestructible so far.”
“That is good.”
“What was your governess like?”
“Retired and white-haired after enduring me for seventeen years.”
“Mrs. Chatsworth? I do remember now. She looked a bit mad by the end there.”
“My fault, she assured me, but she has a little cottage by the river now, and she tutors some school children.”
“Your father compensated her well.”
“Yes, but she did inherit a small bequeath from her family. She’s comfortable, and I bring her some of her favorite treats from the cook.”
“You have fond memories it seems. I can hear it in your voice.”
“I do. We may have bickered, but she was always kind. She thought to tame me, but only a little bit. She once said a woman needs a bit of wildness, or she’ll be smothered by life.”
“Very wise.”
“So, if you’ve any complaints about my temperament, blame her. My father always did.”
“And what did your mother think?”
“That I ought to be a bit less wild, but still strong.”
“You are both, as I see it.”
“You say that with a complimentary tone, but now that you married me, you might change your mind years from now.”
He swallowed his laugh. Years from now, could he be so lucky? What would the years bring them? Joy? Children?
His gut tightened. He was an only child, and with the exception of family visits with cousins, his existence had been rather lonely. He wondered how many children she’d want.
“How many children do you imagine having?” he asked.
She had turned her attention to the window, but now her focus snapped back to him. “I don’t know. I never pictured an exact number.”
“But more than one?”
She tilted her head as she considered him. “If that would please you. You were an only child, and I can see it bothered you.”
“I’m not asking for a brood of children, but yes, I would like more than one child. Being lonely is a terrible thing.”
“Then I shall do my best to provide more than one.”
He nodded; the formality of the conversation grated on him. He glanced out the window, and in the distance, the towering sails and masts of ships could be seen. His stomach knotted.
He’d never been this nervous at the prospect of seducing a woman, not that he’d ever had to go to this extent. Women came easy, expressing these violent emotions inside him did not. He didn’t know how to control them or temper them, and he hated being out of control.
The stakes were high. Convincing Cassie of his very real, long-stifled feelings were one thing, but the added pressure was making this moment, her first experience of intimacy, as pleasurable as possible. Tonight would be the foundation of the rest of their marriage. So far, things had been tense, and her family had always been nearby, monitoring each step. His hands had been tied, but now, he needed to take the reins.
In all the greatest moments of his life, his parents’ death, university, Tristan being stabbed, and now this, he’d had to take control; he’d had to set aside his inner turmoil and lead. But Cassie was not a woman to be led. She must be worshipped. He recalled the way she looked that night at the Mistletoe Masquerade.
Like a pagan goddess. Tonight, he’d make his offering, and it would either be enough…or sadly lacking. All this time, he’d worried he could never prove himself worthy to Tristan or Lord and Lady Summers, but it was Cassie who had held all the power over him.
The carriage came to a stop, and they disembarked. The first mate met them at the gang plank, and they were shown to their cabin.
“All the preparations have been made to your request, my lord.”
“Thank you, Mr. Davis, we wish not to be disturbed for the remainder of the evening.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Why don’t we wait on deck while our luggage is loaded and enjoy the last few minutes of the sunset?” he suggested.
“Very well,” Cassie said, busy looking around the sights of the ship.
“Have you been on a ship before?”
“Not on the ocean, only smaller leisure crafts on the river. It’s very busy.”
“The crew is preparing to set sail at first light with the tide. Are you cold?” He noticed she hugged herself in her wool cloak.
He removed his great coat and draped it around her shoulders. “In a moment, we can take dinner in our cabin. I planned a special feast to be delivered.”
“What? No hardtack?”
He chuckled. “I’m afraid not. But I’ll see what can be arranged during our voyage.”
They made their way to their cabin, and with every step, Sidney’s breathing grew harder with anxiety. Would she like it? Would she think him silly for planning such an elaborate evening? Was it too much? Not enough? She’d never been a woman to be wooed by frills and tomfoolery. Not his practical Cassie.
He opened the door and waved her through, holding his breath. She paused one step in and gasped.
“What the devil?” she said. “Did you plan this?” She entered farther and spun slowly in the room.
Candles inside jars littered the room to create a warm glow. Garlands of mistletoe framed their large bow window, overlooking the open ocean turned deep purple with ripples of pink as the sun sank below the horizon. Thick fur blankets covered the bed, too sumptuous to resist. She ran her hand over the downy fur and moaned softly.
His body awoke with startling speed.
On their table was a spread of roast beef, boiled vegetables in sauce, and an assortment of treats. His Cassie had a sweet tooth.
His Cassie.
His heart throbbed as he watched her circle the room, taking in the little details he’d made to bring back the night of their scandal. The Mistletoe Masquerade.
The night of her ruin, or perhaps it was his. From that night on, he’d been destroyed with guilt, then
revived by the truth that no matter what happened, she would be his. No one could stop it.
The woman he thought he would never have, was now his wife, and tonight would seal their twined fate forever.
His steps felt heavy as he closed the door and removed his jacket.
Her eyes glittered with emotion as she spotted the two masks on the table.
“Why?”
“I wanted another chance. No interruption this time.”
“No…interruption?”
“We can take our time.”
Cassie licked her lips, and Sidney slowly strode forward.
“Our time?”
“We have all night. You’re mine.”
Her breathing grew shallow. “And you’re mine. You did this? For me?”
He nodded, standing before her. He set his hands on her shoulders. “I can’t count the dreams I’ve had of you, but that night didn’t sit well with me, and I wanted to recreate the magic I felt. Whether it was the mistletoe, or just you, I was enchanted.”
“You didn’t know it was me.”
“I didn’t want to let myself believe it was you. I’ve wanted you for so long, Cassie. But I could never let myself get close enough.”
“Why?”
“Tristan, the trust your family had in me. They became a surrogate family to me, even you. I didn’t want to jeopardize that, but you were ever so hard to resist. I knew I had to get away, to give myself some space to cool my head.”
“You’ve been distant with me.”
“Self-preservation. Your family holds you on a pedestal. I watched three men scamper away like whipped dogs after proposing to you. I didn’t think I had a chance.”
“You? All you had to do was ask me. Damn what my brother wants.”
He snorted, his arms slipping down her back. “Your brother is a crack shot.”
“I…I had no idea that you felt like this.”
Sidney didn’t know why the words came so easily now. Perhaps it was the gentle glow of the room, the ambiance, or maybe just the sparkle in her eyes.
Whatever it was. This was the moment. His chest swelled.
“Cassie, I know I haven’t been clear about my feelings for you. I got so used to hiding them that it became instinct. But I don’t want to hide it from you. I never knew a man could feel like this. At times, it is overwhelming, and I can’t control it, which I am loath to admit because I like to be in control. What dissuaded me was not knowing how you felt.”
Have Yourself a Merry Little Scandal: a Christmas collection of Historical Romance (Have Yourself a Merry Little... Book 1) Page 103