Prairie Fire

by Djuna Shellam

  “Hell, nobody knows how to be a parent, especially me!” Dot exclaimed. “But I did it; well, Ivey and I raised Wave together for eight years, and then I took over all by my lonesome when she…” Dot stopped momentarily to gather herself. After so many years she still got emotional whenever she spoke of Ivey’s death. “And I think I did a damned good job at it, too! But here’s the thing you wanna think about, Em, darlin’—you won’t be by yourself. If I’d had to raise Wave all by myself from the gitgo, I don’t know what in blue blazes would have happened to that poor child. My parents were gone by then, I don’t have any siblings—and I certainly didn’t have anyone who worked for me. I didn’t know nuthin’ about kids. I was never around any, I never spent any time with nieces or nephews because I didn’t have any. Everything I knew came from Ivey who didn’t really have anyone, either.”

  “But Ivey had already raised Wave by herself for four years so she knew how to do it,” Em protested.

  “Not when she first had him,” Dot countered. “She was mostly all alone. Ivey had no family, siblings, nieces or nephews… No one but a few friends. You’ve got friends, Em. You’ve got Evie here. And I have to tell you, Izzy, Estevan and Xavien did a damned nice job of raising you, gal, and they’ll be there for you, too.” Dot gave Em a toothy grin. She looked from Eve to Em and back to Eve again. “Isn’t there some kind of middle ground here for y’all?” Dot asked with seriousness.

  “Dottie,” Eve began, “we’ve been ‘round and ‘round on this one and always end up at the same place. If there was more time, I’d say, okay, let’s think about it for a few years, but I’m already over forty. There’s not a lot of thinking time left for me, so…” Eve smiled lovingly at Em. “We’re stuck between that blasted rock and a hard place.”

  “Eve’s afraid of what happens if she… if we decide not to have a child, and then when it’s too late…” Em paused because she knew exactly how Eve felt, she could sense the deep, aching, vibration coming off her every day. Em knew, deep down inside, her own fears weren’t about her lack of child raising skills or knowledge, but what a child might do to their relationship. Or how their relationship might affect the child. Em could not let go of the fears that gripped her, making her unsure of any decision on the matter.

  “My parents loved each other more than life itself,” Em admitted, “and in some ways, it kept them from loving me fully—the way I ached to be loved. I often felt as if I was an intrusion into their little world of two. I don’t want to do that to a child. Then again, I’ve also known couples who were mad about each other, who had kids, and the relationship failed because the kids took too much of their love and attention. There wasn’t enough left over for each other. Honestly,” Em looked at Eve and admitted. “I’m afraid of both things.”

  Dot sighed with understanding. “Well, that’s a true dilemma y’all got. I don’t know what to tell you. Waverly, with the exception of Ivey, you understand, is the best thing to ever happen to me in my whole life. My whole life. To think of not having that wonderful young man in my life, to not have had the honor of raising that little boy into the man he is today… Well, I just can’t. He has been a blessing to me every single second he’s been in my life. I used to tease Ivey and tell her he’s the only reason I ever hitched my wagon up with hers.” The three women laughed.

  “Of course, that wasn’t true, a’tall, but my point is… Emmy, darlin’, don’t worry so much. You know nuthin’ in life goes as planned, and… don’t be afraid of what you don’t know. Got me? ‘Course, you’re right, ya’ll aren’t spring chickens. Pregnancy isn’t easy, and brings a whole passel of other problems for women in their forties.” She paused as they all contemplated that reality.

  “Hey, what about adoption?” Dot queried. “An older child? I mean, Wave was four when I entered the picture for good…” Dot looked to Eve and saw the look of longing in her eyes. “Life is compromise, right? I’m just sayin’, don’t get stuck thinking one way or t’other. It’ll bog you down and, well…” The last thing Dot wanted to see was her girls torn apart by inflexibility and fear.

  Em nodded solemnly as Eve lightly touched Em’s arm in solidarity.

  “Anyway,” Dot slapped the palm of her hands on the table. “Whatever y’all decide to do, you know I’m with you. I love you both, so if you need anything from me—advice, silence, babysittin’…” she emphasized, then laughed heartily seeing Em and Eve’s faces at the mention of babysitting.

  “The most important thing in the world to me regarding this baby talk is that…” Dot paused for a moment. “You two finding each other after all those years—what y’all went through to be together… why, that’s what’s important. Don’t let anything or anyone get between that blessing. It’s a miracle is what it is.” Dot was about to tear up, suddenly overwhelmed with her love for Em and Eve. She quickly changed the subject, “Now, y’all want some sweet tea back at home?” she asked. “I’ve got a terrible sweet tooth that’s hankerin’ for some good old fashioned Southern sweet tea right now. Any takers? Hmmm…?”

  4.2—Decision

  A warm breeze wafted into the guest room, pulling with it the sounds of nightbirds, cicadas, and crickets. The full moon had just risen high into the night sky, illuminating the grounds and part of Em and Eve’s room, allowing them to easily see each other as they lay on the queen-sized bed.

  They had barely spoken throughout the ride home from dinner, nor once they had retreated to their room for the evening, though the mood between them was not one of acrimony. Eve was lying on her back, her hands folded on her abdomen, staring at the ceiling where shadows from the trees outside their window danced. Em was on her side watching Eve. She pulled her knees up closer to her body.

  “You’re not sleeping, are you?” Em asked in a voice just above a whisper. She reached out to place her hand on Eve’s upper arm. There it was, that thrill she always felt when she touched Eve.

  “No,” Eve answered. She reached her left hand over and laid it over Em’s. She, too, loved the sensation of Em’s skin against hers. “Mmmm…”

  Em generally wasn’t one to bring up unpleasant issues, but she felt it was her place to do so in this instance, because the unresolved issue was one of her making, not Eve’s. What Dot said earlier had impacted her greatly, but she was afraid to verbalize the sentiments she was feeling in case they were fleeting. She didn’t want to give Eve false hope if it was only temporary. After much mental deliberation, Em steeled herself and ventured into the uncomfortable territory.

  “Dottie made some good points tonight I hadn’t thought of,” Em began.

  Eve turned her face toward Em. “Yeah… She really did. I’m so glad we decided to come out this week.” Eve contemplated for a moment. “Damn, I just love that woman, don’t you?”

  “You know I do. She is the kindest, funniest, most genuine and loyal friend. I thank the stars every single day of my life for her,” Em proclaimed.

  “I do, too. She really saved you. I want to believe she did it just for me, so I could have you all to myself—which of course… would make me her favorite,” Eve chided playfully as she rolled over on her side to face Em.

  “Ha! You wish. I’m her favorite, and you know it.” Em snickered. “You’re just jealous.”

  They snuggled close, giggling and embracing in the warm night. Eve kissed Em’s lips tenderly, savoring their sweetness. “Mmmm… I love you, Emmy.”

  “I love you, Evie. I don’t know how I lived without you.” Em sighed wistfully, gazing into Eve’s eyes. “I don’t want to lose this. I waited my whole life for this, Eve… for you.” Em pulled Eve closer to her, gripping her tightly.

  “I know, I know,” Eve whispered. “I know… I think… you might think I want a baby because you’re not enough, but that’s not it.” Eve lightly stroked Em’s face. “I think it’s that thing that couples experience, and I can’t explain it. There’s… a certain… je nais se quoi about it. I mean, look at Wave and Dot and how much they loved each o
ther, and you remember how it was when Ivey was still here. Dot and Ivey… they loved each other so much. I think they loved each other like we do. And, they had Wave.”

  “I know, Evie. I know… I’m just afraid. Everytime I think things are great in my life, something comes along and destroys what’s… great. I can’t bear that to happen again. If I agree to have a baby, it could destroy us. If I don’t, it could destroy us.” Em felt panic rising at the thought of losing Eve.

  Eve held Em close to her. “Nothing is going to hurt us, honey. I know you’re afraid—you have an unpleasant history, but this time? No matter what we decide to do, we’ll be all right. We’re together. We have each other.”

  “But…”

  “No buts,” Eve interrupted. “I made you a promise. Remember? I will love you until the end of time, Em. Truly. This is a difficult thing, I know. And when I made my promise to you, I didn’t know these… this desire was anywhere inside me. It doesn’t matter. We are not going to have a baby until we’re both on board one hundred percent. If we don’t get there, we don’t get there.”

  “What did you think about what Dottie said… Y’know, about…” Em hesitated briefly.

  “Adopting an older child?” Eve asked softly, finishing Em’s thought.

  “Yes.”

  Eve had thought of that option many, many times since her maternal instinct had kicked in, but worried whether the physical need to have her own child would be satisfied, or would it be heightened? The truth was, she didn’t know.

  “I don’t know, Emmy. Adoption has its pros and cons as well. You don’t know the child’s family history… I’ve known of some horror stories. I know adoption is generally a great and noble thing to do, but…”

  “True,” Em interrupted. “But it’s impossible to know everything even with a biological child, isn’t it? Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t adopted…”

  Eve gasped. “Em! You’re going to give me nightmares!”

  “Sorry…”

  The ebb and flow of crickets and cicadas chirping, intermingled with sporadic mockingbird mating calls, dominated the stillness in the room. Em contemplated the situation, wanting desperately to make Eve happy, but she was deeply afraid. It was a lifetime decision, and she felt as if she’d just begun her lifetime with Eve. She wasn’t ready to share the amazing closeness she and Eve had with anyone, particularly with a child that would demand their attention for the better part of the next eighteen years.

  There was a part of her, deep down inside, that knew the yearning Eve was having. At certain, random times, her own yearnings would bubble up near the surface only to be immediately pushed back down out of fear or recognition—and Em did not want to ever recognize or even acknowledge them. But she knew, from her own history of avoidance, it wasn’t healthy to avoid or dismiss the truth, and doing so would eventually turn on her. It always did.

  “Evie,” Em kissed Eve on the mouth, softly, gently.

  “Mmmm… what, my love?”

  “I…” Em was about to say something she knew she could not ever take back.

  “You’re shivering!” Eve pulled back from Em to look into her eyes. “What’s the matter, honey?”

  “I want to make you happy, Eve. I know if you’re happy, I’m happy…”

  “I am happy.” Eve smiled lovingly at Em’s face that was so beautifully illuminated by the moon’s light coming through the windows. “You’re here with me, we have each other. I’m yours… you’re mine. I’m happy, baby.”

  That wonderfully familiar warmth began its travels as Em struggled with the conversation at hand. The intense desire for her lover welled up, threatening to derail her thought process.

  “Evie,” Em began, “let’s see what it will take to have a baby. I mean, we need a donor, and…” she paused. “We should make sure you’re okay.”

  “We don’t need to decide this right now, honey. Let’s wait ’til we get home—”

  “No, you know, I’m okay with it.” As soon as she said it, Em knew it was true.

  “Em… Are you sure? Honey, it’s…”

  “I love you, Evie. More than I have words to express. I want what you want. Whatever that is.”

  “But you weren’t sure just two hours ago. What changed your mind?”

  What, indeed? “I honestly don’t know for sure. I guess…” Em pondered. “I guess Dot and Waverly, you… me. I’ve been so afraid of making mistakes, I think that fear and succumbing to it is a bigger mistake than not. I trust you, Evie. Completely. That’s the bottom line.”

  Eve was touched to her essence at Em’s trust in her, and how open she was with her emotions. Her love for Em was overwhelming her, almost bringing her to tears. She knew that no matter what they agreed to as a couple she would accept it. Em was everything to her, and if having a baby was a problem for Em, they wouldn’t have a baby. And she would accept it, because Em was her life—her world.

  “I love you so much, Emmy. No matter what happens, thank you for…”

  “Shhhhh…” Em began kissing Eve’s face with little kisses. “I want to make love with you now, and it’s impossible with you jabbering.” Em smiled in the moonlight as she kissed her way down Eve’s neck and to her shoulders. Eve sensed by the way Em was moving she was still in pain from their hike up on the mountain.

  “I’ll say no more. Except to say…” Eve said seductively as she suddenly rolled up and over Em, overtaking her and straddling her body. “I’m in charge now.” Eve grinned broadly, as she leaned down to kiss Em passionately on the mouth. As Eve lowered herself on to Em, and placed her own ample breasts onto her lover’s, the passion that constantly smoldered between them ignited, producing a familiar fire.

  The sounds of the desert night continued, unabated by the mostly silent, yet passionate lovemaking of two lovers. Every kiss, every caress, every moment of their passion was enveloped in the deep, abiding connection between them. The combination of amazement and gratitude they had found each other after so many years only served to heighten their love for one another. Every moment together was savored and revered, bringing their satisfaction to places they both knew quite well.

  ~/~/~/~/~

  As the sun rose, splashing the guest room with sunlight, night sounds gave way to morning birds busily chirping in the nearby desert trees. The lovers awoke entangled, body and heart, and deeper in love.

  “Hey, lover,” Em said to Eve who had just opened her eyes.

  “Hey,” Eve smiled sleepily.

  “I want you,” Em whispered as she leaned in to kiss Eve’s face.

  “Mmmm… Have me, I’m yours,” Eve replied, smiling, rolling her body onto Em. “Come here.”

  4.3—Big News

  Holding hands, Em and Eve entered the covered veranda where Dot was lounging with Sweet Pea on her lap and a glass of iced coffee in hand. A fine mist encased the outdoor living area, lowering the temperature inside its borders by at least ten degrees. They made a beeline for Dot, each leaning over a shoulder and kissing her on a cheek.

  “My, my!” Dot started slightly at the unexpected greeting. “Good morning, beauties! How’d y’all sleep?”

  The two women glanced at each other, smiled innocently and answered, almost in unison, “Great.”

  “I hope you gals don’t mind the misters—I thought I’d get ‘em started right away ‘cause it’s gonna be a scorcher today.” Dot carefully observed Eve and Em sit down, noticing that although Em moved slower than normal, there was something lighthearted and almost perky about her. “They keep things a bit cooler,” Dot added, somewhat distracted by her observations.

  She grinned mischievously as she continued to watch. There was an unmistakable glow they shared that Dot recognized all too well. She knew with certainty they were intimately active—it wasn’t hard to miss—but there was something extra special going on.

  “Ah, is it me, or am I notin’ a little extry spring in y’all’s step this mornin’? Don’t they seem a little extry springy to you, Sweet Pea?” />
  “No,” Em stammered, immediately embarrassed.

  “Hmmm…?” Dot winked at Eve knowingly.

  “Stop it,” Eve laughed. “You know it’s not polite to kiss and tell.”

  “Umhmmm…” Dot teased, “it ain’t kissin’ that done all that.”

  Eve and Em laughed. They loved it when Dot went all Southern on them. Normally, Dot’s accent was barely perceptible, but when she was riled up or playing around, it got extra thick and stereotypical. They looked at each other with understanding in their eyes of what went on between them the night before and that morning. “Now, look what you’ve done,” Eve teased back. “You’ve made Emmy blush.”

  “I am not…” Em began to protest until the unmistakable blush crept up her neck, setting Dot and Eve into a fit of laughter. After a feeble attempt to protest, Em reluctantly joined in.

  “Oh, lordy, I do love having you gals around,” Dot exclaimed. “I forget how damned fun y’all are. I miss you when you’re not here, but I never realize just how much ’til you are here.”

  “Aw… Dottie, we love you, too,” Eve said with deep sincerity. “We were just saying last night…”

  Em interrupted Eve, “Yes! As a matter-of-fact, we were just saying last night, Dot, that it is obvious I am your favorite.”

  “Oh no you don’t, missy!” Eve sat up in her chair, playfully defiant. “I’m Dot’s favorite. Tell her, Dottie. Go on…”

  “Whoa, now… don’t be pullin’ me into your little lovers’ spat,” Dot demanded as she snickered. “I’m completely neutral here. You hear me? I am Switzerland!” she proclaimed with dramatic flair. “Anyway, if I had to pick a favorite, why, you know I’d have to pick my boy, of course.”

  “What?” Em and Eve exclaimed in unison.

  “I was first,” Em proclaimed.