by J L Aarne
Ezekiel glanced up at him then looked down at the candy in his hand. “Nah, I could still eat. It’s not that filling.”
“What do you want then?” Jacob asked. He got a bottle of water out of the fridge, opened it and took a drink.
Without much hope, Ezekiel said, “Pizza would be good.”
Jacob surprised him and reached over on the countertop for the cordless phone. “I’ll order it then,” he said.
Jacob did a lot of the cooking at home and he enjoyed doing it, but there were some things he did not bother to make himself. Pizza was one of those. He ordered a large pepperoni pizza and Ezekiel didn’t even have to tell him extra cheese.
He started to become vaguely suspicious. “What’s happening, Jake?”
Jacob stood leaning against the counter looking down at his bottle of water and didn’t say anything for a little while. Ezekiel waited him out and eventually he sighed and asked, “What’s going on? With you, I mean.”
Ezekiel closed his laptop and put the candy bar aside. “What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“I mean… you’re out real late all the time lately. Sometimes you don’t come home until early in the morning. You haven’t passed out in a while, which is good, but you’re… I never see you anymore.”
“I’m working. I’ve always worked long hours, Jake.”
Jacob’s eyebrows drew together in a worried frown. He wasn’t looking Ezekiel in the eye. He couldn’t tell if he was lying to him and he didn’t want to think so, but he didn’t put it past him either. Ezekiel did lie. He even lied sometimes to Jacob. He had lied to him on Halloween about going for a walk and Jacob had let it slide then, but that was just one little strange thing in a lot of strange things Ezekiel had been doing recently that were all starting to pile up.
He didn’t seem to be lying now though. “I don’t mean working long hours,” he said. “Even working a lot, you still come home. I still see you. I almost never see you anymore. What are you doing?”
Ezekiel hesitated then gave him a partial truth. “It’s the Lamplighter case and before that, the Ripper thing and that girl, Alicia McKenzie’s parents. There’s been a lot of pressure on all of us lately and it’s all been a little too high profile. I’m sorry I’m not home more, but it’s all a pretty big damn mess right now.”
“You have worked cases like that before,” Jacob said. “We both have. A lot of them. It’s not that.”
Ezekiel watched him for a little while and he didn’t like what he saw. Jacob wasn’t a hesitant person, he was blunt and forward to the point of being crass. His body language now was subdued and uncertain. Ezekiel began to suspect what he was thinking and waited for the accusation, but it didn’t come.
“What are you actually trying to say, Jake?”
“You’ve been here all day,” Jacob said. He finally did pick his head up and look at him then. His eyes were a little wide, a little afraid. Not of Ezekiel, but of whatever he wouldn’t say. “But you haven’t really been here at all.”
“Neither have you,” Ezekiel pointed out.
“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” Jacob said sharply. “I left because you’re in your head somewhere else, you’re not with me at all. You might just as well have gone in to work today instead of staying here, that’s how present you are.”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” Ezekiel said. His own tone became sharp.
“It’s like living with a ghost sometimes,” Jacob said, raising his voice. “And it’s been happening for years. You’ve changed. You’re not the same as you were. Not when… You’re just not. You’re different. I don’t know when it happened, but more and more there’s less and less of you.”
“That is such bullshit,” Ezekiel said. He was angry now, it was official. He had a pretty bad temper anyway, but he did not often lose it with Jacob. He could feel his hold on it fraying though. “I’m exactly the same.”
“No, you’re not,” Jacob said. “You never would have left me alone like this before. I’m alone, Zeke, all the time. Even when you’re there. The only time you pay attention to me is when I’m out of my goddamn head crazy and I hate it that it’s got this bad. So bad I actually have to tell you this so you notice. Like some fucking bitch whose boyfriend ignores her or some tubby housewife whose husband’s fucking his twenty-something secretary or some other pathetic as shit analogy, take your pick. I hate it, but there it is.”
Jacob did not say it, he was skirting around it, maybe afraid to say it, but there it was anyway. It had snuck in there. The real fear that was lying unspoken on the back of his tongue. Ezekiel heard the accusation in his voice anyway: Cheater.
“I am exactly the same as I’ve always been,” Ezekiel growled. “You want me to spend time with you and pay attention to you, then don’t disappear and stay gone all fucking day shopping or paying the bills that can wait until I’m not here. You left, physically left. How the hell do you expect me to do anything else? There is nothing wrong with me, I’m not different. If one of us has changed recently, it’s sure as shit not me. What do you want from me?”
“I’ve told you,” Jacob said. He sounded and looked tired, resigned. Like Ezekiel had disappointed him and that was exactly what he’d expected.
It pissed Ezekiel off.
“I want to do things with you. Maybe we should go somewhere. Take a vacation,” Jacob said. “No computer, no phone, just go somewhere nice and leave it for a while.”
“I can’t do that,” Ezekiel said.
“Then let’s go out somewhere,” Jacob said with a sigh. “I don’t care. Or watch a movie. I’d even watch Casablanca or Breakfast at Tiffany’s with you for the two hundredth damn time. I’d hate every minute of it, but I’d do it. Except would you even be there with me? Or would you be fidgeting, wanting to be somewhere else?”
“Yeah, that’s really what I want to do,” Ezekiel said sarcastically. “Stop what I’m doing right now and go watch a movie with you so you can bitch the entire time. Or sleep. Talk about someone who’s not really there.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” Jacob said.
“What do you want to do then?” Ezekiel demanded. He was deflecting the conversation off of himself and turning it around on Jacob. He knew it and he told himself not to, but he didn’t stop. “Where do you want to go?”
“I see what you’re doing, Zeke,” Jacob said.
Of course he did. He was a profiler, too, and a psychologist. Even as Ezekiel was reading him, Jacob was doing the same.
“Well, I see what you’re doing,” Ezekiel said. His tone became snide and mean. “Come on, tell me, Jake. What do you want to do?”
“I want to be with you. I miss you, you fucker,” Jacob said, becoming truly angry as well.
“You want to be with me?” Ezekiel said.
It was petty and it was mocking and mean, but it had been a topic of contention between them before. Jacob had, over the years, wished that they did not have to hide the nature of their relationship. Ezekiel wanted to end this and deliberately poked at that sore spot because he knew how much it would hurt him. He stood up and walked over to him, stood a little too close, forcing Jacob to tilt his head back to look him in the eye or give ground. He tipped his head back, not giving an inch.
“What, you want to go out and hold hands? You want to go out dancing?” Ezekiel sneered. “Maybe we can kiss in the park and, you know, really get my ass fired. Jesus Christ, Jacob. You can’t be with me, we’ve been over this.” He smirked. “Go change your tampon and fucking get over it.”
Jacob’s eyes flashed electric blue with sudden rage. He drew his lips back, baring his sharp cat teeth in a snarl. Then he hit Ezekiel in the face. He didn’t pull the punch, it landed on left side of his face and Ezekiel staggered back from him, pain exploding in his jaw.
Instinctively, he growled, but he didn’t hit him back. He’d earned that and he knew it.
“Fuck you, you epic fucking cock,” Jaco
b spat at him. He threw his bottle of water at him.
Ezekiel caught it, smiled and made a show of unscrewing the top and taking a drink.
Jacob was already turning and stalking out of the kitchen. He disappeared into the living room and a minute later the stereo came on and the music of The Rolling Stones filled the house.
Ezekiel sat back down at the table, but he was too worked up to concentrate and didn’t bother turning the laptop back on. He told himself he wasn’t sorry, that he hadn’t done anything wrong, that Jacob was talking shit and that there was no basis to anything he’d said. He was doing his job and yes, in the last few years he had less free time than either of them were used to, but while he was not young, he looked young for the position he had taken when they moved to L.A. On paper, he was young. Too young, in the opinion of some people, to be leading the team in California. Maybe he wasn’t spending as much time with Jacob as Jacob was used to because he worked hard to make sure his ability to do that was never in question. He had taken the job and moved for Jacob, after all. Everything he did, when it came right down to it, was for Jacob.
People who live in denial are at higher risk of heart disease, the documentary narrator told him.
“Shut the fuck up. No they are not,” Ezekiel muttered.
He would have had more free time lately to be with Jacob if he didn’t spend so much of it watching Rainer Bryssengur. It wasn’t cheating, but it wasn’t fair either.
And he wasn’t going to stop.
“Shit,” Ezekiel said under his breath.
Their doorbell rang. He sat there a beat, but then he remembered the pizza Jacob had ordered and got up to pay for it. He put it on the counter.
Then he paced a little. He was mad, but now at himself, not Jacob. He hated it when Jacob was upset or hurt, but that was the hell of it; no one could hurt him like Ezekiel could hurt him and it was too damn easy.
He finally quit pacing and went into the living room to find Jacob standing by the far window, his back to him. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and was staring out at their neighbor’s yard where a little girl was playing with a black Labrador. The Rolling Stones had given way to Kenny Wayne Shepherd.
“Jake,” Ezekiel said.
Jacob’s shoulders tensed.
“Jacob.”
Jacob turned his head to look at him, said nothing and walked over to an easy chair to sit down. His expression was impassive.
Ezekiel sighed and walked over to him. Jacob watched him and everything about him said he was not ready to speak to him, let alone forgive him.
But Ezekiel needed him to. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“I am not sorry, you monumental prick,” Jacob snapped.
Ezekiel’s lips twitched. Jacob’s eyes narrowed at the sight, daring him to be amused, to say something and mock him.
“Basically, I’m a penis,” Ezekiel said. “Well, you’re a twat.”
“Wow, this is you apologizing,” Jacob marveled. “Try again, asshole.”
Ezekiel rubbed his jaw. It hurt like hell. It felt black and blue. “You hit really hard for a girl,” he said.
Jacob scowled, but gradually his expression softened. “Don’t start that shit with me again,” he said.
Ezekiel stepped closer to him, stood over him looking down. Jacob looked back and they didn’t say anything for a minute. Then Ezekiel went down on his knees by the chair. Jacob still didn’t say anything and he didn’t move, just watched Ezekiel expectantly.
Ezekiel rested his head in his lap. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t mean it.”
Slowly, Jacob lifted a hand from his lap and laid it on Ezekiel’s head. He sighed and his fingers slid through Ezekiel’s thick black hair, petting him, letting him know he was forgiven.
“You are such a motherfucker sometimes,” Jacob said.
“I know. I’m sorry,” Ezekiel said.
They stayed like that, Jacob petting him, Ezekiel lying there without speaking. After a short time, he started to purr.
“You did it on purpose. I know. I just don’t understand why,” Jacob said.
“I don’t know either,” Ezekiel said. He turned his head to look up at him and licked his fingers as he was taking his hand back. His tongue rasped on Jacob’s skin and Jacob smiled. “Next time we can be together if you want to,” he said.
“You mean instead,” Jacob said. “Boyfriends and lovers, not brothers.”
“Yeah,” Ezekiel said.
They could never publicly be both, but over the years they had always been brothers because it worked. When they changed identities, renewed them and started over, they were brothers because, historically speaking, being gay was not something you wanted to be if you could help it. Especially not if you were in the military or law enforcement as Ezekiel had been all his life. It was only recently that things had started to change enough that it probably would not be an undue hardship for them to be together that way.
But that would have to wait. It might have to wait years. The lives they had invented for themselves would not expire yet for a while. Still, Jacob recognized the offer as the olive branch it was.
“Okay, Zeke. Next time,” he said.
“Okay,” Ezekiel said.
He leaned up to kiss him, thinking to kiss his cheek because Jacob had forgiven him, but Jacob didn’t get over things that quickly as a rule. Jacob turned his head and caught his mouth instead. He kissed him and it was a little more forceful than the quick, fleeting one Ezekiel had intended. It was a kiss that was trying to prove something and make a point. It was possessive.
Ezekiel stood when it ended and said, “We’re going to have to reheat the pizza.”
“Sure,” Jacob said.
He might be indifferent about the pizza, but Ezekiel was hungry, so he left him there and went back into the kitchen to put it on a tray and pop it into the oven. “Do you still want to watch a movie?” he called into the living room.
“If you want to,” Jacob said. The music on the stereo cut off a moment later.
When the pizza was hot again, Ezekiel took it out, put a few slices on a plate and returned to the living room. Jacob moved to sit with him on the sofa and picked up a slice while Ezekiel put a DVD in.
Instead of one of Ezekiel’s old movies, it was Dumb & Dumber, a movie that always made Jacob laugh. Ezekiel wasn’t a big fan of the film or its sequels, but he liked that Jacob liked it. He liked watching and listening to him laugh. Jacob smiled at Ezekiel and leaned against his side as the movie started.
Ezekiel took a slice of pizza from the plate between them on the table and started to eat. It was a bit of a delicate process; painful because of his bruised jaw. Jacob did hit hard. He was preternaturally strong and he’d been mad as hell, so it was a wonder he hadn’t broken anything. It took Ezekiel longer than usual to eat and he had to be careful chewing every bite. It would be gone by the next morning, but it was going to hurt him all damn night while it healed.
Jacob sat there snickering beside him through a scene where one of the main characters had laxative induced diarrhea and Ezekiel smiled. Then he felt one of his top left teeth with his tongue. It hurt, but it wasn’t broken or cracked, he decided.
“I bet he doesn’t get constipated when he travels,” Jacob remarked, pointing at the TV with a nibbled pizza crust.
“Maybe we can find you some Turbolax, Jakey,” Ezekiel said.
“Maybe. I’m thinking I might have to try prune juice,” Jacob said.
Ezekiel laughed. Then he winced as pain spiked through his face.
“And you—With all the cheese you eat, I can’t believe you’re not bound up like crazy.”
“Stop it, Jake,” Ezekiel said, laughing. “You’re making my face hurt.”
Jacob threw his crust down on the plate. They had cleaned it together, so he paused the movie and took it with him into the kitchen. While he was in there, he threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave and dug through the freezer for something to put on Ezek
iel’s face.
Ezekiel was oddly touched when he returned and dropped a bag of frozen peas into his lap. “Thanks,” he said.
Jacob opened the bag of popcorn and started the movie again. “There are always enemas,” he said.
Ezekiel choked on a burst of surprised laughter. “Yeah, I guess so.”
Jacob grinned and crunched a piece of popcorn between his teeth.
Chapter 29
Jacob went to bed about midnight. Ezekiel promised he would try to nap, but he ended up not doing that at all. He finished up some of the work he’d been doing before they started fighting then he finished the last handful of chapters in the Dexter book that had so enraged Rainer.
Then he tried to sleep, but he couldn’t quite manage to go under. His brain wouldn’t shut up and his head wouldn’t let him. It had always been one of his biggest problems when it came to sleeping; there were just so many more important things he could be doing. Even when he didn’t actually have much of anything that he desperately needed to do, he couldn’t shut it off.
He couldn’t remember the last time he had honestly slept. Just sleep, deep and restful and relaxed sleep. Not the kind that happened when his body couldn’t stay awake anymore without shutting down. Not unconsciousness; sleep.
He thought it had probably been before Jacob had been taken. They had been boys then and he believed he had slept normally as a kid. Jacob and Ezekiel, together, content and safe. They hadn’t known about monsters then. It was easier to sleep where there were no monsters.
Upstairs, Jacob’s cell phone started ringing. His ringtone was “Johnny B. Goode” by Chuck Berry. The sound of it was loud in the silent night.
Ezekiel got up and went upstairs to see what was going on. It was after three in the morning. Three in the morning phone calls never meant good news.
The ringtone cut off as Ezekiel reached the bedroom. He looked around the doorframe before walking into the room. Jacob sat on the foot of their bed in the dark with the phone to his ear. He blinked against the light when Ezekiel turned the lamp beside the bed on.